Broken...

We are Broken. Not kind of broken-we are very very broken. I should have known something was very wrong when Dr. Z called me at home on a Sunday night. I thought maybe he had a preop question....but then I realized he called me from his home...my heart was racing.

He had the results from Mike's SA and wanted to tell me before my lap. There was nothing. No Sperm. I didn't know what to say-what to do-how was I going to tell Mike? I just said What? Are you sure? He said they checked the sample 3 times and found nothing. None that were even dead. He apologized over and over again.

I decided to cancel my lap because of it. Originally we thought we were dealing with endo and that was it. So he wanted to do a lap and HSG to clear my tubes. However, since we obviously have a severe MFI problem he said it was still up to me on whether or not i wanted to have it...but because of the MF if I wanted to treat the pain i was having with medication and have an ultrasound when I O to see the tubes and any cysts-he was more than willing to go that option. Obviously it is far less invasive.

We cried and cried and cried somemore last night. We can't have kids. I say that in my head as I type it and it still doesn't seem real. But it is....Mike and I will never have biological children of our own. It utterly and completely breaks my heart that i will never feel the kicks of my baby inside me. I will never have the thrill of calling my family from the hospital saying we had a boy or girl. I will never have an ultrasound and see my baby on the screen sucking his or her thumb....I feel like part of me has died. A part that I have never met before.

Mike is taking it really really hard. I would trade spots with him in a second if I could, but he told me he wouldn't-even if he could. He feels awful...he kept apologizing last night-like it was his fault. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!! I kept telling him that...but its going to take time for him to realize that. There is NO ONE to blame for this-although I would love to lay blame on someone for this! IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!! IT'S SO NOT FAIR that we have to go through this!!!!

I didn't go to work even though I didn't have my lap. Mike and I needed a day to spend together and just kind of let it all sink in. I don't know what I'm going to tell my boss tomorrow when she realizes that I didn't have the surgery. I don't even care right now. I just care about Mike and I and getting through all of this. Its going to be so hard to do....we've got a long road ahead of us...but we agreed last night-God has his plans for us. And we just need to pray for acceptance of what those are. And strength to accept whatever they are. Regardless.....we are devestated today. Tomorrow is a new day and we'll deal with tomorrow when it gets here-but today-we grieve for the baby that we will never have.