I'M GOING TO BE A MOMMY!!!

HIS TIME HAS COME!!

Wow-my heart is truly full....with so many emotions. This week has been nothing short of amazing and stressful and nerve wracking.

This will get long-but I need to put everything down so I can look back and remember how this all happened.

On July 15th we had our last homestudy visit. We were told we were approved right away-but we had to wait for it to become official until we signed it and our social worker signed it etc. We get our homestudy via email sent to us last Monday-the 27th. We read it and make the few changes and sent it back-we were "officially" approved on the 29th.

On July 31st our SW called us and told us to look at the list of agencies she was sending us so that we could decide where we wanted the rest of our profiles sent to-since they work with so many agencies around the country. We decided on one and we mail our newly printed profile books to our agency on the 31st in the afternoon-she receives them Monday morning.

Monday Afternoon around noon our SW calls us with a "situation." Our profile fit the criteria for a BM-and she wanted to know if we wanted our profile shown. For personal reasons we decided not to. There was a lengthy list of medical issues with mom and mental issues as well, and as much as we wanted to say yes, we felt we would be selfish in doing so-because we knew that we couldn't provide for that baby in the future with the mental and medical issues that could arise. So after thinking and praying about it for 24 hours I called her back on Tuesday morning and told her no. We start talking about the agency we had chosen and she told us that the director of the agency was going to call us and give us all of the info we needed to officially make our decision.

Fast forward to noon on Tuesday-the director of our agency calls us. She informs me that another situation has come up this time with the agency we chose to have our profile books sent to. She gives us the background on mom and afer a lot of thinking and praying-we said YES! So we sent our profile book down via email to the agency-since BM was coming in sometime on Wednesday. I emailed the book down, get a phone call on Wednesday morning from SW at new agency stating BM is now not coming in until Thursday....all this time-I'm calm and thinking no biggie. We weren't getting our hopes up.

The SW with the new agency calls me Thursday morning and says BM is coming in Thursday afternoon to look at the books and she will call me after and let me know how it goes. My phone rang yesterday at about 2 pm...and my heart began to race. I will never forget those words!!! "Erin....this is Jennifer with ___________ I have some exciting news for you!! You have been chosen!" I immediately began crying. Sobbing actually. Than the SW started crying...so it was one big sob fest!! Good tears of course!! I told her I had to go home and find Mike and tell him. She asked me if we ever had any wishes of talking with BM. I said of course we'd love to...so she says-well she's still here...my response...oh you meant TODAY!?!? :)

So I went home....a sobbing mess and I told Mike...luckily not a far drive. I sobbed when I told him...than he sobbed....and we sobbed some more. SW called me back and said BM was there and if we wanted to she would put us on a conferece call. So we did....crying and all-we talked to her on the phone. She is TRULY AMAZING!! That's all I can say...AMAZING!!!

We talked to her for about 20 minutes on the phone and at the end she asked if I would be in the delivery room with her. WOW!! I TOLD YOU SHE WAS AMAZING!!! Of course through tears I said Yes-and that I would be honored. She asked if she could talk with us more on the phone before D Day-which is NOVEMBER 10th! We said of course! So we plan on talking with her many more times before then! And we are so excited to get to know her more!!!

GOD IS GOOD! AND HE HAS TRULY BLESSED US!!!!

One Year Ago Yesterday....

It's truly amazing how much can change in a year's time and how much a heart can heal. One year ago today, I was preparing for my lap which was scheduled for Monday morning. I was at home with Mike when the phone rang-it was Dr. Z....immediately my heart raced-what would he be calling me for-and why is he calling me from his home? Pre-op question...my gut told me something was wrong.

He had the results of Mike's SA and the news of finding out that Mike was sterile are words that I will never forget. Really I think more than anything it was the fear of how am I going to tell Mike. My heart was breaking for us-but not knowing how I was going to tell him scared me more than anything. But-I mustered through the tears and told him....and we cried...and we cried...and we cried some more. Thinking about that day brings a lot of those feelings back, but in no way the magnitude of what I felt that day. The feelings I have are more so remembering being sad for us...knowing that our future with kids was unknown.

Who would have thought that almost a year to the date later we would have found out that we are Home study approved and that we are officially waiting for our first baby to come home. Who would have thought that our hearts could heal themselves and allow us to be excited for the future and what is in store for us. I surely never in my wildest dreams thought that our lives were ever going to be happy again after we got that news. God however, had His plans, and of course we are thrilled and beyond excited for how our family is going to grow.

I have never been one to doubt God's plan. However, I would be lying if I said that there wasn't a time in my life where I was angry at God and asked him WHY? Why us, why do we have to go through all of this? What are you trying to prove? Now I look at us in this situation and say "Thank you for giving us the amazing gift of Adoption." Thank you for blessing us and allowing our family to grow. I coined a phrase that I have put on this blog a few times-but it is one that I tell myself quite frequently:

"There are very few people that get to experience the miracle and joys of adoption. We have been chosen to receive this beautiful miracle. We have been chosen because we are special."

So as hard as it is to not think on that day with great sadness, we look ahead with joy and excitement. My heart still hurts but in a different way. We are beyond excited for our little one to arrive, and we are sad for what he had to go through, but we know that it is all part of His perfect plan for us and we have learned to accept that.

HOME STUDY APPROVED!

I Know I have been an awful blogger...I think I have said that before...many times...truth is-time flies during the day-and at night-I'm busy doing other things-that I just forget to blog!

ANYWAYS!!! Our last Home study was last night-and we are HOME STUDY APPROVED!!! WHAT A RELIEF!!! OH MY GOSH!!! I never wanted to let myself think we couldn't be approved..but the realization is that everyone can not be for one reason or another. But regardless-WE ARE APPROVED!!! We officially are waiting for BABY R #1!!!

It's crazy, exciting, stressful, emotional time-but we are so happy....so so happy! It was almost 1 year ago to the day that we got our dx of infertility (azoospermia). It was July 21st. Who would have thought that almost a year to the date later we would be "expecting" our first miracle. God's plan is truly AMAZING!

Homestudy Number 2

It went very well. I can't say enough good things about our agency and social worker. She is truly awesome. I can't imagine going through this with someone cold or not very pleasant. Honestly when we talk with her its like visiting with friends over coffee. It's great. We made her tear up when we started talking about "E" It was a hard day for Mike and I, and we knew we couldn't fool her by pretending that we were ok. When she asked how we were doing-and how are day was-I almost broke down. Luckily Mike had it together-so he told her. She of course apologized....and said how sorry she was. We made it through without totally breaking down.

She dropped off another 16 pages of paperwork. SERIOUSLY 16 pages! I COUNTED!!! I wasn't even finished with the last 12 that she dropped off! Ugh! Luckily we've got a few weeks before the next home visit-so we can finish them. Those "essay form" questions are a killer!! She also dropped off a few sample profile books for us to look at. That was a big relief. We had no idea how to start that-so that helps a lot.

As you can see from my previous post-yesterday was a rough day. Sweet "E" went home to Jesus. It was a really hard day for me. "E" was such a sweet soul. So precious....so sweet, loving, caring, his smile could light up a room. I miss him so much. I know where he is-so I can't help but be happy for him-but so sad for us who are left behind. Mike and I said he probably ran through the gates of Heaven with those new legs of his. He ran-pain free into the arms of Jesus. I talked with his mom this morning-and she said before he died she told him that he needed to communicate one way or another that he was there with Jesus....and that he was so happy. She told me he smiled at her-a big big smile. A few hours later he was gone. My heart breaks for the family. Parents shouldn't bury there children. THAT'S NOT THE WAY IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE!!!! I know God has his plans, but sometimes its so hard for me to understand. "E" was put on this earth for a reason-and durig his time here he taught me SO MUCH! SO SO MUCH!!! More than I ever thought I could learn from a 2 year old-all the way up until he was 9!!! That little boy was so special to me-I can't imagine going to see his brother now, and not seeing "E" with him . My heart aches, but I know he's happy now, pain free, and with Jesus.....so for that I Need to be happy for him. That doesn't mean-I'm not going to miss him I will.....so incredibly much.

Last night we laid in bed-and I just cried and cried. Mike held me and I cried some more. He knows just how to console me....he's so amazing. "E's" parents called us last night. They asked Mike to be a pall bearer. Of course he was honored and he said yes. That is going to be a tough day. The day when we have to really say not goodbye but "I'll see you later." I dread it-but sometimes those days help me move on. But it still is going to be a VERY VERY HARD DAY.

Rest in Peace "E" I love you and Miss you

Rest in Peace

Rest in Peace"E".....You are now an Angel in Heaven looking down on us. I Love you and Miss you....

It's not goodbye....It's I'll see you Later.

"I look at life as a gift of God. Now that he wants it back I have no right to complain."
---Joyce Cary

"Give me Jesus"

7 1/2 years ago on September 11th, 2001 was a day that I will NEVER forget. Not only was that a day that will go down in history for our country, but was also the day that I walked into the best most rewarding job that I have ever had. It was the day I interviewed for a position as a CNA at home for children with special needs. Working there was never something that worried me-however, I would be lying if I said I was never nervous. I was very nervous, not knowing how to take care of some of the kids, especially being that I was working in the medically fragile unit.

I started working there 3 weeks later on October 1st. AMAZING. I loved it, I loved every second of it. Those kids touched my life in a way that I have never been touched before. They tought me about strength, about love and about faith. They tought me that life is truly what you make of it. And that every day is a gift from God.

My first day wasn't exactly scary-but nervewracking. I had never worked in the healthcare field directly. However, I was going to school to become a nurse so I felt that certain things just came natural to me. I remember someone telling me, try and not get to attached to these kids. Many of them move on to group homes, or move out of our direct care area, and unfortunately some of them die. I wish not getting attached was easy.....it's not.

My first day-I walked in and was greeted by a beautiful little 3 year old boy. He melted my heart. His smile was contagious and his eyes just melted me. I sat and rocked him.....he was the first child I ever held when I worked there. He was the first one that held my hand....and he was the first one that I can truly say I fell in love with. That little boy, whom I will call "E" was the one that I looked forward to working with everyday when I went in. I looked forward to seeing his smile, to crawling into bed with him and reading stories and listening to his Christian music. "E" is non-verbal....so he could not talk to me using "actual words." He had certain cues he would do to let us know what he wanted or didn't want. Our favorite song of all time was "You'll Be In My Heart" by Phil Collins. WE LOVED THAT SONG!!! We would put it on repeat and listen to it for hours....boy did that make that little boy smile. His other favorite....
"Barbie Girl" by Aqua. Oh gosh that song would make him so exicted he would practically come out of his wheelchair. Those are the memories of "E" that I will treasure forever.

5 weeks ago "E" was sent to the hospital for a major surgery. That surgery was going to drastically improve his quality of life. Unfortunately, after several post op complications "E" will be going home with Hospice care. He will not be going back to be with his twin brother, who will miss him SO MUCH, but instead he will be leaving this earth, and going to walk with Jesus in Heaven. My heart is truly breaking. A few weeks ago we stopped at the hospital to see him when we were visiting my family. He was in the children's hospital not far away-and Mike and I both wanted to see him. (Mike took care of "E" to...that's how Mike and I met-was working there.) When I left there I gave him a hug and kiss and told him how much I loved him. I had no idea, that that will more than likely be the last time I would see him.

This weekend I will spend looking through pictures of him and putting them to a video for his mom and dad. I don't know how much time that sweet amazingly beautiful little boy has left on this earth, but I know he is going to live in the heart of Mike and I forever. I will never forget that beautiful smile or those big blue eyes. He is truly the most amazing little boy ever.

So, if any of you readers have any wonderful Christian songs that would be good for a video, please pass the names on to me. I have a few picked out, but I need a few more.

Please keep "E" and his family (Mom, Dad, Twin Brother and 3 other siblings) in your thoughts and prayers. They need A LOT of strength to get through the weeks, months, and years ahead.

Ugh...If there were only more time...

In a day. I would have more time to blog! My poor blog is so neglected sometimes! :)

Well Homestudy Number 2 is on MONDAY!!! As a very good friend of mine says: HOLY CRAPSACK!!! I'm beyond excited about it!! I'm really not nervous-but that could change come Monday afternoon. I'm just excited to start the waiting process. There is a classic adoption saying: "Hurry up and wait!" Thats where we're at right now....

My first wedding 2 weeks ago....well that was interesting to say the least. I had a blast taking pictures-and honestly-for my first wedding-I'm not to disappointed with how they turned out!! I took about 1000 through out the day, and my husband's cousin who came for about 2 hours to get 2 camera's during the ceremony-took about 200. So we have A LOT of pictures to pass onto the bride and groom. Hopefully they are happy with them!! They were very excited with the sneak peak that I gave them.

I'm hoping to start a photography blog in the next few days...We'll see if it happens. I have a mound of paperwork to finish and a family session to edit and a maternity session tonight. So, we'll see what happens! No promises! :)