I've realized that if I don't allow myself to have sad/bad days then I'm just penting up all of those emotions inside of me.
Today is a day where I'm just sad....angry, frustrated, confused, lonely, and just plain pissed. I allow myself these feelings, but while I'm feeling them I'm praying for God to take them away. I don't like feeling this way, but I know God has done wonders with me since I'm no longer feeling the intensity I was a mere 65 days ago when our lives turned upside down, and my heart was ripped apart and stomped on and then ran over by a freight train....at least thats how I invisioned it. It's a day when I look back on our wedding day and remember how happy and excited we were to be husband and wife and how excited we were to start a family together. Now that all seems so far away....
Part of today is the realization that a few friends of ours are due in the next few months as is my younger sister. I remember when she got married that I told myself that I will be a mom before I'm an aunt again. I was wrong.....VERY WRONG. While I love being an aunt to my 3 beautiful nieces, and the one on the way, I long for the feeling of love for my baby. I know in my heart that I love my baby where ever he or she is. I love them already...how that is possible-to me is a true act of God, but I long for holding him or her, rocking them to sleep, and watching Mike hold them, play with, cry with them, and be the best dad in the world.
There are days when I feel like its never going to happen, but then I step back and think it will and that I'm being allowed to feel like this so I know how much I will truly love my baby when they do come into our lives.
If there was one positive thing that I can say has come out of this situation it is that God has truly done amazing things to our (Mike and my) relationship. I have never felt more in love with him then I do these days. I sit and think about how much I love him and get excited when I realize that I get to see him in just a few short hours. I look at him when we are together and think how lucky I am to have someone who loves me as much and as unconditionally as he does. I know in my heart that I have always felt that way, but I truly believe that God has done things to our relationship over the past 2 months that are so amazing. We are closer now then ever before, and I know that in situations like this-its not always the case. I know I'm blessed when it comes to Mike...and I know God has allowed me to have these feelings to remember things like this...
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8 comments:
I'm so sorry you're having a day like this. I know those days very well. The pregnancy announcements are probably the toughest for me. You and Mike are very lucky to have each other. It's difficult not to be angry, sad, frustrated, etc. Be hopeful again soon and know that you still have so much to look forward to!
I'm sorry about the day, but you're right... you just have to have them.
And God did very similar things in my relationship with Joey. I look at him and love him and need him in a way I never knew before.
I, too, am sorry and also know how these days so well. I wish I had the perfect advice. Really, I don't. But I have found, after a good night's rest, things seem better the next day. Cling to your wonderful husband for support - and use this time to make lasting memories for you and your dh. I am the same way with BT, there are literally times I am so giddy in love with him, I wonder how I could possibly love someone THAT much! Trust me, God makes no mistakes and ALL of this is a part of His wonderful plan. Keep your baby longing alive - because you will be blessed. We all will!
((((((( hugs ))))))))
Pep
I boy do I remember those days! I dreaded seeing those birth announcements. God has blessed you and your dh..with eachother and pretty soon with your child.
Cling to God and your dh. You are on a powerful journey and the destination is priceless.
((HUGS))
Michelle
Every time I read your blog, Erin, I come to see more and more just how beautiful you are. God has blessed both you and Mike with so much. Remind each other of that every day. Hugs.
Im so sorry for days like these..they are hard to get through. Being able to put strength in my relationship with Mook and God really made a big difference.
Hoping for smiles for you today...and lots of days to come=)
I hate those kinds of days but you're right you need to feel it. I completely agree, this whole journey has definately brought us closer and I can't imagine my life with out D. I don't know why we have to go through this but, God has a plan for us and one day it will all make sense. (((HUGS)))
I came here from Eileen's blog. Like you, so many times over the last 4 years people who started way after us have 1 and now 2 children. It's gut wrenching, I know this part stinks. I don't really have any advice just empathy.
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