Alone...

I feel so alone these days. I don't mean alone in the fact that no one is with me-I feel emotionally alone. A little over a month ago when Mike and I got the devestating news about our inability to conceive a child on our own we were just that-devestated. We didn't tell a ton of people right away-but we did tell some within a week or so after. We told those that were closest to us...so mainly our family and a few of our VERY close friends.

Lately though it just seems like no one cares though. I mean-I don't expect the pity party-nor do I want it..but is it so hard for someone to ask-How are you guys doing? How are you holding up? Instead I hear about all the babies in there life-or in there tummy and how uncomfortable they are and how miserable the heat is on them. Then I hear about how awful it is they are due in the middle of winter and how they won't be able to leave the house. Or I hear about how there best friend or sister or neighbor-or who ever just had the most beautiful baby. Gee-thanks!! I needed to hear all of those things. Not that I want people to completely sensor there conversations around me-but when its a one on one conversation-how about steering away from the baby talk. How about not telling me how uncomfortable you feel when I would absolutlely give ANYTHING to feel the way you do!! I would love to feel uncomfortable if it meant being able to have a baby with my husband.

I feel like since its been about 6 weeks since we got the news people expect that we should be over it and have dealt with it-and just have just moved on. Ummm-no-not even close actually. We still cry at night when we think about not being parents "the old fashioned way." We still get sad and depressed when someone talks to us about there pregnancy, we still are upset when someone tells us they are pregnant while on the outside we are acting happy for them. IT SUCKS!! Someone actually told me-be thankful you don't have to go through the uncomfortableness of pregnancy. REALLY?? Be thankful!! How about you being thankful for that life growing inside you and being able to experience it. Cause really-I'd be a lot more thankful than you are acting right now.

Ugh...it's a day-a bad day-on the outside I appear fine-but on the inside I'm just being torn apart. My heart has been broken. And piece by piece I think one day it will get back together. But even after we adopt-I still think that we will long for the children we never had.