And it Officially Begins!!!

Our Official Adoption start date.....February 24th, 2009. Well at least thats what I would say-is official. I started filling out our application last night-Ugh! It's LONG!!! I mean I knew it was long-but I had no idea simple questions could bring on such long complicated answers!!

We made the decision to adopt back in July, when we got the original dx of Mike's Azoospermia. We knew Mike would have surgery eventually-we just didn't know when. When November came and went-and we got the official dx...we decided we would move on with adoption in the spring. So...Spring is a few months away-but we decided to get the ball rolling-and see how far it goes!

We are still in "touch" with our potential birthmom. But we are much more gaurded about the situation then we used to be. We are getting many conflicting reports...so just kind of take things as they come. If it works out-GREAT...but if not-we are prepared for that as well. I just hope whatever her decision is-she makes it for herself and the baby-not for the rest of her family.

I'm hoping to finish the initial application in the next few days....and send it in with our application fee. I had started one a few weeks ago-and then after we got word on the potential birthmom and the many contacts I had with my agency-they were in the process of updating there application-so to save time in the long run-I waited until we got the new packet in the mail.

So...it begins....and the stress levels rise! Ugh! It's a crazy whirlwind of emotions! But every day brings us one step closer!!!

Sometimes My Body Annoys Me.....

Ok a lot of the time it annoys me....but right now-its really annoying me.

This maybe TMI for some people so if it is I apologize.....

Since last Sunday night I've been fighting flu like symptoms. (As you can see from my previous post.) Headaches, nausea, exhaustion, and just feeling simply like crap. Well I tossed it up to just that I caught a bug and that I was supposed to see AF on Friday. Well Friday came and went-and nothing. But I thought for sure on Saturday....nothing....well surely Sunday....nothing. Well definitely I'll have it Monday when I get up....Nothing. UGH! Seriously! Just show up already!!! I know I'm not pregnant...cause really-how is there any way. But I'm not going to lie and say that I didn't think of buing an HPT yesterday when I was at walmart and walked by them. I then reminded myself-oh yea....not possible. And continued walking.

Ugh...why does a body insist on playing tricks on me. It's like salt in the wounds sometimes I think.

If I Didn't Know Better.....

I could honestly be convinced I was pregnant. But since that really isn't a possibility I will just go on and say that I think I've got the touch of some nasty stomach virus.

Since Sunday I haven't been feeling all that great. Headaches, waves of SEVERE nausea, exhaustion, and just plain not feeling well. Monday I stayed home from work-hoping some sleep would help with the headache that was turning into a migraine...luckily-I caught it before it was full blown....but ugh-was that painful. But since Monday-even through last night-I've been so sick to my stomach. Doesn't matter what I eat, or don't eat-I'm ready to lose it about 20 minutes later. I fell asleep last night expecting to be throwing up all night thinking I was coming down with the flu. But instead I woke up this morning-feeling OK..not great-but ok. I brought a pack of soda crackers to work today thinking I was going to need something to calm my stomach. In not to long-I'll be eating some I think.

I know I shouldn't do this to myself because the .00000000001% chance that my husband would have 1 or 2 swimmers to make it through is so slim that its basically impossible-but hey there is still that .0000000001 chance. :)

We babysat last night for some very good friends of ours. There little girl is such a doll-and Mike had the time of his life with her. He's going to be such an amazing dad. I think it was hard for him to hold her, play with her, and feed her-and then to sit back and think that we aren't there yet. But-we will....sooner than later hopefully.

PCOS Lucky Me

It's been a busy time....work has been swamped, I've spent a lot of time doing a lot of random things that aren't typical in a week....but oh well...such is life.

My results FINALLY came in after I called the dr's office 2x. He said he was going to call me with the results....but instead he sent me a letter-which I'm a little upset about-but not much I can do.

Turns out-after all of this time and after all of the times I've talked with my OB/Gyn about my endo...it's not endo. It's PCOS. Thanksfully it's not the insulin resistant form-as of yet-but from the research I've done based on my fasting glucose levels-I'm wondering if it may turn into that over time. Turns out my LH hormone as well as my FSH hormone levels are way off. They are opposite levels of where they are supposed to be. He said that basically the only treatment one can do in my situation is hormone treatment. And at this time I'm not to convinced I want to go that route-but I know probably should. So next week I'll call and make an appt. and see what he recommends. Guess we'll see. Hormone treatments don't make me very excited. Esp. if it requires a shot....not to excited about that option.

So such is life.....guess now I have answers and can kind of change my diet, life accordingly...but it still sucks. regardless.

Dr. Appt's

Any woman knows that the that one appt. per year that she should "really" go to...is about the farthest thing from fun that one can imagine. I felt like a freak parade...nurses, dr.'s medstudents....akward-to say the least....oh well..I guess I'm ok with being a learning experience to what will hopefully someday be a great dr. (And she really was nice-I will say that.)

But I degress.....I visited with Dr. Z at length about my pain....we talked about many different options, and after my exam he told me that he's no longer 100% convinced that I have endo. Excuse me?!!? Then what is going on? Am I just one of the lucky ones who has extremely painful periods and ovulation pains and cramping etc??? Not exactly...he's thinking PCOS...for the non medical minded....Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.....GREAT(insert sarcasm here)!! So I went in for lab work...and I swear I got lightheaded after they took the 8 viles of blood. Whew...that was A LOT of blood. But at least the tech was good-got it after the first poke...no bruising-barely felt a thing. So now I wait for all of those lab tests to come back.

When he was talking to me about PCOS.....everything he was describing was me a T. Every charachteristic, every symptom, everything! Scary business!! I'm not sure if I would be relieved or pissed if I find out I do have it. I mean-it would give me A LOT of answers....but it would also make me crabby that I will be taking medication for the rest of my life.

I'm getting pretty good at this waiting game. He's hoping that they results should be back within a week. So I wait...

Delayed Reactions

I feel like I'm having a delayed reactions to all of my feelings. I feel like these things should have been fealt along time ago-but instead of feeling them now.

I tell myself sometimes that I'm numb...that nothing really phases me. I don't always feel like I'm feeling as sad as I should about a situation, or like I feel as happy as I should. I don't consider myself depressed-becuase usually I'm a fairly happy person all things considering.

But the past few days I just can't shake these feelings. The feelings of sadness, grief, anxiety, lonliness, a fear that I'm/we're being punished. I know we're not-but there are times when thats the only answer I can give myself as to why this has happened to us-is that we are being punished-although I know in my heart that doesn't make sense-but in my mind it does.

When I sleep-I sleep really well-but I wake up every few hours and start thinking about our baby. I think about him or her all the time it seems like. I think about our birthmom and I wonder who she is and what she is doing. I think about how lucky I am to have all of the blessings I do in my life....but is it so wrong to want a baby to be one of those blessings.

I feel like I should have moved on from these feelings by now. We were dx with IF back in July-I find myself as a person who deals with things quickly...and then I just like to put those feelings away somewhere....but IF has been different. Everyday lately has been a constant reminder that we don't have children yet, and that we might not for awhile.

One of my favorite quotes in the world comes from Mother Theresa....."I know God has a plan, I just wish he didn't trust me so much." I know God trusts me....I just wish he moved as quick as I want him to with the plans he has for us. :)

Feeling Kinda Down Today....

Don't know why in particluar. I mean-nothing new has come up. We are still in limbo with our Birth Mother....we have no idea where she stands-and I think I'm just letting the possibility that could have been a mom in just a few months go. But I have been for a few weeks now-at least I think I have been.

Infertility is truly a rollercoaster of emotions. There are days when I feel on top of the world-and I don't let infertility bother me. I stay positivie and I try and keep the thought in my head that I will be a mom, someday I will be. Then there are days like today when I just feel upset and bothered and angry at times that 2 people who want children more than anything can't have them. It just doesn't seem fair to me. I know God has his plan-but it is still frustrating to not understand it.

Mike has been down the past few days. I know he is feeling the sadness, anxiety, and stress of the fact that we were so close to being parents-at least we felt we were close by everything we were hearing, and everything she was telling our friend...that we really thought this might be it. I think the reality has kind of set it-that it might not work out.

I feel more bad for him I think than anything-because I know he feels responsible for how I feel and my sadness at times-when he shouldn't because its not his fault. It's just a matter of time before I have a lap to remove my endo. So even if he was fine-I'm still not-and I think we would still be trying to conceive...

Another aspect of my sadness comes from the fact that people tell us....just adopt then you will for sure get pregnant. I think over the weekend I heard that about 5 times. What don't people understand?!?! WE CAN'T GET PREGNANT!!! There is no way-besides a true miracle from God that we will ever get pregnant.

I'm also tired of hearing the well I know how you feel...we struggled for 3 months to get pregnant, or I know how you feel because we might have trouble getting pregnant one day, or the ever famous-pregnancy really isn't all that great...your not missing out on much. Really....I think having a baby is pretty great....you of all people should know-you already have a beautiful child in front of you.

I know unless you are truly struggling with Infertility you really don't know what it is like. To be told that you will never have a biological child of your own-is not something you ever want to hear. I want nothing more then to look at someone who says-I totally know how you feel and say..."Really?! When were you diagnosed? When did you get that awful gut wrenching news? How many times have you and your husband cried yourselves to sleep over it? How many times have you held your husband as he's cried in your arms because he feels responsible? How many times have you gone to the dr. with your husband just to have him humiliated by having to give a Semen analysis?" That might seem so harsh-but it's days like today when I really honeslty would love to shake those people who say things like that.

I know its days like today when I just need to sit back and pray for strength, wisdom, understanding not only for myself but for all of those who are ignorant" for lack of a better word when it comes to talking with people dealing with IF. I would rather have someone look me in the eyes and tell me they don't know what to say to say those words. Ugh.....

I just need a good cry....and maybe a good hug from my husband.....and a little extra strength from above today.