2 posts in one day...I know you guys are about falling off your chairs...but I need to vent and get a few things out...and I just need to be reassured that I'm normal...and if I'm NOT NORMAL...than please just tell me so I can figure out-how to become "normal" (What is that really) in the next few weeks.
I'm going to be a mom....in just a few weeks-if all goes as planned...which my heart and mind believe it will-but let's be real-many things could change....regardless mommyhood is around the corner. I'm petrified. I was thinking early about when we leave the hospital....after baby is born...The vision...of "here you go!" here's your kid...be on your way came into my mind. And then...I thought "NOW WHAT?!!" Now what do we do? How do we know when he's hungry, hurting, happy, content, sick.....I'd like to think I have a ton of maternal instincts-but with my own child are they really going to come out? Am I going to have any clue how to take care of this child?
Than of course the emotional side of things comes out-and I think-can I emotionally handle this child?? I mean-I'm emotionally stable....but this is going to be a HUGE life change for us...a PERMANENT LIFE CHANGE!!! Are we ready?
Financially?!?! Can we afford this child? We're not destitute...don't get me wrong...but let's face it-kids cost money!!! And while I will give him everything in my power plus more....I'm worried...I would be lying if I said I wasn't.
So please tell me this fear is normal. I feel like the Devil is totally working on my heart to lack peace of mind...and I hate it....but I also want to know....are these fears/worries normal???
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
What is that you say...A Due Date?!?!?!
Holy Wow!!! A DUE DATE!!! FINALLY AN ACTUAL DUE DATE!!!! Now anyone who knows babies knows that baby is going to come when baby wants to come. However, up until this point we had no idea exactly how far along BMwas. When we had first been matched we were told she was about 27-28 weeks-which put an EDD date of Nov. 10th. When she had her Ultrasound-they said she was more like 24-25 weeks-and due Dec. 2nd. Now to the average person-3 weeks isn't a big deal...but when you are trying to plan the trip of a LIFETIME 3 weeks is a very big deal.
Last week "E" got word that all of her insurance stuff was taken care of and she was able to get back into her clinic of choice and see the doctor she wanted to see as well as deliver at the Hospital she wants...PRAISE GOD!! So she went back in yesterday-got another ultrasound...and the tech confirmed....DUE DATE DECEMBER 2ND!!!!!! PRAISE THE LORD!! Again-baby is going to come when baby wants to come....But-with "E's" other kids she has delivered with-in 2-3 days of her due date-plus or minus. So knowing this-helps a ton.
Today happens to be "E's" birthday. I'm going to talk to her this afternoon. I mailed a package for her last week-had a few things for her in there as well as her other kids. I also put a disposable camera in there. She said she would take all of the pictures and mail the camera back...so that I could have those pictures to show Baby when he gets older. I want him to be able to see what his BM looks like, what she looked like while pregnant with him and what his siblings look like. She seemed very happy to take the pictures and she was thankful that we were going to show them to him.
So...this puts "E" at right around 35 weeks. As a girlfriend of mine said yesterday when I told her the due date...."MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU!!" She couldn't be more right. This will truly be the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!!
Last week "E" got word that all of her insurance stuff was taken care of and she was able to get back into her clinic of choice and see the doctor she wanted to see as well as deliver at the Hospital she wants...PRAISE GOD!! So she went back in yesterday-got another ultrasound...and the tech confirmed....DUE DATE DECEMBER 2ND!!!!!! PRAISE THE LORD!! Again-baby is going to come when baby wants to come....But-with "E's" other kids she has delivered with-in 2-3 days of her due date-plus or minus. So knowing this-helps a ton.
Today happens to be "E's" birthday. I'm going to talk to her this afternoon. I mailed a package for her last week-had a few things for her in there as well as her other kids. I also put a disposable camera in there. She said she would take all of the pictures and mail the camera back...so that I could have those pictures to show Baby when he gets older. I want him to be able to see what his BM looks like, what she looked like while pregnant with him and what his siblings look like. She seemed very happy to take the pictures and she was thankful that we were going to show them to him.
So...this puts "E" at right around 35 weeks. As a girlfriend of mine said yesterday when I told her the due date...."MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU!!" She couldn't be more right. This will truly be the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Breakdown....
The last few weeks have been nothing short of insanely busy-but at the same time insanely boring on the adoption home front.
We are still waiting for an exact due date! I know-crazy isn't it. I at one point but myself into a panic mode and wondered-are we getting scammed? Is this agency for real? Are they just telling us the problem is medicaid and in reality they aren't even trying? Is "E" going to change her mind? It has been emotionally breaking to say the least-and last night-I lost it. I just fell apart and cried in mike's arms...cried and cried and cried myself to sleep. Why does this whole process have to be so difficult? Why is it that something so great has to cause "E" so much pain? Why is it that medicaid can't get their stuff together and get this poor girl into the clinic where she belongs during the 3rd trimester!?!!? AM I ASKING TO MUCH!?!?! I eventually called our social worker here last week and just told her that I was beginning to have doubts and that I think something is going on that she needs to check into it. And she did-right away. She called the agency-not letting them know that I had called voicing concerns-but to get an update on the situation so that she could put it in our file. (yea-I'm sure the social worker at the agency saw right through that one-but I didn't even care!)
Our social worker emailed me the next day calming my fears and making me feel better about the situation. She told me that she honestly feels they are doing what they can-they just weren't as proactive about things from the beginning-therefore dragging this process along a lot longer than it should be. All the while-stressing "E" out about not getting to the dr. and not knowing when baby is coming.
Of course the financial strain of this whole process is a burden as well. It's hard to comprehend the fact that we have to pay so much to adopt-and we have accepted it and are trying to move on...but the realization I think is harder on me than mike because I pay the bills and balance the checkbook every month. I know we will be fine...but I just hate the whole concept of it! But I understand....
Than of course there is the nursery-not even close to finished yet-but that is a story for another day...as of right now...the door is closed-with a stockpile of goodies that have yet to be unpacked, washed-or even put away.
Throw work in, my photography (which I have to admit-is going amazingly well-and I'm blessed beyond comprehension that God has given me this amazing talent), Mike being sick (H1N1 ...NOT FUN-JUST LETTING EVERYONE KNOW!!), trying to book travel plans....trying to start thinking about packing for baby for the trip....SO MUCH!!!!
I should add that some very dear friends threw me a baby shower on Saturday. It was so much fun! And we got some amazing things. We are so blessed to have such wonderful family and friends in our lives!
I'm trying so hard to offer it up to God....and I pray so hard everyday for peace, strength and wisdom.....I know God will provide for our needs-it's just the process is so stressful.
We are still waiting for an exact due date! I know-crazy isn't it. I at one point but myself into a panic mode and wondered-are we getting scammed? Is this agency for real? Are they just telling us the problem is medicaid and in reality they aren't even trying? Is "E" going to change her mind? It has been emotionally breaking to say the least-and last night-I lost it. I just fell apart and cried in mike's arms...cried and cried and cried myself to sleep. Why does this whole process have to be so difficult? Why is it that something so great has to cause "E" so much pain? Why is it that medicaid can't get their stuff together and get this poor girl into the clinic where she belongs during the 3rd trimester!?!!? AM I ASKING TO MUCH!?!?! I eventually called our social worker here last week and just told her that I was beginning to have doubts and that I think something is going on that she needs to check into it. And she did-right away. She called the agency-not letting them know that I had called voicing concerns-but to get an update on the situation so that she could put it in our file. (yea-I'm sure the social worker at the agency saw right through that one-but I didn't even care!)
Our social worker emailed me the next day calming my fears and making me feel better about the situation. She told me that she honestly feels they are doing what they can-they just weren't as proactive about things from the beginning-therefore dragging this process along a lot longer than it should be. All the while-stressing "E" out about not getting to the dr. and not knowing when baby is coming.
Of course the financial strain of this whole process is a burden as well. It's hard to comprehend the fact that we have to pay so much to adopt-and we have accepted it and are trying to move on...but the realization I think is harder on me than mike because I pay the bills and balance the checkbook every month. I know we will be fine...but I just hate the whole concept of it! But I understand....
Than of course there is the nursery-not even close to finished yet-but that is a story for another day...as of right now...the door is closed-with a stockpile of goodies that have yet to be unpacked, washed-or even put away.
Throw work in, my photography (which I have to admit-is going amazingly well-and I'm blessed beyond comprehension that God has given me this amazing talent), Mike being sick (H1N1 ...NOT FUN-JUST LETTING EVERYONE KNOW!!), trying to book travel plans....trying to start thinking about packing for baby for the trip....SO MUCH!!!!
I should add that some very dear friends threw me a baby shower on Saturday. It was so much fun! And we got some amazing things. We are so blessed to have such wonderful family and friends in our lives!
I'm trying so hard to offer it up to God....and I pray so hard everyday for peace, strength and wisdom.....I know God will provide for our needs-it's just the process is so stressful.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Disconnected...
Disconnected...
That's how I feel the past week or 2 disconnected. From what? Everything. It seems so crazy and unbelievable to me that my life is going to change drastically in the next few months. And not in a small way-in such a HUGE way I will probably forget what its like to not have a little one. (At least thats what I'm told.)
I was watching the news this morning and they interviewed a couple that had their embryo's implanted into another couple. (Horrible horrific story-for all involved.) When the biological mother was talking about how she felt-she said disconnected. And it clicked with me-that's exactly how I feel about this whole situation. As a mother (which I think I kind of am at this point) you want what's best for your child. And as much as I love my little boy already, I feel so disconnected from him. And I hate it. I don't know if I would feel differently if I were closer to BM, and could talk with her more, and if I could feel her tummy and him kicking, and know how she was feeling. Or if I could go with her to her dr. appt's to hear his hertbeat and to see the milestones that he reaches every week. I don't know what would make it better-but I hate feeling like this. I know how I would take care of myself if I were pregnant. Is she doing the same things I am? (There are a few things-I know she's doing differently-but she could be doing MUCH worse-so I try not to dwell on it to much.)
I think another reason-I feel like this is because we have YET to get a definite due date. Her medicaid situation has not been taken care of yet-so because of that-no dr. will see her. ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS!!! Some clerical error is not her fault-and she is getting very frustrated and annoyed by the fact that she hasn't had her 2nd ultrasound to get a definite due date. So when we talk about going to get baby we get frustrated because we don't know when it is going to be. Is it November 10th, or December 2nd. Granted baby is going to come when baby is going to come-but BM has delivered within 3 days of her due date with her other pregnancies-so I'd like to think that we have an OK chance of making it for the delivery if we have a better idea of when that is going to be. So right now our BM is somewhere between 29 and 34 weeks pregnant....how's that for UP IN THE AIR!!
Please don't misunderstand the feeling of disconnected and not loving our little one. Because I do love him. SO MUCH. And I know that no matter how much I can say that now-the amount of love I'm going to have for him in a few months or weeks when he gets here is more than I can ever imagine. But I'm being honest in my feelings today...something that I need to do....after all its all part of this journey.
That's how I feel the past week or 2 disconnected. From what? Everything. It seems so crazy and unbelievable to me that my life is going to change drastically in the next few months. And not in a small way-in such a HUGE way I will probably forget what its like to not have a little one. (At least thats what I'm told.)
I was watching the news this morning and they interviewed a couple that had their embryo's implanted into another couple. (Horrible horrific story-for all involved.) When the biological mother was talking about how she felt-she said disconnected. And it clicked with me-that's exactly how I feel about this whole situation. As a mother (which I think I kind of am at this point) you want what's best for your child. And as much as I love my little boy already, I feel so disconnected from him. And I hate it. I don't know if I would feel differently if I were closer to BM, and could talk with her more, and if I could feel her tummy and him kicking, and know how she was feeling. Or if I could go with her to her dr. appt's to hear his hertbeat and to see the milestones that he reaches every week. I don't know what would make it better-but I hate feeling like this. I know how I would take care of myself if I were pregnant. Is she doing the same things I am? (There are a few things-I know she's doing differently-but she could be doing MUCH worse-so I try not to dwell on it to much.)
I think another reason-I feel like this is because we have YET to get a definite due date. Her medicaid situation has not been taken care of yet-so because of that-no dr. will see her. ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS!!! Some clerical error is not her fault-and she is getting very frustrated and annoyed by the fact that she hasn't had her 2nd ultrasound to get a definite due date. So when we talk about going to get baby we get frustrated because we don't know when it is going to be. Is it November 10th, or December 2nd. Granted baby is going to come when baby is going to come-but BM has delivered within 3 days of her due date with her other pregnancies-so I'd like to think that we have an OK chance of making it for the delivery if we have a better idea of when that is going to be. So right now our BM is somewhere between 29 and 34 weeks pregnant....how's that for UP IN THE AIR!!
Please don't misunderstand the feeling of disconnected and not loving our little one. Because I do love him. SO MUCH. And I know that no matter how much I can say that now-the amount of love I'm going to have for him in a few months or weeks when he gets here is more than I can ever imagine. But I'm being honest in my feelings today...something that I need to do....after all its all part of this journey.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Sometimes Reality Hits...
And the realization that I'm going to be a mom just overwhelms me to a point of tears. Good tears that is. I feel like we've waited so long for this little boy. And the excitement of expecting him is overwhelming at times.
We talked to our EMom last week...and again-I have to say she is absolutely AMAZING!!! I Love her so much! When I tried to explain to her how grateful we are at the gift she is giving us, she in turn said thank you for giving her the gift of a wonderful home for her little boy. SEE-AMAZING!!! She asked me again if I was going to be in the delivery room with her. Of course I said I was going to and that we are going to do everything in our power to get there in enough time to be there for the delivery. I'm hoping we can fly down a few days before her due date if her dr. thinks she will make it that far. I want to be there for her every second that I can and supporting her in every way that I can. She is so unbelievable that I really can't put into words how great she is.
Her due date has been moved as of now to December 2nd. Which puts her at 28 weeks. WHAT AN AMAZING CHRISTMAS GIFT!!! BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!!!! I'm so excited to have a little one to share Christmas with and I can't wait to give Mike a Christmas present from his SON!!! (Whom he is affectionately calling Baby Tiger and Baby Ro).
So instead of reposting baby Ro's development milestones-which I already did 2 posts ago...(please see below) I'm going to leave you with a few pictures of our little man....we got his U/S pictures in the mail on Saturday...and I have to say-I'm truly in Love!
Thursday, August 27, 2009
If you guessed GIRL you are....
WRONG!!!
IT'S A BOY!!!!
"Baby Ro" has he is now called, is definitely a BOY! We got the call yesterday from our social worker. Unforutnatley BM couldn't talk to us yesterday, but we are hoping to talk with her today or tomorrow. But she told the social worker that she could go ahead and tell us. We are THRILLED!! Obviosuly we would be thrilled with either, but hearing the words its a boy makes it so much more definite and real! CRAZINESS!!! I'm going to be a MOM to a little BOY in just a few months!!!
All looked great in the ultrasound. Mom and baby look healthy-of course thats all we want! The only thing that is still up in the air is the due date. Due date may have now changed to the beginning of December vs. November 10th. Baby is measuring fine, but BM guessed on last MP, so she was a few weeks off. In reality we are bummed that we could potentially be waiting another few weeks to meet Baby Ro, but we are ok with having a few extra weeks to prepare...and baby will be here just in time for the Holidays! I can't think of a better present!
We are over the moon ecstatic!! This is the first grand baby on Mike's side and the first boy grandson on my side.
SO EXCITED!!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
WEEK 29!!
Once again I'm in awe that baby will be here in around 11 weeks!! WHOA!!! Here is what baby is doing now:
WEEK 29:
How your baby's growing:Your baby now weighs about 2 1/2 pounds (like a butternut squash) and is a tad over 15 inches long from head to heel. His muscles and lungs are continuing to mature, and his head is growing bigger to make room for his developing brain. To meet his increasing nutritional demands, you'll need plenty of protein, vitamins C, folic acid, and iron. And because his bones are soaking up lots of calcium, be sure to drink your milk (or find another good source of calcium, such as cheese, yogurt, or enriched orange juice). This trimester, about 250 milligrams of calcium are deposited in your baby's hardening skeleton each day.
In Other exciting news-we get to talk to "E" again TOMORROW!! I'm so excited!! Now that my emotions are more under control I think I will be able to talk to her without crying-or actually sobbing!! I'm so excited to get to know her better and find out more about her so I can pass things on to Baby R. She had a dr. appt yesterday so I'm excited to hear all about that-and she also had her sonogram!! She wants to tell us what baby is so our social worker told her that she would wait and let her tell us tomorrow over the phone.
So Tomorrow is it!!! Please Vote along the side of the blog for your guess!!! :)
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