It was...I thought I could do it-and it wouldn't bother me at all...but I was wrong. I threw the shower on Sunday and I came home so sad. Mike could tell right away but he said he was proud of me for doing it. It was just so hard to see all of those women there-most are mom's already-and some are expecting...and me thinking-am I ever going to have this? I don't know! I don't know if I'll ever have a baby shower, if I'll ever be a mom-thats what I feel like today...like its never going to happen. In my heart-I love my baby so much already...but in my head I think...what baby!?!?! I don't have one-and I don't know if I ever willl.
I'ts just so hard these days. SOOOO HARD! It's gotten worse-I thought it was supposed to get better! I thought I would grieve and move on...now I'm grieving more than I thought I would and the thought of never having my own child is getting harder and harder to wrap my mind around. I just hate this feeling so much!
I ordered the book Hannah's Hope off of Half.com. I'm hoping it shows up today. I think it would do me some good to read a book on coping with IF rather than on adoption and the process and all that comes along with it...but I've never found a really good book. I had recommendations about this one-so here's to hoping.
There was one very good thing about yesterday...when I got home from the park with the pups there was a bouquet of flowers, a card and a yummy dessert that Megan ( I thres the shower for her on Sunday...and she knows about ALL of our IF issues)made for me and dropped off. It was the sweetest card and the most uplifting message I've heard in a long time. God truly blessed me with a friend like her!
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