How do I deal with it?

Thats what everyone keeps telling me. Just take time to deal with this and you'll know when you're ready to move on. Ok..thats a great thing to think of but how am I supposed to deal with it? I don't know how or what I'm supposed to do. I had a really good couple days...I was upbeat and positive and the idea of Adoption excited me. (Or at least I thought it did...maybe it was the idea that Adoption should excite me-excited me.) Now today-its like I've taken 20 steps back and I'm getting knocked down to the ground again. I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm bitter, and annoyed and I don't like it-but I don't know how to deal with it.

It doesn't help that some people aren't being as supportive as I thought they would be. Granted some have been really really great-and I thank God that those people are in my life, because its people like them that will give me the strength and support to get through this. It is others that make me feel like what we are going through is no big deal-and why can't you "just adopt." Well if it was a matter of "just adopting" don't you think everyone would do it? As Rachel said: "Allow them some dumb time." :) So thats what I'm going to do. Maybe if they see me again in a few weeks and me not being "over it" and ready to "just adopt" they will understand that there is a grieving process that needs to happen first. But I'm finding that I don't know how to grieve.

I mean-I know that the feelings of sadness and anger are normal, but I dont' know what to do with those feelings. I try and funnel them into prayer in hopes that I can just lift them up to Jesus and just tell Him to take away the pain, or give me peace to deal with the pain...but really can't there me an instruction manual or something?

So if anyone knows of a good book that I can read to understand the pshychological aspect of IF I would really appreciate any recommendations.

Until then....
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things rightif I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next.
Amen.

Medical Records...CHECK

I was thinking this morning about my appt with Dr. Z and realized that I forgot to call my old clinic to have all of my medical records sent over to the new place. So I called this morning and took care of that-hopefully he can get a good look at all of my previous testing before my appt-and who knows maybe it will be something very easily fixable that wasn't picked up on before....one can hope right???

On another note...I talked to "D" today. Hard to believe her due date is already THursday. She said she felt like it was going to be soon. Contractions started in the middle of the night and so has the nausea and vomiting. For her sake I hope its quick. I know she's nervous about it. But I'm going to be in the area on Friday-so I'm hoping I can see a baby while I'm there. Its going to be hard though I think. While I was talking to her I couldn't help but have a wave of envy sweep over me. I started to think about how there lives were going to change dramatically in the next few days. And how much anticipation they have to meet there little girl...and how badly I want that feeling. One day....one day I will have that feeling. Until then-I'll go on being happy for all the expectant moms in my life. It's not a hard job-but its one that has difficult moments. But I know they will be happy for me....so I can do nothing but the same for them.