I feel like I'm having a delayed reactions to all of my feelings. I feel like these things should have been fealt along time ago-but instead of feeling them now.
I tell myself sometimes that I'm numb...that nothing really phases me. I don't always feel like I'm feeling as sad as I should about a situation, or like I feel as happy as I should. I don't consider myself depressed-becuase usually I'm a fairly happy person all things considering.
But the past few days I just can't shake these feelings. The feelings of sadness, grief, anxiety, lonliness, a fear that I'm/we're being punished. I know we're not-but there are times when thats the only answer I can give myself as to why this has happened to us-is that we are being punished-although I know in my heart that doesn't make sense-but in my mind it does.
When I sleep-I sleep really well-but I wake up every few hours and start thinking about our baby. I think about him or her all the time it seems like. I think about our birthmom and I wonder who she is and what she is doing. I think about how lucky I am to have all of the blessings I do in my life....but is it so wrong to want a baby to be one of those blessings.
I feel like I should have moved on from these feelings by now. We were dx with IF back in July-I find myself as a person who deals with things quickly...and then I just like to put those feelings away somewhere....but IF has been different. Everyday lately has been a constant reminder that we don't have children yet, and that we might not for awhile.
One of my favorite quotes in the world comes from Mother Theresa....."I know God has a plan, I just wish he didn't trust me so much." I know God trusts me....I just wish he moved as quick as I want him to with the plans he has for us. :)
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3 comments:
Hi Erin-
I am delurking to say reading that post made me so sad.
I also wanted to remind you of another saying I often have to repeat to myself..."if you want to hear God laugh tell him your plans"
Hang in there!
-Molly from Pittsburgh
I'm so sorry things have been rough lately. I think something similiar to that all the time. I tell my hubby, "I know God won't give me more than I can, so I don't know if I should be flattered or afraid." It's hard sometimes; it's as simple and frustrating as that. Just take it one breathe at a time and remember that each day brings you closer. I know you have the blog, but have you tried journaling for yourself? I know that has also helped me. I started a journal that I write with the idea that I will one day give to our child so they can see/hear what was in our hearts all the way through the process. I write as if I'm writing to him/her, and it has really, really helped. Just an idea. {Hugs}
Lots of love and prayers coming your way -- there is nothing like this hurt, it takes my breath away.
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