I'm crushed. I can't even lie. I'm looking at the pictures of my new niece and I'm having a really hard time being happy right now. I'm never going to have that. Never going to experience child birth, I'm never going to experience having a baby inside me, I'm never going to be able to call my family and tell them they are going to be granparents, aunts, uncles, cousins.....I'm never going to have that. Yesterday I was ok...but I hadn't seen pictures. Now-I saw the pictures of the hospital-and it broke my heart. Instead of feeling joy inside, my heart is breaking.
I'm so sad today....I'm envious-I can't even deny that. I never thought it was going to be this hard. I thought I would be ok when I found out the baby was born....but I'm dying inside. My heart is brekaing and I feel like I'm so incredibly alone....Mike is trying to be supportive, but he wants me to be happy for them-since it is there time....not ours. But it is so hard for me to be so happy when I'm so incredibly sad for us.
I feel like part of me has died....the part that always dreamed of becoming a mom-the "normal" way. I will never have that. NEVER. And I'm angry-I'm sad, I'm bitter....and I want to know what we did to deserve this?!!?!
The other part of me feels like people have forgotten about all we are going through. They talk about the baby and the birth like it doesn't effect me at all....like they have forgotten that we will never experience that. Or they feel like we are over it...and that we have moved on. No...we haven't moved on....we are still grieving, still mourning the realization of never having a biological child of our own....and we will be for a long time. But how do I explain that to people. We aren't the same people we were 6 months ago, or even the same people we were on July 19th....before we found out. We are still sad....just because we are smiling doesn't mean we aren't crying inside.
Ugh....Envy...please leave now....I really hate having you around...
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6 comments:
((HUGS))
I remember when my niece was born...I was suppose to be 8 months pg. I held her for 2 hours...then went into the bathroom in my SIL's room and cried for half an hour.
My sister told me to get over it. I wanted to slap her.
People don't get it. It takes time to grieve and you still won't forget.
((HUGS)) to you.
Michelle
I'm so sorry you feel this way, but know that your feelings are completely normal. I also had a difficult time) if that can even describe it) when I founf out my BIL knocked up a one night stand and decided to marry her. The family being so excited for them just about killed me. Really FEEL the sadness, it's the only way to come out on the other side. While you will still always long to experience a pregnancy, know that there is an end to this misery. Each day will get a little bit easier. The ache will always be there, but the pain will subside. (hugs)
I feel your pain. My nephew (from my baby brother and his "girlfriend") is due next month and I was really hoping that the baby being born would heal my heart...but I have a feeling I will be experiencing the same feelings you are. It hurts when our "invisible" hurt gets forgotten so easily for other peoples joy. I just started following your journey, but look forward to seeing how you conquer this envy/hurt. Good luck! (((hugs)))
You may not experience the same exact things your sister is going through now with childbirth, etc., BUT...you will be a mom someday. And I hope it happens very soon for you.
When we were still doing IVF back in '03, we had a niece (dh's sister's baby) and a nephew (my brother's baby) born a day apart! I really thought the universe was being cruel to me. And I do remember feeling that our families kind of forgot what we were going through too.
It doesn't stop hurting. It's been over 4 years since we decided to stop treatment and our arms are still empty. I know this doesn't help much, but I'm going to write it anyway, because I believe it's true...your time will come and you WILL be a mom. ((HUGS)) to you.
I think your being awfully hard on yourself. Your feelings are totally normal. I found that the first 2 years I was able to feel joy for others, but as time passed it became much more difficult. Now I just struggle not to become a "bitter infertile".
I'm totally dreading the birth of our niece/nephew. I don't feel happy for them. I don't feel excited. I am just jealous and bitter. It doesn't help the baby is supposed to arrive around Christmas. For this reason I'm praying that my IVF treatment coincides with the holiday so we can't fly to visit them. I just don't think I'll be able to bear spending my entire Christmas ooing and ahhing over their new baby.
Just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.
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