My Dear Wonderful Loving Husband

I love Mike with my entire heart and soul. He is the 1 TRUE LOVE OF MY LIFE! I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else but him. Marriage is so wonderful like that...."TILL DEATH DO US PART" FOREVER!! I love knowing that! Forever seems so permanent-and I LOVE THAT!

Mike and I have had our fair share of rough times in our relationship. Our marriage in and of itself has been good...but Mike's life thus far has been anything but easy. I feel so blessed to grow up in the family that God Blessed me with. I know Mike has said over and over that he wishes his memories were as good as mine. His parents divorced when he was quite young. He was never very close with his dad, but for a few years they worked really hard to rebuild there relationship-and it was getting much better. But....His Dad died suddenly in a fire about 9 months after Mike got married. (almost 7 years ago)6 months later he was divorced. His relationship with his mom is stable-although he feels as though there is distance between them. He's not as close to her as he'd like to be.

Mike and I started dating...and dated for 4 years before we were married. He has always said that he found God again when he met me. He felt so alone and that he didn't know what to do with his life...God helped him through some of the toughest times in his life. And now-he's helping us through this. With that said...I will say this.

Mike is so strong for me. He's always there. Always someone for me to lean on for support in my job, in my everyday decisions, in EVERYTHING! I do the same for him....but Mike told me something last night that made me so sad...that he felt so alone. He feels like he is going through this alone. He knows he has me...but I'm his wife. There are times you need someone to talk to besides your spouse when it comes to things like this. He has friends-and many good friends....but some of those friends that he has told-just don't seem to get it. It's like..."hey that sucks" and then change of subject. And guys are different like that-but Mike is an emotional guy. He'll cry at a movie, and he'll cry when he's sad....don't get me wrong-he's about as manly as they come...but he can wear his emotions on his sleeve. Last night I just held him and he cried and cried. I felt so bad for him-because he feels so alone. He can only really talk to me about it...he needs someone to talk to. His brother doesn't get it...and just kinda blows it off like its not a big deal.

I just want to fix it all....I know we aren't meant to have biological children of our own...and we/I can deal with that...but I want to make him feel better-and healed emotionally. But I can't do that. I don't know how or what to do. He's my rock-and my strength...but I feel like I can't do the same for him. He knows I'm always here for him...but I just feel like I should be doing more-but I don't know what.

So for those of you that pray...we need prayers. For both of us-but especially Mike. He needs strength to get through this. Strength that no one but God can give him.

Tears...Tears...more Tears....

Thats how I feel today. Today at least I have some emotion.....sadness...extreme sadness. I woke up this morning just sad. I feel like I could cry. And now that I'm sitting at my desk at work typing this-the tears are starting to fall...

I got to work and I checked my email and facebook and the first thing I see are the baby pictures I've been trying to avoid for a few days. I honestly feel like I've been robbed. I will NEVER HAVE THAT MOMENT! I will never ever have the moment of a grueling painful awful labor, to give that final push and have my baby set on my stomach.... I will never have the moment of feeling the baby for the first time in my stomach. WHY!?!?! What did I do to deserve this! I just don't understand. I feel like I'm being punished. I know I shouldn't feel like this-but honestly-I do. I know God has his plans I just need to wait and find out what those plans are, but I really just dont' understand why we have to go through all of this pain and heartache, sadness, frustration, anger, bitterness, and hurt to have a baby. When there are women out there who don't want a baby and get pregnant without any trouble. I just don't understand.

I hurt so badly-and I don't like to hurt. I want to crawl in a little ball and just cry. I know I can't-but I want to so badly.

Parts of this honestly come from the lack of support we have felt from some people around us. MOST HAVE BEEN SO WONDERFUL!! Others it seems almost go to that extra mile to talk about there pregnancy in front of me or directly to me. They talk about all of the annoying pulls and uncomfortableness that comes along with it. I just want to shake them and say-WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS!?!?!? Don't you think That I would give anything to feel that uncomfortableness and have those "annoying" kicks in the middle of the night keeping me awake-and being able to take Mike's hand and put it on my stomach and say-"hun-that's your baby." I Won't ever be able to do that! And you are telling me that you are uncomfortable! People just don't get it!
It hurts alot to have people that you think/thought are your friends to be that insensitive about your feelings. These are the people that you rely on for strength-and they are the ones that are being the most hurtful. And these are the people that I'm being forced to separate myself from because it causes me more pain to be with them-then to not.

I wish I could just explain to people-that I hurt-and its not something that I'm just going to get over-over night. Its going to be a long time before I can do what you call...."Just adopting." So bare with me if my emotions don't quite fall into happiness and jumping for joy all the time over the pregnancy that you seem to be throwing in my face....or on a completely different note...sympathy for the thought that you "may one day of trouble trying to conceive." Because although I hope and pray that you never have to go through the TTTC phase...don't tell me you know how I feel because you may one day experience TTTC-which is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT then NEVER BEING ABLE TO CONCEIVE!