Delayed Reactions

I feel like I'm having a delayed reactions to all of my feelings. I feel like these things should have been fealt along time ago-but instead of feeling them now.

I tell myself sometimes that I'm numb...that nothing really phases me. I don't always feel like I'm feeling as sad as I should about a situation, or like I feel as happy as I should. I don't consider myself depressed-becuase usually I'm a fairly happy person all things considering.

But the past few days I just can't shake these feelings. The feelings of sadness, grief, anxiety, lonliness, a fear that I'm/we're being punished. I know we're not-but there are times when thats the only answer I can give myself as to why this has happened to us-is that we are being punished-although I know in my heart that doesn't make sense-but in my mind it does.

When I sleep-I sleep really well-but I wake up every few hours and start thinking about our baby. I think about him or her all the time it seems like. I think about our birthmom and I wonder who she is and what she is doing. I think about how lucky I am to have all of the blessings I do in my life....but is it so wrong to want a baby to be one of those blessings.

I feel like I should have moved on from these feelings by now. We were dx with IF back in July-I find myself as a person who deals with things quickly...and then I just like to put those feelings away somewhere....but IF has been different. Everyday lately has been a constant reminder that we don't have children yet, and that we might not for awhile.

One of my favorite quotes in the world comes from Mother Theresa....."I know God has a plan, I just wish he didn't trust me so much." I know God trusts me....I just wish he moved as quick as I want him to with the plans he has for us. :)

Feeling Kinda Down Today....

Don't know why in particluar. I mean-nothing new has come up. We are still in limbo with our Birth Mother....we have no idea where she stands-and I think I'm just letting the possibility that could have been a mom in just a few months go. But I have been for a few weeks now-at least I think I have been.

Infertility is truly a rollercoaster of emotions. There are days when I feel on top of the world-and I don't let infertility bother me. I stay positivie and I try and keep the thought in my head that I will be a mom, someday I will be. Then there are days like today when I just feel upset and bothered and angry at times that 2 people who want children more than anything can't have them. It just doesn't seem fair to me. I know God has his plan-but it is still frustrating to not understand it.

Mike has been down the past few days. I know he is feeling the sadness, anxiety, and stress of the fact that we were so close to being parents-at least we felt we were close by everything we were hearing, and everything she was telling our friend...that we really thought this might be it. I think the reality has kind of set it-that it might not work out.

I feel more bad for him I think than anything-because I know he feels responsible for how I feel and my sadness at times-when he shouldn't because its not his fault. It's just a matter of time before I have a lap to remove my endo. So even if he was fine-I'm still not-and I think we would still be trying to conceive...

Another aspect of my sadness comes from the fact that people tell us....just adopt then you will for sure get pregnant. I think over the weekend I heard that about 5 times. What don't people understand?!?! WE CAN'T GET PREGNANT!!! There is no way-besides a true miracle from God that we will ever get pregnant.

I'm also tired of hearing the well I know how you feel...we struggled for 3 months to get pregnant, or I know how you feel because we might have trouble getting pregnant one day, or the ever famous-pregnancy really isn't all that great...your not missing out on much. Really....I think having a baby is pretty great....you of all people should know-you already have a beautiful child in front of you.

I know unless you are truly struggling with Infertility you really don't know what it is like. To be told that you will never have a biological child of your own-is not something you ever want to hear. I want nothing more then to look at someone who says-I totally know how you feel and say..."Really?! When were you diagnosed? When did you get that awful gut wrenching news? How many times have you and your husband cried yourselves to sleep over it? How many times have you held your husband as he's cried in your arms because he feels responsible? How many times have you gone to the dr. with your husband just to have him humiliated by having to give a Semen analysis?" That might seem so harsh-but it's days like today when I really honeslty would love to shake those people who say things like that.

I know its days like today when I just need to sit back and pray for strength, wisdom, understanding not only for myself but for all of those who are ignorant" for lack of a better word when it comes to talking with people dealing with IF. I would rather have someone look me in the eyes and tell me they don't know what to say to say those words. Ugh.....

I just need a good cry....and maybe a good hug from my husband.....and a little extra strength from above today.

Stressed, Overwhelmed....and Exhausted

I've been thinking about posting something this week-since it has been quite the rollercoaster, but could just never force myself to do it, even though I spend about 90% of my work day at my desk.

This week....ugh-what a week. Let's have a brief recap....although I'm sure this one is going to turn into a short novel...

Last weekend...woke up with a sore back-nothing to alarming-I've had back problems my entire life. I've just grown with the fact that I always will.

Woke up on Monday-could barely move-and my left arm was numb-I figured it was time to call the chiropractor-made the call-couldn't get in until Tuesday-DOH!

Tuesday-go to the chiropractor-find out I have 3 vertebra (sp?) out and my hips are out by 3/4 inch. My chiropractor says-child birth will be a breeze-because these injuries don't just happen....you've been like this for awhile-you must have an extremely high pain tolerance if you haven't been in here sooner-you'll be that girl with no drugs! If you only knew lady-if you only knew....child birth won't ever be happening for me....but oh well-just make my back not hurt. I wasn't going to get into that conversation today.

Tuesday night-we get the news. Our BM is having reservations about the situation. Well let me rephrase that....she's not-but her family and the BF are not supporting the decision. She knows that she can't keep this baby, but her family is trying to convince her otherwise-all the while knowing that it will be her responsibility-not theres. BF says he's going to help-but he's not taking care of the several (yes several) children he already has. And he's a felon-and in and out of jail. Why he is going to take care of this child-if he hasn't taken care of the other ones. Plus-he lives in a different state-so if she moves to his home state....she will be leaving any sense of stability that she does have. She has still said that she wants to meet us...but we are much more gaurded then we were before. We know this may very well not turn out the way we want it to. But my heart aches for her. I can't imagine what she's going through....I just wish she could find the support she needs.

Wednesday.....my work load increased by two-fold. It is our busiest time of year-and while my mind has been with the BM-I'm finding it tough to focus at work and be the productive person I know I need to be.

Thursday...went with Mike to his work for Family night. All I see all over-BABIES. Many many babies. I know everyone of those women and men-love there children with there whole heart, but sometimes I wonder if the realize just how blessed they are. They are able to have children, more than one even-maybe even 4 or 5! Do you realize how blessed you are?!?!?! That's what I wanted to say when I hear a few of them was complaining about the lack of sleep they got the night before-because some of there babies woke up a few times to eat. I would give anything for that-but please don't complain to someone who want's more than anything to wake up to hear that baby wanting nothing more than there mom or dad to feed them and hold them...because feel blessed that you are a mom and that you have the baby that needs you. (and yes-they know about our IF.)

That leads me to today-it's going to be another busy day-but at least it's Friday-and I have the weekend to relax.

I do want to add something...by reading this-some may think that I am angered or upset by the average person who can conceive naturally without any trouble-like most of my friends are. I'm not saying that at all-because I WOULD NEVER WISH IF ON ANYONE!!! NEVER!!! What angers me-are those people that can get pg very easily.....and who do not appreciate what they have. They don't appreciate how lucky and blessed they are. As tired as you may be at 3:00 am when your baby wakes up for the 4th time-praise GOD THAT YOU HAVE THAT HEALTHY CHILD!!! PRAISE GOD THAT YOUR CHILD HAS THE FOOD TO EAT!!! GIVE THANKS THAT GOD BLESSED YOU WITH THAT CHILD!!! Do I know a Mother's Love? No-not yet, but the love I have for my child that I don't even have yet is only a fraction of what I will feel later when I'm holding him or her in my arms for the first time. But the first thing I will be saying is PRAISE GOD FOR THIS MIRACLE.

Our Birthmom.....I Wonder Who She Is...

I think about our birthmom a lot. I wonder who she is, what she looks like, what she likes to do. I think about how she is feeling (if she is pregnant yet), I think about how old she is and what her favorite color is. I wonder what color her eyes are, her hair....I think about her a lot. I pray for her everyday and I really hope that where ever she is she knows how much I genuinely care about her and love her already-even though we have truly never met.

If she's pregnant right now what is she thinking about? What is she feeling? What are the thoughts that are going through her head. Is she being kept up at night by the kicks of the baby? Or is she going through morning sickness and the stage of pure exhaustion? I think about this a lot-and I wonder....just for a minute-if she's already made the decision to give her child up, does she think about us?

I don't know how you can ever show appreciation to someone who is going to give you the most amazing gift anyone could ever give. It amazes me the amount of pure unconditional love she will have for this little baby. To look at this beautiful little child and say-I love you so much that I'm giving you to someone who can take care of you the way that I want to but can't. Ugh...my heart breaks for her as it leaps for joy for me. Does that make sense?

How can something so unbelievably happy for us, be so devestating to others? That just doesn't seem fair!

Brrr.....and other ramblings

So I wake up this morning to watch the Today show-and get ready for work-normal routine for me. They are updating my current weather-and what do I hear....-57 BELOW!!!! CRAZINESS!! That has to be wrong! It can't be THAT cold out....yep-sure is....BRRR. That's all I can say. I don't remember in my life ever being as cold as it is today. Such is life I guess...makes me very thankful for HEAT!!

Other ramblings of mine include....well not much. This weekends project-our portfolio. I'm going to attempt to make a scrapbook for our potential BM to look at when we meet her. What will it all include-I HAVE NO IDEA...but its gotta be done. Everything I've read and everyone I've talked to has said to bring this with when we meet her so she can see what we are like. She can see pictures of our family, and see who we really are. So I will start that this weekend...let's hope and pray it goes well...I'm not a very artistic person. And this sounds crazy-but I really don't know how many pictures Mike and I actually have together. I mean-we have a fair share-but I'm usually behind the camera. So that will prove to be a bit challenging.

Other than that....not much new to report! :)

I've been Tagged!

So here we go....

The Rules: Go to your My documents or where ever you store your photo's. Go to the 6th folder and pick out the 6th picture. Tell us a story about that photo.

This is my Monster Man...or My Menace to Society....or Sigamonster....or little man....or my Little Love....my Naughty little puppy or Sig. Any of the above will work.....

His real Name-Sigmund....yes as is Sigmund Freud....and yes-he is a Mommy's boy-like NONE OTHER! :) This has to be one of the first days we got him. On Daisy's pillow....can you tell we have 2 black dogs??? He looks sweet and innocent...but let me tell you....HE'S NOT!!!

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I feel the need to tell a little bit about my Sigamonster. He's honestly a sweet little puppy. He really is.....MOST OF THE TIME....he may be sweet-but he's not so innocent. :) Sig came to us in July of 08. We already had Daisy-our 1 year old black lab. We were NOT in the market for another puppy. Daisy was trained, and we were getting ready to start her therapy dog training. (Which she has completed!!) We were totally content with just having her. AGAIN-WE WERE NOT IN THE MARKET FOR ANOTHER PUPPY!! However, Mike had heard about a yellow lab that had been dropped off at the local humane society-about 6 months old. Mike has always dreamed of having a yellow lab-named Duke. So Daisy was a comprimise-because I wanted a black german shepherd. So we got a Black Lab and named her Daisy Duke. :) We call her the ultimate marital comprimise.

Anyways...when we looked at the human society website-that cute little yellow lab was already adopted out..thankgoodness! I hate the thought of poor innocent little puppies or dogs in general living in a shelter. However, connected to the humane society webpage was our local animal rescue page. Mike and clicked on that page-just to take a look-thinking maybe that little pup was on there....nope no such luck. BUT staring at us off of our computer were those big dark eyes that you see in the above picture. They looked so sweet. Then we read his story-and I got teary eyed. Sig was found on reservation within the state that I live in. A woman was driving through and stopped at a gas station to see 6 teenagers stoning this little puppy. She could hear him whelping with each stone and stick that was thrown at him. She went over-picked up the pup and told them she was taking this puppy. She couldn't bare to watch him die like that. He was shaking-and crying-after all he was only around 6 weeks old! They argued...and she said she would pay them for the dog-they didn't want the money-what did they want instead-Cigarettes...so she bought a few packs of cigarettes and she took the dog-so we affectionately call him Sig...short for Cigarette. :) Only seemed fitting.

We originally were only going to foster him-but after a few short days-we knew that we couldn't give him away to another family. He was SO ATTACHED to Daisy-and Daisy was to him. So we kept him. And he's been with us ever since. :)

But a little info on Sig..he's a quick little thing. He can destroy a box of kleenex in a matter of seconds. A roll of toilet paper-NO PROBLEM-Destroyed to shreds in a minute or less. Socks HIS FAVORITE THING! He has a habit of digging into the laundry basket and finding every sock he can-and bring them to his kennel or pillow. Not to chew on them...only to keep them close to him. Shoes...HE LOVES SHOES. I've lost a few pair to his puppy teeth. If you have seen the movie Marley and Me or read the book-Sig is Marley in a different color. They are one in the same. Couch cusions, pillows, blankets, chewed through them all. But yet-I love that little thing so much. How....somedays I wonder-but regardless....I love him. I can't imagine my life without him :)

I Tag:

Kristi & Erica

Kind of a rut....

Why is it that things in life that really shouldn't bother you do....and the things that should bother you don't....I've been pondering that one a lot lately...here is why.

I find myself in a rut lately. Not a rut where I'm down and depressed-but more of a rut with the world around me. I find myself dwelling on things that really shouldn't bother me. Things that I can't control-and things that really shouldn't matter-but for whatever reason in my mind lately-they do matter.

For example-why do I care if someone doesn't like me. I'm not a perfect person-and I need to remember that not everyone is going to like me. But I think what is frustrating-is that in my heart I do try to be a very good person. I try to be a person who is loving, caring, and there for her friends anytime, anyday. A person who prays for her friends just because I want to....a person who loves life and tries to get those around her to be happy. So what is it about me that some people don't like? I don't know....and I can't control there feelings-so why is it that at times it bothers me and others it doesn't? It shouldn't-and I know that-but in reality it does-but I wish it didn't.

I know this is something I really really need to pray about-and I do. But it still seems so hard on me sometimes-and I really don't like feeling like this. I don't like feeling negative or seeming like a negative person so how do I tell myself that others opinions don't matter? It seems so much easier said then done! I really do try to be a good person, and in my heart I know that I'm a good person-perfect-absolutely not-but a good person yes.

So this is something I need to pray more about.....pray for knowledge on how to accept these things, pray for peace, pray for wisdom, and pray for acceptance of these difficulties....and even more than that-no matter how bad these people can make me feel-I need to pray for them. Because maybe they need prayer just as much as I do. God can do amazing things....if we just ask him for a little help along the way.

UPDATE :)

I stopped to see Mike over my lunch break...he just got done visiting with "T."

BM wants to meet us in about 3 weeks!! Her therapist has recommended that she completes her 4 weeks of counseling and then takes the next step! Since she knows that adoption is the path she wants to go on....she knows she wants to meet us-but would feel best if she finished her counseling. I'm so glad she is going through the counseling. As far as we know-she's not meeting with any other couples....It is such a relief to me that she is going to counseling and that she has knows what is best for her at this point in time. I can't even imagine how she is feeling...but I know that I love her so much already. If she chooses us, I can't even begin to imagine the amount of love and support I will have for her. She's giving us the most amazing gift. And she's giving her baby the most amazing gift-the gift of life...and love.

Ugh...I get teary eyed just thinking about this. I could be a mommy!

A POSSIBLE MATCH!!!

A POSSIBLE MATCH!!!!

In my previous post I mentioned something about how a GREAT thing happened the last week of 2008. I hesitated to blog about it...but have decided to do it. It is none the less part of our journey to our baby...so I feel that it is only appropriate that I "write" it down to remember every step of the way. So yes....you read that correctly-we have a POSSIBLE match.

Any of you have been following my blog know that we have yet to send in all of our paperwork for the agency, but have rather been enjoying our time together and looking forward to the year ahead and all that it will hold. So you may be asking...HOW CAN THIS BE!?! Trust me-I've asked myself that question many many times.

This is what we know:

A friend of ours whom we will call "T" approached my husband about 2 weeks ago and said she had been thinking of us for a few days....a co-worker of her husband was in a bind. Her daughter who is 20 years old is pregnant and wants to give the baby up for adoption. She had moved across the country not long after highschool...and as "T" put it...made a few bad choices, and is now pregnant. Knowing that abortion was not an option, she swallowed her pride and called her mother for help. Her mother immediately told her to come home and welcomed her with open arms. "T" after talking about the situation for quite sometime told her that there are many many couples in the world who are waiting to adopt and that she would get the names of a few good agencies...since obviously we had researched several. Her daughter is hesitant to use an agency for several reasons, and the grandmother mentioned that. She said that her daughter would much rather not use an agency, but rather just a lawyer. Immediately "T" thought of us..but didn't want to say anything until she got the OK from us. So she talked to Mike at work the next day. OF COURSE WE SAID TELL HER ABOUT US!!! So the next day she saw BM and grandma....and told her about us. BM was VERY EXCITED. She said she was so glad to hear about us. And that she knows she can't keep this baby and she can't expect her mother to help....AND THAT SHE WANTS TO MEET US! My heart leaped out of my chest when I heard "T" say those words.

BM said first though she wants to finish her counseling that she has put herself in. While she knows that adoption is the path for her she needs to know that all of the emotions she is feeling right now are totally normal and she needs to get some of those thing off of her chest first. Which I'm really glad she is. Through a lot of the reading I"ve done....every book says that counseling is best for birthmothers. We wouldn't even go with an agency that didn't provide counseling to the birth moms....we think its very important.

So the birthmother said that she wants to meet with us...after a few more weeks of counseling. But she kept saying over and over how excited she was to meet us. When Mike called to tell me I was shaking. Crying, smiling, laughing...EVERYTHING. COULD THIS REALLY BE HAPPENING!!!! She's around 12-13 weeks along-and due mid July.

Of course in my mind I'm trying to let myself get attached...but if any of you have been through this you know its hard not to get excited and attached in some way. But again, we know that this might not work out and she may not choose us, or she may decide to parent herself...but at the moment-we have hope-and we have a POSSIBLE MATCH! The situation itself PERFECT!!! It would require no travel, she would like a semi-open adoption, with pictures and letters. (She plans on flying back to the state she moved to after the baby is born.) Again-a PERFECT situation...I just hope its not too perfect.

Since we've started the adoption process I've been praying for our birthmother. Praying for her to make the right decisions for her health and her babies health, and for strength, and for her to have acceptance for what God wants her to do. I know God is hearing my prayers...now the question is-is this the birthmom I've been praying for???

Goodbye 2008...Hello 2009!

Now that 2008 is gone....I can honestly say that it was probably the worst year of my life. Every year I start the new year with such high hopes that it will be a great year of many happy exciting things...but in 2008 I can honestly say-nothing great wonderful and exciting sticks out in my mind...except for one thing last week-and we will touch more on that in a later post. Obviously there were good things that happened-and I'm not saying nothing good happened-but for the most part it wasn't a good year.


But with that said we have decided that 2009 is going to be a great year. We are buying a house in the next few months....and starting the adoption process in the spring-and maybe, hopefully adopting our first child. It has to be a good year with all of those things happening! DOESN'T IT?!?!?! Yes it does! I'm not allowing myself to think that 2009 could be as bad as 2008. Since I'm putting 2008 to rest....I will say it was terrible, awful, and stressful, and nothing could have made it worse...so 2009 is sure to be a GREAT YEAR!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!