My Heart Aches Today

It hurts so badly. For so many reasons. I'm mourning a child I will never have. I'm angry, frustrated, bitter, sad, confused and I'm asking the question why? Why us? No one should have to go through this pain, but at the same time I wonder why God chose us to go through it.

It hurts for Mike and I and our relationship. It is strained. It is being pulled to the max it feels like. We are fine one minute and the next I just feel as though he is annoyed and frustrated with me. And I know he doesn't mean to be that way, it is just his way of dealing with things, but it hurts when I feel like there is nothing I can do to console him but I want consoling as well. I'm hoping that he may start to open up to 1 of our very good friends over the next few days. They are some of our best friends and we love them dearly and I told them yesterday about everything. It is just a few days after they had there first beautiful baby. And she cried and cried. She now knows all that I will be missing out on, and she had no words to console me. Her husband and Mike are quite close as well, and I know Mike could really really use a good friend these days. Someone to talk to and lean on. Someone with strong Christian beliefs that will try and make him understand (although neither of us ever will) that God has his reasons and his plans for us. Someone besides his typical guy friends who will just make jokes about it as his heart is breaking. I feel so badly for him. I just wish that I could make him feel better. But there isn't. I can't buy him anything, take him anywhere, or give him anything that will make him realize that I love him with all of my heart and soul and that nothing that happens will ever change that. Nothing I can do or give or say will take away the pain he is feeling. All I can do is pray for peace.

Mike has another dr. appt today. For some reason I'm not feeling very hopeful. I want to feel hopeful, but I'm scared. I'm scared to have it all taken away in a matter of seconds. Yesterday I felt as though all I could do was hang on to that thread of hope. Today-I feel as though its already gone and there is nothing left.

"Lord Give Me Strength..."