I didn't cry this morning!!!

I cried last night-but I was able to get up this morning and not cry!!!! That's a pretty big accomplishment since I've cried more than not over the past few days. At least thats how I feel.

I'm angry and bitter, and hurting....all of which are normal I would imagine, but I still hate feeling like this. In time-I'm hoping and praying for peace and strength to get through this...for now-just taking it one day at a time.

Mike and I talked about the HD position. He doesn't want to do it. I'm a little frustrated about it-because I feel as if it its basically FREE money being handed to us! But he said he's got to much on his plate right now-and he can't devote the time needed for it. While I'm thinking-yes it would require time...but not nearly as much as he is expecting. But he said we need to think about what is emotionally best for us not just financially. While I'm trying to think about both. I'm doing a lot of prayign about it. I really really think its a good fit for us...so I'm just hoping that God leads us in the right direction. And if we're supposed to to it that Mike has a change of heart. The money would be unbelievable and I'd feel so guilty about just letting it slip away from us.

Mike actually asked me yesterday-if I knew now what I did when he asked me to marry him-would i have still said yes!!! I was floored!!! I cried and said OF COURSE!!! Why wouldn't I?!?!?! I love him more today than I did on our wedding day-and just because we can't have biological kids together doesn't mean that I love him any less!!! I was hurt that he would even ask me that...but I think its the guilt of it all thats getting to him and I have to let him deal with that guilt in his own way-but the question was still shocking.

He also said he was thinking of not coaching this year. That floored me as well. He LOVES coaching and he said without knowing what is going to happen in the next few months as far as tests go for him and any possible surgeries he just feels that he can't devote 100% to it.

So for anyone that reads this....please pray for us. We need strength and we need guidance and we need peace. This is by far the hardest thing we have EVER dealt with. Our marriage will be stronger because of it-but for n0w-we need all of the extra help we can get!