2 posts in one day...I know you guys are about falling off your chairs...but I need to vent and get a few things out...and I just need to be reassured that I'm normal...and if I'm NOT NORMAL...than please just tell me so I can figure out-how to become "normal" (What is that really) in the next few weeks.
I'm going to be a mom....in just a few weeks-if all goes as planned...which my heart and mind believe it will-but let's be real-many things could change....regardless mommyhood is around the corner. I'm petrified. I was thinking early about when we leave the hospital....after baby is born...The vision...of "here you go!" here's your kid...be on your way came into my mind. And then...I thought "NOW WHAT?!!" Now what do we do? How do we know when he's hungry, hurting, happy, content, sick.....I'd like to think I have a ton of maternal instincts-but with my own child are they really going to come out? Am I going to have any clue how to take care of this child?
Than of course the emotional side of things comes out-and I think-can I emotionally handle this child?? I mean-I'm emotionally stable....but this is going to be a HUGE life change for us...a PERMANENT LIFE CHANGE!!! Are we ready?
Financially?!?! Can we afford this child? We're not destitute...don't get me wrong...but let's face it-kids cost money!!! And while I will give him everything in my power plus more....I'm worried...I would be lying if I said I wasn't.
So please tell me this fear is normal. I feel like the Devil is totally working on my heart to lack peace of mind...and I hate it....but I also want to know....are these fears/worries normal???
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
What is that you say...A Due Date?!?!?!
Holy Wow!!! A DUE DATE!!! FINALLY AN ACTUAL DUE DATE!!!! Now anyone who knows babies knows that baby is going to come when baby wants to come. However, up until this point we had no idea exactly how far along BMwas. When we had first been matched we were told she was about 27-28 weeks-which put an EDD date of Nov. 10th. When she had her Ultrasound-they said she was more like 24-25 weeks-and due Dec. 2nd. Now to the average person-3 weeks isn't a big deal...but when you are trying to plan the trip of a LIFETIME 3 weeks is a very big deal.
Last week "E" got word that all of her insurance stuff was taken care of and she was able to get back into her clinic of choice and see the doctor she wanted to see as well as deliver at the Hospital she wants...PRAISE GOD!! So she went back in yesterday-got another ultrasound...and the tech confirmed....DUE DATE DECEMBER 2ND!!!!!! PRAISE THE LORD!! Again-baby is going to come when baby wants to come....But-with "E's" other kids she has delivered with-in 2-3 days of her due date-plus or minus. So knowing this-helps a ton.
Today happens to be "E's" birthday. I'm going to talk to her this afternoon. I mailed a package for her last week-had a few things for her in there as well as her other kids. I also put a disposable camera in there. She said she would take all of the pictures and mail the camera back...so that I could have those pictures to show Baby when he gets older. I want him to be able to see what his BM looks like, what she looked like while pregnant with him and what his siblings look like. She seemed very happy to take the pictures and she was thankful that we were going to show them to him.
So...this puts "E" at right around 35 weeks. As a girlfriend of mine said yesterday when I told her the due date...."MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU!!" She couldn't be more right. This will truly be the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!!
Last week "E" got word that all of her insurance stuff was taken care of and she was able to get back into her clinic of choice and see the doctor she wanted to see as well as deliver at the Hospital she wants...PRAISE GOD!! So she went back in yesterday-got another ultrasound...and the tech confirmed....DUE DATE DECEMBER 2ND!!!!!! PRAISE THE LORD!! Again-baby is going to come when baby wants to come....But-with "E's" other kids she has delivered with-in 2-3 days of her due date-plus or minus. So knowing this-helps a ton.
Today happens to be "E's" birthday. I'm going to talk to her this afternoon. I mailed a package for her last week-had a few things for her in there as well as her other kids. I also put a disposable camera in there. She said she would take all of the pictures and mail the camera back...so that I could have those pictures to show Baby when he gets older. I want him to be able to see what his BM looks like, what she looked like while pregnant with him and what his siblings look like. She seemed very happy to take the pictures and she was thankful that we were going to show them to him.
So...this puts "E" at right around 35 weeks. As a girlfriend of mine said yesterday when I told her the due date...."MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU!!" She couldn't be more right. This will truly be the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Breakdown....
The last few weeks have been nothing short of insanely busy-but at the same time insanely boring on the adoption home front.
We are still waiting for an exact due date! I know-crazy isn't it. I at one point but myself into a panic mode and wondered-are we getting scammed? Is this agency for real? Are they just telling us the problem is medicaid and in reality they aren't even trying? Is "E" going to change her mind? It has been emotionally breaking to say the least-and last night-I lost it. I just fell apart and cried in mike's arms...cried and cried and cried myself to sleep. Why does this whole process have to be so difficult? Why is it that something so great has to cause "E" so much pain? Why is it that medicaid can't get their stuff together and get this poor girl into the clinic where she belongs during the 3rd trimester!?!!? AM I ASKING TO MUCH!?!?! I eventually called our social worker here last week and just told her that I was beginning to have doubts and that I think something is going on that she needs to check into it. And she did-right away. She called the agency-not letting them know that I had called voicing concerns-but to get an update on the situation so that she could put it in our file. (yea-I'm sure the social worker at the agency saw right through that one-but I didn't even care!)
Our social worker emailed me the next day calming my fears and making me feel better about the situation. She told me that she honestly feels they are doing what they can-they just weren't as proactive about things from the beginning-therefore dragging this process along a lot longer than it should be. All the while-stressing "E" out about not getting to the dr. and not knowing when baby is coming.
Of course the financial strain of this whole process is a burden as well. It's hard to comprehend the fact that we have to pay so much to adopt-and we have accepted it and are trying to move on...but the realization I think is harder on me than mike because I pay the bills and balance the checkbook every month. I know we will be fine...but I just hate the whole concept of it! But I understand....
Than of course there is the nursery-not even close to finished yet-but that is a story for another day...as of right now...the door is closed-with a stockpile of goodies that have yet to be unpacked, washed-or even put away.
Throw work in, my photography (which I have to admit-is going amazingly well-and I'm blessed beyond comprehension that God has given me this amazing talent), Mike being sick (H1N1 ...NOT FUN-JUST LETTING EVERYONE KNOW!!), trying to book travel plans....trying to start thinking about packing for baby for the trip....SO MUCH!!!!
I should add that some very dear friends threw me a baby shower on Saturday. It was so much fun! And we got some amazing things. We are so blessed to have such wonderful family and friends in our lives!
I'm trying so hard to offer it up to God....and I pray so hard everyday for peace, strength and wisdom.....I know God will provide for our needs-it's just the process is so stressful.
We are still waiting for an exact due date! I know-crazy isn't it. I at one point but myself into a panic mode and wondered-are we getting scammed? Is this agency for real? Are they just telling us the problem is medicaid and in reality they aren't even trying? Is "E" going to change her mind? It has been emotionally breaking to say the least-and last night-I lost it. I just fell apart and cried in mike's arms...cried and cried and cried myself to sleep. Why does this whole process have to be so difficult? Why is it that something so great has to cause "E" so much pain? Why is it that medicaid can't get their stuff together and get this poor girl into the clinic where she belongs during the 3rd trimester!?!!? AM I ASKING TO MUCH!?!?! I eventually called our social worker here last week and just told her that I was beginning to have doubts and that I think something is going on that she needs to check into it. And she did-right away. She called the agency-not letting them know that I had called voicing concerns-but to get an update on the situation so that she could put it in our file. (yea-I'm sure the social worker at the agency saw right through that one-but I didn't even care!)
Our social worker emailed me the next day calming my fears and making me feel better about the situation. She told me that she honestly feels they are doing what they can-they just weren't as proactive about things from the beginning-therefore dragging this process along a lot longer than it should be. All the while-stressing "E" out about not getting to the dr. and not knowing when baby is coming.
Of course the financial strain of this whole process is a burden as well. It's hard to comprehend the fact that we have to pay so much to adopt-and we have accepted it and are trying to move on...but the realization I think is harder on me than mike because I pay the bills and balance the checkbook every month. I know we will be fine...but I just hate the whole concept of it! But I understand....
Than of course there is the nursery-not even close to finished yet-but that is a story for another day...as of right now...the door is closed-with a stockpile of goodies that have yet to be unpacked, washed-or even put away.
Throw work in, my photography (which I have to admit-is going amazingly well-and I'm blessed beyond comprehension that God has given me this amazing talent), Mike being sick (H1N1 ...NOT FUN-JUST LETTING EVERYONE KNOW!!), trying to book travel plans....trying to start thinking about packing for baby for the trip....SO MUCH!!!!
I should add that some very dear friends threw me a baby shower on Saturday. It was so much fun! And we got some amazing things. We are so blessed to have such wonderful family and friends in our lives!
I'm trying so hard to offer it up to God....and I pray so hard everyday for peace, strength and wisdom.....I know God will provide for our needs-it's just the process is so stressful.
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