We're back...rested....relaxed....oh wait...nevermind

Ok...well first of all I should say this-I feel so out of touch with blogland lately :) I mean-my life has been insane the past few weeks with work, traveling, my computer crashing 4 times and getting over 15 viruses and countless spyware files...my phone dying...I feel so out of touch with the world. But regardless....I'm back now-and hoping to be blooging more lately :)

Well we had a great weekend with my family. It was so nice to see them. We had a very nice talk with my aunt and uncle who adopted there youngest from South Korea about 20 years ago. It was SO NICE to talk to people who have been through it. Who know how it feels and who can relate to the ups and downs of adoption. I was a bit nervous as this was the first time I had seen my family since we found out about our IF issues. But, it was a really good weekend. Everyone was more supportive of our decisions than I was originally expecting. And now I feel bad about thinking they would think otherwise. I Love my family!! It was so hard to leave on Sunday. My neices made me cry. When we told them we had to leave, my oldest one looked at us and said she didn't want us to leave cause she didn't get to spend enough time with us. It broke my heart. (The night before she told us she wanted a cousin. I told her maybe next year...and she said-that was ok-she could make it work. :) She's only 4!!!)

Then the ball dropped when we got back....at least thats kind of how it felt. Turns out the insurance company was much quicker than we were expecting in processing our appeal. We had a letter waiting for us. Turns out they will cover Mike's surgery...but only up to $20,000. To bad it's going to cost between $30,000 and $40,000!!! I called them on Monday because I had a few questions about the letter and she said that $20,000 will go towards the lifetime maximum IF credit. So if there are any other appts in the future that are related to IF they won't be covered. Then she proceeds to tell me that if there are any complications, and if he ends up back in the hospital for an infection, or anything related to the surgery it wont' be covered because the surgery is elective. So at $2500 a day (minimum) for a hospital stay...we said we just couldn't do it. We can't afford that type of procedure when it might not work-and we are risking a lot of money on something that isn't gauranteed. However, we are going to go along with a biopsy. The biopsy will tell us 2 things. 1-that either he was born with or without sperm, and 2 if there are sperm present in the biopsy, then we know that there was definitely a mistake made during the surgery when he was 2. A biopsy is much less invasive and usually can be done under a local anesthetic vs. general.

So that's where we are at....it's all so weird to me. I asked Mike the other night-what ever happened to just having sex to get pregnant? He asked if that actually works? :)

We are really excited to be moving on to adoption. I mean-that is one thing that we feel we have some control over in our lives right now. In a lot of ways we have no control over it-but in some we do-and in the end-we know that we will have a baby-one way or another we will have a baby. And that is exciting.

I know God has given me the strength the last few months. I know I couldn't get through this without him. And for that-I'm eternally greatful for my faith. It is such a blessing to know that he has a hand in this. It might not be our plans, but they are his...and I know his plans are better than anything I could ever imagine. He has the perfect baby in store for us. It's just a matter of when we get to meet him or her.

Leaving Town...

For a long weekend. We are really excited...but I'm nervous to. We haven't seen any of our families (they live about 350 miles away) since our dx with IF. That may seem crazy since we are so close with our families...esp me with mine...but it just hasn't fit into our schedules...and when my mom asked if we wanted her to come up once we found out-I told her no...there wasn't much she could do...and we knew it was important for Mike and I to have time together.

We don't want our IF to be the center of conversation-but we know they will only ask questions because they care. We are trying to not think about it much over the weekend....but we know it will obviously come up a lot. But regardless-I'm excited to get home and see my parents, siblings and nieces. Sometimes-your mom and dad know just what to say-and sometimes just getting a hug from them makes things a bit better. And I know seeing my nieces will be therapeutic in a way. Something about how sincere little kids can be-just melts my heart. We will get good quality bonding time with them tomorrow. We are really excited about it.

So we're off for a long road trip with 2 dogs in the back seat...and a great weekend with the family. YAY FOR VACATIONS. (Even if they are small ones.) :)

What a Week...and Weekend...

Well last week wasn't a good week....thats an understatment I guess. I think for us-this had to be the toughest week since we found out about our IF.

We found out that Mike's insurance won't pay for his surgery. Why? Well-there is a clause in the insurance that says they won't cover any type of sterilzation reversals. Even though the original sterilization wasn't an elected procedure-they still won't cover it. So-yes we are appealing it-but the appeal could take up to 2 weeks....so we basically sit, wait, and hope. The woman at the insurance company didn't sound hopeful...only because she says that they can be strict when it comes to infertility coverage...but there is always a chance...so we are hoping that we here good news.

On a much BRIGHTER AND HAPPIER note...WE FOUND OUR AGENCY!!! :) We are really excited about it. We met with them on Saturday afternoon...and they are such nice people. The social worker of the agency met with us-and since her husband was in town with her, she asked if it was ok for him to come along to the meeting. I said of course! So the 2 of them met with us, and for me-it felt like we were talking to 2 friends of ours. It was such a relaxing conversation. They are a very young couple, she is the social worker for the agency, and they adopted a little girl about a year ago.

Of course the conversation was a bit overwhelming when she started talking about EVERYTHING that was involved, but for me-I feel so much better about having that HUGE thing out of the way! It's stressful to think about-esp. in the financial aspect of things...cause we are really trying hard to save money...but everyone knows that adoption is expensive. So now is the time to start researching grants....gotta find the money somewhere. :)

So yes...while last week was upsetting and depressing-the weekend was good. It's hard to really wrap my mind around the fact that all of that hope we had been given is gone. I mean, we knew that it was going to be a small chance of conceiving after the surgery, but we did have that hope. But now its gone. I feel much worse for Mike then I do for me. He was hanging on to that hope with every thread that he could find....and now it seems like its gone. But, I have to remember, that God has his plans for us. And I have to trust him that he knows what is best for us. And he knows there is a baby out there for us...somewhere-and that when we have that baby in our arms, we can look back and say-this was all worth it.

OH MY GOODNESS!! :)

We are meeting with an agency on Saturday!! I'm so excited....and yet absolutely terrified!! :) I filled out a contact form on their website...and they called and emailed me yesterday asking if it would be possible to meet us on Saturday since one of their directors was going to be in our area. I was shocked! :) At first I didn' t know what to say....cause here we just wanted a packet of information....but after talking to Mike about it we decided we would meet her and talk with her. She said in her email that it may be easier to explain everything in a face to face meeting vs. us reading a bunch of paperwork, and emailing and calling back and forth. Since she is going to be in our area she said she would love to see us.

OH MY GOSH!!! This is so crazy!:) We are so excited.....and yet I'm really nervous! I mean-what if she doesn't like us? We really like everything we know about this agency so far....and a friend of mine adopted through this agency in May-and she had nothing but a good experience.
So here we go.... It's all happening! WOW!!

Hello Envy.....Please leave

I'm crushed. I can't even lie. I'm looking at the pictures of my new niece and I'm having a really hard time being happy right now. I'm never going to have that. Never going to experience child birth, I'm never going to experience having a baby inside me, I'm never going to be able to call my family and tell them they are going to be granparents, aunts, uncles, cousins.....I'm never going to have that. Yesterday I was ok...but I hadn't seen pictures. Now-I saw the pictures of the hospital-and it broke my heart. Instead of feeling joy inside, my heart is breaking.

I'm so sad today....I'm envious-I can't even deny that. I never thought it was going to be this hard. I thought I would be ok when I found out the baby was born....but I'm dying inside. My heart is brekaing and I feel like I'm so incredibly alone....Mike is trying to be supportive, but he wants me to be happy for them-since it is there time....not ours. But it is so hard for me to be so happy when I'm so incredibly sad for us.

I feel like part of me has died....the part that always dreamed of becoming a mom-the "normal" way. I will never have that. NEVER. And I'm angry-I'm sad, I'm bitter....and I want to know what we did to deserve this?!!?!

The other part of me feels like people have forgotten about all we are going through. They talk about the baby and the birth like it doesn't effect me at all....like they have forgotten that we will never experience that. Or they feel like we are over it...and that we have moved on. No...we haven't moved on....we are still grieving, still mourning the realization of never having a biological child of our own....and we will be for a long time. But how do I explain that to people. We aren't the same people we were 6 months ago, or even the same people we were on July 19th....before we found out. We are still sad....just because we are smiling doesn't mean we aren't crying inside.

Ugh....Envy...please leave now....I really hate having you around...

I Am an Aunt Again....

My sister had a beuatiful healthy baby girl last night. While I'm so happy for her...I'm so sad for us. (megan if you ever read this....please know that I'm so incredibly happy for you and ben, but I'm extremely sad for us.....)

I knew this day was coming-but I guess I had just been dealing with pregnancy, I hadn't really thought much of the day when the baby was born. I know when they got married, I told myself, I would be a mom before I was an aunt again. When I wasn't pregnant when she told me she was pregnant I was sad, but when we found out about our IF, the realization was true that I may not be a mommy before I am an aunt....cause it may be a very long time before I'm a mommy.

So today is a day where I look back and reflect on everything we've gone through. I have a new addition to our family and that is very exciting! But it makes me really wonder....when is it truly our turn.

I hate feeling anything but pure joy in a situation like this. So this is a day when I need to ask God for strength, for wisdom, and guidance. Because I obviously need it....

We are REALLY doing this!!!! :)

We are REALLY adopting! That seems so crazy! I mean-I've known we are...but today it all seemed so much more real to me! Why? Well we've been looking for different agencies...and today-I've actually started calling them and requesting information-so Mike and I can look further into ones that we have a "good" feeling about.

Honestly-when I picked up the phone to call the first one today-it was so weird....WE ARE ACTUALLY DOING THIS! We are actually going to adopt a baby! I'm going to be a mom!! I'm crying here at my desk..I'm just so happy!! This could be the last Christmas without a baby! This is all just so surreal to me....yet-we are so beyond excited!!!

I'm still alive...In case you were wondering :)

I'm still here...very much alive-and very much exhausted.

The last week had to be the busiest week of my life for work. Homecoming was this past week and we had so many alumni back it was insane. Not to mention all of our regular events we had planned, the socials, the trustees....so many people!! But its all done-and one more major event tonight-and I can breathe a HUGE sigh of relief. Poor Mike-he feels like he hasn't seen me in forever-and I feel the same way with him. Now he leaves town tomorrow morning-won't get back until Thursday night...and then he leaves again on Saturday...and then next week I start traveling. UGH! Such is life I guess.

Nothing else is super exicitingly new...oh yea...my computer completely crashed this morning-so for the time being I'm working in a computer lab on campus while they try and retrieve my hard drive....here's to hoping and praying they can....