I hate that phrase! I understand what you're going through...or yea-I know what you mean.
Do you?!?!? Do you really understand the emotional rollercoaster of infertility and never having a child of your own. How could you? You have a baby already!
I don't want a pity party and I don't want you to tell me that everything is going to be ok -if I just adopt. I don't want you to tell me that you know what I'm going through because you have a certain "condition" and you think you may have trouble down the road TTC. I don't want you to tell me that you can relate to how I'm feeling. The sense of loss the sense of worthlessness, the sense of being broken and not being able to be "fixed." You don't understand and you can't understand-so don't tell me you do.
Vent over....
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
How do I deal with it?
Thats what everyone keeps telling me. Just take time to deal with this and you'll know when you're ready to move on. Ok..thats a great thing to think of but how am I supposed to deal with it? I don't know how or what I'm supposed to do. I had a really good couple days...I was upbeat and positive and the idea of Adoption excited me. (Or at least I thought it did...maybe it was the idea that Adoption should excite me-excited me.) Now today-its like I've taken 20 steps back and I'm getting knocked down to the ground again. I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm bitter, and annoyed and I don't like it-but I don't know how to deal with it.
It doesn't help that some people aren't being as supportive as I thought they would be. Granted some have been really really great-and I thank God that those people are in my life, because its people like them that will give me the strength and support to get through this. It is others that make me feel like what we are going through is no big deal-and why can't you "just adopt." Well if it was a matter of "just adopting" don't you think everyone would do it? As Rachel said: "Allow them some dumb time." :) So thats what I'm going to do. Maybe if they see me again in a few weeks and me not being "over it" and ready to "just adopt" they will understand that there is a grieving process that needs to happen first. But I'm finding that I don't know how to grieve.
I mean-I know that the feelings of sadness and anger are normal, but I dont' know what to do with those feelings. I try and funnel them into prayer in hopes that I can just lift them up to Jesus and just tell Him to take away the pain, or give me peace to deal with the pain...but really can't there me an instruction manual or something?
So if anyone knows of a good book that I can read to understand the pshychological aspect of IF I would really appreciate any recommendations.
Until then....
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things rightif I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next.
Amen.
It doesn't help that some people aren't being as supportive as I thought they would be. Granted some have been really really great-and I thank God that those people are in my life, because its people like them that will give me the strength and support to get through this. It is others that make me feel like what we are going through is no big deal-and why can't you "just adopt." Well if it was a matter of "just adopting" don't you think everyone would do it? As Rachel said: "Allow them some dumb time." :) So thats what I'm going to do. Maybe if they see me again in a few weeks and me not being "over it" and ready to "just adopt" they will understand that there is a grieving process that needs to happen first. But I'm finding that I don't know how to grieve.
I mean-I know that the feelings of sadness and anger are normal, but I dont' know what to do with those feelings. I try and funnel them into prayer in hopes that I can just lift them up to Jesus and just tell Him to take away the pain, or give me peace to deal with the pain...but really can't there me an instruction manual or something?
So if anyone knows of a good book that I can read to understand the pshychological aspect of IF I would really appreciate any recommendations.
Until then....
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things rightif I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him Forever in the next.
Amen.
Friday, July 25, 2008
GLIMMER OF HOPE!!!
Mike had a dr. appt this morning with his regular dr. that did refer him to a urologist. HOWEVER...WE DO HAVE HOPE!!! His dr. told him that he has seen this before, and it could be one of 3 things....
1. A SEVERE INFECTION
2. AN ANTIBODY THAT HIS BODY PRODUCES
3. A BLOCKAGE
All 3 of those things are partially if not fully treatable. PRAISE GOD WE HAVE SOME HOPE!!!!!
Thank you GOD!!
While we are trying to not get to excited, as we know what the outcome could be this is by far the highlight of our week. We have some hope...something to hang on to!!!
1. A SEVERE INFECTION
2. AN ANTIBODY THAT HIS BODY PRODUCES
3. A BLOCKAGE
All 3 of those things are partially if not fully treatable. PRAISE GOD WE HAVE SOME HOPE!!!!!
Thank you GOD!!
While we are trying to not get to excited, as we know what the outcome could be this is by far the highlight of our week. We have some hope...something to hang on to!!!
My Heart Aches Today
It hurts so badly. For so many reasons. I'm mourning a child I will never have. I'm angry, frustrated, bitter, sad, confused and I'm asking the question why? Why us? No one should have to go through this pain, but at the same time I wonder why God chose us to go through it.
It hurts for Mike and I and our relationship. It is strained. It is being pulled to the max it feels like. We are fine one minute and the next I just feel as though he is annoyed and frustrated with me. And I know he doesn't mean to be that way, it is just his way of dealing with things, but it hurts when I feel like there is nothing I can do to console him but I want consoling as well. I'm hoping that he may start to open up to 1 of our very good friends over the next few days. They are some of our best friends and we love them dearly and I told them yesterday about everything. It is just a few days after they had there first beautiful baby. And she cried and cried. She now knows all that I will be missing out on, and she had no words to console me. Her husband and Mike are quite close as well, and I know Mike could really really use a good friend these days. Someone to talk to and lean on. Someone with strong Christian beliefs that will try and make him understand (although neither of us ever will) that God has his reasons and his plans for us. Someone besides his typical guy friends who will just make jokes about it as his heart is breaking. I feel so badly for him. I just wish that I could make him feel better. But there isn't. I can't buy him anything, take him anywhere, or give him anything that will make him realize that I love him with all of my heart and soul and that nothing that happens will ever change that. Nothing I can do or give or say will take away the pain he is feeling. All I can do is pray for peace.
Mike has another dr. appt today. For some reason I'm not feeling very hopeful. I want to feel hopeful, but I'm scared. I'm scared to have it all taken away in a matter of seconds. Yesterday I felt as though all I could do was hang on to that thread of hope. Today-I feel as though its already gone and there is nothing left.
"Lord Give Me Strength..."
It hurts for Mike and I and our relationship. It is strained. It is being pulled to the max it feels like. We are fine one minute and the next I just feel as though he is annoyed and frustrated with me. And I know he doesn't mean to be that way, it is just his way of dealing with things, but it hurts when I feel like there is nothing I can do to console him but I want consoling as well. I'm hoping that he may start to open up to 1 of our very good friends over the next few days. They are some of our best friends and we love them dearly and I told them yesterday about everything. It is just a few days after they had there first beautiful baby. And she cried and cried. She now knows all that I will be missing out on, and she had no words to console me. Her husband and Mike are quite close as well, and I know Mike could really really use a good friend these days. Someone to talk to and lean on. Someone with strong Christian beliefs that will try and make him understand (although neither of us ever will) that God has his reasons and his plans for us. Someone besides his typical guy friends who will just make jokes about it as his heart is breaking. I feel so badly for him. I just wish that I could make him feel better. But there isn't. I can't buy him anything, take him anywhere, or give him anything that will make him realize that I love him with all of my heart and soul and that nothing that happens will ever change that. Nothing I can do or give or say will take away the pain he is feeling. All I can do is pray for peace.
Mike has another dr. appt today. For some reason I'm not feeling very hopeful. I want to feel hopeful, but I'm scared. I'm scared to have it all taken away in a matter of seconds. Yesterday I felt as though all I could do was hang on to that thread of hope. Today-I feel as though its already gone and there is nothing left.
"Lord Give Me Strength..."
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Sometimes in your heart you just know....
Sometimes I go back and read my old posts to remember how I was feeling before all this happened. I came across this one....How ironic and strange and crazy is this???
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Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Adoption.....maybe...maybe not.....
Have you ever just been pulled towards something....something for your future-something that you feel so strongly about-but yet you can't figure out why exactly? Thats me......about Adoption. Since I was dating Mike and we talked about getting married and kids-I've thought about adoption and how much I would love to adopt a child one day. Its strange for me. Coming from a family of fertile myrtles I never thought we would have any trouble TTC. But now that we are the thought has been more and more on my mind. Its to the point where i wonder what he or she will look like-what the mother will look like-where they will be from......IT'S CRAZY!! Yet I feel so strongly about it.......I don't know-maybe i'm crazy and just assuming that we will never get pg on our own-and it will be our only option. But I can't help researching adoption agencies and wanting so badly to request information from them. But I know I need to wait. All in God's time....that's what I have to tell myself.....I'll know when its right...and God will tell me. Mike is by no means against adoption. But he wants to exhaust all TTC methods first. Me-if we can't get pg on our own.....I want to jump right to adoption. :) It's crazy...sometimes I'm the more pushy one :)
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Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Adoption.....maybe...maybe not.....
Have you ever just been pulled towards something....something for your future-something that you feel so strongly about-but yet you can't figure out why exactly? Thats me......about Adoption. Since I was dating Mike and we talked about getting married and kids-I've thought about adoption and how much I would love to adopt a child one day. Its strange for me. Coming from a family of fertile myrtles I never thought we would have any trouble TTC. But now that we are the thought has been more and more on my mind. Its to the point where i wonder what he or she will look like-what the mother will look like-where they will be from......IT'S CRAZY!! Yet I feel so strongly about it.......I don't know-maybe i'm crazy and just assuming that we will never get pg on our own-and it will be our only option. But I can't help researching adoption agencies and wanting so badly to request information from them. But I know I need to wait. All in God's time....that's what I have to tell myself.....I'll know when its right...and God will tell me. Mike is by no means against adoption. But he wants to exhaust all TTC methods first. Me-if we can't get pg on our own.....I want to jump right to adoption. :) It's crazy...sometimes I'm the more pushy one :)
Rough Night
I was doing so well yesterday...and then it was time to go to the store, pick up a baby gift and head to the hospital. I am so absolutely thrilled for M & P. But on the inside my heart was breaking. I almost didn't even hold her when we got there. Mike did and he asked if I wanted to and at first I just said no....and then after about 15 minutes he asked me again, and I took her. I couldn't help but notice how beautiful she was. So perfect. And then I remembered....I'm never going to have this. I'm never going to be in the hospital enjoying the company of all of our visitors coming to see my baby. I'm never going to make that phone call announcing the birth, I'm not going to be able to watch my husband cut the cord. I'm so devestated.
Talk about a roller coaster of emotions for me. Yesterday all day I was fine. I thought about it, ALOT, but emotionally I was holding up ok. Then last night I went down hill. Once we left the room I cried walking to the elevator. Mike just hugged me. He knows how hard this is for me, and I know he's going through the same thing-but really I wonder how are we going to move on from this? It seems so impossible right now.
A few days ago I had NO hope that they would find any sperm. But now, thats all I can do is hang on to is hope. I HOPE and PRAY that tomorrow we have some answers and they say-"I think there is a chance." I will hold on to that chance until we here-there is nothing.
Ugh...I hope today is better than yesterday....
Talk about a roller coaster of emotions for me. Yesterday all day I was fine. I thought about it, ALOT, but emotionally I was holding up ok. Then last night I went down hill. Once we left the room I cried walking to the elevator. Mike just hugged me. He knows how hard this is for me, and I know he's going through the same thing-but really I wonder how are we going to move on from this? It seems so impossible right now.
A few days ago I had NO hope that they would find any sperm. But now, thats all I can do is hang on to is hope. I HOPE and PRAY that tomorrow we have some answers and they say-"I think there is a chance." I will hold on to that chance until we here-there is nothing.
Ugh...I hope today is better than yesterday....
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
I didn't cry this morning!!!
I cried last night-but I was able to get up this morning and not cry!!!! That's a pretty big accomplishment since I've cried more than not over the past few days. At least thats how I feel.
I'm angry and bitter, and hurting....all of which are normal I would imagine, but I still hate feeling like this. In time-I'm hoping and praying for peace and strength to get through this...for now-just taking it one day at a time.
Mike and I talked about the HD position. He doesn't want to do it. I'm a little frustrated about it-because I feel as if it its basically FREE money being handed to us! But he said he's got to much on his plate right now-and he can't devote the time needed for it. While I'm thinking-yes it would require time...but not nearly as much as he is expecting. But he said we need to think about what is emotionally best for us not just financially. While I'm trying to think about both. I'm doing a lot of prayign about it. I really really think its a good fit for us...so I'm just hoping that God leads us in the right direction. And if we're supposed to to it that Mike has a change of heart. The money would be unbelievable and I'd feel so guilty about just letting it slip away from us.
Mike actually asked me yesterday-if I knew now what I did when he asked me to marry him-would i have still said yes!!! I was floored!!! I cried and said OF COURSE!!! Why wouldn't I?!?!?! I love him more today than I did on our wedding day-and just because we can't have biological kids together doesn't mean that I love him any less!!! I was hurt that he would even ask me that...but I think its the guilt of it all thats getting to him and I have to let him deal with that guilt in his own way-but the question was still shocking.
He also said he was thinking of not coaching this year. That floored me as well. He LOVES coaching and he said without knowing what is going to happen in the next few months as far as tests go for him and any possible surgeries he just feels that he can't devote 100% to it.
So for anyone that reads this....please pray for us. We need strength and we need guidance and we need peace. This is by far the hardest thing we have EVER dealt with. Our marriage will be stronger because of it-but for n0w-we need all of the extra help we can get!
I'm angry and bitter, and hurting....all of which are normal I would imagine, but I still hate feeling like this. In time-I'm hoping and praying for peace and strength to get through this...for now-just taking it one day at a time.
Mike and I talked about the HD position. He doesn't want to do it. I'm a little frustrated about it-because I feel as if it its basically FREE money being handed to us! But he said he's got to much on his plate right now-and he can't devote the time needed for it. While I'm thinking-yes it would require time...but not nearly as much as he is expecting. But he said we need to think about what is emotionally best for us not just financially. While I'm trying to think about both. I'm doing a lot of prayign about it. I really really think its a good fit for us...so I'm just hoping that God leads us in the right direction. And if we're supposed to to it that Mike has a change of heart. The money would be unbelievable and I'd feel so guilty about just letting it slip away from us.
Mike actually asked me yesterday-if I knew now what I did when he asked me to marry him-would i have still said yes!!! I was floored!!! I cried and said OF COURSE!!! Why wouldn't I?!?!?! I love him more today than I did on our wedding day-and just because we can't have biological kids together doesn't mean that I love him any less!!! I was hurt that he would even ask me that...but I think its the guilt of it all thats getting to him and I have to let him deal with that guilt in his own way-but the question was still shocking.
He also said he was thinking of not coaching this year. That floored me as well. He LOVES coaching and he said without knowing what is going to happen in the next few months as far as tests go for him and any possible surgeries he just feels that he can't devote 100% to it.
So for anyone that reads this....please pray for us. We need strength and we need guidance and we need peace. This is by far the hardest thing we have EVER dealt with. Our marriage will be stronger because of it-but for n0w-we need all of the extra help we can get!
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