I guess I know it's "Over"

Mike didn't want me to go to the dr. with him yesterday-and I honored his wishes-although I was sitting on pins and needles at work waiting for an update. He came to my office after and told me about it. Gave me a brief rundown...and then went on his way. (Referring to yesterday's post.)

Then last night we started talking about it again. I've learned not to push it to much with him. He'll talk about it when he's ready-and as hard as it is for me to not want to force him to talk to me-I didn't. I just let him bring it up...so when he did I started asking further questions. Like what does he think the cause was. He's fairly sure that it is attributed to the surgery he had when he as younger. He was a premie (5 weeks early) and one of his testicles didn't drop. They tried hormone treatments (which we didn't know about until last night when his mom told us on the phone...would have been nice to know....GRRR) and eventually at the age of 2 he had surgery to fix it and then he also had a hernia fixed as well.

The urologist is leaning towards the possibility of damage being done during that surgery. Basically the "tube was cut" as he put it. He won't know for sure...but he's leaning towards that as a strong possibiltiy. Which if that was the case....he can "try" and fix it but he was already talking about invitro. Mike told him that wasn't an option for us.....and he said that does make his job easier-because even if he does fix it-the chances of us getting pregnant are still quite slim. So in a way..I'm relieved-and I feel like we have some answers....but we won't know definitively until the appt. in September.

I was telling Lish yesterday-the reality of it all i setting in a bit more these days. I find myslef crying a bit more about it then I did before. I find myself thinking about our travels to the baby when he or she is born...and feeling very strongly about adopting from Asia. All of these emotions are so new to me. Instead of keeping them bottled up-we are learning to express them to each other...but we still take it a day at a time.