A year to be thankful for...

It's been a month since my last post. Mainly because my life has turned upside trying to get prepared for baby. My photography business has taken off and I've been busy shooting weddings, and family shoots for the holidays. I'm very blessed God has given me the talent. I love doing it and eventually it will be my only job. So...all that aside....today is Thanksgiving day..and of all the days in the year-today is a day that I look back and reflect on what a year it has been. I have so many things to be thankful for this year. My list would be endless, but I will say that I am most grateful for: God, my husband, our birthmother, families, friends, and of course my little furry family. God has blessed us beyond words this year, and I have more to be grateful than I could ever imagine!

Mike and I are leaving in 2 days for a trip of a lifetime. A trip to meet our son. This journey has been nothing short of amazing. However, along with amazing it has been stressful, frustrating, exciting, sad, and scary.

When we started on this journey back in April when we turned in our initial application we went along with the theory they told us. The homestudy will take 8-12 weeks to completely finish (meaning written and approved by our social worker) and than we would begin our waiting period. Average waiting time with the agency is 6-9 months before there initial matach and than however long it is until the birthmom is due. (Typically birthmom's come in sometime towards the middle/end of 2nd trimester.) So-in all-she said plan on waiting about a year. PERFECT! That would be great for us because that would put us into march-through june of next year. Mike would be on summer vacation and work for me is pretty quiet. You know the saying..."If you want to make God laugh tell him your plans." God had an entirely different plan for us. On, Monday, August 3rd we got our homestudy in the mail-read it signed it and dropped it in the mail.

Monday afternoon our social workers calls us with a situation. We ultimately said no to this situation for many reasons. There were a lot of medical issues that we weren't comfortable with, and baby was due a week later. The hardest part of it was saying no-and wondering if anyone would say yes. I hope and pray that baby has found his forever home.

On Tuesday we got another phonecall from our social worker regarding another potential situation. We were asked if we wanted our profile shown, and we said we just need to think about it and pray about it. Ultimately we said yes-after thinking about it for about 12 hours....we both said if this is God's plan than it will be, but if not we are ok with that. On Thursday we got the call we had been matched. Waiting of just 3 days...AMAZING.

As I sit here this thanksgiving morning I think a lot about our birthmother. My heart truly breaks for her in so many ways. I hurt for her because as much as I already love this little boy she loves him so much-and yet she is giving him to me. And than again-as much as I love him, if she said she couldn't give him up, as sad as I would be, I don't know if I could be mad at her because that baby is hers first, and she loves him so much!

I talk with our Birthmom every few days. She's so wonderful. Always sweet and polite, always asking how we are doing. I can't wait to meet her in a few days and just give her a big hug and as much as I won't want to-I'll probably start crying right in front of her. There has been so many emotions running through me the past few days and weeks. I cry so easily and when I listen to the radio and hear certain songs I just cry. They are tears of joy and excitement and sadness for her. I was telling a friend of mine the other day-that as excited as I am for us, my heart just breaks, and its hard to have so many emotions and try and sort them all out-because I can't.

This holiday season is extra special for us. We have so much to be thankful for! I hope and pray that all of you have a happy and blessed thanksgiving as well. Give thanks for all of those you love, and for those of you who have adopted, don't forget to say an extra special prayer of thanks for our birth families.

So with all of that said keep watch for updates on Baby Ro....I've been told our lives are just beginning.....if thats the case-its going to be one heck of a ride!

Please tell me I'm normal.....Please....

2 posts in one day...I know you guys are about falling off your chairs...but I need to vent and get a few things out...and I just need to be reassured that I'm normal...and if I'm NOT NORMAL...than please just tell me so I can figure out-how to become "normal" (What is that really) in the next few weeks.

I'm going to be a mom....in just a few weeks-if all goes as planned...which my heart and mind believe it will-but let's be real-many things could change....regardless mommyhood is around the corner. I'm petrified. I was thinking early about when we leave the hospital....after baby is born...The vision...of "here you go!" here's your kid...be on your way came into my mind. And then...I thought "NOW WHAT?!!" Now what do we do? How do we know when he's hungry, hurting, happy, content, sick.....I'd like to think I have a ton of maternal instincts-but with my own child are they really going to come out? Am I going to have any clue how to take care of this child?

Than of course the emotional side of things comes out-and I think-can I emotionally handle this child?? I mean-I'm emotionally stable....but this is going to be a HUGE life change for us...a PERMANENT LIFE CHANGE!!! Are we ready?

Financially?!?! Can we afford this child? We're not destitute...don't get me wrong...but let's face it-kids cost money!!! And while I will give him everything in my power plus more....I'm worried...I would be lying if I said I wasn't.

So please tell me this fear is normal. I feel like the Devil is totally working on my heart to lack peace of mind...and I hate it....but I also want to know....are these fears/worries normal???

What is that you say...A Due Date?!?!?!

Holy Wow!!! A DUE DATE!!! FINALLY AN ACTUAL DUE DATE!!!! Now anyone who knows babies knows that baby is going to come when baby wants to come. However, up until this point we had no idea exactly how far along BMwas. When we had first been matched we were told she was about 27-28 weeks-which put an EDD date of Nov. 10th. When she had her Ultrasound-they said she was more like 24-25 weeks-and due Dec. 2nd. Now to the average person-3 weeks isn't a big deal...but when you are trying to plan the trip of a LIFETIME 3 weeks is a very big deal.

Last week "E" got word that all of her insurance stuff was taken care of and she was able to get back into her clinic of choice and see the doctor she wanted to see as well as deliver at the Hospital she wants...PRAISE GOD!! So she went back in yesterday-got another ultrasound...and the tech confirmed....DUE DATE DECEMBER 2ND!!!!!! PRAISE THE LORD!! Again-baby is going to come when baby wants to come....But-with "E's" other kids she has delivered with-in 2-3 days of her due date-plus or minus. So knowing this-helps a ton.

Today happens to be "E's" birthday. I'm going to talk to her this afternoon. I mailed a package for her last week-had a few things for her in there as well as her other kids. I also put a disposable camera in there. She said she would take all of the pictures and mail the camera back...so that I could have those pictures to show Baby when he gets older. I want him to be able to see what his BM looks like, what she looked like while pregnant with him and what his siblings look like. She seemed very happy to take the pictures and she was thankful that we were going to show them to him.

So...this puts "E" at right around 35 weeks. As a girlfriend of mine said yesterday when I told her the due date...."MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU!!" She couldn't be more right. This will truly be the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!!

Breakdown....

The last few weeks have been nothing short of insanely busy-but at the same time insanely boring on the adoption home front.

We are still waiting for an exact due date! I know-crazy isn't it. I at one point but myself into a panic mode and wondered-are we getting scammed? Is this agency for real? Are they just telling us the problem is medicaid and in reality they aren't even trying? Is "E" going to change her mind? It has been emotionally breaking to say the least-and last night-I lost it. I just fell apart and cried in mike's arms...cried and cried and cried myself to sleep. Why does this whole process have to be so difficult? Why is it that something so great has to cause "E" so much pain? Why is it that medicaid can't get their stuff together and get this poor girl into the clinic where she belongs during the 3rd trimester!?!!? AM I ASKING TO MUCH!?!?! I eventually called our social worker here last week and just told her that I was beginning to have doubts and that I think something is going on that she needs to check into it. And she did-right away. She called the agency-not letting them know that I had called voicing concerns-but to get an update on the situation so that she could put it in our file. (yea-I'm sure the social worker at the agency saw right through that one-but I didn't even care!)

Our social worker emailed me the next day calming my fears and making me feel better about the situation. She told me that she honestly feels they are doing what they can-they just weren't as proactive about things from the beginning-therefore dragging this process along a lot longer than it should be. All the while-stressing "E" out about not getting to the dr. and not knowing when baby is coming.

Of course the financial strain of this whole process is a burden as well. It's hard to comprehend the fact that we have to pay so much to adopt-and we have accepted it and are trying to move on...but the realization I think is harder on me than mike because I pay the bills and balance the checkbook every month. I know we will be fine...but I just hate the whole concept of it! But I understand....

Than of course there is the nursery-not even close to finished yet-but that is a story for another day...as of right now...the door is closed-with a stockpile of goodies that have yet to be unpacked, washed-or even put away.

Throw work in, my photography (which I have to admit-is going amazingly well-and I'm blessed beyond comprehension that God has given me this amazing talent), Mike being sick (H1N1 ...NOT FUN-JUST LETTING EVERYONE KNOW!!), trying to book travel plans....trying to start thinking about packing for baby for the trip....SO MUCH!!!!

I should add that some very dear friends threw me a baby shower on Saturday. It was so much fun! And we got some amazing things. We are so blessed to have such wonderful family and friends in our lives!

I'm trying so hard to offer it up to God....and I pray so hard everyday for peace, strength and wisdom.....I know God will provide for our needs-it's just the process is so stressful.

Disconnected...

Disconnected...

That's how I feel the past week or 2 disconnected. From what? Everything. It seems so crazy and unbelievable to me that my life is going to change drastically in the next few months. And not in a small way-in such a HUGE way I will probably forget what its like to not have a little one. (At least thats what I'm told.)

I was watching the news this morning and they interviewed a couple that had their embryo's implanted into another couple. (Horrible horrific story-for all involved.) When the biological mother was talking about how she felt-she said disconnected. And it clicked with me-that's exactly how I feel about this whole situation. As a mother (which I think I kind of am at this point) you want what's best for your child. And as much as I love my little boy already, I feel so disconnected from him. And I hate it. I don't know if I would feel differently if I were closer to BM, and could talk with her more, and if I could feel her tummy and him kicking, and know how she was feeling. Or if I could go with her to her dr. appt's to hear his hertbeat and to see the milestones that he reaches every week. I don't know what would make it better-but I hate feeling like this. I know how I would take care of myself if I were pregnant. Is she doing the same things I am? (There are a few things-I know she's doing differently-but she could be doing MUCH worse-so I try not to dwell on it to much.)

I think another reason-I feel like this is because we have YET to get a definite due date. Her medicaid situation has not been taken care of yet-so because of that-no dr. will see her. ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS!!! Some clerical error is not her fault-and she is getting very frustrated and annoyed by the fact that she hasn't had her 2nd ultrasound to get a definite due date. So when we talk about going to get baby we get frustrated because we don't know when it is going to be. Is it November 10th, or December 2nd. Granted baby is going to come when baby is going to come-but BM has delivered within 3 days of her due date with her other pregnancies-so I'd like to think that we have an OK chance of making it for the delivery if we have a better idea of when that is going to be. So right now our BM is somewhere between 29 and 34 weeks pregnant....how's that for UP IN THE AIR!!

Please don't misunderstand the feeling of disconnected and not loving our little one. Because I do love him. SO MUCH. And I know that no matter how much I can say that now-the amount of love I'm going to have for him in a few months or weeks when he gets here is more than I can ever imagine. But I'm being honest in my feelings today...something that I need to do....after all its all part of this journey.

Sometimes Reality Hits...

And the realization that I'm going to be a mom just overwhelms me to a point of tears. Good tears that is. I feel like we've waited so long for this little boy. And the excitement of expecting him is overwhelming at times.

We talked to our EMom last week...and again-I have to say she is absolutely AMAZING!!! I Love her so much! When I tried to explain to her how grateful we are at the gift she is giving us, she in turn said thank you for giving her the gift of a wonderful home for her little boy. SEE-AMAZING!!! She asked me again if I was going to be in the delivery room with her. Of course I said I was going to and that we are going to do everything in our power to get there in enough time to be there for the delivery. I'm hoping we can fly down a few days before her due date if her dr. thinks she will make it that far. I want to be there for her every second that I can and supporting her in every way that I can. She is so unbelievable that I really can't put into words how great she is.

Her due date has been moved as of now to December 2nd. Which puts her at 28 weeks. WHAT AN AMAZING CHRISTMAS GIFT!!! BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!!!! I'm so excited to have a little one to share Christmas with and I can't wait to give Mike a Christmas present from his SON!!! (Whom he is affectionately calling Baby Tiger and Baby Ro).

So instead of reposting baby Ro's development milestones-which I already did 2 posts ago...(please see below) I'm going to leave you with a few pictures of our little man....we got his U/S pictures in the mail on Saturday...and I have to say-I'm truly in Love!

If you guessed GIRL you are....

WRONG!!!

IT'S A BOY!!!!

"Baby Ro" has he is now called, is definitely a BOY! We got the call yesterday from our social worker. Unforutnatley BM couldn't talk to us yesterday, but we are hoping to talk with her today or tomorrow. But she told the social worker that she could go ahead and tell us. We are THRILLED!! Obviosuly we would be thrilled with either, but hearing the words its a boy makes it so much more definite and real! CRAZINESS!!! I'm going to be a MOM to a little BOY in just a few months!!!

All looked great in the ultrasound. Mom and baby look healthy-of course thats all we want! The only thing that is still up in the air is the due date. Due date may have now changed to the beginning of December vs. November 10th. Baby is measuring fine, but BM guessed on last MP, so she was a few weeks off. In reality we are bummed that we could potentially be waiting another few weeks to meet Baby Ro, but we are ok with having a few extra weeks to prepare...and baby will be here just in time for the Holidays! I can't think of a better present!

We are over the moon ecstatic!! This is the first grand baby on Mike's side and the first boy grandson on my side.

SO EXCITED!!

WEEK 29!!

Once again I'm in awe that baby will be here in around 11 weeks!! WHOA!!! Here is what baby is doing now:

WEEK 29:

How your baby's growing:Your baby now weighs about 2 1/2 pounds (like a butternut squash) and is a tad over 15 inches long from head to heel. His muscles and lungs are continuing to mature, and his head is growing bigger to make room for his developing brain. To meet his increasing nutritional demands, you'll need plenty of protein, vitamins C, folic acid, and iron. And because his bones are soaking up lots of calcium, be sure to drink your milk (or find another good source of calcium, such as cheese, yogurt, or enriched orange juice). This trimester, about 250 milligrams of calcium are deposited in your baby's hardening skeleton each day.

In Other exciting news-we get to talk to "E" again TOMORROW!! I'm so excited!! Now that my emotions are more under control I think I will be able to talk to her without crying-or actually sobbing!! I'm so excited to get to know her better and find out more about her so I can pass things on to Baby R. She had a dr. appt yesterday so I'm excited to hear all about that-and she also had her sonogram!! She wants to tell us what baby is so our social worker told her that she would wait and let her tell us tomorrow over the phone.

So Tomorrow is it!!! Please Vote along the side of the blog for your guess!!! :)

Week 28

By this week, your baby weighs two and a quarter pounds (like a Chinese cabbage) and measures 14.8 inches from the top of her head to her heels. She can blink her eyes, which now sport lashes. With her eyesight developing, she may be able to see the light that filters in through your womb. She's also developing billions of neurons in her brain and adding more body fat in preparation for life in the outside world.

WHOA! TIME FLIES!!

Life would be SO MUCH EASIER...IF

I remembered that I'm NOT in control-but GOD is!!! Seriously! Why don't I remember that-instead I just stress over things and worry about things that I have NO CONTROL OVER!!!

If there has been one thing I have realized more than ever before it is how incredibly blessed Mike and I are. I mean so INCREDIBLY BLESSED!!! We have the most amazing family and friends and we are continuously amazed at God's great works.

So let me start this part of the post with an update on Baby and our BM. BM is 27 weeks along...wow!!! SEEMS SO CRAZY! She has a dr. appt next week after that she will schedule her sonogram-and from there we will find out if Baby R is a boy or girl!! SO EXCITING!!! :)

Baby R is about the size of a head of cauliflower.

This week, your baby weighs almost 2 pounds and is about 14 1/2 inches long with her legs extended. She's sleeping and waking at regular intervals, opening and closing her eyes, and perhaps even sucking her fingers. With more brain tissue developing, your baby's brain is very active now. While her lungs are still immature, they would be capable of functioning — with a lot of medical help — if she were to be born now. Chalk up any tiny rhythmic movements you may be feeling to a case of baby hiccups, which may be common from now on. Each episode usually lasts only a few moments, and they don't bother her, so just relax and enjoy the tickle.

Now on to the miraculous works of GOD...who I owe so much to!!! When we got the call about Baby R we knew all about the costs that we were going to incur. We were fine with it and we had budgeted for that amount. I think over the weekend though it just hit me at how much money this adoption is really costing. BUT SO WORTH IT!! WE KNOW THAT!!!

We've been praying so much that we would come up with enough "Extra" money to pay for our travel expenses. (Being that the match happened so quick, we didn't have a lot of time to prepare and save anything additional). Yesterday while I'm at home and editing pictures my phone rings. A bride was calling to ask if I would shoot her wedding!!! While I have a lot of jobs booked between now and end of October, we were still going to come up short on travel. However, this one wedding will COVER OUR TRAVEL EXPENSES!!! GOD IS SO GOOD!!!!!

Than....it gets better :) We have been applying for grants. Any grant that we think we could qualify for-we apply for. On Thursday I turned in our first application. I heard from them right away-thanking them for my application. (in reality-We should be (And DID) be thanking them for even giving us the opportunity to even apply for a grant!) She said we fit the criteria and that she will be in touch with us after she gets back from a trip to discuss the grant further! WONDERFUL!! VERY PROMISING!!! Than this morning I get another call from a grant agency that we have applied for. She called me for a brief phone interview. She set up a face to face interview and said that we fit all qualifications perfectly and that they are excited to help us anyway they can!!! WONDERFULLY AMAZING!! AGAIN-GOD IS SOOOO GOOD!!!!!!

Now-on to my amazing family! Ok-so my family is SO EXCITED about this adoption! I mean seriously-SO EXCITED!!! I will say though-they don't know how much it is costing us. We have never come right out and said-mainly because its private information. They just know it's A LOT. And on top of the costs the travel is going to be a lot. So while talking with one of my sisters she offers us something wonderful. Here's the deal: They live about 5 hours from where Baby will be born. We have decided to fly to her-then her and her hubby are going to give us their car for 2 weeks along with their car seat and any other baby gear we need (since my neice has outgrown it)!!! THIS SAVES US ABOUT $1000!!! The car rental alone for 2 weeks was going to be between $600 and $800 plus gas! Plus my wonderful Brother in law-has offered to pay for gas from where they live to Baby R! SERIOUSLY! I HAVE THE MOST AMAZING FAMILY!!! Again-SO SO BLESSED!!!!

So again...if I would just remember that I'm not in control-but God is...I would be so much less stressed. And honestly-I have to say that since last Friday-my stress has decreased SO MUCH. I have offered it all up to God knowing that He will provide and that all will be well. God is truly good...amazing...and wonderful. He has truly blessed us and we are eternally greatful for his wonderous deeds!!!

I'M GOING TO BE A MOMMY!!!

HIS TIME HAS COME!!

Wow-my heart is truly full....with so many emotions. This week has been nothing short of amazing and stressful and nerve wracking.

This will get long-but I need to put everything down so I can look back and remember how this all happened.

On July 15th we had our last homestudy visit. We were told we were approved right away-but we had to wait for it to become official until we signed it and our social worker signed it etc. We get our homestudy via email sent to us last Monday-the 27th. We read it and make the few changes and sent it back-we were "officially" approved on the 29th.

On July 31st our SW called us and told us to look at the list of agencies she was sending us so that we could decide where we wanted the rest of our profiles sent to-since they work with so many agencies around the country. We decided on one and we mail our newly printed profile books to our agency on the 31st in the afternoon-she receives them Monday morning.

Monday Afternoon around noon our SW calls us with a "situation." Our profile fit the criteria for a BM-and she wanted to know if we wanted our profile shown. For personal reasons we decided not to. There was a lengthy list of medical issues with mom and mental issues as well, and as much as we wanted to say yes, we felt we would be selfish in doing so-because we knew that we couldn't provide for that baby in the future with the mental and medical issues that could arise. So after thinking and praying about it for 24 hours I called her back on Tuesday morning and told her no. We start talking about the agency we had chosen and she told us that the director of the agency was going to call us and give us all of the info we needed to officially make our decision.

Fast forward to noon on Tuesday-the director of our agency calls us. She informs me that another situation has come up this time with the agency we chose to have our profile books sent to. She gives us the background on mom and afer a lot of thinking and praying-we said YES! So we sent our profile book down via email to the agency-since BM was coming in sometime on Wednesday. I emailed the book down, get a phone call on Wednesday morning from SW at new agency stating BM is now not coming in until Thursday....all this time-I'm calm and thinking no biggie. We weren't getting our hopes up.

The SW with the new agency calls me Thursday morning and says BM is coming in Thursday afternoon to look at the books and she will call me after and let me know how it goes. My phone rang yesterday at about 2 pm...and my heart began to race. I will never forget those words!!! "Erin....this is Jennifer with ___________ I have some exciting news for you!! You have been chosen!" I immediately began crying. Sobbing actually. Than the SW started crying...so it was one big sob fest!! Good tears of course!! I told her I had to go home and find Mike and tell him. She asked me if we ever had any wishes of talking with BM. I said of course we'd love to...so she says-well she's still here...my response...oh you meant TODAY!?!? :)

So I went home....a sobbing mess and I told Mike...luckily not a far drive. I sobbed when I told him...than he sobbed....and we sobbed some more. SW called me back and said BM was there and if we wanted to she would put us on a conferece call. So we did....crying and all-we talked to her on the phone. She is TRULY AMAZING!! That's all I can say...AMAZING!!!

We talked to her for about 20 minutes on the phone and at the end she asked if I would be in the delivery room with her. WOW!! I TOLD YOU SHE WAS AMAZING!!! Of course through tears I said Yes-and that I would be honored. She asked if she could talk with us more on the phone before D Day-which is NOVEMBER 10th! We said of course! So we plan on talking with her many more times before then! And we are so excited to get to know her more!!!

GOD IS GOOD! AND HE HAS TRULY BLESSED US!!!!

One Year Ago Yesterday....

It's truly amazing how much can change in a year's time and how much a heart can heal. One year ago today, I was preparing for my lap which was scheduled for Monday morning. I was at home with Mike when the phone rang-it was Dr. Z....immediately my heart raced-what would he be calling me for-and why is he calling me from his home? Pre-op question...my gut told me something was wrong.

He had the results of Mike's SA and the news of finding out that Mike was sterile are words that I will never forget. Really I think more than anything it was the fear of how am I going to tell Mike. My heart was breaking for us-but not knowing how I was going to tell him scared me more than anything. But-I mustered through the tears and told him....and we cried...and we cried...and we cried some more. Thinking about that day brings a lot of those feelings back, but in no way the magnitude of what I felt that day. The feelings I have are more so remembering being sad for us...knowing that our future with kids was unknown.

Who would have thought that almost a year to the date later we would have found out that we are Home study approved and that we are officially waiting for our first baby to come home. Who would have thought that our hearts could heal themselves and allow us to be excited for the future and what is in store for us. I surely never in my wildest dreams thought that our lives were ever going to be happy again after we got that news. God however, had His plans, and of course we are thrilled and beyond excited for how our family is going to grow.

I have never been one to doubt God's plan. However, I would be lying if I said that there wasn't a time in my life where I was angry at God and asked him WHY? Why us, why do we have to go through all of this? What are you trying to prove? Now I look at us in this situation and say "Thank you for giving us the amazing gift of Adoption." Thank you for blessing us and allowing our family to grow. I coined a phrase that I have put on this blog a few times-but it is one that I tell myself quite frequently:

"There are very few people that get to experience the miracle and joys of adoption. We have been chosen to receive this beautiful miracle. We have been chosen because we are special."

So as hard as it is to not think on that day with great sadness, we look ahead with joy and excitement. My heart still hurts but in a different way. We are beyond excited for our little one to arrive, and we are sad for what he had to go through, but we know that it is all part of His perfect plan for us and we have learned to accept that.

HOME STUDY APPROVED!

I Know I have been an awful blogger...I think I have said that before...many times...truth is-time flies during the day-and at night-I'm busy doing other things-that I just forget to blog!

ANYWAYS!!! Our last Home study was last night-and we are HOME STUDY APPROVED!!! WHAT A RELIEF!!! OH MY GOSH!!! I never wanted to let myself think we couldn't be approved..but the realization is that everyone can not be for one reason or another. But regardless-WE ARE APPROVED!!! We officially are waiting for BABY R #1!!!

It's crazy, exciting, stressful, emotional time-but we are so happy....so so happy! It was almost 1 year ago to the day that we got our dx of infertility (azoospermia). It was July 21st. Who would have thought that almost a year to the date later we would be "expecting" our first miracle. God's plan is truly AMAZING!

Homestudy Number 2

It went very well. I can't say enough good things about our agency and social worker. She is truly awesome. I can't imagine going through this with someone cold or not very pleasant. Honestly when we talk with her its like visiting with friends over coffee. It's great. We made her tear up when we started talking about "E" It was a hard day for Mike and I, and we knew we couldn't fool her by pretending that we were ok. When she asked how we were doing-and how are day was-I almost broke down. Luckily Mike had it together-so he told her. She of course apologized....and said how sorry she was. We made it through without totally breaking down.

She dropped off another 16 pages of paperwork. SERIOUSLY 16 pages! I COUNTED!!! I wasn't even finished with the last 12 that she dropped off! Ugh! Luckily we've got a few weeks before the next home visit-so we can finish them. Those "essay form" questions are a killer!! She also dropped off a few sample profile books for us to look at. That was a big relief. We had no idea how to start that-so that helps a lot.

As you can see from my previous post-yesterday was a rough day. Sweet "E" went home to Jesus. It was a really hard day for me. "E" was such a sweet soul. So precious....so sweet, loving, caring, his smile could light up a room. I miss him so much. I know where he is-so I can't help but be happy for him-but so sad for us who are left behind. Mike and I said he probably ran through the gates of Heaven with those new legs of his. He ran-pain free into the arms of Jesus. I talked with his mom this morning-and she said before he died she told him that he needed to communicate one way or another that he was there with Jesus....and that he was so happy. She told me he smiled at her-a big big smile. A few hours later he was gone. My heart breaks for the family. Parents shouldn't bury there children. THAT'S NOT THE WAY IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE!!!! I know God has his plans, but sometimes its so hard for me to understand. "E" was put on this earth for a reason-and durig his time here he taught me SO MUCH! SO SO MUCH!!! More than I ever thought I could learn from a 2 year old-all the way up until he was 9!!! That little boy was so special to me-I can't imagine going to see his brother now, and not seeing "E" with him . My heart aches, but I know he's happy now, pain free, and with Jesus.....so for that I Need to be happy for him. That doesn't mean-I'm not going to miss him I will.....so incredibly much.

Last night we laid in bed-and I just cried and cried. Mike held me and I cried some more. He knows just how to console me....he's so amazing. "E's" parents called us last night. They asked Mike to be a pall bearer. Of course he was honored and he said yes. That is going to be a tough day. The day when we have to really say not goodbye but "I'll see you later." I dread it-but sometimes those days help me move on. But it still is going to be a VERY VERY HARD DAY.

Rest in Peace "E" I love you and Miss you

Rest in Peace

Rest in Peace"E".....You are now an Angel in Heaven looking down on us. I Love you and Miss you....

It's not goodbye....It's I'll see you Later.

"I look at life as a gift of God. Now that he wants it back I have no right to complain."
---Joyce Cary

"Give me Jesus"

7 1/2 years ago on September 11th, 2001 was a day that I will NEVER forget. Not only was that a day that will go down in history for our country, but was also the day that I walked into the best most rewarding job that I have ever had. It was the day I interviewed for a position as a CNA at home for children with special needs. Working there was never something that worried me-however, I would be lying if I said I was never nervous. I was very nervous, not knowing how to take care of some of the kids, especially being that I was working in the medically fragile unit.

I started working there 3 weeks later on October 1st. AMAZING. I loved it, I loved every second of it. Those kids touched my life in a way that I have never been touched before. They tought me about strength, about love and about faith. They tought me that life is truly what you make of it. And that every day is a gift from God.

My first day wasn't exactly scary-but nervewracking. I had never worked in the healthcare field directly. However, I was going to school to become a nurse so I felt that certain things just came natural to me. I remember someone telling me, try and not get to attached to these kids. Many of them move on to group homes, or move out of our direct care area, and unfortunately some of them die. I wish not getting attached was easy.....it's not.

My first day-I walked in and was greeted by a beautiful little 3 year old boy. He melted my heart. His smile was contagious and his eyes just melted me. I sat and rocked him.....he was the first child I ever held when I worked there. He was the first one that held my hand....and he was the first one that I can truly say I fell in love with. That little boy, whom I will call "E" was the one that I looked forward to working with everyday when I went in. I looked forward to seeing his smile, to crawling into bed with him and reading stories and listening to his Christian music. "E" is non-verbal....so he could not talk to me using "actual words." He had certain cues he would do to let us know what he wanted or didn't want. Our favorite song of all time was "You'll Be In My Heart" by Phil Collins. WE LOVED THAT SONG!!! We would put it on repeat and listen to it for hours....boy did that make that little boy smile. His other favorite....
"Barbie Girl" by Aqua. Oh gosh that song would make him so exicted he would practically come out of his wheelchair. Those are the memories of "E" that I will treasure forever.

5 weeks ago "E" was sent to the hospital for a major surgery. That surgery was going to drastically improve his quality of life. Unfortunately, after several post op complications "E" will be going home with Hospice care. He will not be going back to be with his twin brother, who will miss him SO MUCH, but instead he will be leaving this earth, and going to walk with Jesus in Heaven. My heart is truly breaking. A few weeks ago we stopped at the hospital to see him when we were visiting my family. He was in the children's hospital not far away-and Mike and I both wanted to see him. (Mike took care of "E" to...that's how Mike and I met-was working there.) When I left there I gave him a hug and kiss and told him how much I loved him. I had no idea, that that will more than likely be the last time I would see him.

This weekend I will spend looking through pictures of him and putting them to a video for his mom and dad. I don't know how much time that sweet amazingly beautiful little boy has left on this earth, but I know he is going to live in the heart of Mike and I forever. I will never forget that beautiful smile or those big blue eyes. He is truly the most amazing little boy ever.

So, if any of you readers have any wonderful Christian songs that would be good for a video, please pass the names on to me. I have a few picked out, but I need a few more.

Please keep "E" and his family (Mom, Dad, Twin Brother and 3 other siblings) in your thoughts and prayers. They need A LOT of strength to get through the weeks, months, and years ahead.

Ugh...If there were only more time...

In a day. I would have more time to blog! My poor blog is so neglected sometimes! :)

Well Homestudy Number 2 is on MONDAY!!! As a very good friend of mine says: HOLY CRAPSACK!!! I'm beyond excited about it!! I'm really not nervous-but that could change come Monday afternoon. I'm just excited to start the waiting process. There is a classic adoption saying: "Hurry up and wait!" Thats where we're at right now....

My first wedding 2 weeks ago....well that was interesting to say the least. I had a blast taking pictures-and honestly-for my first wedding-I'm not to disappointed with how they turned out!! I took about 1000 through out the day, and my husband's cousin who came for about 2 hours to get 2 camera's during the ceremony-took about 200. So we have A LOT of pictures to pass onto the bride and groom. Hopefully they are happy with them!! They were very excited with the sneak peak that I gave them.

I'm hoping to start a photography blog in the next few days...We'll see if it happens. I have a mound of paperwork to finish and a family session to edit and a maternity session tonight. So, we'll see what happens! No promises! :)

Homestudy #1

Well considering it was a week ago-I figured I should update! I'm such a slacker!

Our homestudy went awesome! SO GREAT!! I love our social worker....she's so amazing! So sweet and caring, compassionate-and truly someone that wants us to be parents-not someone who is going to try and prevent us from being parents. She really is awesome. We talked a lot about our family histories. How we were each raised, what our relationships are with our families-things like that. It was about 2 hours long-but in reality-it really didn't feel that long-like I said it went really really well.

Our next one will be either next week or the week after!

We're on our way!

Overwhelmed with Emotions...

Ugh! That's how I feel today....plain and simple...UGH! I had a good weekend. One of relaxation, some cleaning, and some time with great friends.

Last night however, reality set in...and I realized this week was going to be stressful and overwhelming.

Tomorrow is our first homestudy. And suprisingly I'm not at all nervous about that. I actually feel totally calm and collected about that. Which is a BIG surprise. Typically I'm one who freaks out and stresses about that kind of thing. So the fact that I'm not-is a pleasant surprise.

However, the end of the week is a BIG HUGE ENORMOUS event of mine. One that I'm more nervous for than anything else I've done in a long time....My first Wedding. No-not my wedding-but a wedding that I'm shooting-meaning photography.

This is a subject that I haven't blogged much about-not really sure why-maybe because I've been so focused on the adoption...that I really haven't had a lot of time to think about it...but in reality-some of my personal goals, dreams, and ambitions in life are happening right in front of me and if I don't stop and enjoy them-they are going to pass me by. A little background....I've always LOVED photography. I was that girl who took pictures of everything-and I was THAT GIRL who always had a camera with at every event. As I got older, it just manifested into a glorified hobby. Than over time, people have been asking me to do their baby pictures, family photo's, pet's, some candid (behind the scenes) wedding photography. Well about 6 weeks ago I got a call from a coworker of my husband. Her daughter had just gotten engaged-and decided to do a wedding in a very short amount of time....meaning this weekend. (Man I give that girl credit. I had a hard enough time planning a wedding in a year-let alone 2 months!) She needed a photographer. My first response....kindly decline-and thank them for the offer-but....before I could even get those words out of my mouth-she said-she trusts me-and she knows this will be my first wedding, but she'd be honored if I would do it. Ugh...how could I say no! Than my next response-do it for free...than I will feel better. However, as I'm telling her how flattered I was that she would ask me-she tells me that she will pay me....she HAS TO...It's only right that someone gets paid for there job. So I told her-you give me what you think I'm worth....let me tell you-she must think I'm worth a heck of a lot of money! Cause I was floored when I got the first check that said 1 of 2 in the memo line.

About a week later-I get a phone call from an acquaintance. We worked together a few years ago-but I haven't talked to her since my wedding-cause her now fiance was a groomsmen....they are getting married in July-and asked if I would shoot there wedding as well....EEK! Are you serious?!?! So-I decided-I would do it. Than over the weekend while I was shooting a babies 6 month shots-the mom asked if I was available August 15th for her cousins wedding. She was having a heck of a time finding a photographer.....SERIOUSLY! WHERE DOES THIS KIND OF THING COME FROM!?!! I've always wanted to stay at home when we had kids...ALWAYS...Just never knew if it would be possible....I'm beginning to second guess those thoughts.....and I'm realizing more and more that God does provide...and that God does honor those wishes that are heavy on our hearts. So I have a lot of praising to do over the next few days as well as a lot of praying for guidance and strength to use the talents that he gave me to the best of my ability!

God is Good!

Did You Miss Me....

Cause I've missed myself...I feel like I'm nothing short of a chicken running around with her head cut off. But....now....I can relax.....at least a little.

Ok-an update on the last few weeks.....

First our Homestudy.

We had talked with our social worker-whom I love by the way-seriously one of the sweetest girls ever. We had it all set up for tomorrow evening at 6PM. That way neither Mike or I had to take time off of work. (although I did anyways-cause I figured I wouldn't be able to concentrate at work.) Well today she calls me...and she has to reschedule...DOH! For a completely understandable reason-a birthmom came forward-and she is due in a week. While I don't know details-I know that some parents are going to get the amazing news this weekend that they are going to be parents. So I have to be totally honest-I'm not in the least bit upset, but rather THRILLED for those new parents to be. I'll be saying a specail prayer for them tonight and thanking God for the fact that there dream is coming true. So we rescheduled for next Tuesday. No Biggie.

Moving on to other things....I'm hoping to paint the nursery this weekend, or at least get it started. We are acquiring a few things here and there-so I decided that it was time to get going. We are picking up our crib next week....which is coming from Mike's grandma....kind of. When his grandma died a few years ago-he was told that she had left him some money. We had no idea how much or anything-and in reality-we really didn't care....it's always hard inheriting money-cause money isn't going to bring the person back-at least thats how I feel. Anyways, the other day I was in the bank and I was told that my husband has a separate savings account there. Hmmm...weird-this is a new bank for us-we've never banked there-how can he have an account there. Turns out-thats where the money from his grandma was left. So...while it wasn't "much" according to some...it is enough to buy us a VERY NICE beautiful crib-and we are SO GREATFUL.

So hopefully I'll get a few pictures posted this weekend of before and after...and then once we get our crib set up I'll take a few more!

I need some opinions...

Mike and I are going back and forth on a few things. We are starting to adjust our monthly budget now so that we can be prepared when our loan payments come due for the adoption. We know its going to be awhile...but might as well prepare ourselves now.

So we're trying to think of ways we can save money. A very very good friend of mine cloth diapers. I never thought I would cloth diaper. NEVER! SO NOT ME! However, I'm all about saving money...a lot of money! Since breastfeeding isn't an option for us, we will be spending A LOT of money on formula every month-we thought this would be a good way to save some money. We really like the bum genius. They are great! When we've taken care of our friends little peanut-she wears them-and they are GREAT!! "M" was the one who first got me thinking about it-and when her and I went baby shopping last Friday-we looked at them for awhile-and i started thinking more seriously about them. They aren't very cheap to start off with, but in the long run they will save money. And on top of all of that-its good for the enviornment-which is obviously a big plus as well.

So I want opinions...pros and cons for cloth diapering and not. Your experiences....is cloth diapering worth it? Not worth it? Easier? More work?

FINANCING APPROVED!!!

PRAISE THE LORD IN HEAVEN!!! ALL OF OUR FINANCING IS APPROVED!!!

WAHOOOOOO!!!!!!

I Have To Remember....

That God is in control here. Not me-but God. And let me tell you-right now, that is the hardest thing for me to do.

The application part-piece of cake, now we are heading to the finances part of this-I'm impatiently waiting for a phone call letting us know about the financial aspect of all of this. I've been telling myself, God is in control-God is in control, and I've been praying so hard for peace about this. Praying that he will calm my heart and help me to relax. Its so hard though. I have no control over this part of it right now and anyone who knows me-knows that I like being in control. I'm not a control freak-but this is a HUGE part of our life right now. HUGE. I know that Adoption is something that I really don't have a lot of control over-esp. the timing of it all. Anything could happen after our homestudy is completed. ANYTHING AT ANYTIME!!! But its hard for me to remember that God's timing is the most important. It will all happen when its supposed to happen.

The financial aspect of it is more stressful than most things I think-only because EVERYTHING hinges on this. We've already talked about different fundraisers we can do. And I'm looking into every grant imaginable. It's all just so overwhelming sometimes to think about.

But again...God is in control here...not me. I'm not in control of what is going to happen-but God is. God is in control of every step of this. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

We're APPROVED!!!!

Just because this deserves it's own post....

We're APPROVED!!!

Our initial application with our agency has been approved!!!

Next step is the homestudy which will be in the next week to 2 weeks!!

EEEEKKKKK!!!!!! NO TURNING BACK NOW!! :)

Whew.....it's been awhile!!

WOW! I feel like its been FOREVER since I posted last. Well-it has been a long time-but it feels like FOREVER. Work should calm down a lot now. My major event for the year is done, and it went great!!! We raised a lot of money, broke a few records, and had a lot of fun! It was a great night!!!

The flooding here is insane. I've never seen anything like this in my life. The national gaurd has set up camp here in town and they are everywhere. They are patrolling the dikes, 24/7 and laying sandbags constantly. It's just so crazy to me. We've plugged our sewer drains in the basement hoping and praying we don't ever have to plug the toilet-but we bought that plug to-just in case. We're waiting to do the bathroom in the basement until we have to. Until then...we'll just hope and pray we don't need to.

Here are a few pictures....this is a local park...about 1.5 blocks away....

These pictures don't really do it justice, but let's just say this is very scary stuff. There is SO MUCH WATER HERE!!!! Say alot of prayers for everyone in this area!! It's only going to get worse before it gets better!!

Hmm...it's been awhile

Whew....a brief break in my life to blog. It seems like forever.

Not much is new here really-at least I don't feel like it is. Work is keeping me extremely busy-but in a few weeks that will all be over and my normal life can resume. The flooding is getting better, but we are still not out of the woods yet. I will spend most of the afternoon sandbagging and some of next week as well. Just say some prayers, that this water subsides!! It's going to be a scary few weeks.

In other news....we've MOVED!! YAY!!! We are all moved and settled and LOVING our new place. It's cozy, but much bigger than where we were at, with much more room! So much storage and the perfect room for a nursery. :) We are very excited to get going on that. We have the bassinet set up in there-and it made me kind of choked up when I looked at it full of baby clothes. Sigh....that will be our baby's room someday. SO EXCITING!!

On the adoption front, not much new. We are waiting on our application approval-then we will start the homestudy. We are now contemplating foster/adopt as well. But I think that will require a lot more thinking and praying....but we will see where God takes us. After all, it is HIS Plan that we have to follow. :)

PURE CHAOS!!

Seriously-that's how I feel my life is right now-pure chaos.

First of all....work-insanly busy. It's by far the busiest time of year for me...so what the heck-why not throw a move in, an adoption, a sick dog, and now flooding. Yes-flooding. I won't say exactly where I live-but I will say the upper midwest and we are in water-a lot of water. It's been a crazy few days. We've been vacumming water out of our basement for about a week, trying to move into our new house, while painting a few rooms in that house, pack up the old house, and help out where ever we can with others who need it.

So-I'm still around but extremely busy....I'm going to try and get some pictures taken and upload them-because seriously if you're not here-and if I describe it-you won't believe me....

Just a few random things....

Nothing of real importance....but the excitement of moving has really set in. We are so excited to get into our new BIGGER AND BETTER place. We are waiting to find out how early we can get in. We are hoping to get the keys over the next few days so we can get in over the weekend and start painting.

I think the room that I am the most excited to paint is our nursery. Right now it is a very neutral color-beige I believe. I thought about leaving it but I think I will change it to either a yellow or green. Mike wants a Curious George theme-I'm not totally convinced. We'll see.
It excites me to start setting things up in there. To get our crib, and our glider, and all of the other fun decorations that come along with it.

Our paperwork is just about finished-and will be sent out at the end of the week. After that-we will get our homestudy started and we were told that-that should be finished in about 2 months. So we are on our way.....EEK! So many exciting things happening and I finally feel like they are happening for us instead of against us. It's a nice change!!

Oh-and as far as my previous post.....I'm much happier now. Days like that can really drag a person down... but I'm a much happier person now.....thank goodness for a loving and understanding husband! Gotta love a man who can deal with a rollercoaster of emotions!

Do you ever have those days....

When you have a knot in your stomach, edgy, crabby, and pretty much feeling like yelling at anyone who comes in front of you????

That's me today. Who knows why-maybe due to the lack of sleep last night, maybe its cause I'm due to get my period this next week....I think....I sometimes lose track since I don't really have to keep track anymore.....or maybe its cause my stress level feels like its going through the roof because this time of year is crazy stressful at work....whatever the reason is I hate feeling this way. I HATE IT!

I'm thinking of taking a tylenol PM and going to bed.....we'll see how far I get with that thought.....off to get back to work....

I'm still here! :)

Just in case anyone missed me! :)

I've been oh so busy these days. But thats a good thing....I think. We were in Wisconsin for a wedding this weekend and had a great time! It was SO NICE to get away and go on a little mini vacation. It was much needed and appreciated!

On the adoption front...our paperwork is almost finished-and will hopefully have it all mailed off in the next few days. Once that is taken care of then we will just wait for our approval and then get our homestudy scheduled.

On another note...WE ARE MOVING!!! YAY!! PRAISE THE LORD!!! We like our house...but we outgrew many many months ago. With Mike and I and our 2 lovely furbabies we need more space. We found a very cute 3 bedroom 2 bath house, double stall garage, finished basement, and within walking distance of a park. Its adoreable. It's not our dream house-but for the time being it will work great. We had looked into buying-and after we went back and forth with our bank between our adoption loan as well as a mortgage and with the economy the way it is-we opted to rent for another year or 2 and save up some more money to give us a much better down payment. While of course we would much rather own then rent-for us right now its the best decision. And we're ok with it....we are just SO EXCITED to have more room. It is going to be about 3x as much room as we have now! Its going to give us plenty of room to grow and have a baby-and it will give the baby the space he or she needs. It's going to be great!!

On the work front...this is the busiest time of year for me at work. My biggest project of the year is a huge benefit auction. It takes place the middle of April and I've been in full swing planning mode since last years event...but of course it takes full speed the 5-6 weeks prior. So many many things going on-and many things keeping me busy....that's definitely a good thing!!

And it Officially Begins!!!

Our Official Adoption start date.....February 24th, 2009. Well at least thats what I would say-is official. I started filling out our application last night-Ugh! It's LONG!!! I mean I knew it was long-but I had no idea simple questions could bring on such long complicated answers!!

We made the decision to adopt back in July, when we got the original dx of Mike's Azoospermia. We knew Mike would have surgery eventually-we just didn't know when. When November came and went-and we got the official dx...we decided we would move on with adoption in the spring. So...Spring is a few months away-but we decided to get the ball rolling-and see how far it goes!

We are still in "touch" with our potential birthmom. But we are much more gaurded about the situation then we used to be. We are getting many conflicting reports...so just kind of take things as they come. If it works out-GREAT...but if not-we are prepared for that as well. I just hope whatever her decision is-she makes it for herself and the baby-not for the rest of her family.

I'm hoping to finish the initial application in the next few days....and send it in with our application fee. I had started one a few weeks ago-and then after we got word on the potential birthmom and the many contacts I had with my agency-they were in the process of updating there application-so to save time in the long run-I waited until we got the new packet in the mail.

So...it begins....and the stress levels rise! Ugh! It's a crazy whirlwind of emotions! But every day brings us one step closer!!!

Sometimes My Body Annoys Me.....

Ok a lot of the time it annoys me....but right now-its really annoying me.

This maybe TMI for some people so if it is I apologize.....

Since last Sunday night I've been fighting flu like symptoms. (As you can see from my previous post.) Headaches, nausea, exhaustion, and just feeling simply like crap. Well I tossed it up to just that I caught a bug and that I was supposed to see AF on Friday. Well Friday came and went-and nothing. But I thought for sure on Saturday....nothing....well surely Sunday....nothing. Well definitely I'll have it Monday when I get up....Nothing. UGH! Seriously! Just show up already!!! I know I'm not pregnant...cause really-how is there any way. But I'm not going to lie and say that I didn't think of buing an HPT yesterday when I was at walmart and walked by them. I then reminded myself-oh yea....not possible. And continued walking.

Ugh...why does a body insist on playing tricks on me. It's like salt in the wounds sometimes I think.

If I Didn't Know Better.....

I could honestly be convinced I was pregnant. But since that really isn't a possibility I will just go on and say that I think I've got the touch of some nasty stomach virus.

Since Sunday I haven't been feeling all that great. Headaches, waves of SEVERE nausea, exhaustion, and just plain not feeling well. Monday I stayed home from work-hoping some sleep would help with the headache that was turning into a migraine...luckily-I caught it before it was full blown....but ugh-was that painful. But since Monday-even through last night-I've been so sick to my stomach. Doesn't matter what I eat, or don't eat-I'm ready to lose it about 20 minutes later. I fell asleep last night expecting to be throwing up all night thinking I was coming down with the flu. But instead I woke up this morning-feeling OK..not great-but ok. I brought a pack of soda crackers to work today thinking I was going to need something to calm my stomach. In not to long-I'll be eating some I think.

I know I shouldn't do this to myself because the .00000000001% chance that my husband would have 1 or 2 swimmers to make it through is so slim that its basically impossible-but hey there is still that .0000000001 chance. :)

We babysat last night for some very good friends of ours. There little girl is such a doll-and Mike had the time of his life with her. He's going to be such an amazing dad. I think it was hard for him to hold her, play with her, and feed her-and then to sit back and think that we aren't there yet. But-we will....sooner than later hopefully.

PCOS Lucky Me

It's been a busy time....work has been swamped, I've spent a lot of time doing a lot of random things that aren't typical in a week....but oh well...such is life.

My results FINALLY came in after I called the dr's office 2x. He said he was going to call me with the results....but instead he sent me a letter-which I'm a little upset about-but not much I can do.

Turns out-after all of this time and after all of the times I've talked with my OB/Gyn about my endo...it's not endo. It's PCOS. Thanksfully it's not the insulin resistant form-as of yet-but from the research I've done based on my fasting glucose levels-I'm wondering if it may turn into that over time. Turns out my LH hormone as well as my FSH hormone levels are way off. They are opposite levels of where they are supposed to be. He said that basically the only treatment one can do in my situation is hormone treatment. And at this time I'm not to convinced I want to go that route-but I know probably should. So next week I'll call and make an appt. and see what he recommends. Guess we'll see. Hormone treatments don't make me very excited. Esp. if it requires a shot....not to excited about that option.

So such is life.....guess now I have answers and can kind of change my diet, life accordingly...but it still sucks. regardless.

Dr. Appt's

Any woman knows that the that one appt. per year that she should "really" go to...is about the farthest thing from fun that one can imagine. I felt like a freak parade...nurses, dr.'s medstudents....akward-to say the least....oh well..I guess I'm ok with being a learning experience to what will hopefully someday be a great dr. (And she really was nice-I will say that.)

But I degress.....I visited with Dr. Z at length about my pain....we talked about many different options, and after my exam he told me that he's no longer 100% convinced that I have endo. Excuse me?!!? Then what is going on? Am I just one of the lucky ones who has extremely painful periods and ovulation pains and cramping etc??? Not exactly...he's thinking PCOS...for the non medical minded....Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.....GREAT(insert sarcasm here)!! So I went in for lab work...and I swear I got lightheaded after they took the 8 viles of blood. Whew...that was A LOT of blood. But at least the tech was good-got it after the first poke...no bruising-barely felt a thing. So now I wait for all of those lab tests to come back.

When he was talking to me about PCOS.....everything he was describing was me a T. Every charachteristic, every symptom, everything! Scary business!! I'm not sure if I would be relieved or pissed if I find out I do have it. I mean-it would give me A LOT of answers....but it would also make me crabby that I will be taking medication for the rest of my life.

I'm getting pretty good at this waiting game. He's hoping that they results should be back within a week. So I wait...

Delayed Reactions

I feel like I'm having a delayed reactions to all of my feelings. I feel like these things should have been fealt along time ago-but instead of feeling them now.

I tell myself sometimes that I'm numb...that nothing really phases me. I don't always feel like I'm feeling as sad as I should about a situation, or like I feel as happy as I should. I don't consider myself depressed-becuase usually I'm a fairly happy person all things considering.

But the past few days I just can't shake these feelings. The feelings of sadness, grief, anxiety, lonliness, a fear that I'm/we're being punished. I know we're not-but there are times when thats the only answer I can give myself as to why this has happened to us-is that we are being punished-although I know in my heart that doesn't make sense-but in my mind it does.

When I sleep-I sleep really well-but I wake up every few hours and start thinking about our baby. I think about him or her all the time it seems like. I think about our birthmom and I wonder who she is and what she is doing. I think about how lucky I am to have all of the blessings I do in my life....but is it so wrong to want a baby to be one of those blessings.

I feel like I should have moved on from these feelings by now. We were dx with IF back in July-I find myself as a person who deals with things quickly...and then I just like to put those feelings away somewhere....but IF has been different. Everyday lately has been a constant reminder that we don't have children yet, and that we might not for awhile.

One of my favorite quotes in the world comes from Mother Theresa....."I know God has a plan, I just wish he didn't trust me so much." I know God trusts me....I just wish he moved as quick as I want him to with the plans he has for us. :)

Feeling Kinda Down Today....

Don't know why in particluar. I mean-nothing new has come up. We are still in limbo with our Birth Mother....we have no idea where she stands-and I think I'm just letting the possibility that could have been a mom in just a few months go. But I have been for a few weeks now-at least I think I have been.

Infertility is truly a rollercoaster of emotions. There are days when I feel on top of the world-and I don't let infertility bother me. I stay positivie and I try and keep the thought in my head that I will be a mom, someday I will be. Then there are days like today when I just feel upset and bothered and angry at times that 2 people who want children more than anything can't have them. It just doesn't seem fair to me. I know God has his plan-but it is still frustrating to not understand it.

Mike has been down the past few days. I know he is feeling the sadness, anxiety, and stress of the fact that we were so close to being parents-at least we felt we were close by everything we were hearing, and everything she was telling our friend...that we really thought this might be it. I think the reality has kind of set it-that it might not work out.

I feel more bad for him I think than anything-because I know he feels responsible for how I feel and my sadness at times-when he shouldn't because its not his fault. It's just a matter of time before I have a lap to remove my endo. So even if he was fine-I'm still not-and I think we would still be trying to conceive...

Another aspect of my sadness comes from the fact that people tell us....just adopt then you will for sure get pregnant. I think over the weekend I heard that about 5 times. What don't people understand?!?! WE CAN'T GET PREGNANT!!! There is no way-besides a true miracle from God that we will ever get pregnant.

I'm also tired of hearing the well I know how you feel...we struggled for 3 months to get pregnant, or I know how you feel because we might have trouble getting pregnant one day, or the ever famous-pregnancy really isn't all that great...your not missing out on much. Really....I think having a baby is pretty great....you of all people should know-you already have a beautiful child in front of you.

I know unless you are truly struggling with Infertility you really don't know what it is like. To be told that you will never have a biological child of your own-is not something you ever want to hear. I want nothing more then to look at someone who says-I totally know how you feel and say..."Really?! When were you diagnosed? When did you get that awful gut wrenching news? How many times have you and your husband cried yourselves to sleep over it? How many times have you held your husband as he's cried in your arms because he feels responsible? How many times have you gone to the dr. with your husband just to have him humiliated by having to give a Semen analysis?" That might seem so harsh-but it's days like today when I really honeslty would love to shake those people who say things like that.

I know its days like today when I just need to sit back and pray for strength, wisdom, understanding not only for myself but for all of those who are ignorant" for lack of a better word when it comes to talking with people dealing with IF. I would rather have someone look me in the eyes and tell me they don't know what to say to say those words. Ugh.....

I just need a good cry....and maybe a good hug from my husband.....and a little extra strength from above today.

Stressed, Overwhelmed....and Exhausted

I've been thinking about posting something this week-since it has been quite the rollercoaster, but could just never force myself to do it, even though I spend about 90% of my work day at my desk.

This week....ugh-what a week. Let's have a brief recap....although I'm sure this one is going to turn into a short novel...

Last weekend...woke up with a sore back-nothing to alarming-I've had back problems my entire life. I've just grown with the fact that I always will.

Woke up on Monday-could barely move-and my left arm was numb-I figured it was time to call the chiropractor-made the call-couldn't get in until Tuesday-DOH!

Tuesday-go to the chiropractor-find out I have 3 vertebra (sp?) out and my hips are out by 3/4 inch. My chiropractor says-child birth will be a breeze-because these injuries don't just happen....you've been like this for awhile-you must have an extremely high pain tolerance if you haven't been in here sooner-you'll be that girl with no drugs! If you only knew lady-if you only knew....child birth won't ever be happening for me....but oh well-just make my back not hurt. I wasn't going to get into that conversation today.

Tuesday night-we get the news. Our BM is having reservations about the situation. Well let me rephrase that....she's not-but her family and the BF are not supporting the decision. She knows that she can't keep this baby, but her family is trying to convince her otherwise-all the while knowing that it will be her responsibility-not theres. BF says he's going to help-but he's not taking care of the several (yes several) children he already has. And he's a felon-and in and out of jail. Why he is going to take care of this child-if he hasn't taken care of the other ones. Plus-he lives in a different state-so if she moves to his home state....she will be leaving any sense of stability that she does have. She has still said that she wants to meet us...but we are much more gaurded then we were before. We know this may very well not turn out the way we want it to. But my heart aches for her. I can't imagine what she's going through....I just wish she could find the support she needs.

Wednesday.....my work load increased by two-fold. It is our busiest time of year-and while my mind has been with the BM-I'm finding it tough to focus at work and be the productive person I know I need to be.

Thursday...went with Mike to his work for Family night. All I see all over-BABIES. Many many babies. I know everyone of those women and men-love there children with there whole heart, but sometimes I wonder if the realize just how blessed they are. They are able to have children, more than one even-maybe even 4 or 5! Do you realize how blessed you are?!?!?! That's what I wanted to say when I hear a few of them was complaining about the lack of sleep they got the night before-because some of there babies woke up a few times to eat. I would give anything for that-but please don't complain to someone who want's more than anything to wake up to hear that baby wanting nothing more than there mom or dad to feed them and hold them...because feel blessed that you are a mom and that you have the baby that needs you. (and yes-they know about our IF.)

That leads me to today-it's going to be another busy day-but at least it's Friday-and I have the weekend to relax.

I do want to add something...by reading this-some may think that I am angered or upset by the average person who can conceive naturally without any trouble-like most of my friends are. I'm not saying that at all-because I WOULD NEVER WISH IF ON ANYONE!!! NEVER!!! What angers me-are those people that can get pg very easily.....and who do not appreciate what they have. They don't appreciate how lucky and blessed they are. As tired as you may be at 3:00 am when your baby wakes up for the 4th time-praise GOD THAT YOU HAVE THAT HEALTHY CHILD!!! PRAISE GOD THAT YOUR CHILD HAS THE FOOD TO EAT!!! GIVE THANKS THAT GOD BLESSED YOU WITH THAT CHILD!!! Do I know a Mother's Love? No-not yet, but the love I have for my child that I don't even have yet is only a fraction of what I will feel later when I'm holding him or her in my arms for the first time. But the first thing I will be saying is PRAISE GOD FOR THIS MIRACLE.

Our Birthmom.....I Wonder Who She Is...

I think about our birthmom a lot. I wonder who she is, what she looks like, what she likes to do. I think about how she is feeling (if she is pregnant yet), I think about how old she is and what her favorite color is. I wonder what color her eyes are, her hair....I think about her a lot. I pray for her everyday and I really hope that where ever she is she knows how much I genuinely care about her and love her already-even though we have truly never met.

If she's pregnant right now what is she thinking about? What is she feeling? What are the thoughts that are going through her head. Is she being kept up at night by the kicks of the baby? Or is she going through morning sickness and the stage of pure exhaustion? I think about this a lot-and I wonder....just for a minute-if she's already made the decision to give her child up, does she think about us?

I don't know how you can ever show appreciation to someone who is going to give you the most amazing gift anyone could ever give. It amazes me the amount of pure unconditional love she will have for this little baby. To look at this beautiful little child and say-I love you so much that I'm giving you to someone who can take care of you the way that I want to but can't. Ugh...my heart breaks for her as it leaps for joy for me. Does that make sense?

How can something so unbelievably happy for us, be so devestating to others? That just doesn't seem fair!

Brrr.....and other ramblings

So I wake up this morning to watch the Today show-and get ready for work-normal routine for me. They are updating my current weather-and what do I hear....-57 BELOW!!!! CRAZINESS!! That has to be wrong! It can't be THAT cold out....yep-sure is....BRRR. That's all I can say. I don't remember in my life ever being as cold as it is today. Such is life I guess...makes me very thankful for HEAT!!

Other ramblings of mine include....well not much. This weekends project-our portfolio. I'm going to attempt to make a scrapbook for our potential BM to look at when we meet her. What will it all include-I HAVE NO IDEA...but its gotta be done. Everything I've read and everyone I've talked to has said to bring this with when we meet her so she can see what we are like. She can see pictures of our family, and see who we really are. So I will start that this weekend...let's hope and pray it goes well...I'm not a very artistic person. And this sounds crazy-but I really don't know how many pictures Mike and I actually have together. I mean-we have a fair share-but I'm usually behind the camera. So that will prove to be a bit challenging.

Other than that....not much new to report! :)

I've been Tagged!

So here we go....

The Rules: Go to your My documents or where ever you store your photo's. Go to the 6th folder and pick out the 6th picture. Tell us a story about that photo.

This is my Monster Man...or My Menace to Society....or Sigamonster....or little man....or my Little Love....my Naughty little puppy or Sig. Any of the above will work.....

His real Name-Sigmund....yes as is Sigmund Freud....and yes-he is a Mommy's boy-like NONE OTHER! :) This has to be one of the first days we got him. On Daisy's pillow....can you tell we have 2 black dogs??? He looks sweet and innocent...but let me tell you....HE'S NOT!!!

*************************************************************************************

I feel the need to tell a little bit about my Sigamonster. He's honestly a sweet little puppy. He really is.....MOST OF THE TIME....he may be sweet-but he's not so innocent. :) Sig came to us in July of 08. We already had Daisy-our 1 year old black lab. We were NOT in the market for another puppy. Daisy was trained, and we were getting ready to start her therapy dog training. (Which she has completed!!) We were totally content with just having her. AGAIN-WE WERE NOT IN THE MARKET FOR ANOTHER PUPPY!! However, Mike had heard about a yellow lab that had been dropped off at the local humane society-about 6 months old. Mike has always dreamed of having a yellow lab-named Duke. So Daisy was a comprimise-because I wanted a black german shepherd. So we got a Black Lab and named her Daisy Duke. :) We call her the ultimate marital comprimise.

Anyways...when we looked at the human society website-that cute little yellow lab was already adopted out..thankgoodness! I hate the thought of poor innocent little puppies or dogs in general living in a shelter. However, connected to the humane society webpage was our local animal rescue page. Mike and clicked on that page-just to take a look-thinking maybe that little pup was on there....nope no such luck. BUT staring at us off of our computer were those big dark eyes that you see in the above picture. They looked so sweet. Then we read his story-and I got teary eyed. Sig was found on reservation within the state that I live in. A woman was driving through and stopped at a gas station to see 6 teenagers stoning this little puppy. She could hear him whelping with each stone and stick that was thrown at him. She went over-picked up the pup and told them she was taking this puppy. She couldn't bare to watch him die like that. He was shaking-and crying-after all he was only around 6 weeks old! They argued...and she said she would pay them for the dog-they didn't want the money-what did they want instead-Cigarettes...so she bought a few packs of cigarettes and she took the dog-so we affectionately call him Sig...short for Cigarette. :) Only seemed fitting.

We originally were only going to foster him-but after a few short days-we knew that we couldn't give him away to another family. He was SO ATTACHED to Daisy-and Daisy was to him. So we kept him. And he's been with us ever since. :)

But a little info on Sig..he's a quick little thing. He can destroy a box of kleenex in a matter of seconds. A roll of toilet paper-NO PROBLEM-Destroyed to shreds in a minute or less. Socks HIS FAVORITE THING! He has a habit of digging into the laundry basket and finding every sock he can-and bring them to his kennel or pillow. Not to chew on them...only to keep them close to him. Shoes...HE LOVES SHOES. I've lost a few pair to his puppy teeth. If you have seen the movie Marley and Me or read the book-Sig is Marley in a different color. They are one in the same. Couch cusions, pillows, blankets, chewed through them all. But yet-I love that little thing so much. How....somedays I wonder-but regardless....I love him. I can't imagine my life without him :)

I Tag:

Kristi & Erica

Kind of a rut....

Why is it that things in life that really shouldn't bother you do....and the things that should bother you don't....I've been pondering that one a lot lately...here is why.

I find myself in a rut lately. Not a rut where I'm down and depressed-but more of a rut with the world around me. I find myself dwelling on things that really shouldn't bother me. Things that I can't control-and things that really shouldn't matter-but for whatever reason in my mind lately-they do matter.

For example-why do I care if someone doesn't like me. I'm not a perfect person-and I need to remember that not everyone is going to like me. But I think what is frustrating-is that in my heart I do try to be a very good person. I try to be a person who is loving, caring, and there for her friends anytime, anyday. A person who prays for her friends just because I want to....a person who loves life and tries to get those around her to be happy. So what is it about me that some people don't like? I don't know....and I can't control there feelings-so why is it that at times it bothers me and others it doesn't? It shouldn't-and I know that-but in reality it does-but I wish it didn't.

I know this is something I really really need to pray about-and I do. But it still seems so hard on me sometimes-and I really don't like feeling like this. I don't like feeling negative or seeming like a negative person so how do I tell myself that others opinions don't matter? It seems so much easier said then done! I really do try to be a good person, and in my heart I know that I'm a good person-perfect-absolutely not-but a good person yes.

So this is something I need to pray more about.....pray for knowledge on how to accept these things, pray for peace, pray for wisdom, and pray for acceptance of these difficulties....and even more than that-no matter how bad these people can make me feel-I need to pray for them. Because maybe they need prayer just as much as I do. God can do amazing things....if we just ask him for a little help along the way.

UPDATE :)

I stopped to see Mike over my lunch break...he just got done visiting with "T."

BM wants to meet us in about 3 weeks!! Her therapist has recommended that she completes her 4 weeks of counseling and then takes the next step! Since she knows that adoption is the path she wants to go on....she knows she wants to meet us-but would feel best if she finished her counseling. I'm so glad she is going through the counseling. As far as we know-she's not meeting with any other couples....It is such a relief to me that she is going to counseling and that she has knows what is best for her at this point in time. I can't even imagine how she is feeling...but I know that I love her so much already. If she chooses us, I can't even begin to imagine the amount of love and support I will have for her. She's giving us the most amazing gift. And she's giving her baby the most amazing gift-the gift of life...and love.

Ugh...I get teary eyed just thinking about this. I could be a mommy!

A POSSIBLE MATCH!!!

A POSSIBLE MATCH!!!!

In my previous post I mentioned something about how a GREAT thing happened the last week of 2008. I hesitated to blog about it...but have decided to do it. It is none the less part of our journey to our baby...so I feel that it is only appropriate that I "write" it down to remember every step of the way. So yes....you read that correctly-we have a POSSIBLE match.

Any of you have been following my blog know that we have yet to send in all of our paperwork for the agency, but have rather been enjoying our time together and looking forward to the year ahead and all that it will hold. So you may be asking...HOW CAN THIS BE!?! Trust me-I've asked myself that question many many times.

This is what we know:

A friend of ours whom we will call "T" approached my husband about 2 weeks ago and said she had been thinking of us for a few days....a co-worker of her husband was in a bind. Her daughter who is 20 years old is pregnant and wants to give the baby up for adoption. She had moved across the country not long after highschool...and as "T" put it...made a few bad choices, and is now pregnant. Knowing that abortion was not an option, she swallowed her pride and called her mother for help. Her mother immediately told her to come home and welcomed her with open arms. "T" after talking about the situation for quite sometime told her that there are many many couples in the world who are waiting to adopt and that she would get the names of a few good agencies...since obviously we had researched several. Her daughter is hesitant to use an agency for several reasons, and the grandmother mentioned that. She said that her daughter would much rather not use an agency, but rather just a lawyer. Immediately "T" thought of us..but didn't want to say anything until she got the OK from us. So she talked to Mike at work the next day. OF COURSE WE SAID TELL HER ABOUT US!!! So the next day she saw BM and grandma....and told her about us. BM was VERY EXCITED. She said she was so glad to hear about us. And that she knows she can't keep this baby and she can't expect her mother to help....AND THAT SHE WANTS TO MEET US! My heart leaped out of my chest when I heard "T" say those words.

BM said first though she wants to finish her counseling that she has put herself in. While she knows that adoption is the path for her she needs to know that all of the emotions she is feeling right now are totally normal and she needs to get some of those thing off of her chest first. Which I'm really glad she is. Through a lot of the reading I"ve done....every book says that counseling is best for birthmothers. We wouldn't even go with an agency that didn't provide counseling to the birth moms....we think its very important.

So the birthmother said that she wants to meet with us...after a few more weeks of counseling. But she kept saying over and over how excited she was to meet us. When Mike called to tell me I was shaking. Crying, smiling, laughing...EVERYTHING. COULD THIS REALLY BE HAPPENING!!!! She's around 12-13 weeks along-and due mid July.

Of course in my mind I'm trying to let myself get attached...but if any of you have been through this you know its hard not to get excited and attached in some way. But again, we know that this might not work out and she may not choose us, or she may decide to parent herself...but at the moment-we have hope-and we have a POSSIBLE MATCH! The situation itself PERFECT!!! It would require no travel, she would like a semi-open adoption, with pictures and letters. (She plans on flying back to the state she moved to after the baby is born.) Again-a PERFECT situation...I just hope its not too perfect.

Since we've started the adoption process I've been praying for our birthmother. Praying for her to make the right decisions for her health and her babies health, and for strength, and for her to have acceptance for what God wants her to do. I know God is hearing my prayers...now the question is-is this the birthmom I've been praying for???

Goodbye 2008...Hello 2009!

Now that 2008 is gone....I can honestly say that it was probably the worst year of my life. Every year I start the new year with such high hopes that it will be a great year of many happy exciting things...but in 2008 I can honestly say-nothing great wonderful and exciting sticks out in my mind...except for one thing last week-and we will touch more on that in a later post. Obviously there were good things that happened-and I'm not saying nothing good happened-but for the most part it wasn't a good year.


But with that said we have decided that 2009 is going to be a great year. We are buying a house in the next few months....and starting the adoption process in the spring-and maybe, hopefully adopting our first child. It has to be a good year with all of those things happening! DOESN'T IT?!?!?! Yes it does! I'm not allowing myself to think that 2009 could be as bad as 2008. Since I'm putting 2008 to rest....I will say it was terrible, awful, and stressful, and nothing could have made it worse...so 2009 is sure to be a GREAT YEAR!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!