Merry Christmas!!!

OK....so first off....MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! Christmas is truly my most favorite time of year. I love it! However, I will say that this year it has seemed as though Christmas has come and gone and it doesn't seem like I really knew it was here. But it is...and I do really enjoy the Holiday Season. This year however, there has been a damper on the typical Holiday feelings....We are going to a funeral tomorrow for Mike's aunt. She passed away on Monday-and the funeral is tomorrow. With his dad passing away 6 years ago at the same age....it's been a rough week for him. But-he's done his best to put on a happy face for me-although I know he's very very sad on the inside. He was very excited to give me my present this morning.....and after I opened it-I was very glad to have received it. My beautiful diamond necklace-totally made me cry like a baby. It is SO BEAUTIFUL! So while I remember that this holiday season is not about the presents-but more about the love.....I remember over and over again-how much I truly love my husband. He is the most amazing man I know.

Greetings from the Arctic....and other ramblings...

At least thats where it feels like I am...BRRRRR!!!! We got the worst storm in 10 years over the weekend. Complete with 9 inches of snow-40 mile an hour winds and temperatures creeping to -50 with the windchill...BRR!!!! IT IS FREEZING!!! But with that I will say this....

This weekend gave me a perfect opportunity to do some cleaning, baking, wrapping of Christmas presents and spending some time with my husband. It was a good weekend-minus the weather-but everyone loves a good snow storm once in awhile. :)

There really aren't to many exciting things going on in the life of Erin right now. And for a change-I'm TOTALLY OK WITH THAT. I think thats what this "Break" is really about for Mike and I. MANY MANY MANY people have asked us why we don't just "jump right in" to adoption. Yea-if it were really that easy! I'll just start right up....no worries right.??? There isn't any emotional baggage that comes along with it. There isn't the fear of the failed matches that we will more than likely experience, there isn't the fear of how we are going to pay for all of this, I don't have the thoughts of...what if we're lucky and blessed and placed right away-and don't hae anything ready for the baby...and then with the same breath I say to myself what if we are waiting for a year or longer for our little one. YES-with all of those things running through my head-I will just jump right into adoption.

Here is the thing...adoption isn't an easy journey. Now to many people-they would think well duh. Of course its not easy. But to others..they will give you this dumbfounded look like-what? You mean it's not like filling out a few pieces of paper like when you adopt a puppy from the humane society? Seriously! I wish I could scream at the top of my lungs that adoption is a LONG HARD JOURNEY. One that will not come easy to us. But we are willing to walk into this journey hand in hand and God by our sides and no that our baby will be waiting for us at the end of it. So many people say-you can't have a kid-so what..just adopt. Well if it were that easy-why don't you "just adopt." Cause really...everyone would do it if it were that easy. Truth be told adoption is just as much of a rollercoaster as IF is. There will be the ups the down, the "endless 2WW" and the joyous day of find out you have been matched. But until then...please don't tell me to "just adopt."

So yes-this break period before has been really good for us. It's the calm before the storm so to speak. Beacause we know once this all starts....its going to be one heck of a ride! One that will be long, sometimes painful, sometimes frustrating, angering, saddening, and scary. But we know this-and we know that in God's time our little baby will be handed to us in a little pink or blue blanket...and we will love that baby because that baby is ours.

On Days Like Today...

When everyone around me seems to be on a mission of annoying me....there is only one thing that will make me feel better....

Baby Shopping.... :)

Must go....TONIGHT! :)

There is one coworker-seems to be a Pompass A**. I don't get frustrated really easily with coworkers-cause really I do love my job. I'm very lucky to be able to say that-but this guy speaks and I would rather listen to nails on a chalk board. Then my to-do list keeps getting longer....and really I"m just a bit overwhelmed...not to mention when you have pneumonia and you are antibiotics and predisone....I'm just asking for it. Predisone is a killer! It's awful!!! I HATE IT!!!!

Ok...rant over...off to look at baby stuff online....then maybe I'll go buy a little something tonight when I go Christmas shopping.

Thinking about it already makes me feel better....Ahhhh.....

Strength from Above

Days like today-are days that I relish. It's days like today where I look at my future and am so excited about all the things are going to happen. It's days like today where I look at myself and say how blessed I am, and how lucky I am to be where I am in life. It's days like today when I get up in the morning and look at my husband and fall in love with him all over again...and know that I love him more than I did the night before.

How do I get days like today when its seems as though my life has been filled with sadness, anger, frustration, hurt, and cold, harsh comments-things that can totally break a girl down? There is one way and one way only-and that is by knowing that the strength to have these days and to realize that I'm having one of these days is coming from Above. I know in my heart of hearts and I can feel it in my soul that God has given me the strength to get out of bed every morning for the last 4 and half months and say that there are BIG things in my future...and there is a baby out there for me-somewhere.

I feel as though today-is a new day..and the start to a whole new part of my life. I look at our infertility and know that it is something that we HAD to go through. Why...I think it was
for 4 main reasons.

1. To realize that power and will of God, is stronger than anything I could ever have imagined.
2. To realize that God knows what is best for us
3. To know just how much I love my husband and how I truly know now that our marriage can get through ANYTHING
4. That my faith is stronger than I ever imagined it to be.

Of course I could add to that list...but when I think about the things that I have realized since July 20th 2008 when we first got our diagnosis, those 4 things stand out in my mind. I know we will have days that are hard, and that hearing the pregnancy announcements, and seeing all of the babies around us-will be hard at times, and I know that God is allowing me to have those days for a reason. I truly believe that when I hold our baby for the first time-the joy I will have...will make all of that pain seem so minimal. And I will look back on this journey and say-it was worth it-every step, every penny, every tear, every prayer...made it all so worth it.

And I know that there is only one way that I could truly feel this way today...and this is by the strength that I'm receiving from Above. God has truly blessed me in my life...and I know the blessings will continue to fall from Above..becasue there truly is no other place they could come from.

What NOT TO SAY....

To a woman who just found out that she will never be able to have a baby....

"Well pregnancy has a lot of con's....so really-you're not missing out on anything."

Um...coming from someone who has had a baby....I really don't think you can honestly say that I'm not missing out on anything. Seriously! Who says that kind of thing.

Luckily-it was said on a good day....and I just kind of blew it off-but WHO SAYS THAT?!!?!!

A Good Day! :)

Surprisingly-even after the news we got on Tuesday...we really have had a good few days. Yesterday we went to Mike's aunt and uncles for Thankgiving. It was a good time....we came back and played a few games...and just enjoyed sometime with each other. We talked a lot...and really listened to what each other was saying. (Not that we don't any other time....but last night we both knew that there was a lot to talk about, and a lot of emotions going through our hearts...so we both really listened.)

Today we spent together....taking the dogs to the park for a few hours, doing a bit of shopping, running some errands....and doing what every other couple does in a situation like ours.....Went shopping for baby stuff! :) Seriously! It was soooo fun! We went to a few places...looked at cribs, strollers, car seats, diapers, formula...it was fun-and it made things seem real...like wow-we are actually adopting...and we are actually going to have a BABY!! I didn't know how I would feel once we got there-but we really did have a good time. Mike even picked out a toy-that he felt was a MUST have for the baby....a pair of plastic keys. :) Then I picked out something....a cover for a car seat....for the spring and summer months-to prevent bugs from biting or stinging the baby. (I know...nothing very fun...but hey-it was clearanced...and I'm practical. :)) Then we walked around for a bit longer....and just looked at all of the fun stuff that we get to buy. A bit overwhelming....but fun. :)

So yes...it was a good few days. We had a lot of fun...a lot of good quality time we were able to spend together-which was really nice. It seems like it had been forever since we were able to do that. Some people would say that what we did today-wasn't the smartest thing for us to do....but for us it felt right. We've known for a long time that we more than likely were never going to have a biological child of our own...but of course we were still hanging on to that hope...that maybe-maybe there would be a miracle. But obviously God has different plans for us. So we are accepting that...and just trying to move on...we know that days might not always be this good...but today was a good day-and I'm going to enjoy today and worry about tomorrow when it gets here.

The Results We've Been Waiting For....

Just NOT THE ONES WE WANTED....



The urologist called today. MUCH earlier then we were expecting. But the results were not what we were hoping for. Mike has Azoospermia. It is definite. He is completely sterile.



I guess I don't really know what to feel. I'm worried about Mike. He's obviously devestated....we both are. But I think in a way-God has been preparing me for this. Giving me the strength to know the path that we need to go down. But it seems so surreal to me to know that I will never be pregnant...and carry a child and give birth. How does one wrap there mind around that? I can't! But I think in a way thats a good thing. Because in a way-I don't know what I'm missing-because I've never been pregnant. But of course I've always longed to be-what woman doesn't? (well none that I know.) So I guess in the grand scheme of things...I'm doing OK....Not great....but OK.



We'll get through this.....we know we will. But it's still hard...it will be for a long time. But now the path we must go down is clear. We'll just take it a step at a time....and we'll get to our baby.

Food for Thought.....

I'm so in love with my husband. While I would NEVER wish our situation on ANYONE-even my worst enemy, I know that I would never be able to go through something like this without him.

He feels terrible though that I more than likely will never be able to experience pregnancy "because of him." While I have NEVER thought it was his fault-or placed blame on him-he still feels responsible. Much in the same way I did when I got the dx of endo, and was told it would be difficult to conceive. Now multiply that times a million-when you are told that you more than likely CAN'T conceive...and thats how he feels. I feel the same pain he does-but I know he in a sense feels worse-becasue he feels responsible. Last night when we were lying in bed he rolls next to me and says he sorry that we didn't get better answers after his surgery. Of course I told him there was nothing to be sorry for-and that these were the cards we were dealt. But again-he feels responsible.

While I don't claim to be prophetic at all...these are the words that came out of my mouth....and I think he maybe was able to look at things from a different angle.

"Millions of people get to experience pregnancy...every day. Women get the amazing feeling of having a child inside of them and growing. Men get to watch there wives glow with excitement with every move the baby makes. But there are very few people that get to experience the miracle and joys of adoption. We have been chosen to receive this beautiful miracle. We have been chosen because we are special."

Again, I am not a prophetic person.....but for anyone who is struggling with IF.....and the ups and downs of adoption....I look back on those words-and think....yes....we are very special indeed.

Surgery Day...

I sent this to my friend Rachel...and it summarized it all pretty well...so I'm just C&P here....
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WOW! What a LONG day!! Mike's surgery was supposed to start at 8:30....but got pushed back to 9:30 for some reason-I'm guessing they got behind with one surgery-and a domino effect. He told us that it would take anywhere from an hour and half to 3 hours...at 3 1/2 hours-I was getting REALLY nervous. He finally came out to talk to me!

This is what we know. His tubes are clear. Which is a GOOD thing. That means that if he is producing sperm-there isn't a blockage and that will prevent them from getting through. HOWEVER, that does mean-that if he is producing them, there is a blockage in the testicle itself....which is just as serious of a problem as if there was a blockage in the tubes. However, that isn't a for sure thing. The only way they will know that is when all of the pathology reports come back-which could take anywhere from a week to 2 weeks. The main report he ran-was just to test the biopsy that he took to see if there were any sperm present. If not, then we know that is just the way he was born...and we move on. However, if there are-then we go back to the dilemma-on whether or not the blockage in the testicle itself is fixable. The dr. said it's a tough call-and just as invasive of a surgery as the orginal BIG one of the tubes that we had originally thought we would need. But before he talks about all of that he wants to get all of the test results back.

So once again we are left wondering and questions unanswered...but at least in the next few weeks we should have some kind of an idea as to what is going on.

Ugh...what is THE WORST thing that can happen when traveling....

FOOD POISONING! Wait...how about altitude sickness and FOOD POISONING! Ugh....Shoot me now!
I had to cancel one of my meetings this morning-which I felt terrible about doing...but there was just no way.

I'm feeling slightly better-keeping water in me YAY so I'm hoping with a nap and some gatorade I feel better in time for my 4:30 meeting.

I HOPE!!!

Work...Surgeries....and oh yea...Work

Work has kept me SOOO busy lately! I'm in Denver now-until Thursday.....luckily-the weather has been GORGEOUS-at almost 80 degrees and Sunny. I was told not to get used to it or expect it next year when I come back-because this is very out of the norm. So far-Denver is good...I've never been here before-I'm hoping on Thursday I'll be able to go do some sightseeing. I haven't done much of that yet-so I'm excited to finish all of my work stuff tomorrow night-and spend all day Thursday-just seeing what this city is all about.

Friday early morning....is Mike's surgery. Ugh....it seems like it's taken FOREVER to get to this point. But Friday we will have answers. Our insurance company never agreed to pay for the full surgery. So we are just doing the first part of it. The biopsy and the "vasogram." Basically that means-checking the tubes to see where the blockage is-and if it is worth fixing. (basically is the risk of doing the surgery-greater than the benefit-since we know that even if it is fixed, our chances are around 25% or less of ever conceiving.) So-at least on Friday we will know. And we will know if we will want to go ahead with the BIG surgery in a few years-after we could save up.

I feel so out of the loop these days-like my life is just SO BUSY that I don't even have time to breathe. But I do have to say-that I really enjoy my job....it's just that sometimes....I'm soooo busy and that can take a toll on me. But like I said-I really love my job....so it is worth it. And these busy times are only a few times a year...so it's really not so bad. :)

Why is it?...?...?

That when you don't feel good-and you know you look like crap because you feel like crap that people insist on telling you look like crap. I love my husband-but sometimes...he just doesn't know what to say...so he says whatever he's thinking.

I'm home sick from work-migraine, fever, stuffy nose, cough, the whole shebang...and what does Mike say to me this morning...oh..you look terrible!

Gee thanks honey! I love him so very much-but sometimes....I wonder about him! :)

Today....should be a HAPPY day...

Afterall-it is my birthday...but I find myself so sad today.

I miss my family so much! We spend all last weekend with them-and it was amazing. My parents came up last night to drop off there dog.....so we could dog sit/nurse her back to health. (She got hurt last weekend when we were there....and they decided to have her have surgery here vs. there regular vet-cause the surgery was $2000 cheaper...go figure!!).

But saying goodbye to them was really hard this morning. I didn't cry in front of them....but once I came inside and they drove away I cried. Now tonight-Mike went to the store and bought all the supplies to make a beautiful supper for me...to try and make things better. And I know he'll do a great job....I just miss my family so much....

We're back...rested....relaxed....oh wait...nevermind

Ok...well first of all I should say this-I feel so out of touch with blogland lately :) I mean-my life has been insane the past few weeks with work, traveling, my computer crashing 4 times and getting over 15 viruses and countless spyware files...my phone dying...I feel so out of touch with the world. But regardless....I'm back now-and hoping to be blooging more lately :)

Well we had a great weekend with my family. It was so nice to see them. We had a very nice talk with my aunt and uncle who adopted there youngest from South Korea about 20 years ago. It was SO NICE to talk to people who have been through it. Who know how it feels and who can relate to the ups and downs of adoption. I was a bit nervous as this was the first time I had seen my family since we found out about our IF issues. But, it was a really good weekend. Everyone was more supportive of our decisions than I was originally expecting. And now I feel bad about thinking they would think otherwise. I Love my family!! It was so hard to leave on Sunday. My neices made me cry. When we told them we had to leave, my oldest one looked at us and said she didn't want us to leave cause she didn't get to spend enough time with us. It broke my heart. (The night before she told us she wanted a cousin. I told her maybe next year...and she said-that was ok-she could make it work. :) She's only 4!!!)

Then the ball dropped when we got back....at least thats kind of how it felt. Turns out the insurance company was much quicker than we were expecting in processing our appeal. We had a letter waiting for us. Turns out they will cover Mike's surgery...but only up to $20,000. To bad it's going to cost between $30,000 and $40,000!!! I called them on Monday because I had a few questions about the letter and she said that $20,000 will go towards the lifetime maximum IF credit. So if there are any other appts in the future that are related to IF they won't be covered. Then she proceeds to tell me that if there are any complications, and if he ends up back in the hospital for an infection, or anything related to the surgery it wont' be covered because the surgery is elective. So at $2500 a day (minimum) for a hospital stay...we said we just couldn't do it. We can't afford that type of procedure when it might not work-and we are risking a lot of money on something that isn't gauranteed. However, we are going to go along with a biopsy. The biopsy will tell us 2 things. 1-that either he was born with or without sperm, and 2 if there are sperm present in the biopsy, then we know that there was definitely a mistake made during the surgery when he was 2. A biopsy is much less invasive and usually can be done under a local anesthetic vs. general.

So that's where we are at....it's all so weird to me. I asked Mike the other night-what ever happened to just having sex to get pregnant? He asked if that actually works? :)

We are really excited to be moving on to adoption. I mean-that is one thing that we feel we have some control over in our lives right now. In a lot of ways we have no control over it-but in some we do-and in the end-we know that we will have a baby-one way or another we will have a baby. And that is exciting.

I know God has given me the strength the last few months. I know I couldn't get through this without him. And for that-I'm eternally greatful for my faith. It is such a blessing to know that he has a hand in this. It might not be our plans, but they are his...and I know his plans are better than anything I could ever imagine. He has the perfect baby in store for us. It's just a matter of when we get to meet him or her.

Leaving Town...

For a long weekend. We are really excited...but I'm nervous to. We haven't seen any of our families (they live about 350 miles away) since our dx with IF. That may seem crazy since we are so close with our families...esp me with mine...but it just hasn't fit into our schedules...and when my mom asked if we wanted her to come up once we found out-I told her no...there wasn't much she could do...and we knew it was important for Mike and I to have time together.

We don't want our IF to be the center of conversation-but we know they will only ask questions because they care. We are trying to not think about it much over the weekend....but we know it will obviously come up a lot. But regardless-I'm excited to get home and see my parents, siblings and nieces. Sometimes-your mom and dad know just what to say-and sometimes just getting a hug from them makes things a bit better. And I know seeing my nieces will be therapeutic in a way. Something about how sincere little kids can be-just melts my heart. We will get good quality bonding time with them tomorrow. We are really excited about it.

So we're off for a long road trip with 2 dogs in the back seat...and a great weekend with the family. YAY FOR VACATIONS. (Even if they are small ones.) :)

What a Week...and Weekend...

Well last week wasn't a good week....thats an understatment I guess. I think for us-this had to be the toughest week since we found out about our IF.

We found out that Mike's insurance won't pay for his surgery. Why? Well-there is a clause in the insurance that says they won't cover any type of sterilzation reversals. Even though the original sterilization wasn't an elected procedure-they still won't cover it. So-yes we are appealing it-but the appeal could take up to 2 weeks....so we basically sit, wait, and hope. The woman at the insurance company didn't sound hopeful...only because she says that they can be strict when it comes to infertility coverage...but there is always a chance...so we are hoping that we here good news.

On a much BRIGHTER AND HAPPIER note...WE FOUND OUR AGENCY!!! :) We are really excited about it. We met with them on Saturday afternoon...and they are such nice people. The social worker of the agency met with us-and since her husband was in town with her, she asked if it was ok for him to come along to the meeting. I said of course! So the 2 of them met with us, and for me-it felt like we were talking to 2 friends of ours. It was such a relaxing conversation. They are a very young couple, she is the social worker for the agency, and they adopted a little girl about a year ago.

Of course the conversation was a bit overwhelming when she started talking about EVERYTHING that was involved, but for me-I feel so much better about having that HUGE thing out of the way! It's stressful to think about-esp. in the financial aspect of things...cause we are really trying hard to save money...but everyone knows that adoption is expensive. So now is the time to start researching grants....gotta find the money somewhere. :)

So yes...while last week was upsetting and depressing-the weekend was good. It's hard to really wrap my mind around the fact that all of that hope we had been given is gone. I mean, we knew that it was going to be a small chance of conceiving after the surgery, but we did have that hope. But now its gone. I feel much worse for Mike then I do for me. He was hanging on to that hope with every thread that he could find....and now it seems like its gone. But, I have to remember, that God has his plans for us. And I have to trust him that he knows what is best for us. And he knows there is a baby out there for us...somewhere-and that when we have that baby in our arms, we can look back and say-this was all worth it.

OH MY GOODNESS!! :)

We are meeting with an agency on Saturday!! I'm so excited....and yet absolutely terrified!! :) I filled out a contact form on their website...and they called and emailed me yesterday asking if it would be possible to meet us on Saturday since one of their directors was going to be in our area. I was shocked! :) At first I didn' t know what to say....cause here we just wanted a packet of information....but after talking to Mike about it we decided we would meet her and talk with her. She said in her email that it may be easier to explain everything in a face to face meeting vs. us reading a bunch of paperwork, and emailing and calling back and forth. Since she is going to be in our area she said she would love to see us.

OH MY GOSH!!! This is so crazy!:) We are so excited.....and yet I'm really nervous! I mean-what if she doesn't like us? We really like everything we know about this agency so far....and a friend of mine adopted through this agency in May-and she had nothing but a good experience.
So here we go.... It's all happening! WOW!!

Hello Envy.....Please leave

I'm crushed. I can't even lie. I'm looking at the pictures of my new niece and I'm having a really hard time being happy right now. I'm never going to have that. Never going to experience child birth, I'm never going to experience having a baby inside me, I'm never going to be able to call my family and tell them they are going to be granparents, aunts, uncles, cousins.....I'm never going to have that. Yesterday I was ok...but I hadn't seen pictures. Now-I saw the pictures of the hospital-and it broke my heart. Instead of feeling joy inside, my heart is breaking.

I'm so sad today....I'm envious-I can't even deny that. I never thought it was going to be this hard. I thought I would be ok when I found out the baby was born....but I'm dying inside. My heart is brekaing and I feel like I'm so incredibly alone....Mike is trying to be supportive, but he wants me to be happy for them-since it is there time....not ours. But it is so hard for me to be so happy when I'm so incredibly sad for us.

I feel like part of me has died....the part that always dreamed of becoming a mom-the "normal" way. I will never have that. NEVER. And I'm angry-I'm sad, I'm bitter....and I want to know what we did to deserve this?!!?!

The other part of me feels like people have forgotten about all we are going through. They talk about the baby and the birth like it doesn't effect me at all....like they have forgotten that we will never experience that. Or they feel like we are over it...and that we have moved on. No...we haven't moved on....we are still grieving, still mourning the realization of never having a biological child of our own....and we will be for a long time. But how do I explain that to people. We aren't the same people we were 6 months ago, or even the same people we were on July 19th....before we found out. We are still sad....just because we are smiling doesn't mean we aren't crying inside.

Ugh....Envy...please leave now....I really hate having you around...

I Am an Aunt Again....

My sister had a beuatiful healthy baby girl last night. While I'm so happy for her...I'm so sad for us. (megan if you ever read this....please know that I'm so incredibly happy for you and ben, but I'm extremely sad for us.....)

I knew this day was coming-but I guess I had just been dealing with pregnancy, I hadn't really thought much of the day when the baby was born. I know when they got married, I told myself, I would be a mom before I was an aunt again. When I wasn't pregnant when she told me she was pregnant I was sad, but when we found out about our IF, the realization was true that I may not be a mommy before I am an aunt....cause it may be a very long time before I'm a mommy.

So today is a day where I look back and reflect on everything we've gone through. I have a new addition to our family and that is very exciting! But it makes me really wonder....when is it truly our turn.

I hate feeling anything but pure joy in a situation like this. So this is a day when I need to ask God for strength, for wisdom, and guidance. Because I obviously need it....

We are REALLY doing this!!!! :)

We are REALLY adopting! That seems so crazy! I mean-I've known we are...but today it all seemed so much more real to me! Why? Well we've been looking for different agencies...and today-I've actually started calling them and requesting information-so Mike and I can look further into ones that we have a "good" feeling about.

Honestly-when I picked up the phone to call the first one today-it was so weird....WE ARE ACTUALLY DOING THIS! We are actually going to adopt a baby! I'm going to be a mom!! I'm crying here at my desk..I'm just so happy!! This could be the last Christmas without a baby! This is all just so surreal to me....yet-we are so beyond excited!!!

I'm still alive...In case you were wondering :)

I'm still here...very much alive-and very much exhausted.

The last week had to be the busiest week of my life for work. Homecoming was this past week and we had so many alumni back it was insane. Not to mention all of our regular events we had planned, the socials, the trustees....so many people!! But its all done-and one more major event tonight-and I can breathe a HUGE sigh of relief. Poor Mike-he feels like he hasn't seen me in forever-and I feel the same way with him. Now he leaves town tomorrow morning-won't get back until Thursday night...and then he leaves again on Saturday...and then next week I start traveling. UGH! Such is life I guess.

Nothing else is super exicitingly new...oh yea...my computer completely crashed this morning-so for the time being I'm working in a computer lab on campus while they try and retrieve my hard drive....here's to hoping and praying they can....

WIll it EVER be our turn???

Seriously?!?! EVER?!?!?! I'm usually a patient person...one who knows that God has his plans, and that his plans trump anything I had in mind...but right now I'm feeling very impatient. Random comments from the weekend don't help anything either though.

Last night Mike and I went to meet up with a friend of mine.....we haven't seen her and her husband for about 8 months...and she recently emailed me telling me she was PG. She had no idea about our IF....and I didn't want to rain on her parade and tell her last night-so we agreed we wouldn't-unless we really felt that the time was right....well....it didn't go as planned....

We saw an old co-worker of ours at the same place...and as "T" is talking about how she is a little over 10 weeks pg....the old coworker looks at me and says....Erin...you have to be ready to pop a baby out pretty soon-when are you gonna get knocked up? Um-really?! Did you honestly just say that? So I politely look at her and tell her that we are planning on adopting. And that we are starting the process in the spring. She then asks--WHY? Feeling a bit violated I look at her and just said this is the path God has taken us on. "T" in the meantime is looking at me shocked and wondering why I hadn't told her. My old coworker continues to pry and she asked why we are adopting. It's not like we are ashamed of our situation-but its a private situation-not something I just share with everyone I know IRL. (Keep in mind by this time-Mike "went to the bathroom.") So-I open up a bit-and just say that Mike and I found out we more than likely can't have kids. So we are choosing to adopt. Old coworker proceeds to say...."well is this one of those situations where they tell you-you can't have kids-and you end up pregnant anyways?" I was shocked. I say: "well if that happens-great....but we aren't going to count on that happening." She says-well what kind of situation can be that bad where you can't have kids ever....I look at her and say having no sperm along with severe endometriosis is a sure fire way not get pregnant. Thanks for asking. She says-oh...well can't Mike have surgery to fix it....I said he is-but even with surgery-our odds are stacked against us about a mile high. So we aren't counting on it. She says oh...and walks away.

I was dumbfounded and so upset after that. I haven't been that upset in a long time-but seriously....who says comments like that-so cold, insensitve, and harsh. I was crushed when I went home.....absolutely crushed and it felt like salt was poured into the wounds all over again.

Days Like Today

I've realized that if I don't allow myself to have sad/bad days then I'm just penting up all of those emotions inside of me.

Today is a day where I'm just sad....angry, frustrated, confused, lonely, and just plain pissed. I allow myself these feelings, but while I'm feeling them I'm praying for God to take them away. I don't like feeling this way, but I know God has done wonders with me since I'm no longer feeling the intensity I was a mere 65 days ago when our lives turned upside down, and my heart was ripped apart and stomped on and then ran over by a freight train....at least thats how I invisioned it. It's a day when I look back on our wedding day and remember how happy and excited we were to be husband and wife and how excited we were to start a family together. Now that all seems so far away....

Part of today is the realization that a few friends of ours are due in the next few months as is my younger sister. I remember when she got married that I told myself that I will be a mom before I'm an aunt again. I was wrong.....VERY WRONG. While I love being an aunt to my 3 beautiful nieces, and the one on the way, I long for the feeling of love for my baby. I know in my heart that I love my baby where ever he or she is. I love them already...how that is possible-to me is a true act of God, but I long for holding him or her, rocking them to sleep, and watching Mike hold them, play with, cry with them, and be the best dad in the world.

There are days when I feel like its never going to happen, but then I step back and think it will and that I'm being allowed to feel like this so I know how much I will truly love my baby when they do come into our lives.

If there was one positive thing that I can say has come out of this situation it is that God has truly done amazing things to our (Mike and my) relationship. I have never felt more in love with him then I do these days. I sit and think about how much I love him and get excited when I realize that I get to see him in just a few short hours. I look at him when we are together and think how lucky I am to have someone who loves me as much and as unconditionally as he does. I know in my heart that I have always felt that way, but I truly believe that God has done things to our relationship over the past 2 months that are so amazing. We are closer now then ever before, and I know that in situations like this-its not always the case. I know I'm blessed when it comes to Mike...and I know God has allowed me to have these feelings to remember things like this...

Yummmmmm..........Sugar Free Mocha

I forgot my coffee this morning at home...so I went to our coffee shop here at work. And I now have a new favorite coffee....Sugar Free Chocolate Carmel Mocha. Oh MY....SOOOO GOOD!!

I was thinking it was going to be a bad day with no coffee...but now I'm set-and its SO GOOD! :)

Just had to share! If anyone is looking for a good coffee beverage.....try it out-you are not going to be disappointed. :)

Why Us????

I saw this on Pep's blog this morning....she saw it from someone else's and now I found out it :) First-who ever wrote this....WOW!! I would love to give you a hug and say-YES!!! EXACTLY!!! Secondly...Thankyou for putting the words down so we can all read them-and share them with those around us....

***************************************************

"Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "Adopt and you'll get pregnant." Of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.

"These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment.

What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and me to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper.

I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when He handed me infertility. I already know."

NAUGHTY NAUGHTY PUPPY!!!

Sig, my sweet little rescue puppy...he's such a naughty naughty puppy sometimes....

Not only can he shred an entire box of kleenex in a matter of seconds, he can empty a small garbage can and spread it all over the entire room in a very short period of time, practically open the refrigerator if it is completely closed, if not completely closed he can wedge his nose in to keep it open to find whatever he can to eat...carrots are his favorite...AND HE CAN JUMP ON A BED AN PEE ON IT-WITH NO ONE KNOWING ABOUT IT!! (That was a nice gift he left us yesterday-and I was so happy to find it at 10:30 at night....ALL OVER MY NEW SHEETS AND DOWN COMFORTER!!) And...he can wait until we are sound asleep to jump on the bed....so he can sleep in "comfort." Since the pillow on the floorwith the blanket that he drags all over the place aren't enough.

I was so ready to send him back to where ever it is that he came from last night...then he looked at me-gave me that little head tilt with the big brown eyes and came and licked my face.

Yet-I love him anyways....but sometimes I really wonder how?!?!?!?

Reason 1,243,569 Why I LOVE my Nieces

My nieces are the cutest little girls ever. I'm not biased at all!!! :) They are seriously so adorable! I don't get to see them nearly as often as I want to as they are about 350 miles away with the rest of my family.

My sister who is a hair stylist told me this story awhile back-and I just saw pictures today-so I had to "write" it down so I don't ever forget it.

My younger sister Katie (the stylist) was talking to one of my other sisters about Locks of Love and how she had someone come into the salon and cut of 12 inches for locks of love. My niece the 4 year old wanted to know what locks of love was. My sister explained to her that it was when people cut there hair to give it to other people and kids who don't have hair because they are sick. So my niece (who has been PETRIFIED to cut her hair because she thinks it will hurt) asks why people lose there hair when they are sick. So Katie tries to explain to a 4 year old without scaring the crap out of her that sometimes big people and little people get very sick and they need medicine and some medicine they get makes there hair fall out. This is her response:

"Well thats so sad...Auntie Kiki (what they call her) cut my hair. I want all little girls to have pretty hair. They can just have mine. Mine will grow back." My heart melted.

Then my 3 year old niece who does everything her 4 year old sister does-was inquisitive as well-so Katie explained to her as well how kids sick and sometimes their hair falls out... etc etc. My 3 year old niece says..."Ok-you can cut mine to-I don't mind. My hair will grow back."

HOW AMAZING IS THAT!!! I know grown adults who can't do that but 3 and 4 year old nieces will cut there hair to give it to complete strangers who are sick!!! Ugh...I'm tearing up all over again thinking about it!! So both of them did it!! I guess when they are kids Locks of Love doesn't need as much hair.....but my nieces hair grows so fast-so they each took about 10 inches off....and off it was sent-for a beautiful little girl to have. Because as my nieces said-"Mine will grow back."

Our Decisions are OUR DECISIONS

I was reading another blog this morning and it weighed on my heart because what she is feeling is very similar to what Mike and I are going through. So I feel compelled to write about it.

When Mike and I found out in July that his SA contained no sperm we were devestated. Cried a lot, and then cried some more. Mike immidietly made an appt. with his urologist and we went through all of the tests that he had to go through. When the dr. suggested surgery to see if there were any sperm present through a biopsy, and if so, to repair the damage that was done, at first we jumped on the wagon with high hopes that it would work. Then when we found out the chances of it working were extremely low-we stepped back and re-evaluated everything. We are still going ahead with the surgery-but still going to pursue adoption. We know that our chances are low so we don't want to sit back and do nothing....but we know that if we don't do it-we will always wonder what if....

One of the hardest parts for me and him has been explaining to certain people in our lives what our plans are. We feel compelled to tell them because obviously we want support, but when the responses are unsupportive or rude, we wonder why we even said anything at all. People don't understand that we may still change our minds and not do the surgery (unlikely-but that's why we are waiting until November, to give us plenty of time to think about it.) They don't understand that the chances of this working are VERY LOW and that we more than likely will never have a biological child of our own....AND WE ARE COPING WITH THAT! We don't understand why people act as if our adopted baby will not be as much of our own child as a biological baby will be. We don't understand why people can't just understand that our decisions are OUR DECISIONS and that regardless of what you say, or the horror stories you FEEL INSISTENT on telling us regarding adoption, we still are going to pursue it. We don't understand why you must tell us to go through more treatment to pursue our own biological child before going forward with adoption. For Mike and I, its not just about being pregnant, its about becoming parents. We know in our hearts that adoption is a path we must take. We know there is a beautiful child out there that will be ready and waiting for us when the time is right. But please, do not tell me to pursue all of the IF treatments in the world so we can have a biological baby. Those treatments are not for us....we have agreed to do the surgery and let God work and do what he wants to do. He has his plans-and we have accepted that.

Our decisions are Our decisions. You may not agree with them, you may not understand them, you don't have to. All we ask is for your support and encouragement along the way. We know that its going to be a very LONG road. A road that is going to be painful at times but overwhelmingly joyous at others. Regardless of the time, we need our family and friends to support us. Please don't question every decision we make. After all-they are OUR DECISIONS.

I LOVE MY TRAFFIC FEED! :)

Ok...I know that I'm not reading everyone's blog that is reading mine.....

So post here...I'd love to know who you are!! There are a few in my neck of the woods who I'm interested to find out exactly who you are. So if you would like an extra reader...post here and let me know! :)

Our Plan

Or lack there of....or kind of plan...or whatever-I guess it's "kind of" a plan...

Mike and I have talked a lot -about all of the different options. We are in such a tough spot and we really don't know what to do. But regardless-this is where we are at....

Mike is unsure about having the surgery-for a few reasons-but this being the main point-it more than likely isn't going to work. We will be taking a pretty big chance and just kind of HOPING that it will work. For the simple fact that the dr. gave us significantly less than a 50% chance of conceiving has just made us really wonder if this is just the way its is supposed to be. (I've gotten a lot of crap for saying that-so please remember-this is my blog-and I'm entitled to feel the way I do...hence why I'm writing it.) And even if it does allow for the sperm to make it through...we have no idea what the motility, morph or count will even be. More than likely at least 1 if not all 3 will be effected.

Here's the next dilemma....the emotional strain/rollercoaster that this will cause. We were told 2 months ago that we couldn't have kids. So we've been dealing with that-but really started to get excited about adoption. Yes we are still dealing with the anger, frustration, and sadness of infertility, but adoption was really becoming exciting to us. We had begun researching agencies, and grants, etc. And it was something that we were excited about-not to mention HAPPY about! Now with this-it's like it gives us some hope again...hope that we had taken away...hope that we rely on-and then live month to month again wondering if this is the month that we get pregnant. Neither one of us really knows if we want to basically feel like we are starting TTC all over again! It's such a rollercoaster when you know from the get go that the odds are against us.

But that brings me back to "the plan." Mike will more than likely go ahead with the surgery-at least as of now. The scheduler actually called us today and it may not be as long of a wait as we thought..but its still gonna be a little while. She said we could do it at the end of the month....but Mike needs more notice for work since he'll be out for about a week. So we're thinking October or November. But that's gives us time to think about it-and if we change our mind-we change our mind....BUT-in the meantime-we are going ahead with adoption. We will continue researching agencies and requesting info...etc. This way-since we're looking at probably at least the end of the year before we would know the surgery worked (via SA) we don't just sit back and waste the time. Neither Mike nor I are ones who can just sit back and do nothing nor do we want to have faith in false hope. We want to feel productive and we want to feel like we are moving closer to becoming parents.

So that's the plan...

I'm Angry...

I'm not even going to deny it. I'm angry. I'm SO ANGRY! Why us? Why!?!?! What did we do to deserve this? I'm so hurt and confused and frustrated! I want someone to give me one good reason why it is so hard for us to become parents. I feel like we are being punished for something! But yet-I don't know what!

Everyone that knows about our IF has told us that we'll be great parents one day! That's great-but how come people who can become great parents can't have a baby-but the meth addicted stripper, or the mom who drinks her entire pregnancy, just to have a baby that will grow up in a neglectful and/or abusive home can have one without any trouble! I just don't get it!!!

I WANT ANSWERS!! And if one more person tells me-Just adopt then you will get pregnant for sure! I will probably come completely unglued. I mean if by a miracle that happened-fine-we would be beyond thrilled-but honestly-that is NOT something you tell someone when they are going through such a rollercoaster of emotions!

Today is just a hard day-a very hard, very bad day.

Moving on to Surgery

Mike's appt was this morning. Dr. has decided that he wants to do surgery. His 2nd SA came back the same as the first-none. Hormones were fine. So the dr. has decided that he wants to go ahead with surgery. He'll do a biopsy right away to find out if there are even any sperm present-if not-the surgery will end there. If there are-he will see what he can do to repair the damage that was done.

The dr. thinks that basically something was cut when his hernia was repaired during his surgery when he was 2. If he can fix it-there is less than a 50% chance that we will ever conceive. But even if he does "fix" it-its up to biology to see if things are going to work.

I can handle that I guess-it's this waiting game that I absolutely hate. The dr. was honest and said that his surgery schedule is quite full and it could be a few months before he is able to get him in. A FEW MONTHS!!! WE HAVE TO WAIT MONTHS!!! I almost fell over when Mike told me that!! Now-maybe it will be sooner-we'll find out the beginning of next week. His scheduling nurse wasn't in today-and he told him that she would call next week-but to plan on it being a few months out.

So here we sit-still not knowing where are lives are going to lead us. We were hoping for more definitive answers today. Thats what we were told at the last appt. Guess we'll stop believing that. I just want to move in one direction or another. Even if they do the surgery-and he "corrects" it....there is still less than a 50% chance. So we do take that chance...and TTC for another few years-or move on to adoption right away. UGH!! I HATE THIS!!! I hate IF, I hate the unknown. IT SUCKS!!!

7 Years Ago Today....

I was told by my parents that 9/11 would be our equivelent to where were you when JFK was shot....both events that you will NEVER forget. So where was I? I was a sophomore in college. I got up for my 9:30 ethics class-and turned on the tv-to see the 1st tower on fire. Literally about 20 seconds later I watched as the 2nd plane hit. I thought I was watching a replay, when in reality I was watching the 2nd tower on fire. I remember thinking-oh my gosh, those poor people-and praying so hard that as many of them as possible would make it out alive. Not knowing the extent of what was going on in the world I went to class. Only to hear more and more that this was the start of war. We had been attacked by terrorists. I was angry, scared, and sad. My ethics professor brought in a tv and felt that it was an appropriate time to try and have us focus on learning about ethics when something that catastrophic had just happened. He said if we wanted to go back to our dorms we could-or we could watch the coverage there in class.
Most of us didn't move-we just sat glued to the tv. Not long after-the first tower fell. Tears streamed down my face. Those poor people. So many of them you knew couldn't have made it out alive. Then, a short while later-I went back to my room-and again was glued to the tv. I didn't move for hours. I called my mom-just to tell her I loved her, then I called my dad and did the same thing. I was so scared. I was 350 miles away from my parents-but felt as if I was a world a part. My mom was at work-and she hadn't seen any of the coverage yet. She was to scared to look at things on the internet for fear of what she would see.
My boyfriend at the time called me-him also being 350 miles away just called to see how I was doing. Knowing me-he knew I would be scared and upset. We talked for awhile...said our goodbyes....but I remember thinking that I wanted nothing more than to be at home with him and my parents.
I watched as the 2nd tower fell and I remember the news breaking in to tell us the pentagon had been hit and then the other plane that crashed in a field in Pennsylvania. Is this it? Is the world ending? What is going on!!! I was so scared! Classes were cancelled for the rest of the day. An email was sent out to the students saying that we needed to stay in our dorms and pray. I did. I don't know how many rosary's I said that day-but prayer was comforting.
In the days following I remember sitting at my desk in my dorm looking out the window to see fighter jets flying pretty low. I forget that this state has missle tanks. Great! What's next! They flew over head for months. I will never forget seeing the airforce emblem on the tails and thinking of my dad. He retired as a sargeant just a few short years before-and 1 week before 9/11 he received a letter in the mail asking if he would come out of retirement and work on base in to train. He had decided he would. He called the Lieutenant-couldn't get through-and never heard back. THANK GOD! I don't know what I would have done if my dad would have gone to war. He was activated for the first Gulf War-I couldn't comprhend him going again.
Now 7 years later I sit in my office...right across the hall from where I watched the tv of the towers falling. It's eary. 7 years have passed, but honestly-I remember the details of it all as if it were yesterday.

Tomorrow is it...

Tomorrow we will find out FOR SURE which direction our life is going....It's going to go 1 of 2 ways....

Surgery to repair the damage
or
Adoption

It's scary to think that tomorrow is the day we've been waiting for-for 2 months! But honestly-I'm so ready to not live in limbo anymore! My heart is already with adoption...so I feel as though God has already taken me there. But I know Mike's heart is still holding on to the hope that maybe it can be fixed-whatever the problem is. We have our theories...but we'll find out tomorrow for sure.

So say some prayers....for peace, for acceptance, for strength. Cause tomorrow-I think I'm going to need all of it-but Mike more so than me.

I'll update after the appt. It's in the morning....so we should knowbefore noon.

"hail mary" Appt on Thursday

It will probably be the last appt. with the urologist unless Mike's SA comes back differently (highly unlikely) or the dr. wants to run more tests. Since we were completely up front and said that IVF wasn't an option for us it limits what he can do. Since in reality, based on what we've read, the chances of anything being reversed are so slim, we are thinking this will be the last appt. Who knows, miracles do happen and maybe there was some HUGE lab error-oh wouldn't that be one for the books, but again, we aren't holding out hope. We are even contemplating going to an adoption seminar this weekend. So it seems as though the realization that I will never physically carry a child is becoming more and more realistic. It still hurts, actually its gut wrenchingly painful, but we are dealing, a day at a time we are dealing.

But until Thursday-we are still thinking...Maybe....Maybe one day there will be a baby....our own biological baby. After Thursday-we will more than likely think something else...but until then-I at least have hope-not much hope-but some hope.

Sick puppy....

When we got Sig we knew he was a rescue-and that he came from an awful situation...brief history:
He was rescued from 4 teenagers who were in the process of stoning him to a point of unconsciousness, once he was unconscious they were going to hang him. When the woman who whitnessed this told them she wanted the dog-they said no-she insisted and asked what they wanted for it...they said Cigarettes...so she bought them a pack of cigarettes-and she took the dog. Hence his name--Sig. (Short for cigarette-we felt that since in his case cigarettes saved his life-they should be his name sake. :) ) THANK GOODNESS SHE FOUND HIM!! Cause we wouldn't have him now and we LOVE him dearly!

Regardless, when he was found-he was about 7-8 weeks old-and was very tiny..only about 7 pounds, very dehydrated, very weak, and needed food and a good bath. Who knows how long he had been out in the "wild" for. He had been abandoned-probably because he was the runt-at least we think. He was full of ticks and had a bad case of worms.

***Warning..weak stomachs do not read on***

Fast forward to now. Sig has turned into a happy and healthy puppy! He's fattened up (in a good way) and his a complete love! (that's what I call my pups-my little loves.) Well this weekend-I noticed something wasn't quite right with him...he was more tired than usual-and while he would eat-he wouldn't drink...and honestly-this dog would drink the well dry if I let him. Then Saturday he had a few vomitting episodes...that continued into the middle of the night when he started vomitting up worms. YES WORMS!! My poor puppy has a terrible case of worms. Luckily I was able to get him into the vet right away this morning to get him a dose of dewormer. Where one might ask did he get these worms-who knows!! We just had him at the vet 10 days ago to get neutered and the test she did then was negative-so somehow over the past 10 days he got them from somewhere. Hopefully the dewormer does the trick and I won't be cleaning up worms anymore. Ugh...to make matters worse I was sick all weekend-and with a weak stomach-seeing that did NOT help me at all!!

Here's to hoping that I have a worm free puppy in a few days!!

This is the picture of him a few weeks ago...how could anyone hurt this little guy!!!

And now-him and Daisy....Friends for Life!! :)

More Tests.....

Well we made the 180 mile (round trip) travel for another SA and more tests. The urologist wanted Mike to have 1 more round of tests done just to make sure that we are actually dealing with the results that we first got. Which I guess I'm ok with...but the $$$ aspect of it kinda sucks. We got the insurance statement yesterday for the first round of bloodwork and SA and office visit and it was well over $400. He meets with him next week for the results-but we aren't expecting anything different-nor is the urologist. Since the urologist believes that the damage was done when he was so young (around 2) he really doesn't feel that he will be able to reverse anything or do anything for us. So we are starting to deal with that-and actually having that finalization in a sense or at least a feeling of finalization is making things a bit easier. Granted next week maybe we'll get some drasitically different news-but we really aren't expecting it.
On the way home today we started talking about baby names. It was kinda fun-we haven't really let ourselves do that for awhile. So agreed on a few....but of course they will change-cause they always do. :)

Realization..

This will be yet another childless holiday season...

Ugh...I hate today...I wish I would have just stayed in bed...

Alone...

I feel so alone these days. I don't mean alone in the fact that no one is with me-I feel emotionally alone. A little over a month ago when Mike and I got the devestating news about our inability to conceive a child on our own we were just that-devestated. We didn't tell a ton of people right away-but we did tell some within a week or so after. We told those that were closest to us...so mainly our family and a few of our VERY close friends.

Lately though it just seems like no one cares though. I mean-I don't expect the pity party-nor do I want it..but is it so hard for someone to ask-How are you guys doing? How are you holding up? Instead I hear about all the babies in there life-or in there tummy and how uncomfortable they are and how miserable the heat is on them. Then I hear about how awful it is they are due in the middle of winter and how they won't be able to leave the house. Or I hear about how there best friend or sister or neighbor-or who ever just had the most beautiful baby. Gee-thanks!! I needed to hear all of those things. Not that I want people to completely sensor there conversations around me-but when its a one on one conversation-how about steering away from the baby talk. How about not telling me how uncomfortable you feel when I would absolutlely give ANYTHING to feel the way you do!! I would love to feel uncomfortable if it meant being able to have a baby with my husband.

I feel like since its been about 6 weeks since we got the news people expect that we should be over it and have dealt with it-and just have just moved on. Ummm-no-not even close actually. We still cry at night when we think about not being parents "the old fashioned way." We still get sad and depressed when someone talks to us about there pregnancy, we still are upset when someone tells us they are pregnant while on the outside we are acting happy for them. IT SUCKS!! Someone actually told me-be thankful you don't have to go through the uncomfortableness of pregnancy. REALLY?? Be thankful!! How about you being thankful for that life growing inside you and being able to experience it. Cause really-I'd be a lot more thankful than you are acting right now.

Ugh...it's a day-a bad day-on the outside I appear fine-but on the inside I'm just being torn apart. My heart has been broken. And piece by piece I think one day it will get back together. But even after we adopt-I still think that we will long for the children we never had.

An Adoption Poem

AN ADOPTION POEM
Once there were two women
Who hardly knew each other
One you do not remember
The other you call mother
Two different lives shaped to make yours one
One becoming your guiding star
The other became your sun
The first gave you life
And the second taught you to live in it
The first gave you a need for love
And the second was there to give it
One gave you nationality
The other gave you a name
One gave you the seed of talent
The other gave you an aim
One gave you emotions
The other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile
The other dried your tears
The age old questions through the years;
Heredity or environment - which are you the product of?
Neither my darling - neither
Just two different kinds of love!
Anonymous

It was harder than I thought....

It was...I thought I could do it-and it wouldn't bother me at all...but I was wrong. I threw the shower on Sunday and I came home so sad. Mike could tell right away but he said he was proud of me for doing it. It was just so hard to see all of those women there-most are mom's already-and some are expecting...and me thinking-am I ever going to have this? I don't know! I don't know if I'll ever have a baby shower, if I'll ever be a mom-thats what I feel like today...like its never going to happen. In my heart-I love my baby so much already...but in my head I think...what baby!?!?! I don't have one-and I don't know if I ever willl.

I'ts just so hard these days. SOOOO HARD! It's gotten worse-I thought it was supposed to get better! I thought I would grieve and move on...now I'm grieving more than I thought I would and the thought of never having my own child is getting harder and harder to wrap my mind around. I just hate this feeling so much!

I ordered the book Hannah's Hope off of Half.com. I'm hoping it shows up today. I think it would do me some good to read a book on coping with IF rather than on adoption and the process and all that comes along with it...but I've never found a really good book. I had recommendations about this one-so here's to hoping.

There was one very good thing about yesterday...when I got home from the park with the pups there was a bouquet of flowers, a card and a yummy dessert that Megan ( I thres the shower for her on Sunday...and she knows about ALL of our IF issues)made for me and dropped off. It was the sweetest card and the most uplifting message I've heard in a long time. God truly blessed me with a friend like her!

Another Day...

Well I'm throwing a Baby Shower on Sunday for a good friend of mine who had a baby girl about 3 weeks ago. I'm excited about it..everyone hanging out will be a lot of fun-but I think its going to be a tough one to swallow. Watching her open all of these great baby gifts and seeing a beatiful baby girl in front of me all day will be tough-but I'm so happy for Megan. She's such a great mom.

I look forward to the day when there will be a baby shower for Mike and I and our little one that we will be bringing home. We are talking more and more about adoption lately. Mike is becoming much more open about the situation. Which is good for him. Hearing him talk about it means that he is starting to accept things a littl more now. We do have another appointmen with the urologist on the 11th of september...but we both know what the outcome will be-at least in our hearts we feel we know. So we are just preparing ourselves for that..and if some miracle happens before then...then it will be a nice surprise ;)

I've been praying so much lately for peace. Peace for so many things and strength for acceptance. I know that God has softened my heart and has allowed me to grieve and is still allowing me to grieve. And for that I'm thankful. I know now that without My God I would be nothing...and without faith I would be lost.

Thank you Lord for Prayers Answered.

A New Day

I woke up yesterday just bitter....it happens and I allow myself to have those days. Today-wasn't much better. I woke up angry and frustrated. And while it has nothing to do with us not being able to have a baby directly...it was just an added stress.

Today however....well since about 1:00 its a new day. And I feel so much better about my life....HOW? One may ask that...and the only thing I can say is that the power of prayer is a wonderful thing. I've been angry the past few days at a situation I'm in-Not IF related at all. But regardless-I've been angry and bitter. I asked God for peace...for strength-but most of all for peace of this situation. I just needed to be able to let this baggage go....and just say I can't change anything now-so there's no point in dwelling on it- but regardless it was hard for me to do that...and I really wanted to just move on...but again I was angry. This morning I sat at my desk and just bowed my head and prayed. I said the Lord's prayer and just asked God at the end for Peace.... That leads me to this part of my day.

Today at work we had a luncheon outside...it was a fundraising luncheon for an organization called the COLLEGE CARING FUND. Since I was asked to be on the committee I went and helped serve some food-I visited with other staff members and before I left I saw a fellow staff member that I was an acquaintance with. We have a mutual friend and I knew they had adopted a few months ago. She had the most beautiful baby girl with her. I went and talked to her and congratulated her....we talked for quite awhile-and eventually we started talking about adoption. I told her that Mike and I were planning on adopting in the future and we went from there...before I knew we were both crying about our IF issues...but it felt sooooo good to actually physically sit and talk with someone about it! And to see an end result felt...and such a GREAT RESULT was so amazing. They did 3 IUI's and had one failed adoption attempt....but now they have this beautiful baby girl. And they know it was all worth it.

That conversation today was the best thing for me! I need to send her a little baby gift and maybe something for her. She's was so amazing to talk to. And I hope to spend more time with her and her husband. They are such a young couple-our age...and to FINALLY meet someone that we can physically talk to and relate to-is such a blessing.....

That brings me to now. After that conversation I was at such peace with my life. I am happy for the first time in a long time...and I feel as though it can happen for us. I feel like this is just the beginning of so many great things for us. Of course we still have a ways to go...but in the mean time-I'm just going to go with it and see where God takes us.

Tomorrow is another day and I may feel upset again-and I've learned to let myself feel these ways...but I've also learned to offer these things up to the Lord. If I do....as I've seen so often in the past...he will take care of them. I have a new Bible Verse that has become my favorite. A dear friend of mine wrote it in a card..and I cherish it:

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you

and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

I hate Days like Today

It's just a day. A day when I feel down, depressed, sad, angry, bitter, pissed off at the world and stressed. I know its just a day-and this day to shall pass, but I hate it. I hate that everyone around me seems to be pregnant. Although I know its not true-thats just how I feel today.

When I started this blog I never thought it would turn into a total IF blog. Did I suspect troubles yes-but I would have NEVER thought about this. So now as I sit here writing my 100th post...I realize how much my life has changed over the last few weeks. And how when I look into the future-I don't know what I see. I think about the financial stress this adoption is going to have on us-and our hopes of having a big family seems to be fading in front of me. I think about how this is going to be such a long process-but yet I'm not ready to fully jump start it and start the process because I'm so overwhelmed that I don't know where to even begin with it. UGH!! I just want to cry and scream at the same time!!

I don't even know what to do with myself today. I would love to go home and crawl into bed with my 2 dogs and watch TV for the entire day-take a few naps and just relax...unfortunately-thats not going to happen. So I guess I should try and be productive in one way or another.

I LOVE MY BABY!!

I do not know where you are, who you are, where you are coming from, or if you are already born, but I LOVE YOU ALREADY, and I can't wait to meet you.

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The past few weeks as I have been thinking aboud about adoption and all that lies ahead I've been doing a lot of research. I have a playlist of inspiration songs set up on YOU-TUBE. (I KNOW! I thought that site was just for people who wanted to upload videos of themselves.) But as I was listening to the songs, I thought about what adoption video's would be on YOUTUBE as well. Well if you are looking to adopt or if just want a good HAPPY cry....type in "Gotcha Day" on You Tube...you will cry your eyes out. I've watched a few of them and they are so moving. I long for that day when I can hold my baby in my arms...and say: I love you...you are my baby. One day...I will have that. I don't know when...but until then I know I love my baby with my whole heart already and I don't even "know" them. But in my heart I know them...he or she is my child...and I Love them!

My Mom...Always Says it best...

She reminded me:

"WHEN GOD CLOSES A DOOR, SOMEWHERE HE OPENS A WINDOW."

Thanks Mom!
I LOVE YOU!

I guess I know it's "Over"

Mike didn't want me to go to the dr. with him yesterday-and I honored his wishes-although I was sitting on pins and needles at work waiting for an update. He came to my office after and told me about it. Gave me a brief rundown...and then went on his way. (Referring to yesterday's post.)

Then last night we started talking about it again. I've learned not to push it to much with him. He'll talk about it when he's ready-and as hard as it is for me to not want to force him to talk to me-I didn't. I just let him bring it up...so when he did I started asking further questions. Like what does he think the cause was. He's fairly sure that it is attributed to the surgery he had when he as younger. He was a premie (5 weeks early) and one of his testicles didn't drop. They tried hormone treatments (which we didn't know about until last night when his mom told us on the phone...would have been nice to know....GRRR) and eventually at the age of 2 he had surgery to fix it and then he also had a hernia fixed as well.

The urologist is leaning towards the possibility of damage being done during that surgery. Basically the "tube was cut" as he put it. He won't know for sure...but he's leaning towards that as a strong possibiltiy. Which if that was the case....he can "try" and fix it but he was already talking about invitro. Mike told him that wasn't an option for us.....and he said that does make his job easier-because even if he does fix it-the chances of us getting pregnant are still quite slim. So in a way..I'm relieved-and I feel like we have some answers....but we won't know definitively until the appt. in September.

I was telling Lish yesterday-the reality of it all i setting in a bit more these days. I find myslef crying a bit more about it then I did before. I find myself thinking about our travels to the baby when he or she is born...and feeling very strongly about adopting from Asia. All of these emotions are so new to me. Instead of keeping them bottled up-we are learning to express them to each other...but we still take it a day at a time.

Appointment...

Well...from what Mike told me it was not a very pleasant experience. :( I feel bad for him.

The urologist didn't have a ton of answers for us...and he did bloodwork and is doing a repeat SA. He sees him again on the 11th of September. If the bloodwork shows nothing abnormal in hormone levels and the SA shows the same...then he will go in for surgery to see the cause. Regardless...he didn't want to give us false hope. He didn't feel any kind of abnormalities...which is a good thing. Typically a blockage can be felt as well. So I guess its just a wait and see. I have a feeling that the next few weeks and months of testing are going to be quite long and stressful. UGH...I HATE THIS!!

Urologist Appointment Today...

And Hopefully we will have some kind of answers. I know I should be patient-and he could tell us that he needs to do much more tests blah blah blah...but I just one ONE solid concrete answer to one of these questions: What caused it? How long as it been this way? Is it in anway partially reversible?

Mike is absolutely terrified. He doesn't want to hear "its not reversible." But I think after this appointment regardless of the outcome....he will be able to move on in one way or another. Its going to take time for both of us-but I think the hanging in limbo makes things worse on him and us in general. So...here's to hoping and praying for some kind of answer(s)!!!!

My Dear Wonderful Loving Husband

I love Mike with my entire heart and soul. He is the 1 TRUE LOVE OF MY LIFE! I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else but him. Marriage is so wonderful like that...."TILL DEATH DO US PART" FOREVER!! I love knowing that! Forever seems so permanent-and I LOVE THAT!

Mike and I have had our fair share of rough times in our relationship. Our marriage in and of itself has been good...but Mike's life thus far has been anything but easy. I feel so blessed to grow up in the family that God Blessed me with. I know Mike has said over and over that he wishes his memories were as good as mine. His parents divorced when he was quite young. He was never very close with his dad, but for a few years they worked really hard to rebuild there relationship-and it was getting much better. But....His Dad died suddenly in a fire about 9 months after Mike got married. (almost 7 years ago)6 months later he was divorced. His relationship with his mom is stable-although he feels as though there is distance between them. He's not as close to her as he'd like to be.

Mike and I started dating...and dated for 4 years before we were married. He has always said that he found God again when he met me. He felt so alone and that he didn't know what to do with his life...God helped him through some of the toughest times in his life. And now-he's helping us through this. With that said...I will say this.

Mike is so strong for me. He's always there. Always someone for me to lean on for support in my job, in my everyday decisions, in EVERYTHING! I do the same for him....but Mike told me something last night that made me so sad...that he felt so alone. He feels like he is going through this alone. He knows he has me...but I'm his wife. There are times you need someone to talk to besides your spouse when it comes to things like this. He has friends-and many good friends....but some of those friends that he has told-just don't seem to get it. It's like..."hey that sucks" and then change of subject. And guys are different like that-but Mike is an emotional guy. He'll cry at a movie, and he'll cry when he's sad....don't get me wrong-he's about as manly as they come...but he can wear his emotions on his sleeve. Last night I just held him and he cried and cried. I felt so bad for him-because he feels so alone. He can only really talk to me about it...he needs someone to talk to. His brother doesn't get it...and just kinda blows it off like its not a big deal.

I just want to fix it all....I know we aren't meant to have biological children of our own...and we/I can deal with that...but I want to make him feel better-and healed emotionally. But I can't do that. I don't know how or what to do. He's my rock-and my strength...but I feel like I can't do the same for him. He knows I'm always here for him...but I just feel like I should be doing more-but I don't know what.

So for those of you that pray...we need prayers. For both of us-but especially Mike. He needs strength to get through this. Strength that no one but God can give him.

Why should I expect any Different??

So over the last week and a half for the first time in a long time I realized I didn't know when AF was supposed to arrive. I was thinking about it over and over and I realized when I looked at my calendar that I thought it was due last Monday. But I guess in reality I had just lost track of the days. One would think that any TTC woman would know when AF is supposed to arrive. And I probably would if all that went on over the last few weeks hadn't actually gone on. I had quite paying attention to my calendar and my weeks when my life felt like it stopped about 3 weeks ago. I kinda freaked out a bit....thinking WHAT!! SHE'S LATE! And I didn't realize it! Of course I didn't rush out buying an HPT but I thought what if? What if my some miracle I was PG. It would truly be nothing short of a miracle. But who was I fooling. There was no way that could be possible.

And then reality set in and I realized that I was looking at the wrong month and I was a week off. She was due today and she she showed up on Saturday-2 days early...lucky me.

I guess I will always think as a TTC woman-even though I will never be pregnant. Such is life I guess.

Tears...Tears...more Tears....

Thats how I feel today. Today at least I have some emotion.....sadness...extreme sadness. I woke up this morning just sad. I feel like I could cry. And now that I'm sitting at my desk at work typing this-the tears are starting to fall...

I got to work and I checked my email and facebook and the first thing I see are the baby pictures I've been trying to avoid for a few days. I honestly feel like I've been robbed. I will NEVER HAVE THAT MOMENT! I will never ever have the moment of a grueling painful awful labor, to give that final push and have my baby set on my stomach.... I will never have the moment of feeling the baby for the first time in my stomach. WHY!?!?! What did I do to deserve this! I just don't understand. I feel like I'm being punished. I know I shouldn't feel like this-but honestly-I do. I know God has his plans I just need to wait and find out what those plans are, but I really just dont' understand why we have to go through all of this pain and heartache, sadness, frustration, anger, bitterness, and hurt to have a baby. When there are women out there who don't want a baby and get pregnant without any trouble. I just don't understand.

I hurt so badly-and I don't like to hurt. I want to crawl in a little ball and just cry. I know I can't-but I want to so badly.

Parts of this honestly come from the lack of support we have felt from some people around us. MOST HAVE BEEN SO WONDERFUL!! Others it seems almost go to that extra mile to talk about there pregnancy in front of me or directly to me. They talk about all of the annoying pulls and uncomfortableness that comes along with it. I just want to shake them and say-WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS!?!?!? Don't you think That I would give anything to feel that uncomfortableness and have those "annoying" kicks in the middle of the night keeping me awake-and being able to take Mike's hand and put it on my stomach and say-"hun-that's your baby." I Won't ever be able to do that! And you are telling me that you are uncomfortable! People just don't get it!
It hurts alot to have people that you think/thought are your friends to be that insensitive about your feelings. These are the people that you rely on for strength-and they are the ones that are being the most hurtful. And these are the people that I'm being forced to separate myself from because it causes me more pain to be with them-then to not.

I wish I could just explain to people-that I hurt-and its not something that I'm just going to get over-over night. Its going to be a long time before I can do what you call...."Just adopting." So bare with me if my emotions don't quite fall into happiness and jumping for joy all the time over the pregnancy that you seem to be throwing in my face....or on a completely different note...sympathy for the thought that you "may one day of trouble trying to conceive." Because although I hope and pray that you never have to go through the TTTC phase...don't tell me you know how I feel because you may one day experience TTTC-which is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT then NEVER BEING ABLE TO CONCEIVE!

I'm Numb

That's the way I've been feeling the last few days and even into late last week. I mean I know I hurt in a lot of senses and I know why I hurt-but the last few days I've felt nothing. No pain, no sadness, no happiness...I'm just numb. I don't know how to feel right now. How should I be feeling? Sad, angry, confused, I have no idea, because I just feel numb to the world.

Don't know if thats normal...but its just how I feel...so this isn't going to be a long post of emotions...because I really don't have any.

It Hurt's Today...

My heart hearts it aches...it's falling apart and crumbling into small pieces. Some people talk to me and say-we'll you seem pretty happy and upbeat so you must be taking the news pretty well. Really? I am...well its ALL AN ACT. Because on the inside I'm dying. I woke up this morning thinking it was going to be a good day. I only work until noon and then I'm off to Fargo to meet someone who used to be in my position who is going to give me a few ideas on some events she used to coordinate. I'm going to do a bit of shopping and then stop and say hi to Dana-since I have not seen her for awhile and her birthday is on Monday. I thought....today is going to be a good day! But I got to work checked my email....and logged on to facebook...and there it was....a classmate of mine had a beatiful baby girl last night. It hit me all over again. I'm never going to have that. I know we will have our own excitement of adoption and I will love that baby with all my heart-I ALREADY DO....but it's different and anyone dealing with IF who's chose to go the adoption route knows what I mean.
So while some people say-your holding up pretty well...don't let the smile fool you. On the inside I feel like dying but I'm slowly picking up the pieces in hopes one day it will be whole again....but I don't think it will be until I hold my sweet baby in my arms for the first time.

NO-YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!

I hate that phrase! I understand what you're going through...or yea-I know what you mean.

Do you?!?!? Do you really understand the emotional rollercoaster of infertility and never having a child of your own. How could you? You have a baby already!

I don't want a pity party and I don't want you to tell me that everything is going to be ok -if I just adopt. I don't want you to tell me that you know what I'm going through because you have a certain "condition" and you think you may have trouble down the road TTC. I don't want you to tell me that you can relate to how I'm feeling. The sense of loss the sense of worthlessness, the sense of being broken and not being able to be "fixed." You don't understand and you can't understand-so don't tell me you do.

Vent over....

How do I deal with it?

Thats what everyone keeps telling me. Just take time to deal with this and you'll know when you're ready to move on. Ok..thats a great thing to think of but how am I supposed to deal with it? I don't know how or what I'm supposed to do. I had a really good couple days...I was upbeat and positive and the idea of Adoption excited me. (Or at least I thought it did...maybe it was the idea that Adoption should excite me-excited me.) Now today-its like I've taken 20 steps back and I'm getting knocked down to the ground again. I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm bitter, and annoyed and I don't like it-but I don't know how to deal with it.

It doesn't help that some people aren't being as supportive as I thought they would be. Granted some have been really really great-and I thank God that those people are in my life, because its people like them that will give me the strength and support to get through this. It is others that make me feel like what we are going through is no big deal-and why can't you "just adopt." Well if it was a matter of "just adopting" don't you think everyone would do it? As Rachel said: "Allow them some dumb time." :) So thats what I'm going to do. Maybe if they see me again in a few weeks and me not being "over it" and ready to "just adopt" they will understand that there is a grieving process that needs to happen first. But I'm finding that I don't know how to grieve.

I mean-I know that the feelings of sadness and anger are normal, but I dont' know what to do with those feelings. I try and funnel them into prayer in hopes that I can just lift them up to Jesus and just tell Him to take away the pain, or give me peace to deal with the pain...but really can't there me an instruction manual or something?

So if anyone knows of a good book that I can read to understand the pshychological aspect of IF I would really appreciate any recommendations.

Until then....
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things rightif I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next.
Amen.

GLIMMER OF HOPE!!!

Mike had a dr. appt this morning with his regular dr. that did refer him to a urologist. HOWEVER...WE DO HAVE HOPE!!! His dr. told him that he has seen this before, and it could be one of 3 things....
1. A SEVERE INFECTION
2. AN ANTIBODY THAT HIS BODY PRODUCES
3. A BLOCKAGE

All 3 of those things are partially if not fully treatable. PRAISE GOD WE HAVE SOME HOPE!!!!!

Thank you GOD!!

While we are trying to not get to excited, as we know what the outcome could be this is by far the highlight of our week. We have some hope...something to hang on to!!!

My Heart Aches Today

It hurts so badly. For so many reasons. I'm mourning a child I will never have. I'm angry, frustrated, bitter, sad, confused and I'm asking the question why? Why us? No one should have to go through this pain, but at the same time I wonder why God chose us to go through it.

It hurts for Mike and I and our relationship. It is strained. It is being pulled to the max it feels like. We are fine one minute and the next I just feel as though he is annoyed and frustrated with me. And I know he doesn't mean to be that way, it is just his way of dealing with things, but it hurts when I feel like there is nothing I can do to console him but I want consoling as well. I'm hoping that he may start to open up to 1 of our very good friends over the next few days. They are some of our best friends and we love them dearly and I told them yesterday about everything. It is just a few days after they had there first beautiful baby. And she cried and cried. She now knows all that I will be missing out on, and she had no words to console me. Her husband and Mike are quite close as well, and I know Mike could really really use a good friend these days. Someone to talk to and lean on. Someone with strong Christian beliefs that will try and make him understand (although neither of us ever will) that God has his reasons and his plans for us. Someone besides his typical guy friends who will just make jokes about it as his heart is breaking. I feel so badly for him. I just wish that I could make him feel better. But there isn't. I can't buy him anything, take him anywhere, or give him anything that will make him realize that I love him with all of my heart and soul and that nothing that happens will ever change that. Nothing I can do or give or say will take away the pain he is feeling. All I can do is pray for peace.

Mike has another dr. appt today. For some reason I'm not feeling very hopeful. I want to feel hopeful, but I'm scared. I'm scared to have it all taken away in a matter of seconds. Yesterday I felt as though all I could do was hang on to that thread of hope. Today-I feel as though its already gone and there is nothing left.

"Lord Give Me Strength..."

Sometimes in your heart you just know....

Sometimes I go back and read my old posts to remember how I was feeling before all this happened. I came across this one....How ironic and strange and crazy is this???
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Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Adoption.....maybe...maybe not.....
Have you ever just been pulled towards something....something for your future-something that you feel so strongly about-but yet you can't figure out why exactly? Thats me......about Adoption. Since I was dating Mike and we talked about getting married and kids-I've thought about adoption and how much I would love to adopt a child one day. Its strange for me. Coming from a family of fertile myrtles I never thought we would have any trouble TTC. But now that we are the thought has been more and more on my mind. Its to the point where i wonder what he or she will look like-what the mother will look like-where they will be from......IT'S CRAZY!! Yet I feel so strongly about it.......I don't know-maybe i'm crazy and just assuming that we will never get pg on our own-and it will be our only option. But I can't help researching adoption agencies and wanting so badly to request information from them. But I know I need to wait. All in God's time....that's what I have to tell myself.....I'll know when its right...and God will tell me. Mike is by no means against adoption. But he wants to exhaust all TTC methods first. Me-if we can't get pg on our own.....I want to jump right to adoption. :) It's crazy...sometimes I'm the more pushy one :)

Rough Night

I was doing so well yesterday...and then it was time to go to the store, pick up a baby gift and head to the hospital. I am so absolutely thrilled for M & P. But on the inside my heart was breaking. I almost didn't even hold her when we got there. Mike did and he asked if I wanted to and at first I just said no....and then after about 15 minutes he asked me again, and I took her. I couldn't help but notice how beautiful she was. So perfect. And then I remembered....I'm never going to have this. I'm never going to be in the hospital enjoying the company of all of our visitors coming to see my baby. I'm never going to make that phone call announcing the birth, I'm not going to be able to watch my husband cut the cord. I'm so devestated.

Talk about a roller coaster of emotions for me. Yesterday all day I was fine. I thought about it, ALOT, but emotionally I was holding up ok. Then last night I went down hill. Once we left the room I cried walking to the elevator. Mike just hugged me. He knows how hard this is for me, and I know he's going through the same thing-but really I wonder how are we going to move on from this? It seems so impossible right now.

A few days ago I had NO hope that they would find any sperm. But now, thats all I can do is hang on to is hope. I HOPE and PRAY that tomorrow we have some answers and they say-"I think there is a chance." I will hold on to that chance until we here-there is nothing.

Ugh...I hope today is better than yesterday....

I didn't cry this morning!!!

I cried last night-but I was able to get up this morning and not cry!!!! That's a pretty big accomplishment since I've cried more than not over the past few days. At least thats how I feel.

I'm angry and bitter, and hurting....all of which are normal I would imagine, but I still hate feeling like this. In time-I'm hoping and praying for peace and strength to get through this...for now-just taking it one day at a time.

Mike and I talked about the HD position. He doesn't want to do it. I'm a little frustrated about it-because I feel as if it its basically FREE money being handed to us! But he said he's got to much on his plate right now-and he can't devote the time needed for it. While I'm thinking-yes it would require time...but not nearly as much as he is expecting. But he said we need to think about what is emotionally best for us not just financially. While I'm trying to think about both. I'm doing a lot of prayign about it. I really really think its a good fit for us...so I'm just hoping that God leads us in the right direction. And if we're supposed to to it that Mike has a change of heart. The money would be unbelievable and I'd feel so guilty about just letting it slip away from us.

Mike actually asked me yesterday-if I knew now what I did when he asked me to marry him-would i have still said yes!!! I was floored!!! I cried and said OF COURSE!!! Why wouldn't I?!?!?! I love him more today than I did on our wedding day-and just because we can't have biological kids together doesn't mean that I love him any less!!! I was hurt that he would even ask me that...but I think its the guilt of it all thats getting to him and I have to let him deal with that guilt in his own way-but the question was still shocking.

He also said he was thinking of not coaching this year. That floored me as well. He LOVES coaching and he said without knowing what is going to happen in the next few months as far as tests go for him and any possible surgeries he just feels that he can't devote 100% to it.

So for anyone that reads this....please pray for us. We need strength and we need guidance and we need peace. This is by far the hardest thing we have EVER dealt with. Our marriage will be stronger because of it-but for n0w-we need all of the extra help we can get!