WIll it EVER be our turn???

Seriously?!?! EVER?!?!?! I'm usually a patient person...one who knows that God has his plans, and that his plans trump anything I had in mind...but right now I'm feeling very impatient. Random comments from the weekend don't help anything either though.

Last night Mike and I went to meet up with a friend of mine.....we haven't seen her and her husband for about 8 months...and she recently emailed me telling me she was PG. She had no idea about our IF....and I didn't want to rain on her parade and tell her last night-so we agreed we wouldn't-unless we really felt that the time was right....well....it didn't go as planned....

We saw an old co-worker of ours at the same place...and as "T" is talking about how she is a little over 10 weeks pg....the old coworker looks at me and says....Erin...you have to be ready to pop a baby out pretty soon-when are you gonna get knocked up? Um-really?! Did you honestly just say that? So I politely look at her and tell her that we are planning on adopting. And that we are starting the process in the spring. She then asks--WHY? Feeling a bit violated I look at her and just said this is the path God has taken us on. "T" in the meantime is looking at me shocked and wondering why I hadn't told her. My old coworker continues to pry and she asked why we are adopting. It's not like we are ashamed of our situation-but its a private situation-not something I just share with everyone I know IRL. (Keep in mind by this time-Mike "went to the bathroom.") So-I open up a bit-and just say that Mike and I found out we more than likely can't have kids. So we are choosing to adopt. Old coworker proceeds to say...."well is this one of those situations where they tell you-you can't have kids-and you end up pregnant anyways?" I was shocked. I say: "well if that happens-great....but we aren't going to count on that happening." She says-well what kind of situation can be that bad where you can't have kids ever....I look at her and say having no sperm along with severe endometriosis is a sure fire way not get pregnant. Thanks for asking. She says-oh...well can't Mike have surgery to fix it....I said he is-but even with surgery-our odds are stacked against us about a mile high. So we aren't counting on it. She says oh...and walks away.

I was dumbfounded and so upset after that. I haven't been that upset in a long time-but seriously....who says comments like that-so cold, insensitve, and harsh. I was crushed when I went home.....absolutely crushed and it felt like salt was poured into the wounds all over again.

Days Like Today

I've realized that if I don't allow myself to have sad/bad days then I'm just penting up all of those emotions inside of me.

Today is a day where I'm just sad....angry, frustrated, confused, lonely, and just plain pissed. I allow myself these feelings, but while I'm feeling them I'm praying for God to take them away. I don't like feeling this way, but I know God has done wonders with me since I'm no longer feeling the intensity I was a mere 65 days ago when our lives turned upside down, and my heart was ripped apart and stomped on and then ran over by a freight train....at least thats how I invisioned it. It's a day when I look back on our wedding day and remember how happy and excited we were to be husband and wife and how excited we were to start a family together. Now that all seems so far away....

Part of today is the realization that a few friends of ours are due in the next few months as is my younger sister. I remember when she got married that I told myself that I will be a mom before I'm an aunt again. I was wrong.....VERY WRONG. While I love being an aunt to my 3 beautiful nieces, and the one on the way, I long for the feeling of love for my baby. I know in my heart that I love my baby where ever he or she is. I love them already...how that is possible-to me is a true act of God, but I long for holding him or her, rocking them to sleep, and watching Mike hold them, play with, cry with them, and be the best dad in the world.

There are days when I feel like its never going to happen, but then I step back and think it will and that I'm being allowed to feel like this so I know how much I will truly love my baby when they do come into our lives.

If there was one positive thing that I can say has come out of this situation it is that God has truly done amazing things to our (Mike and my) relationship. I have never felt more in love with him then I do these days. I sit and think about how much I love him and get excited when I realize that I get to see him in just a few short hours. I look at him when we are together and think how lucky I am to have someone who loves me as much and as unconditionally as he does. I know in my heart that I have always felt that way, but I truly believe that God has done things to our relationship over the past 2 months that are so amazing. We are closer now then ever before, and I know that in situations like this-its not always the case. I know I'm blessed when it comes to Mike...and I know God has allowed me to have these feelings to remember things like this...

Yummmmmm..........Sugar Free Mocha

I forgot my coffee this morning at home...so I went to our coffee shop here at work. And I now have a new favorite coffee....Sugar Free Chocolate Carmel Mocha. Oh MY....SOOOO GOOD!!

I was thinking it was going to be a bad day with no coffee...but now I'm set-and its SO GOOD! :)

Just had to share! If anyone is looking for a good coffee beverage.....try it out-you are not going to be disappointed. :)

Why Us????

I saw this on Pep's blog this morning....she saw it from someone else's and now I found out it :) First-who ever wrote this....WOW!! I would love to give you a hug and say-YES!!! EXACTLY!!! Secondly...Thankyou for putting the words down so we can all read them-and share them with those around us....

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"Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "Adopt and you'll get pregnant." Of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.

"These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment.

What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and me to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper.

I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when He handed me infertility. I already know."

NAUGHTY NAUGHTY PUPPY!!!

Sig, my sweet little rescue puppy...he's such a naughty naughty puppy sometimes....

Not only can he shred an entire box of kleenex in a matter of seconds, he can empty a small garbage can and spread it all over the entire room in a very short period of time, practically open the refrigerator if it is completely closed, if not completely closed he can wedge his nose in to keep it open to find whatever he can to eat...carrots are his favorite...AND HE CAN JUMP ON A BED AN PEE ON IT-WITH NO ONE KNOWING ABOUT IT!! (That was a nice gift he left us yesterday-and I was so happy to find it at 10:30 at night....ALL OVER MY NEW SHEETS AND DOWN COMFORTER!!) And...he can wait until we are sound asleep to jump on the bed....so he can sleep in "comfort." Since the pillow on the floorwith the blanket that he drags all over the place aren't enough.

I was so ready to send him back to where ever it is that he came from last night...then he looked at me-gave me that little head tilt with the big brown eyes and came and licked my face.

Yet-I love him anyways....but sometimes I really wonder how?!?!?!?

Reason 1,243,569 Why I LOVE my Nieces

My nieces are the cutest little girls ever. I'm not biased at all!!! :) They are seriously so adorable! I don't get to see them nearly as often as I want to as they are about 350 miles away with the rest of my family.

My sister who is a hair stylist told me this story awhile back-and I just saw pictures today-so I had to "write" it down so I don't ever forget it.

My younger sister Katie (the stylist) was talking to one of my other sisters about Locks of Love and how she had someone come into the salon and cut of 12 inches for locks of love. My niece the 4 year old wanted to know what locks of love was. My sister explained to her that it was when people cut there hair to give it to other people and kids who don't have hair because they are sick. So my niece (who has been PETRIFIED to cut her hair because she thinks it will hurt) asks why people lose there hair when they are sick. So Katie tries to explain to a 4 year old without scaring the crap out of her that sometimes big people and little people get very sick and they need medicine and some medicine they get makes there hair fall out. This is her response:

"Well thats so sad...Auntie Kiki (what they call her) cut my hair. I want all little girls to have pretty hair. They can just have mine. Mine will grow back." My heart melted.

Then my 3 year old niece who does everything her 4 year old sister does-was inquisitive as well-so Katie explained to her as well how kids sick and sometimes their hair falls out... etc etc. My 3 year old niece says..."Ok-you can cut mine to-I don't mind. My hair will grow back."

HOW AMAZING IS THAT!!! I know grown adults who can't do that but 3 and 4 year old nieces will cut there hair to give it to complete strangers who are sick!!! Ugh...I'm tearing up all over again thinking about it!! So both of them did it!! I guess when they are kids Locks of Love doesn't need as much hair.....but my nieces hair grows so fast-so they each took about 10 inches off....and off it was sent-for a beautiful little girl to have. Because as my nieces said-"Mine will grow back."

Our Decisions are OUR DECISIONS

I was reading another blog this morning and it weighed on my heart because what she is feeling is very similar to what Mike and I are going through. So I feel compelled to write about it.

When Mike and I found out in July that his SA contained no sperm we were devestated. Cried a lot, and then cried some more. Mike immidietly made an appt. with his urologist and we went through all of the tests that he had to go through. When the dr. suggested surgery to see if there were any sperm present through a biopsy, and if so, to repair the damage that was done, at first we jumped on the wagon with high hopes that it would work. Then when we found out the chances of it working were extremely low-we stepped back and re-evaluated everything. We are still going ahead with the surgery-but still going to pursue adoption. We know that our chances are low so we don't want to sit back and do nothing....but we know that if we don't do it-we will always wonder what if....

One of the hardest parts for me and him has been explaining to certain people in our lives what our plans are. We feel compelled to tell them because obviously we want support, but when the responses are unsupportive or rude, we wonder why we even said anything at all. People don't understand that we may still change our minds and not do the surgery (unlikely-but that's why we are waiting until November, to give us plenty of time to think about it.) They don't understand that the chances of this working are VERY LOW and that we more than likely will never have a biological child of our own....AND WE ARE COPING WITH THAT! We don't understand why people act as if our adopted baby will not be as much of our own child as a biological baby will be. We don't understand why people can't just understand that our decisions are OUR DECISIONS and that regardless of what you say, or the horror stories you FEEL INSISTENT on telling us regarding adoption, we still are going to pursue it. We don't understand why you must tell us to go through more treatment to pursue our own biological child before going forward with adoption. For Mike and I, its not just about being pregnant, its about becoming parents. We know in our hearts that adoption is a path we must take. We know there is a beautiful child out there that will be ready and waiting for us when the time is right. But please, do not tell me to pursue all of the IF treatments in the world so we can have a biological baby. Those treatments are not for us....we have agreed to do the surgery and let God work and do what he wants to do. He has his plans-and we have accepted that.

Our decisions are Our decisions. You may not agree with them, you may not understand them, you don't have to. All we ask is for your support and encouragement along the way. We know that its going to be a very LONG road. A road that is going to be painful at times but overwhelmingly joyous at others. Regardless of the time, we need our family and friends to support us. Please don't question every decision we make. After all-they are OUR DECISIONS.

I LOVE MY TRAFFIC FEED! :)

Ok...I know that I'm not reading everyone's blog that is reading mine.....

So post here...I'd love to know who you are!! There are a few in my neck of the woods who I'm interested to find out exactly who you are. So if you would like an extra reader...post here and let me know! :)

Our Plan

Or lack there of....or kind of plan...or whatever-I guess it's "kind of" a plan...

Mike and I have talked a lot -about all of the different options. We are in such a tough spot and we really don't know what to do. But regardless-this is where we are at....

Mike is unsure about having the surgery-for a few reasons-but this being the main point-it more than likely isn't going to work. We will be taking a pretty big chance and just kind of HOPING that it will work. For the simple fact that the dr. gave us significantly less than a 50% chance of conceiving has just made us really wonder if this is just the way its is supposed to be. (I've gotten a lot of crap for saying that-so please remember-this is my blog-and I'm entitled to feel the way I do...hence why I'm writing it.) And even if it does allow for the sperm to make it through...we have no idea what the motility, morph or count will even be. More than likely at least 1 if not all 3 will be effected.

Here's the next dilemma....the emotional strain/rollercoaster that this will cause. We were told 2 months ago that we couldn't have kids. So we've been dealing with that-but really started to get excited about adoption. Yes we are still dealing with the anger, frustration, and sadness of infertility, but adoption was really becoming exciting to us. We had begun researching agencies, and grants, etc. And it was something that we were excited about-not to mention HAPPY about! Now with this-it's like it gives us some hope again...hope that we had taken away...hope that we rely on-and then live month to month again wondering if this is the month that we get pregnant. Neither one of us really knows if we want to basically feel like we are starting TTC all over again! It's such a rollercoaster when you know from the get go that the odds are against us.

But that brings me back to "the plan." Mike will more than likely go ahead with the surgery-at least as of now. The scheduler actually called us today and it may not be as long of a wait as we thought..but its still gonna be a little while. She said we could do it at the end of the month....but Mike needs more notice for work since he'll be out for about a week. So we're thinking October or November. But that's gives us time to think about it-and if we change our mind-we change our mind....BUT-in the meantime-we are going ahead with adoption. We will continue researching agencies and requesting info...etc. This way-since we're looking at probably at least the end of the year before we would know the surgery worked (via SA) we don't just sit back and waste the time. Neither Mike nor I are ones who can just sit back and do nothing nor do we want to have faith in false hope. We want to feel productive and we want to feel like we are moving closer to becoming parents.

So that's the plan...

I'm Angry...

I'm not even going to deny it. I'm angry. I'm SO ANGRY! Why us? Why!?!?! What did we do to deserve this? I'm so hurt and confused and frustrated! I want someone to give me one good reason why it is so hard for us to become parents. I feel like we are being punished for something! But yet-I don't know what!

Everyone that knows about our IF has told us that we'll be great parents one day! That's great-but how come people who can become great parents can't have a baby-but the meth addicted stripper, or the mom who drinks her entire pregnancy, just to have a baby that will grow up in a neglectful and/or abusive home can have one without any trouble! I just don't get it!!!

I WANT ANSWERS!! And if one more person tells me-Just adopt then you will get pregnant for sure! I will probably come completely unglued. I mean if by a miracle that happened-fine-we would be beyond thrilled-but honestly-that is NOT something you tell someone when they are going through such a rollercoaster of emotions!

Today is just a hard day-a very hard, very bad day.

Moving on to Surgery

Mike's appt was this morning. Dr. has decided that he wants to do surgery. His 2nd SA came back the same as the first-none. Hormones were fine. So the dr. has decided that he wants to go ahead with surgery. He'll do a biopsy right away to find out if there are even any sperm present-if not-the surgery will end there. If there are-he will see what he can do to repair the damage that was done.

The dr. thinks that basically something was cut when his hernia was repaired during his surgery when he was 2. If he can fix it-there is less than a 50% chance that we will ever conceive. But even if he does "fix" it-its up to biology to see if things are going to work.

I can handle that I guess-it's this waiting game that I absolutely hate. The dr. was honest and said that his surgery schedule is quite full and it could be a few months before he is able to get him in. A FEW MONTHS!!! WE HAVE TO WAIT MONTHS!!! I almost fell over when Mike told me that!! Now-maybe it will be sooner-we'll find out the beginning of next week. His scheduling nurse wasn't in today-and he told him that she would call next week-but to plan on it being a few months out.

So here we sit-still not knowing where are lives are going to lead us. We were hoping for more definitive answers today. Thats what we were told at the last appt. Guess we'll stop believing that. I just want to move in one direction or another. Even if they do the surgery-and he "corrects" it....there is still less than a 50% chance. So we do take that chance...and TTC for another few years-or move on to adoption right away. UGH!! I HATE THIS!!! I hate IF, I hate the unknown. IT SUCKS!!!

7 Years Ago Today....

I was told by my parents that 9/11 would be our equivelent to where were you when JFK was shot....both events that you will NEVER forget. So where was I? I was a sophomore in college. I got up for my 9:30 ethics class-and turned on the tv-to see the 1st tower on fire. Literally about 20 seconds later I watched as the 2nd plane hit. I thought I was watching a replay, when in reality I was watching the 2nd tower on fire. I remember thinking-oh my gosh, those poor people-and praying so hard that as many of them as possible would make it out alive. Not knowing the extent of what was going on in the world I went to class. Only to hear more and more that this was the start of war. We had been attacked by terrorists. I was angry, scared, and sad. My ethics professor brought in a tv and felt that it was an appropriate time to try and have us focus on learning about ethics when something that catastrophic had just happened. He said if we wanted to go back to our dorms we could-or we could watch the coverage there in class.
Most of us didn't move-we just sat glued to the tv. Not long after-the first tower fell. Tears streamed down my face. Those poor people. So many of them you knew couldn't have made it out alive. Then, a short while later-I went back to my room-and again was glued to the tv. I didn't move for hours. I called my mom-just to tell her I loved her, then I called my dad and did the same thing. I was so scared. I was 350 miles away from my parents-but felt as if I was a world a part. My mom was at work-and she hadn't seen any of the coverage yet. She was to scared to look at things on the internet for fear of what she would see.
My boyfriend at the time called me-him also being 350 miles away just called to see how I was doing. Knowing me-he knew I would be scared and upset. We talked for awhile...said our goodbyes....but I remember thinking that I wanted nothing more than to be at home with him and my parents.
I watched as the 2nd tower fell and I remember the news breaking in to tell us the pentagon had been hit and then the other plane that crashed in a field in Pennsylvania. Is this it? Is the world ending? What is going on!!! I was so scared! Classes were cancelled for the rest of the day. An email was sent out to the students saying that we needed to stay in our dorms and pray. I did. I don't know how many rosary's I said that day-but prayer was comforting.
In the days following I remember sitting at my desk in my dorm looking out the window to see fighter jets flying pretty low. I forget that this state has missle tanks. Great! What's next! They flew over head for months. I will never forget seeing the airforce emblem on the tails and thinking of my dad. He retired as a sargeant just a few short years before-and 1 week before 9/11 he received a letter in the mail asking if he would come out of retirement and work on base in to train. He had decided he would. He called the Lieutenant-couldn't get through-and never heard back. THANK GOD! I don't know what I would have done if my dad would have gone to war. He was activated for the first Gulf War-I couldn't comprhend him going again.
Now 7 years later I sit in my office...right across the hall from where I watched the tv of the towers falling. It's eary. 7 years have passed, but honestly-I remember the details of it all as if it were yesterday.

Tomorrow is it...

Tomorrow we will find out FOR SURE which direction our life is going....It's going to go 1 of 2 ways....

Surgery to repair the damage
or
Adoption

It's scary to think that tomorrow is the day we've been waiting for-for 2 months! But honestly-I'm so ready to not live in limbo anymore! My heart is already with adoption...so I feel as though God has already taken me there. But I know Mike's heart is still holding on to the hope that maybe it can be fixed-whatever the problem is. We have our theories...but we'll find out tomorrow for sure.

So say some prayers....for peace, for acceptance, for strength. Cause tomorrow-I think I'm going to need all of it-but Mike more so than me.

I'll update after the appt. It's in the morning....so we should knowbefore noon.

"hail mary" Appt on Thursday

It will probably be the last appt. with the urologist unless Mike's SA comes back differently (highly unlikely) or the dr. wants to run more tests. Since we were completely up front and said that IVF wasn't an option for us it limits what he can do. Since in reality, based on what we've read, the chances of anything being reversed are so slim, we are thinking this will be the last appt. Who knows, miracles do happen and maybe there was some HUGE lab error-oh wouldn't that be one for the books, but again, we aren't holding out hope. We are even contemplating going to an adoption seminar this weekend. So it seems as though the realization that I will never physically carry a child is becoming more and more realistic. It still hurts, actually its gut wrenchingly painful, but we are dealing, a day at a time we are dealing.

But until Thursday-we are still thinking...Maybe....Maybe one day there will be a baby....our own biological baby. After Thursday-we will more than likely think something else...but until then-I at least have hope-not much hope-but some hope.

Sick puppy....

When we got Sig we knew he was a rescue-and that he came from an awful situation...brief history:
He was rescued from 4 teenagers who were in the process of stoning him to a point of unconsciousness, once he was unconscious they were going to hang him. When the woman who whitnessed this told them she wanted the dog-they said no-she insisted and asked what they wanted for it...they said Cigarettes...so she bought them a pack of cigarettes-and she took the dog. Hence his name--Sig. (Short for cigarette-we felt that since in his case cigarettes saved his life-they should be his name sake. :) ) THANK GOODNESS SHE FOUND HIM!! Cause we wouldn't have him now and we LOVE him dearly!

Regardless, when he was found-he was about 7-8 weeks old-and was very tiny..only about 7 pounds, very dehydrated, very weak, and needed food and a good bath. Who knows how long he had been out in the "wild" for. He had been abandoned-probably because he was the runt-at least we think. He was full of ticks and had a bad case of worms.

***Warning..weak stomachs do not read on***

Fast forward to now. Sig has turned into a happy and healthy puppy! He's fattened up (in a good way) and his a complete love! (that's what I call my pups-my little loves.) Well this weekend-I noticed something wasn't quite right with him...he was more tired than usual-and while he would eat-he wouldn't drink...and honestly-this dog would drink the well dry if I let him. Then Saturday he had a few vomitting episodes...that continued into the middle of the night when he started vomitting up worms. YES WORMS!! My poor puppy has a terrible case of worms. Luckily I was able to get him into the vet right away this morning to get him a dose of dewormer. Where one might ask did he get these worms-who knows!! We just had him at the vet 10 days ago to get neutered and the test she did then was negative-so somehow over the past 10 days he got them from somewhere. Hopefully the dewormer does the trick and I won't be cleaning up worms anymore. Ugh...to make matters worse I was sick all weekend-and with a weak stomach-seeing that did NOT help me at all!!

Here's to hoping that I have a worm free puppy in a few days!!

This is the picture of him a few weeks ago...how could anyone hurt this little guy!!!

And now-him and Daisy....Friends for Life!! :)

More Tests.....

Well we made the 180 mile (round trip) travel for another SA and more tests. The urologist wanted Mike to have 1 more round of tests done just to make sure that we are actually dealing with the results that we first got. Which I guess I'm ok with...but the $$$ aspect of it kinda sucks. We got the insurance statement yesterday for the first round of bloodwork and SA and office visit and it was well over $400. He meets with him next week for the results-but we aren't expecting anything different-nor is the urologist. Since the urologist believes that the damage was done when he was so young (around 2) he really doesn't feel that he will be able to reverse anything or do anything for us. So we are starting to deal with that-and actually having that finalization in a sense or at least a feeling of finalization is making things a bit easier. Granted next week maybe we'll get some drasitically different news-but we really aren't expecting it.
On the way home today we started talking about baby names. It was kinda fun-we haven't really let ourselves do that for awhile. So agreed on a few....but of course they will change-cause they always do. :)

Realization..

This will be yet another childless holiday season...

Ugh...I hate today...I wish I would have just stayed in bed...

Alone...

I feel so alone these days. I don't mean alone in the fact that no one is with me-I feel emotionally alone. A little over a month ago when Mike and I got the devestating news about our inability to conceive a child on our own we were just that-devestated. We didn't tell a ton of people right away-but we did tell some within a week or so after. We told those that were closest to us...so mainly our family and a few of our VERY close friends.

Lately though it just seems like no one cares though. I mean-I don't expect the pity party-nor do I want it..but is it so hard for someone to ask-How are you guys doing? How are you holding up? Instead I hear about all the babies in there life-or in there tummy and how uncomfortable they are and how miserable the heat is on them. Then I hear about how awful it is they are due in the middle of winter and how they won't be able to leave the house. Or I hear about how there best friend or sister or neighbor-or who ever just had the most beautiful baby. Gee-thanks!! I needed to hear all of those things. Not that I want people to completely sensor there conversations around me-but when its a one on one conversation-how about steering away from the baby talk. How about not telling me how uncomfortable you feel when I would absolutlely give ANYTHING to feel the way you do!! I would love to feel uncomfortable if it meant being able to have a baby with my husband.

I feel like since its been about 6 weeks since we got the news people expect that we should be over it and have dealt with it-and just have just moved on. Ummm-no-not even close actually. We still cry at night when we think about not being parents "the old fashioned way." We still get sad and depressed when someone talks to us about there pregnancy, we still are upset when someone tells us they are pregnant while on the outside we are acting happy for them. IT SUCKS!! Someone actually told me-be thankful you don't have to go through the uncomfortableness of pregnancy. REALLY?? Be thankful!! How about you being thankful for that life growing inside you and being able to experience it. Cause really-I'd be a lot more thankful than you are acting right now.

Ugh...it's a day-a bad day-on the outside I appear fine-but on the inside I'm just being torn apart. My heart has been broken. And piece by piece I think one day it will get back together. But even after we adopt-I still think that we will long for the children we never had.