NO-YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!!

I hate that phrase! I understand what you're going through...or yea-I know what you mean.

Do you?!?!? Do you really understand the emotional rollercoaster of infertility and never having a child of your own. How could you? You have a baby already!

I don't want a pity party and I don't want you to tell me that everything is going to be ok -if I just adopt. I don't want you to tell me that you know what I'm going through because you have a certain "condition" and you think you may have trouble down the road TTC. I don't want you to tell me that you can relate to how I'm feeling. The sense of loss the sense of worthlessness, the sense of being broken and not being able to be "fixed." You don't understand and you can't understand-so don't tell me you do.

Vent over....

How do I deal with it?

Thats what everyone keeps telling me. Just take time to deal with this and you'll know when you're ready to move on. Ok..thats a great thing to think of but how am I supposed to deal with it? I don't know how or what I'm supposed to do. I had a really good couple days...I was upbeat and positive and the idea of Adoption excited me. (Or at least I thought it did...maybe it was the idea that Adoption should excite me-excited me.) Now today-its like I've taken 20 steps back and I'm getting knocked down to the ground again. I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm bitter, and annoyed and I don't like it-but I don't know how to deal with it.

It doesn't help that some people aren't being as supportive as I thought they would be. Granted some have been really really great-and I thank God that those people are in my life, because its people like them that will give me the strength and support to get through this. It is others that make me feel like what we are going through is no big deal-and why can't you "just adopt." Well if it was a matter of "just adopting" don't you think everyone would do it? As Rachel said: "Allow them some dumb time." :) So thats what I'm going to do. Maybe if they see me again in a few weeks and me not being "over it" and ready to "just adopt" they will understand that there is a grieving process that needs to happen first. But I'm finding that I don't know how to grieve.

I mean-I know that the feelings of sadness and anger are normal, but I dont' know what to do with those feelings. I try and funnel them into prayer in hopes that I can just lift them up to Jesus and just tell Him to take away the pain, or give me peace to deal with the pain...but really can't there me an instruction manual or something?

So if anyone knows of a good book that I can read to understand the pshychological aspect of IF I would really appreciate any recommendations.

Until then....
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things rightif I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next.
Amen.

GLIMMER OF HOPE!!!

Mike had a dr. appt this morning with his regular dr. that did refer him to a urologist. HOWEVER...WE DO HAVE HOPE!!! His dr. told him that he has seen this before, and it could be one of 3 things....
1. A SEVERE INFECTION
2. AN ANTIBODY THAT HIS BODY PRODUCES
3. A BLOCKAGE

All 3 of those things are partially if not fully treatable. PRAISE GOD WE HAVE SOME HOPE!!!!!

Thank you GOD!!

While we are trying to not get to excited, as we know what the outcome could be this is by far the highlight of our week. We have some hope...something to hang on to!!!

My Heart Aches Today

It hurts so badly. For so many reasons. I'm mourning a child I will never have. I'm angry, frustrated, bitter, sad, confused and I'm asking the question why? Why us? No one should have to go through this pain, but at the same time I wonder why God chose us to go through it.

It hurts for Mike and I and our relationship. It is strained. It is being pulled to the max it feels like. We are fine one minute and the next I just feel as though he is annoyed and frustrated with me. And I know he doesn't mean to be that way, it is just his way of dealing with things, but it hurts when I feel like there is nothing I can do to console him but I want consoling as well. I'm hoping that he may start to open up to 1 of our very good friends over the next few days. They are some of our best friends and we love them dearly and I told them yesterday about everything. It is just a few days after they had there first beautiful baby. And she cried and cried. She now knows all that I will be missing out on, and she had no words to console me. Her husband and Mike are quite close as well, and I know Mike could really really use a good friend these days. Someone to talk to and lean on. Someone with strong Christian beliefs that will try and make him understand (although neither of us ever will) that God has his reasons and his plans for us. Someone besides his typical guy friends who will just make jokes about it as his heart is breaking. I feel so badly for him. I just wish that I could make him feel better. But there isn't. I can't buy him anything, take him anywhere, or give him anything that will make him realize that I love him with all of my heart and soul and that nothing that happens will ever change that. Nothing I can do or give or say will take away the pain he is feeling. All I can do is pray for peace.

Mike has another dr. appt today. For some reason I'm not feeling very hopeful. I want to feel hopeful, but I'm scared. I'm scared to have it all taken away in a matter of seconds. Yesterday I felt as though all I could do was hang on to that thread of hope. Today-I feel as though its already gone and there is nothing left.

"Lord Give Me Strength..."

Sometimes in your heart you just know....

Sometimes I go back and read my old posts to remember how I was feeling before all this happened. I came across this one....How ironic and strange and crazy is this???
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Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Adoption.....maybe...maybe not.....
Have you ever just been pulled towards something....something for your future-something that you feel so strongly about-but yet you can't figure out why exactly? Thats me......about Adoption. Since I was dating Mike and we talked about getting married and kids-I've thought about adoption and how much I would love to adopt a child one day. Its strange for me. Coming from a family of fertile myrtles I never thought we would have any trouble TTC. But now that we are the thought has been more and more on my mind. Its to the point where i wonder what he or she will look like-what the mother will look like-where they will be from......IT'S CRAZY!! Yet I feel so strongly about it.......I don't know-maybe i'm crazy and just assuming that we will never get pg on our own-and it will be our only option. But I can't help researching adoption agencies and wanting so badly to request information from them. But I know I need to wait. All in God's time....that's what I have to tell myself.....I'll know when its right...and God will tell me. Mike is by no means against adoption. But he wants to exhaust all TTC methods first. Me-if we can't get pg on our own.....I want to jump right to adoption. :) It's crazy...sometimes I'm the more pushy one :)

Rough Night

I was doing so well yesterday...and then it was time to go to the store, pick up a baby gift and head to the hospital. I am so absolutely thrilled for M & P. But on the inside my heart was breaking. I almost didn't even hold her when we got there. Mike did and he asked if I wanted to and at first I just said no....and then after about 15 minutes he asked me again, and I took her. I couldn't help but notice how beautiful she was. So perfect. And then I remembered....I'm never going to have this. I'm never going to be in the hospital enjoying the company of all of our visitors coming to see my baby. I'm never going to make that phone call announcing the birth, I'm not going to be able to watch my husband cut the cord. I'm so devestated.

Talk about a roller coaster of emotions for me. Yesterday all day I was fine. I thought about it, ALOT, but emotionally I was holding up ok. Then last night I went down hill. Once we left the room I cried walking to the elevator. Mike just hugged me. He knows how hard this is for me, and I know he's going through the same thing-but really I wonder how are we going to move on from this? It seems so impossible right now.

A few days ago I had NO hope that they would find any sperm. But now, thats all I can do is hang on to is hope. I HOPE and PRAY that tomorrow we have some answers and they say-"I think there is a chance." I will hold on to that chance until we here-there is nothing.

Ugh...I hope today is better than yesterday....

I didn't cry this morning!!!

I cried last night-but I was able to get up this morning and not cry!!!! That's a pretty big accomplishment since I've cried more than not over the past few days. At least thats how I feel.

I'm angry and bitter, and hurting....all of which are normal I would imagine, but I still hate feeling like this. In time-I'm hoping and praying for peace and strength to get through this...for now-just taking it one day at a time.

Mike and I talked about the HD position. He doesn't want to do it. I'm a little frustrated about it-because I feel as if it its basically FREE money being handed to us! But he said he's got to much on his plate right now-and he can't devote the time needed for it. While I'm thinking-yes it would require time...but not nearly as much as he is expecting. But he said we need to think about what is emotionally best for us not just financially. While I'm trying to think about both. I'm doing a lot of prayign about it. I really really think its a good fit for us...so I'm just hoping that God leads us in the right direction. And if we're supposed to to it that Mike has a change of heart. The money would be unbelievable and I'd feel so guilty about just letting it slip away from us.

Mike actually asked me yesterday-if I knew now what I did when he asked me to marry him-would i have still said yes!!! I was floored!!! I cried and said OF COURSE!!! Why wouldn't I?!?!?! I love him more today than I did on our wedding day-and just because we can't have biological kids together doesn't mean that I love him any less!!! I was hurt that he would even ask me that...but I think its the guilt of it all thats getting to him and I have to let him deal with that guilt in his own way-but the question was still shocking.

He also said he was thinking of not coaching this year. That floored me as well. He LOVES coaching and he said without knowing what is going to happen in the next few months as far as tests go for him and any possible surgeries he just feels that he can't devote 100% to it.

So for anyone that reads this....please pray for us. We need strength and we need guidance and we need peace. This is by far the hardest thing we have EVER dealt with. Our marriage will be stronger because of it-but for n0w-we need all of the extra help we can get!

Lord Give Me Strength

I hate feeling this way! Feeling like part of me has died. Feeling like part of my husband has died. I feel like crawling into a hole and not coming out for a very long time. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm Pissed! I want to know why!!?!?!?! Why us? Why do we have to go through this!?!?! I know we will never have that answer, but for some reason God has chosen us to go through this. Maybe its a test, maybe its just a road block, I don't know-but regardless I'm angry-and I don't like being angry.

Mike to be expected is very down. I think we needed today off almost more than yesterday. It's like today is harder than it was yesterday almost. I cried right when I woke up...and Mike just held me. And I cried more. It's not fair!! It's so not fair!!

I got to work today and I was greeted by a voicemail from our HD here. She wanted to know if Mike and I would consider bing HD's here on campus. My first thought was maybe...it would be a good opportunity-and great money! No housing costs-heck yea! So I texted Mike...he is less than thrilled about the idea. He said its just to much to soon. To much stress and to many decisions. I completely agree-but i know this option won't come up again anytime soon. I want to at least think about it-he's not so sure.

We need strength. We need prayer, we need guidance, we need support. We are so lost right now. So lost, so frustrated, so hurt. I want to tell so many people, but I don't want to tell anyone at the same time. I don't know what to say. I see babies all over and I wonder if I'll ever have one. I see pregnant women and I know i will never be one. I see dad's walking next to there kids on the bike and I hope and pray that one day Mike will get that.

"Lord give me strength to get through this."

Broken...

We are Broken. Not kind of broken-we are very very broken. I should have known something was very wrong when Dr. Z called me at home on a Sunday night. I thought maybe he had a preop question....but then I realized he called me from his home...my heart was racing.

He had the results from Mike's SA and wanted to tell me before my lap. There was nothing. No Sperm. I didn't know what to say-what to do-how was I going to tell Mike? I just said What? Are you sure? He said they checked the sample 3 times and found nothing. None that were even dead. He apologized over and over again.

I decided to cancel my lap because of it. Originally we thought we were dealing with endo and that was it. So he wanted to do a lap and HSG to clear my tubes. However, since we obviously have a severe MFI problem he said it was still up to me on whether or not i wanted to have it...but because of the MF if I wanted to treat the pain i was having with medication and have an ultrasound when I O to see the tubes and any cysts-he was more than willing to go that option. Obviously it is far less invasive.

We cried and cried and cried somemore last night. We can't have kids. I say that in my head as I type it and it still doesn't seem real. But it is....Mike and I will never have biological children of our own. It utterly and completely breaks my heart that i will never feel the kicks of my baby inside me. I will never have the thrill of calling my family from the hospital saying we had a boy or girl. I will never have an ultrasound and see my baby on the screen sucking his or her thumb....I feel like part of me has died. A part that I have never met before.

Mike is taking it really really hard. I would trade spots with him in a second if I could, but he told me he wouldn't-even if he could. He feels awful...he kept apologizing last night-like it was his fault. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!! I kept telling him that...but its going to take time for him to realize that. There is NO ONE to blame for this-although I would love to lay blame on someone for this! IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!! IT'S SO NOT FAIR that we have to go through this!!!!

I didn't go to work even though I didn't have my lap. Mike and I needed a day to spend together and just kind of let it all sink in. I don't know what I'm going to tell my boss tomorrow when she realizes that I didn't have the surgery. I don't even care right now. I just care about Mike and I and getting through all of this. Its going to be so hard to do....we've got a long road ahead of us...but we agreed last night-God has his plans for us. And we just need to pray for acceptance of what those are. And strength to accept whatever they are. Regardless.....we are devestated today. Tomorrow is a new day and we'll deal with tomorrow when it gets here-but today-we grieve for the baby that we will never have.

Preparing for my Lap

It's on Monday-I'm less than excited for it. I know how much pain I was in after I had my gall bladder out....I can only hope its not that bad.

Mike had his SA on Friday. I'm hoping we have results by Monday. Dr. Z said he would call the lab and he would tell us the results. So I'm hoping we can get them on Monday while I'm still at the hospital in recovery.

I've had a to do list written up so Mike can help me get somethings done before Monday. He's been so helpful! I've been a cleaning machine which is usally what I do when I get stressed out. So if anyone wants to see a clean house-now is the time to stop by. :)

Not sure what feelings I have for Monday. Usually I have a gut feeling when something is wrong...but I'm so indifferent about it. I think he will find something, just don't know how bad its going to be. I think I'm more anxious about Mike's SA than anything. At least I can be "fixed." If there is something wrong with Mike....we are put into a whole different rhelm of TTC.

I love My BFF!!!

Seriously-I couldn't be any more lucky than to have her. I told her via email about all of our TTC troubles. I've told her bits and pieces in the past..but I finally came clean about EVERYTHING earlier this week. (It sucks she lives about an hour and half away-it makes it hard to see each other when we are in need of girl time.)



She responded to the email and just sent her love and support and wanted me to know that she was here for me. She's a L&D nurse and soon to be Nurse practioner-so this is one smart girl-and she's been able to give me pointers and ideas about medication etc.



She came today from an hour and a half away and brought me flowers!!! I knew she was coming through-real quick on her way to her parents-but I wasn't expecting those. They are so very pretty! :) I took this with my phone.
It's so great to have her to talk to. I haven't really told anyone else. I want to-but I don't want a pity party- So for now-she's 1 of 2 people that know besides Mike and I. She's amazing!!

SA on Friday...

And I'm kinda nervous for Mike. I know he's nervous to find out the results as well. He said something last night..."at least you can be fixed! I can't! If I don't have good swimmers there is nothing we can do!" So I know he's really concerned that there will be something wrong. I told him...if so-that's the cards we were dealt and we will deal with it. We'll get through it and we'll figure something out. God has his plans and they are bigger than I could ever imagine they were going to be.

The anticipation of Monday is starting to get to me. Although I try not to think about it to much-its hard not to. I'm assuming by Monday we would have the results of the SA..and with my lap being that day-it could be dooms day depending on what they find. However, trying to think positive...it could be much BETTER than we are hoping. So I'm trying to think positive about it-but in reality-I'm petrified...and worried that everything is not OK.

Told Mom

I don't know why I was so scared to talk to my mom about our potential IF. She was so amazing-like I should have known she would be. I called her this morning-after I had been emailing her back and forth. I just felt like I had to tell her about my lap on Monday. So I told her about how Dr. Z thinks I have endo and about Mike's SA on Friday. SHe was so understanding and just kept telling me that God has his plans and we have to remember that. Our plans may be different-but his plans are the ones that really matter. She was very sympathetic about it. She feels very bad for me-she knows how badly we want kids.

She's glad I'm having it taken care of. And that I'm seeing such a good dr. I told her how great of a dr. he is and that I really trust his judgements. ANd she was reassured with that.

I feel such a huge load off of my shoulders now that i told her. I asked her to not say anything to anyone except Dad. I'm just not ready for EVERYONE to know about it yet. Why? I don't know...but I'm just not ready to completely come out yet. Not sure what Dad's response will be.. but knowing Dad he'll be sympathetic. It's a stressful time right now. With Mike's SA on Friday and my lap on Monday I'm nervous and worried and stressed. Mike has been great. Trying to joke about having to do a SA-as awkward as it will be...he kinda laughs about it. I asked him how he would feel if the results weren't very good...and he said he'd be disappointed-but he'd have to remember that God made him this way for a reason-and there is a baby waiting for us out there somewhere. I cried....I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!! He always knows the right thing to say.

Appointments....

We are hoping to get Mike's SA appt for next week. I'm just waiting for a call back from the clinic. Dr. Z's nurse is so nice....she offered to make the appt for us. She said that can be an awkward phonecall to make-so why don't I just make the call for you? OK! I'm not going to argue.

My lap is scheduled for the 21st at 8am. I posted about this on the nest-and everyone said I should be prepared to take at least 2-3 days off. I only planned on taking the day of off. But I guess we'll see how I feel. If I didn't come in the following day right at 8 it wouldn't be a big deal-I just don't know how much recovery time i'm going to need. Everyone is different so I think we're just gonna have to play it by ear.

These emotions all feel so new to me. My anxiety levels are SKY HIGH! I'm nervous all the time and paranoid and stressed. Why? I'm sure my B/P is high to-which isn't good for me but I can't help it. It's just the way I feel these days. I'm hoping after my lap results and Mike's SA come back-it will subside. At least then we'll have a plan or some kind of DX.

No-I'm NOT PG! BUT THANKS FOR ASKING!!

Who does this!?!?!?

I was sitting at my desk and a coworker came in and said I've been preoccupied today. (Gee-ya think.) Although to her defense she knows nothing about my IF...she says... "Are you pregnant? Cause when I was pregnant-I was preoccupied and kind of dazed for the first few weeks."

No-I'm not pregnant-but thanks for asking!

Nothing like pouring salt in the wounds!!

Not such a Good Day

I'm truly jumping on the infertile wagon. At least I feel that way. :( I cried and cried and cried some more last night.

First of all...my Dr. is amazing. Very kind...very compassionate...very determined to help me. There wasn't much of an exam-just mostly health history....and a lot of talking about me-and my pain-and different issues. But as I suspected...he's about 99% positive that I do have endo. I wasn't to surprised when he told me...but hearing a dr. say it-was kinda tough. I have a lap scheduled for the July 21st. He didnt' want to guess what stage it was....since he didn't want to worry me or give me false hope-but he said a lap was necessary. He suspects that its a bit more advanced based on my age and our length of TTC. I guess we'll see what he finds.
We also talked about Mike. And his health history. His first step-get a SA done. I was hesitant to even talk to Mike about it. Not that he wouldn't do it-but we've talked about it before-and I know it would be such a cut to his ego if there was anything wrong with him. Obviously I wouldn't hold it against him...I LOVE HIM and we'll get through it-but I know it would be hard on him. When I talked to him last night-he was actually much more calm about it then I thought he would be. I was kinda nervous to bring it up-but he said since you have to be cut open-I can do this. So in the next few weeks I've got to make that appt. Our schedules are so tough right now-and since he has to go to Fargo to have it done-that makes it all the more difficult. But it needs to be done-so we'll figure something out. Hopefully it will be done relatively close to by Lap..so we can get all the results within the same week or so.

Part of me really thinks that we do have MF. It would make sense since he was a premie..and he did have the issues when he was born...so it would make sense..I just hope its not as bad as it could be-if that truly is the problem. I was very bitter yesterday. Very bitter for the first time. I cried and cried and Mike just held me. I told him how broken I feel and how all I want to do is have a baby-why is that so hard!?!?!?! He just held me. It was not an easy night by any means. I fell asleep in his arms...crying.

Today is the day-and I'm really really scared!!!

My appt. with Dr. Z is at 3:30 today. I'm petrified!!! Why?!?! I dont' know-but I am. In a way I'm excited to finally have some answers, but in a way I'm terrified to find out that its something much worse then what we were thinking. Mike asked me this morning if I wanted him to come with-at first I thought yes..but then I re-thought and I decided I need to do this on my own. As a friend of mine always says: "Put your Big Girl Panties On-and do it!" So I'm going to do it. I've met Dr. Z before-and he's a very nice man-but its always a bit unnerving seeing a new dr. for the first time-esp. a male dr. who is supposed to deal with female issues. Something about that-sounds crazy...I mean-really how much could they really know. :) I'm sure it will go smoothly-and I probably won't have any answers today, but its a start...and I'm looking forward to crossing the finish line!!

Busy-crazy-insane week

WOW! Thats all I can say! Thank goodness for a 3 day weekend!! Mike and I are headed out of town to Minneapolis for the weekend to see my fam! I'm super excited!! It is sure to be a good time!

With the exception of work being very busy this week because of alumni events and being short 3 staff, Mike and I added to our family on Monday. We are fostering a 10 week old lab/german shepherd cross. He is a complete doll. Here are a few pictures. They were taken with my camera so not the best quality-but his cuteness shines through. :)