AND SHE SHOWS!!!

I knew she was coming-eventually-I just had a gut feeling.......

Yep....Still Waiting

I wish I wasn't such a chicken to test. I was going to last night when I got home from work-but we had company unexpectedly stop by so when Mike called and told me they were there, I didn't even stop to pick up HPT. I thought about going to get one last night-but then the cramps set in and the back pain so I figured FINALLY...she's here. I went to bed thinking she would be here in full force this morning....I wake up and low and behold-NOTHING!

I think today will be Test day.

Here's to hoping for POSITIVE results!!

Still Waiting....

I haven't tested again....I thought about testing last night-but something has me convinced that AF will show up one of these days-and I don't really want to see a BFN....again. I think I would rather see AF then a BFN.

Here's to another few days....I'm gonna have to break down and test one of these days.

AF is.......LATE!!!!!!!!

Go Figure! The time that I start thinking about when or when not to TTC-AF is a no show. She was due Saturday-I tested yesterday and got a BFN....I'll wait until later this week and test again if she hasn't showed yet.

I'm not really getting to excited about-although I want to more than anything-I'm not letting myself. It could be something as little as stress that has thrown off my cycle. Between moving and getting a new puppy-this month has been kinda crazy. I didn't temp....but according to CM..yes-there could be a chance that I'm PG.

I told DH-but like me-he said he doesn't want to get his hopes up to much. We've been here before and let down big time. We've learned to take control of our emotions....as hard as that is to do.

So here's to a few days of waiting-hopefully by the end of the week-I'll have an answer either way!

Looking for a change

I made a few changes to the blog....thought I could use a change these days-sometimes its the little things that matter. :)

To TTC or To Not "TRY" to Conceive

That question has been battling back back and forth in my mind for quite some time now. Over the last few months Mike and I have not been "trying" but rather just letting things happen. I think he knew that I was just getting emotionally drained with the issue and just kind of let it drop for a bit.

Over the last few weeks or so I've been asking myself when would be the right time to start trying again? I know people say-if you have to think about that-you're not ready. It's not that we're not ready-because we are...we are very ready to have kids....I'm just not ready to start going through the emotional draining thoughts of TRYING to get pregnant all over again. I know it's all part of the baby process-but really-why didn't anyone ever tell me/us that you could struggle to get pregnant? That it might not just happen the first few months you try? Rather it could take months and months and months to get pregnant? Why was all of this information left out when people talk about getting pregnant? All you ever hear about is...yea we weren't trying...and oops-guess we're having another one! WHY!!!????

Thinking about all of this just drains me emotionally-but I know that it is something that I/we need to come to terms with. Mike really tries to understand-but really no man can FULLY understand what it is like to be a woman and to want to get pregnant and feel responsible every month when AF shows and you have to tell him that once again you're not pregnant. NO MAN CAN REALLY TRULY UNDERSTAND THAT!! Mike is 100% supportive of me-and he tries to understand the emotional rollercoaster that this can cause me to go on-but I really don't think he can really truly understand. I wish there was a book on-how to support your wife when TTC? :) Maybe I should write one....it's a thought.

We're Moved!

After long weeks of packing we're finally moved! The house is good....it's so nice to have the privacy of a house. After living in an apt for years-this is so different-but such a good different. Daisy-our 9 week old Black Lab arrived about a week earlier then planned. Orginally we were not going to get her until we were moved and settled. Well....the breeder contacted me and told me she would be able to get her to us last weekend. So we met half way and I picked her up. She's truly a doll. We love her!!! I do miss getting a full 8 hours of sleep a night-but I guess it gives us practice for children one day. :) All in good time. The puppy is keeping us busy right now. As thrilled as I would be to get pregnant....I can't imagine having a baby and a puppy. :)

CAN'T CONCENTRATE!!!

I'm at work....and all I can think about is all the things I need to get done at home....

My list of todo things before I move just seems to be getting bigger and bigger. I would love to be at my house, packing and getting ready for our move.......but instead I'm sitting at my office thinking of all the things I need to be doing.

The Changing of Times

It's hard to believe that in about a week Mike and I will be in our house with a puppy. For some that might not seem like a big deal.....for us-it's huge. We've been living in an apt. for a year and half since we've been married-and now finally a HOUSE!!

We will get Daisy the day after we move hopefully-if all goes as planned. :) Nothing like bringing a puppy into a brand new place for both of us. :) We are excited. She'll help ease the baby pain. I'm sure when I'm letting her go outside at 3 am I'll be thinking of 3am feedings. :)

The more I start thinking about the house and the puppy the more I start thinking about a baby. We've been so preoccupied lately that we haven't really even talked about TTC, which has been wonderful. We've talked about so many other things. Gone shopping for the house, the puppy, we started taking a Financial Planning class and we've done a bit of traveling to different parts of the ND. It's been awesome!!!! I haven't been temping this month-honestly because I forgot at the beginning of the month and mainly because I just didn't want to. Since we haven't been talking about a baby-I didn't want the daily reminder every single morning about us TTC. Might sound dumb......but its been such a free month not having to think about it.

The next few weeks are going to be so exciting!!! I'm thrilled we are moving.....and to get Daisy. I think all of that excitement has taken away the stress of work. It's still so weird to go there everyday......I just feel so akward. Hopefully that will pass with time.

Men & the Work Place

I've been working since I was 16....so almost 10 years. I've dealt with my fair share of pigs in the work place. I'm not trying to generalize and say that all men are pigs-cause if that was the case-Mike and I would not be married. But typically men are the ones who start the Sexual Harassment suits that come up.

Last week I went to a convention for my work-it was an overnight trip in Fargo. The entire sales dept. went-including management. To make a long story short-alcohal got involved and I was harassed and violated. I went back to my hotel room and cried. A coworker of mine was with me and she obviously was great-telling me it wasn't my fault-he chose the alcohal, he chose to do what he did.....but I know that he would have never done or said the things he did if he wouldln't have been drunk. I thought about reporting it........but how do you report a General Manager....who do you report it to-he's the highest they come-next to the owner. I thought about it....talked with Mike (who needless to say-was not happy at all-took all I had to not let him go over and have a few "words" with the guy.) Well.....I finally did it. The man who harassed me and violated me turned out to the manager of our "sister stations" who thankfully I don't have to work with every day. I told my immediate manager who strongly urged me to go to the owners of our company and tell them what happened. I WAS PETRIFIED!!!! I've been with the company for a year and half-He has been with the company for almost 20 years! Who are they going to believe!?!?!? Well I did it........I stepped up-told them what happened....and they were nothing but sympathetic, supportive, and 100% appauled that anyone could do such a thing.

Did I do the right thing????

I met with the owners for about an hour. I told myself I would stay strong and not cry. But when it came down to it-at the very end I broke down. I didn't realize how violated I felt. But again....I KNOW THIS WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED IF HE WASN"T DRUNK!!

They both asked me what they needed to do to make me comfortable with in the company. I told them as long as I didn't have to deal with him I would be fine. But here's where I question myself: I told them-that he made a mistake.....he was drunk-I know he wouldn't have done it if he hadn't been. I told them not to fire him. But to give him severe consequences. They said if I wanted him fired-they would do it....I told them no-but the final decision was theres. They didn't know if it would come down to him being fired-but they were going to be doing some serious investigations into this situation. DID I DO THE RIGHT THING??? Am I being to nice-should I have had him fired???

They came back to my office later that afternoon and told me that they confronted him.....HE DOESN'T REMEMBER IT!!! He didn't deny it...but he doesn't remember it! That is so scary! How do you not remember it! He was given severe consequences within the company-but he was not fired. One of the consequences is that he gets treatment.....and he is not to have any contact with me until I give the ok. He is not to even try and apologize until I give the OK. Thankfully we work in a separate building-so I dont' see him very often....but I dread the first time I do.

The whole situation has been awkward, embarassing, and so angering. The disrespect some people have for others just floors me.

Now...I guess it's time to move on........Do I have any respect for the man, absolutely not, to I like him...no-he's about as low as dirt to me....but I guess being a Christian-I can pray for him and his family and his kids. (He's in his 50's and has a wife and 2 kids). I'm trying to let it go-but I'd be lying if I said I didn't still feel violated.

Our Family is GROWING!

WE BOUGHT A PUPPY!!! What were we thinking?!?!? :) We move in a few weeks and Mike and I have both wanted a dog for a long time, and after much research on finding a breeder-we drove 2 1/2 hours to pick out our first little "bundle of joy." Her name is Daisy.....although we don't have her yet-she's only 4 weeks old we did buy a few puppy necessities yesterday. :) We'll get her in about a month! How exciting. :) Maybe this will keep our mind off of a baby.......probably not.....but hey its a hope. :)

Why isn't it me????

Last night Mike came home from work...........I was sitting on the couch relaxing from a long day-before I met with a bride to be about The Body Shop makeup....when he drops a ball on me....a friend of ours is Pregnant. I didn't cry-but I didn't smile either. He just looked at me and questioned why I didn't show much emotion. I just told him I didn't really want to hear that-they've only been trying for 3 months-after they were told 3 years ago she could never have kids....14 months later there son was born.......and now-number 2 is on his/her way. Why? Yes-they were trying-so yes I am very happy for her-and I don't want to sound selfish.....a BABY!! HOW EXCITING!!! But then why am I so hurt and upset about it. I saw her today and I congratulated her on her big news....inside-I was crying. Mike didn't really know how to react when I told him I didn't know what to say about it. He doesn't understand what it's like to not give him a baby. I know it takes 2 but I think a girl sometimes feels more responsible for it. When you are living in the body that is supposed to grow this child, and nurture it......you want it so much! To not have it............tears me apart.

I'm so happy for all of the expectant mothers.........I just wish I was one to.

Back to School

Well we went back to our "normal" routine this morning with Mike starting school again this morning. I know he's excited to get back into teaching-he gets kinda bored towards the end of the summer :) but there are times when I need to mentally prepare for him to go back to school.

Mike is a special ed teacher, so he sees the best and the worst situations possible. Although I know he is an absolutley amazing teacher there are times when he takes things so personally. I can't imagine being in his position-I would probably take things extremely personally as well. He has told me more than once that it's really hard for him to see parents who seem to not care, who never show for meetings, who dress there kids in the same dirty clothes they wore the day before, who dont' sent a lunch with there little one, who forget to pick them up from school.....because then he wonders-how did these people who don't care, who have openly said they never wanted kids in the first place-get so blessed to have one? It makes me wonder as well.

Life is full of questions....most of them only God has the answers to.......But sometimes I wish I was as smart as God :)

WE ARE MOVING!!!!

I CAN'T WAIT!!!

At the end of the month! Although September couldn't be any more busy I don't think. We have 4 weddings this month-we are moving...and we are getting a puppy. I think I should just throw some other huge project in the mix-just to add to my stress.

Regardless of how stressed we are going to be-I can't wait to have a house to call our own. We are very excited!! :)

It's Monday.....Ugh

We had a great weekend.......relaxed Friday night.....Saturday I had a Bachelorette Party and Sunday we had a Bar-BQ at our house for some of the teachers that Mike works with....a Back to School Tradition. It was a great time.....and then last night around 8:30 after most people had left-I realized I had to get up and come back to work today.

Most days-my job isn't so bad. When you are in Sales-you have good and bad days....but lately-it seems as though the bad have been outweighing the good. I've been hitting all of my goals given to me by upper management-they tell me how great of an asset I am to the company-but does that really mean much when you don't love your job 100%.

Such is life I guess.....maybe today is a job hunt day when I'm on my lunch break. Hmmm....something to think about!

Happy Monday!

Who I Am

I am a Wife
I am a Friend
I am a Lover
I am a Fighter
I am a Sister
I am a Christian
I am a Everything I want to be.......except for one thing.........I'm not a MOM!