Rough Night

I was doing so well yesterday...and then it was time to go to the store, pick up a baby gift and head to the hospital. I am so absolutely thrilled for M & P. But on the inside my heart was breaking. I almost didn't even hold her when we got there. Mike did and he asked if I wanted to and at first I just said no....and then after about 15 minutes he asked me again, and I took her. I couldn't help but notice how beautiful she was. So perfect. And then I remembered....I'm never going to have this. I'm never going to be in the hospital enjoying the company of all of our visitors coming to see my baby. I'm never going to make that phone call announcing the birth, I'm not going to be able to watch my husband cut the cord. I'm so devestated.

Talk about a roller coaster of emotions for me. Yesterday all day I was fine. I thought about it, ALOT, but emotionally I was holding up ok. Then last night I went down hill. Once we left the room I cried walking to the elevator. Mike just hugged me. He knows how hard this is for me, and I know he's going through the same thing-but really I wonder how are we going to move on from this? It seems so impossible right now.

A few days ago I had NO hope that they would find any sperm. But now, thats all I can do is hang on to is hope. I HOPE and PRAY that tomorrow we have some answers and they say-"I think there is a chance." I will hold on to that chance until we here-there is nothing.

Ugh...I hope today is better than yesterday....