Lord Give Me Strength

I hate feeling this way! Feeling like part of me has died. Feeling like part of my husband has died. I feel like crawling into a hole and not coming out for a very long time. I'm angry. I'm frustrated. I'm Pissed! I want to know why!!?!?!?! Why us? Why do we have to go through this!?!?! I know we will never have that answer, but for some reason God has chosen us to go through this. Maybe its a test, maybe its just a road block, I don't know-but regardless I'm angry-and I don't like being angry.

Mike to be expected is very down. I think we needed today off almost more than yesterday. It's like today is harder than it was yesterday almost. I cried right when I woke up...and Mike just held me. And I cried more. It's not fair!! It's so not fair!!

I got to work today and I was greeted by a voicemail from our HD here. She wanted to know if Mike and I would consider bing HD's here on campus. My first thought was maybe...it would be a good opportunity-and great money! No housing costs-heck yea! So I texted Mike...he is less than thrilled about the idea. He said its just to much to soon. To much stress and to many decisions. I completely agree-but i know this option won't come up again anytime soon. I want to at least think about it-he's not so sure.

We need strength. We need prayer, we need guidance, we need support. We are so lost right now. So lost, so frustrated, so hurt. I want to tell so many people, but I don't want to tell anyone at the same time. I don't know what to say. I see babies all over and I wonder if I'll ever have one. I see pregnant women and I know i will never be one. I see dad's walking next to there kids on the bike and I hope and pray that one day Mike will get that.

"Lord give me strength to get through this."

Broken...

We are Broken. Not kind of broken-we are very very broken. I should have known something was very wrong when Dr. Z called me at home on a Sunday night. I thought maybe he had a preop question....but then I realized he called me from his home...my heart was racing.

He had the results from Mike's SA and wanted to tell me before my lap. There was nothing. No Sperm. I didn't know what to say-what to do-how was I going to tell Mike? I just said What? Are you sure? He said they checked the sample 3 times and found nothing. None that were even dead. He apologized over and over again.

I decided to cancel my lap because of it. Originally we thought we were dealing with endo and that was it. So he wanted to do a lap and HSG to clear my tubes. However, since we obviously have a severe MFI problem he said it was still up to me on whether or not i wanted to have it...but because of the MF if I wanted to treat the pain i was having with medication and have an ultrasound when I O to see the tubes and any cysts-he was more than willing to go that option. Obviously it is far less invasive.

We cried and cried and cried somemore last night. We can't have kids. I say that in my head as I type it and it still doesn't seem real. But it is....Mike and I will never have biological children of our own. It utterly and completely breaks my heart that i will never feel the kicks of my baby inside me. I will never have the thrill of calling my family from the hospital saying we had a boy or girl. I will never have an ultrasound and see my baby on the screen sucking his or her thumb....I feel like part of me has died. A part that I have never met before.

Mike is taking it really really hard. I would trade spots with him in a second if I could, but he told me he wouldn't-even if he could. He feels awful...he kept apologizing last night-like it was his fault. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!! I kept telling him that...but its going to take time for him to realize that. There is NO ONE to blame for this-although I would love to lay blame on someone for this! IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!! IT'S SO NOT FAIR that we have to go through this!!!!

I didn't go to work even though I didn't have my lap. Mike and I needed a day to spend together and just kind of let it all sink in. I don't know what I'm going to tell my boss tomorrow when she realizes that I didn't have the surgery. I don't even care right now. I just care about Mike and I and getting through all of this. Its going to be so hard to do....we've got a long road ahead of us...but we agreed last night-God has his plans for us. And we just need to pray for acceptance of what those are. And strength to accept whatever they are. Regardless.....we are devestated today. Tomorrow is a new day and we'll deal with tomorrow when it gets here-but today-we grieve for the baby that we will never have.

Preparing for my Lap

It's on Monday-I'm less than excited for it. I know how much pain I was in after I had my gall bladder out....I can only hope its not that bad.

Mike had his SA on Friday. I'm hoping we have results by Monday. Dr. Z said he would call the lab and he would tell us the results. So I'm hoping we can get them on Monday while I'm still at the hospital in recovery.

I've had a to do list written up so Mike can help me get somethings done before Monday. He's been so helpful! I've been a cleaning machine which is usally what I do when I get stressed out. So if anyone wants to see a clean house-now is the time to stop by. :)

Not sure what feelings I have for Monday. Usually I have a gut feeling when something is wrong...but I'm so indifferent about it. I think he will find something, just don't know how bad its going to be. I think I'm more anxious about Mike's SA than anything. At least I can be "fixed." If there is something wrong with Mike....we are put into a whole different rhelm of TTC.

I love My BFF!!!

Seriously-I couldn't be any more lucky than to have her. I told her via email about all of our TTC troubles. I've told her bits and pieces in the past..but I finally came clean about EVERYTHING earlier this week. (It sucks she lives about an hour and half away-it makes it hard to see each other when we are in need of girl time.)



She responded to the email and just sent her love and support and wanted me to know that she was here for me. She's a L&D nurse and soon to be Nurse practioner-so this is one smart girl-and she's been able to give me pointers and ideas about medication etc.



She came today from an hour and a half away and brought me flowers!!! I knew she was coming through-real quick on her way to her parents-but I wasn't expecting those. They are so very pretty! :) I took this with my phone.
It's so great to have her to talk to. I haven't really told anyone else. I want to-but I don't want a pity party- So for now-she's 1 of 2 people that know besides Mike and I. She's amazing!!

SA on Friday...

And I'm kinda nervous for Mike. I know he's nervous to find out the results as well. He said something last night..."at least you can be fixed! I can't! If I don't have good swimmers there is nothing we can do!" So I know he's really concerned that there will be something wrong. I told him...if so-that's the cards we were dealt and we will deal with it. We'll get through it and we'll figure something out. God has his plans and they are bigger than I could ever imagine they were going to be.

The anticipation of Monday is starting to get to me. Although I try not to think about it to much-its hard not to. I'm assuming by Monday we would have the results of the SA..and with my lap being that day-it could be dooms day depending on what they find. However, trying to think positive...it could be much BETTER than we are hoping. So I'm trying to think positive about it-but in reality-I'm petrified...and worried that everything is not OK.

Told Mom

I don't know why I was so scared to talk to my mom about our potential IF. She was so amazing-like I should have known she would be. I called her this morning-after I had been emailing her back and forth. I just felt like I had to tell her about my lap on Monday. So I told her about how Dr. Z thinks I have endo and about Mike's SA on Friday. SHe was so understanding and just kept telling me that God has his plans and we have to remember that. Our plans may be different-but his plans are the ones that really matter. She was very sympathetic about it. She feels very bad for me-she knows how badly we want kids.

She's glad I'm having it taken care of. And that I'm seeing such a good dr. I told her how great of a dr. he is and that I really trust his judgements. ANd she was reassured with that.

I feel such a huge load off of my shoulders now that i told her. I asked her to not say anything to anyone except Dad. I'm just not ready for EVERYONE to know about it yet. Why? I don't know...but I'm just not ready to completely come out yet. Not sure what Dad's response will be.. but knowing Dad he'll be sympathetic. It's a stressful time right now. With Mike's SA on Friday and my lap on Monday I'm nervous and worried and stressed. Mike has been great. Trying to joke about having to do a SA-as awkward as it will be...he kinda laughs about it. I asked him how he would feel if the results weren't very good...and he said he'd be disappointed-but he'd have to remember that God made him this way for a reason-and there is a baby waiting for us out there somewhere. I cried....I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!! He always knows the right thing to say.

Appointments....

We are hoping to get Mike's SA appt for next week. I'm just waiting for a call back from the clinic. Dr. Z's nurse is so nice....she offered to make the appt for us. She said that can be an awkward phonecall to make-so why don't I just make the call for you? OK! I'm not going to argue.

My lap is scheduled for the 21st at 8am. I posted about this on the nest-and everyone said I should be prepared to take at least 2-3 days off. I only planned on taking the day of off. But I guess we'll see how I feel. If I didn't come in the following day right at 8 it wouldn't be a big deal-I just don't know how much recovery time i'm going to need. Everyone is different so I think we're just gonna have to play it by ear.

These emotions all feel so new to me. My anxiety levels are SKY HIGH! I'm nervous all the time and paranoid and stressed. Why? I'm sure my B/P is high to-which isn't good for me but I can't help it. It's just the way I feel these days. I'm hoping after my lap results and Mike's SA come back-it will subside. At least then we'll have a plan or some kind of DX.