I'm so in love with my husband. While I would NEVER wish our situation on ANYONE-even my worst enemy, I know that I would never be able to go through something like this without him.
He feels terrible though that I more than likely will never be able to experience pregnancy "because of him." While I have NEVER thought it was his fault-or placed blame on him-he still feels responsible. Much in the same way I did when I got the dx of endo, and was told it would be difficult to conceive. Now multiply that times a million-when you are told that you more than likely CAN'T conceive...and thats how he feels. I feel the same pain he does-but I know he in a sense feels worse-becasue he feels responsible. Last night when we were lying in bed he rolls next to me and says he sorry that we didn't get better answers after his surgery. Of course I told him there was nothing to be sorry for-and that these were the cards we were dealt. But again-he feels responsible.
While I don't claim to be prophetic at all...these are the words that came out of my mouth....and I think he maybe was able to look at things from a different angle.
"Millions of people get to experience pregnancy...every day. Women get the amazing feeling of having a child inside of them and growing. Men get to watch there wives glow with excitement with every move the baby makes. But there are very few people that get to experience the miracle and joys of adoption. We have been chosen to receive this beautiful miracle. We have been chosen because we are special."
Again, I am not a prophetic person.....but for anyone who is struggling with IF.....and the ups and downs of adoption....I look back on those words-and think....yes....we are very special indeed.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
Surgery Day...
I sent this to my friend Rachel...and it summarized it all pretty well...so I'm just C&P here....
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WOW! What a LONG day!! Mike's surgery was supposed to start at 8:30....but got pushed back to 9:30 for some reason-I'm guessing they got behind with one surgery-and a domino effect. He told us that it would take anywhere from an hour and half to 3 hours...at 3 1/2 hours-I was getting REALLY nervous. He finally came out to talk to me!
This is what we know. His tubes are clear. Which is a GOOD thing. That means that if he is producing sperm-there isn't a blockage and that will prevent them from getting through. HOWEVER, that does mean-that if he is producing them, there is a blockage in the testicle itself....which is just as serious of a problem as if there was a blockage in the tubes. However, that isn't a for sure thing. The only way they will know that is when all of the pathology reports come back-which could take anywhere from a week to 2 weeks. The main report he ran-was just to test the biopsy that he took to see if there were any sperm present. If not, then we know that is just the way he was born...and we move on. However, if there are-then we go back to the dilemma-on whether or not the blockage in the testicle itself is fixable. The dr. said it's a tough call-and just as invasive of a surgery as the orginal BIG one of the tubes that we had originally thought we would need. But before he talks about all of that he wants to get all of the test results back.
So once again we are left wondering and questions unanswered...but at least in the next few weeks we should have some kind of an idea as to what is going on.
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WOW! What a LONG day!! Mike's surgery was supposed to start at 8:30....but got pushed back to 9:30 for some reason-I'm guessing they got behind with one surgery-and a domino effect. He told us that it would take anywhere from an hour and half to 3 hours...at 3 1/2 hours-I was getting REALLY nervous. He finally came out to talk to me!
This is what we know. His tubes are clear. Which is a GOOD thing. That means that if he is producing sperm-there isn't a blockage and that will prevent them from getting through. HOWEVER, that does mean-that if he is producing them, there is a blockage in the testicle itself....which is just as serious of a problem as if there was a blockage in the tubes. However, that isn't a for sure thing. The only way they will know that is when all of the pathology reports come back-which could take anywhere from a week to 2 weeks. The main report he ran-was just to test the biopsy that he took to see if there were any sperm present. If not, then we know that is just the way he was born...and we move on. However, if there are-then we go back to the dilemma-on whether or not the blockage in the testicle itself is fixable. The dr. said it's a tough call-and just as invasive of a surgery as the orginal BIG one of the tubes that we had originally thought we would need. But before he talks about all of that he wants to get all of the test results back.
So once again we are left wondering and questions unanswered...but at least in the next few weeks we should have some kind of an idea as to what is going on.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Ugh...what is THE WORST thing that can happen when traveling....
FOOD POISONING! Wait...how about altitude sickness and FOOD POISONING! Ugh....Shoot me now!
I had to cancel one of my meetings this morning-which I felt terrible about doing...but there was just no way.
I'm feeling slightly better-keeping water in me YAY so I'm hoping with a nap and some gatorade I feel better in time for my 4:30 meeting.
I HOPE!!!
I had to cancel one of my meetings this morning-which I felt terrible about doing...but there was just no way.
I'm feeling slightly better-keeping water in me YAY so I'm hoping with a nap and some gatorade I feel better in time for my 4:30 meeting.
I HOPE!!!
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Work...Surgeries....and oh yea...Work
Work has kept me SOOO busy lately! I'm in Denver now-until Thursday.....luckily-the weather has been GORGEOUS-at almost 80 degrees and Sunny. I was told not to get used to it or expect it next year when I come back-because this is very out of the norm. So far-Denver is good...I've never been here before-I'm hoping on Thursday I'll be able to go do some sightseeing. I haven't done much of that yet-so I'm excited to finish all of my work stuff tomorrow night-and spend all day Thursday-just seeing what this city is all about.
Friday early morning....is Mike's surgery. Ugh....it seems like it's taken FOREVER to get to this point. But Friday we will have answers. Our insurance company never agreed to pay for the full surgery. So we are just doing the first part of it. The biopsy and the "vasogram." Basically that means-checking the tubes to see where the blockage is-and if it is worth fixing. (basically is the risk of doing the surgery-greater than the benefit-since we know that even if it is fixed, our chances are around 25% or less of ever conceiving.) So-at least on Friday we will know. And we will know if we will want to go ahead with the BIG surgery in a few years-after we could save up.
I feel so out of the loop these days-like my life is just SO BUSY that I don't even have time to breathe. But I do have to say-that I really enjoy my job....it's just that sometimes....I'm soooo busy and that can take a toll on me. But like I said-I really love my job....so it is worth it. And these busy times are only a few times a year...so it's really not so bad. :)
Friday early morning....is Mike's surgery. Ugh....it seems like it's taken FOREVER to get to this point. But Friday we will have answers. Our insurance company never agreed to pay for the full surgery. So we are just doing the first part of it. The biopsy and the "vasogram." Basically that means-checking the tubes to see where the blockage is-and if it is worth fixing. (basically is the risk of doing the surgery-greater than the benefit-since we know that even if it is fixed, our chances are around 25% or less of ever conceiving.) So-at least on Friday we will know. And we will know if we will want to go ahead with the BIG surgery in a few years-after we could save up.
I feel so out of the loop these days-like my life is just SO BUSY that I don't even have time to breathe. But I do have to say-that I really enjoy my job....it's just that sometimes....I'm soooo busy and that can take a toll on me. But like I said-I really love my job....so it is worth it. And these busy times are only a few times a year...so it's really not so bad. :)
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Why is it?...?...?
That when you don't feel good-and you know you look like crap because you feel like crap that people insist on telling you look like crap. I love my husband-but sometimes...he just doesn't know what to say...so he says whatever he's thinking.
I'm home sick from work-migraine, fever, stuffy nose, cough, the whole shebang...and what does Mike say to me this morning...oh..you look terrible!
Gee thanks honey! I love him so very much-but sometimes....I wonder about him! :)
I'm home sick from work-migraine, fever, stuffy nose, cough, the whole shebang...and what does Mike say to me this morning...oh..you look terrible!
Gee thanks honey! I love him so very much-but sometimes....I wonder about him! :)
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Today....should be a HAPPY day...
Afterall-it is my birthday...but I find myself so sad today.
I miss my family so much! We spend all last weekend with them-and it was amazing. My parents came up last night to drop off there dog.....so we could dog sit/nurse her back to health. (She got hurt last weekend when we were there....and they decided to have her have surgery here vs. there regular vet-cause the surgery was $2000 cheaper...go figure!!).
But saying goodbye to them was really hard this morning. I didn't cry in front of them....but once I came inside and they drove away I cried. Now tonight-Mike went to the store and bought all the supplies to make a beautiful supper for me...to try and make things better. And I know he'll do a great job....I just miss my family so much....
I miss my family so much! We spend all last weekend with them-and it was amazing. My parents came up last night to drop off there dog.....so we could dog sit/nurse her back to health. (She got hurt last weekend when we were there....and they decided to have her have surgery here vs. there regular vet-cause the surgery was $2000 cheaper...go figure!!).
But saying goodbye to them was really hard this morning. I didn't cry in front of them....but once I came inside and they drove away I cried. Now tonight-Mike went to the store and bought all the supplies to make a beautiful supper for me...to try and make things better. And I know he'll do a great job....I just miss my family so much....
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
We're back...rested....relaxed....oh wait...nevermind
Ok...well first of all I should say this-I feel so out of touch with blogland lately :) I mean-my life has been insane the past few weeks with work, traveling, my computer crashing 4 times and getting over 15 viruses and countless spyware files...my phone dying...I feel so out of touch with the world. But regardless....I'm back now-and hoping to be blooging more lately :)
Well we had a great weekend with my family. It was so nice to see them. We had a very nice talk with my aunt and uncle who adopted there youngest from South Korea about 20 years ago. It was SO NICE to talk to people who have been through it. Who know how it feels and who can relate to the ups and downs of adoption. I was a bit nervous as this was the first time I had seen my family since we found out about our IF issues. But, it was a really good weekend. Everyone was more supportive of our decisions than I was originally expecting. And now I feel bad about thinking they would think otherwise. I Love my family!! It was so hard to leave on Sunday. My neices made me cry. When we told them we had to leave, my oldest one looked at us and said she didn't want us to leave cause she didn't get to spend enough time with us. It broke my heart. (The night before she told us she wanted a cousin. I told her maybe next year...and she said-that was ok-she could make it work. :) She's only 4!!!)
Then the ball dropped when we got back....at least thats kind of how it felt. Turns out the insurance company was much quicker than we were expecting in processing our appeal. We had a letter waiting for us. Turns out they will cover Mike's surgery...but only up to $20,000. To bad it's going to cost between $30,000 and $40,000!!! I called them on Monday because I had a few questions about the letter and she said that $20,000 will go towards the lifetime maximum IF credit. So if there are any other appts in the future that are related to IF they won't be covered. Then she proceeds to tell me that if there are any complications, and if he ends up back in the hospital for an infection, or anything related to the surgery it wont' be covered because the surgery is elective. So at $2500 a day (minimum) for a hospital stay...we said we just couldn't do it. We can't afford that type of procedure when it might not work-and we are risking a lot of money on something that isn't gauranteed. However, we are going to go along with a biopsy. The biopsy will tell us 2 things. 1-that either he was born with or without sperm, and 2 if there are sperm present in the biopsy, then we know that there was definitely a mistake made during the surgery when he was 2. A biopsy is much less invasive and usually can be done under a local anesthetic vs. general.
So that's where we are at....it's all so weird to me. I asked Mike the other night-what ever happened to just having sex to get pregnant? He asked if that actually works? :)
We are really excited to be moving on to adoption. I mean-that is one thing that we feel we have some control over in our lives right now. In a lot of ways we have no control over it-but in some we do-and in the end-we know that we will have a baby-one way or another we will have a baby. And that is exciting.
I know God has given me the strength the last few months. I know I couldn't get through this without him. And for that-I'm eternally greatful for my faith. It is such a blessing to know that he has a hand in this. It might not be our plans, but they are his...and I know his plans are better than anything I could ever imagine. He has the perfect baby in store for us. It's just a matter of when we get to meet him or her.
Well we had a great weekend with my family. It was so nice to see them. We had a very nice talk with my aunt and uncle who adopted there youngest from South Korea about 20 years ago. It was SO NICE to talk to people who have been through it. Who know how it feels and who can relate to the ups and downs of adoption. I was a bit nervous as this was the first time I had seen my family since we found out about our IF issues. But, it was a really good weekend. Everyone was more supportive of our decisions than I was originally expecting. And now I feel bad about thinking they would think otherwise. I Love my family!! It was so hard to leave on Sunday. My neices made me cry. When we told them we had to leave, my oldest one looked at us and said she didn't want us to leave cause she didn't get to spend enough time with us. It broke my heart. (The night before she told us she wanted a cousin. I told her maybe next year...and she said-that was ok-she could make it work. :) She's only 4!!!)
Then the ball dropped when we got back....at least thats kind of how it felt. Turns out the insurance company was much quicker than we were expecting in processing our appeal. We had a letter waiting for us. Turns out they will cover Mike's surgery...but only up to $20,000. To bad it's going to cost between $30,000 and $40,000!!! I called them on Monday because I had a few questions about the letter and she said that $20,000 will go towards the lifetime maximum IF credit. So if there are any other appts in the future that are related to IF they won't be covered. Then she proceeds to tell me that if there are any complications, and if he ends up back in the hospital for an infection, or anything related to the surgery it wont' be covered because the surgery is elective. So at $2500 a day (minimum) for a hospital stay...we said we just couldn't do it. We can't afford that type of procedure when it might not work-and we are risking a lot of money on something that isn't gauranteed. However, we are going to go along with a biopsy. The biopsy will tell us 2 things. 1-that either he was born with or without sperm, and 2 if there are sperm present in the biopsy, then we know that there was definitely a mistake made during the surgery when he was 2. A biopsy is much less invasive and usually can be done under a local anesthetic vs. general.
So that's where we are at....it's all so weird to me. I asked Mike the other night-what ever happened to just having sex to get pregnant? He asked if that actually works? :)
We are really excited to be moving on to adoption. I mean-that is one thing that we feel we have some control over in our lives right now. In a lot of ways we have no control over it-but in some we do-and in the end-we know that we will have a baby-one way or another we will have a baby. And that is exciting.
I know God has given me the strength the last few months. I know I couldn't get through this without him. And for that-I'm eternally greatful for my faith. It is such a blessing to know that he has a hand in this. It might not be our plans, but they are his...and I know his plans are better than anything I could ever imagine. He has the perfect baby in store for us. It's just a matter of when we get to meet him or her.
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