Surprisingly-even after the news we got on Tuesday...we really have had a good few days. Yesterday we went to Mike's aunt and uncles for Thankgiving. It was a good time....we came back and played a few games...and just enjoyed sometime with each other. We talked a lot...and really listened to what each other was saying. (Not that we don't any other time....but last night we both knew that there was a lot to talk about, and a lot of emotions going through our hearts...so we both really listened.)
Today we spent together....taking the dogs to the park for a few hours, doing a bit of shopping, running some errands....and doing what every other couple does in a situation like ours.....Went shopping for baby stuff! :) Seriously! It was soooo fun! We went to a few places...looked at cribs, strollers, car seats, diapers, formula...it was fun-and it made things seem real...like wow-we are actually adopting...and we are actually going to have a BABY!! I didn't know how I would feel once we got there-but we really did have a good time. Mike even picked out a toy-that he felt was a MUST have for the baby....a pair of plastic keys. :) Then I picked out something....a cover for a car seat....for the spring and summer months-to prevent bugs from biting or stinging the baby. (I know...nothing very fun...but hey-it was clearanced...and I'm practical. :)) Then we walked around for a bit longer....and just looked at all of the fun stuff that we get to buy. A bit overwhelming....but fun. :)
So yes...it was a good few days. We had a lot of fun...a lot of good quality time we were able to spend together-which was really nice. It seems like it had been forever since we were able to do that. Some people would say that what we did today-wasn't the smartest thing for us to do....but for us it felt right. We've known for a long time that we more than likely were never going to have a biological child of our own...but of course we were still hanging on to that hope...that maybe-maybe there would be a miracle. But obviously God has different plans for us. So we are accepting that...and just trying to move on...we know that days might not always be this good...but today was a good day-and I'm going to enjoy today and worry about tomorrow when it gets here.
Friday, November 28, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
The Results We've Been Waiting For....
Just NOT THE ONES WE WANTED....
The urologist called today. MUCH earlier then we were expecting. But the results were not what we were hoping for. Mike has Azoospermia. It is definite. He is completely sterile.
I guess I don't really know what to feel. I'm worried about Mike. He's obviously devestated....we both are. But I think in a way-God has been preparing me for this. Giving me the strength to know the path that we need to go down. But it seems so surreal to me to know that I will never be pregnant...and carry a child and give birth. How does one wrap there mind around that? I can't! But I think in a way thats a good thing. Because in a way-I don't know what I'm missing-because I've never been pregnant. But of course I've always longed to be-what woman doesn't? (well none that I know.) So I guess in the grand scheme of things...I'm doing OK....Not great....but OK.
We'll get through this.....we know we will. But it's still hard...it will be for a long time. But now the path we must go down is clear. We'll just take it a step at a time....and we'll get to our baby.
The urologist called today. MUCH earlier then we were expecting. But the results were not what we were hoping for. Mike has Azoospermia. It is definite. He is completely sterile.
I guess I don't really know what to feel. I'm worried about Mike. He's obviously devestated....we both are. But I think in a way-God has been preparing me for this. Giving me the strength to know the path that we need to go down. But it seems so surreal to me to know that I will never be pregnant...and carry a child and give birth. How does one wrap there mind around that? I can't! But I think in a way thats a good thing. Because in a way-I don't know what I'm missing-because I've never been pregnant. But of course I've always longed to be-what woman doesn't? (well none that I know.) So I guess in the grand scheme of things...I'm doing OK....Not great....but OK.
We'll get through this.....we know we will. But it's still hard...it will be for a long time. But now the path we must go down is clear. We'll just take it a step at a time....and we'll get to our baby.
Food for Thought.....
I'm so in love with my husband. While I would NEVER wish our situation on ANYONE-even my worst enemy, I know that I would never be able to go through something like this without him.
He feels terrible though that I more than likely will never be able to experience pregnancy "because of him." While I have NEVER thought it was his fault-or placed blame on him-he still feels responsible. Much in the same way I did when I got the dx of endo, and was told it would be difficult to conceive. Now multiply that times a million-when you are told that you more than likely CAN'T conceive...and thats how he feels. I feel the same pain he does-but I know he in a sense feels worse-becasue he feels responsible. Last night when we were lying in bed he rolls next to me and says he sorry that we didn't get better answers after his surgery. Of course I told him there was nothing to be sorry for-and that these were the cards we were dealt. But again-he feels responsible.
While I don't claim to be prophetic at all...these are the words that came out of my mouth....and I think he maybe was able to look at things from a different angle.
"Millions of people get to experience pregnancy...every day. Women get the amazing feeling of having a child inside of them and growing. Men get to watch there wives glow with excitement with every move the baby makes. But there are very few people that get to experience the miracle and joys of adoption. We have been chosen to receive this beautiful miracle. We have been chosen because we are special."
Again, I am not a prophetic person.....but for anyone who is struggling with IF.....and the ups and downs of adoption....I look back on those words-and think....yes....we are very special indeed.
He feels terrible though that I more than likely will never be able to experience pregnancy "because of him." While I have NEVER thought it was his fault-or placed blame on him-he still feels responsible. Much in the same way I did when I got the dx of endo, and was told it would be difficult to conceive. Now multiply that times a million-when you are told that you more than likely CAN'T conceive...and thats how he feels. I feel the same pain he does-but I know he in a sense feels worse-becasue he feels responsible. Last night when we were lying in bed he rolls next to me and says he sorry that we didn't get better answers after his surgery. Of course I told him there was nothing to be sorry for-and that these were the cards we were dealt. But again-he feels responsible.
While I don't claim to be prophetic at all...these are the words that came out of my mouth....and I think he maybe was able to look at things from a different angle.
"Millions of people get to experience pregnancy...every day. Women get the amazing feeling of having a child inside of them and growing. Men get to watch there wives glow with excitement with every move the baby makes. But there are very few people that get to experience the miracle and joys of adoption. We have been chosen to receive this beautiful miracle. We have been chosen because we are special."
Again, I am not a prophetic person.....but for anyone who is struggling with IF.....and the ups and downs of adoption....I look back on those words-and think....yes....we are very special indeed.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Surgery Day...
I sent this to my friend Rachel...and it summarized it all pretty well...so I'm just C&P here....
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WOW! What a LONG day!! Mike's surgery was supposed to start at 8:30....but got pushed back to 9:30 for some reason-I'm guessing they got behind with one surgery-and a domino effect. He told us that it would take anywhere from an hour and half to 3 hours...at 3 1/2 hours-I was getting REALLY nervous. He finally came out to talk to me!
This is what we know. His tubes are clear. Which is a GOOD thing. That means that if he is producing sperm-there isn't a blockage and that will prevent them from getting through. HOWEVER, that does mean-that if he is producing them, there is a blockage in the testicle itself....which is just as serious of a problem as if there was a blockage in the tubes. However, that isn't a for sure thing. The only way they will know that is when all of the pathology reports come back-which could take anywhere from a week to 2 weeks. The main report he ran-was just to test the biopsy that he took to see if there were any sperm present. If not, then we know that is just the way he was born...and we move on. However, if there are-then we go back to the dilemma-on whether or not the blockage in the testicle itself is fixable. The dr. said it's a tough call-and just as invasive of a surgery as the orginal BIG one of the tubes that we had originally thought we would need. But before he talks about all of that he wants to get all of the test results back.
So once again we are left wondering and questions unanswered...but at least in the next few weeks we should have some kind of an idea as to what is going on.
**********************************************************************************
WOW! What a LONG day!! Mike's surgery was supposed to start at 8:30....but got pushed back to 9:30 for some reason-I'm guessing they got behind with one surgery-and a domino effect. He told us that it would take anywhere from an hour and half to 3 hours...at 3 1/2 hours-I was getting REALLY nervous. He finally came out to talk to me!
This is what we know. His tubes are clear. Which is a GOOD thing. That means that if he is producing sperm-there isn't a blockage and that will prevent them from getting through. HOWEVER, that does mean-that if he is producing them, there is a blockage in the testicle itself....which is just as serious of a problem as if there was a blockage in the tubes. However, that isn't a for sure thing. The only way they will know that is when all of the pathology reports come back-which could take anywhere from a week to 2 weeks. The main report he ran-was just to test the biopsy that he took to see if there were any sperm present. If not, then we know that is just the way he was born...and we move on. However, if there are-then we go back to the dilemma-on whether or not the blockage in the testicle itself is fixable. The dr. said it's a tough call-and just as invasive of a surgery as the orginal BIG one of the tubes that we had originally thought we would need. But before he talks about all of that he wants to get all of the test results back.
So once again we are left wondering and questions unanswered...but at least in the next few weeks we should have some kind of an idea as to what is going on.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Ugh...what is THE WORST thing that can happen when traveling....
FOOD POISONING! Wait...how about altitude sickness and FOOD POISONING! Ugh....Shoot me now!
I had to cancel one of my meetings this morning-which I felt terrible about doing...but there was just no way.
I'm feeling slightly better-keeping water in me YAY so I'm hoping with a nap and some gatorade I feel better in time for my 4:30 meeting.
I HOPE!!!
I had to cancel one of my meetings this morning-which I felt terrible about doing...but there was just no way.
I'm feeling slightly better-keeping water in me YAY so I'm hoping with a nap and some gatorade I feel better in time for my 4:30 meeting.
I HOPE!!!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Work...Surgeries....and oh yea...Work
Work has kept me SOOO busy lately! I'm in Denver now-until Thursday.....luckily-the weather has been GORGEOUS-at almost 80 degrees and Sunny. I was told not to get used to it or expect it next year when I come back-because this is very out of the norm. So far-Denver is good...I've never been here before-I'm hoping on Thursday I'll be able to go do some sightseeing. I haven't done much of that yet-so I'm excited to finish all of my work stuff tomorrow night-and spend all day Thursday-just seeing what this city is all about.
Friday early morning....is Mike's surgery. Ugh....it seems like it's taken FOREVER to get to this point. But Friday we will have answers. Our insurance company never agreed to pay for the full surgery. So we are just doing the first part of it. The biopsy and the "vasogram." Basically that means-checking the tubes to see where the blockage is-and if it is worth fixing. (basically is the risk of doing the surgery-greater than the benefit-since we know that even if it is fixed, our chances are around 25% or less of ever conceiving.) So-at least on Friday we will know. And we will know if we will want to go ahead with the BIG surgery in a few years-after we could save up.
I feel so out of the loop these days-like my life is just SO BUSY that I don't even have time to breathe. But I do have to say-that I really enjoy my job....it's just that sometimes....I'm soooo busy and that can take a toll on me. But like I said-I really love my job....so it is worth it. And these busy times are only a few times a year...so it's really not so bad. :)
Friday early morning....is Mike's surgery. Ugh....it seems like it's taken FOREVER to get to this point. But Friday we will have answers. Our insurance company never agreed to pay for the full surgery. So we are just doing the first part of it. The biopsy and the "vasogram." Basically that means-checking the tubes to see where the blockage is-and if it is worth fixing. (basically is the risk of doing the surgery-greater than the benefit-since we know that even if it is fixed, our chances are around 25% or less of ever conceiving.) So-at least on Friday we will know. And we will know if we will want to go ahead with the BIG surgery in a few years-after we could save up.
I feel so out of the loop these days-like my life is just SO BUSY that I don't even have time to breathe. But I do have to say-that I really enjoy my job....it's just that sometimes....I'm soooo busy and that can take a toll on me. But like I said-I really love my job....so it is worth it. And these busy times are only a few times a year...so it's really not so bad. :)
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Why is it?...?...?
That when you don't feel good-and you know you look like crap because you feel like crap that people insist on telling you look like crap. I love my husband-but sometimes...he just doesn't know what to say...so he says whatever he's thinking.
I'm home sick from work-migraine, fever, stuffy nose, cough, the whole shebang...and what does Mike say to me this morning...oh..you look terrible!
Gee thanks honey! I love him so very much-but sometimes....I wonder about him! :)
I'm home sick from work-migraine, fever, stuffy nose, cough, the whole shebang...and what does Mike say to me this morning...oh..you look terrible!
Gee thanks honey! I love him so very much-but sometimes....I wonder about him! :)
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Today....should be a HAPPY day...
Afterall-it is my birthday...but I find myself so sad today.
I miss my family so much! We spend all last weekend with them-and it was amazing. My parents came up last night to drop off there dog.....so we could dog sit/nurse her back to health. (She got hurt last weekend when we were there....and they decided to have her have surgery here vs. there regular vet-cause the surgery was $2000 cheaper...go figure!!).
But saying goodbye to them was really hard this morning. I didn't cry in front of them....but once I came inside and they drove away I cried. Now tonight-Mike went to the store and bought all the supplies to make a beautiful supper for me...to try and make things better. And I know he'll do a great job....I just miss my family so much....
I miss my family so much! We spend all last weekend with them-and it was amazing. My parents came up last night to drop off there dog.....so we could dog sit/nurse her back to health. (She got hurt last weekend when we were there....and they decided to have her have surgery here vs. there regular vet-cause the surgery was $2000 cheaper...go figure!!).
But saying goodbye to them was really hard this morning. I didn't cry in front of them....but once I came inside and they drove away I cried. Now tonight-Mike went to the store and bought all the supplies to make a beautiful supper for me...to try and make things better. And I know he'll do a great job....I just miss my family so much....
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