One Year Ago Yesterday....

It's truly amazing how much can change in a year's time and how much a heart can heal. One year ago today, I was preparing for my lap which was scheduled for Monday morning. I was at home with Mike when the phone rang-it was Dr. Z....immediately my heart raced-what would he be calling me for-and why is he calling me from his home? Pre-op question...my gut told me something was wrong.

He had the results of Mike's SA and the news of finding out that Mike was sterile are words that I will never forget. Really I think more than anything it was the fear of how am I going to tell Mike. My heart was breaking for us-but not knowing how I was going to tell him scared me more than anything. But-I mustered through the tears and told him....and we cried...and we cried...and we cried some more. Thinking about that day brings a lot of those feelings back, but in no way the magnitude of what I felt that day. The feelings I have are more so remembering being sad for us...knowing that our future with kids was unknown.

Who would have thought that almost a year to the date later we would have found out that we are Home study approved and that we are officially waiting for our first baby to come home. Who would have thought that our hearts could heal themselves and allow us to be excited for the future and what is in store for us. I surely never in my wildest dreams thought that our lives were ever going to be happy again after we got that news. God however, had His plans, and of course we are thrilled and beyond excited for how our family is going to grow.

I have never been one to doubt God's plan. However, I would be lying if I said that there wasn't a time in my life where I was angry at God and asked him WHY? Why us, why do we have to go through all of this? What are you trying to prove? Now I look at us in this situation and say "Thank you for giving us the amazing gift of Adoption." Thank you for blessing us and allowing our family to grow. I coined a phrase that I have put on this blog a few times-but it is one that I tell myself quite frequently:

"There are very few people that get to experience the miracle and joys of adoption. We have been chosen to receive this beautiful miracle. We have been chosen because we are special."

So as hard as it is to not think on that day with great sadness, we look ahead with joy and excitement. My heart still hurts but in a different way. We are beyond excited for our little one to arrive, and we are sad for what he had to go through, but we know that it is all part of His perfect plan for us and we have learned to accept that.