Waiting for His Time

2 Years Ago Today....

2010-07-21T08:04:00.002-05:00

I've been thinking about how to continue this blog-and if I even would continue it after we met our beautiful little boy. It's purpose when I started was to get "down on paper" all that I was feeling when it came to our struggle to build our family. Now that our beautiful little boy is in our life-it seems as though the purpose is over....well maybe the original purpose. Now I think its going to take on a new roll of how we are doing as a family...now a family of 3 (and 2 furry family members as well.)

Yesterday when I was talking on the phone to a sweet friend of mine who is pregnant with her first...we were talking about infertility a bit and how I tried my hardest to not let it take over my life. I tried to continue my life as normal-or as normal as it could be. To me infertility wasn't going to win. I would be a mom-I knew that was God's plan for me-just how was going to be a little bit different. While we were talking I was thinking back about the day Mike and I found out we would never have a biological child of our own. (Please note-as Oprah once said-"Biology is the least of which makes you a mother.") I was remembering that day and how it was filled with so much sadness-and then it popped into my head-it was 2 years ago-to the date that we had found out about our infertility. At that moment I looked down at my beautiful little boy who was sleeping in my arms and I told her-that none of what I went through mattered because of how blessed we are with Jeremiah. I would go through all of those feelings again in a heartbeat to get him. The hurt, the anger, frustration, confusion, emptiness-all of it-WORTH IT! He is by far the best thing that has ever happened to us.

2 years ago today-I thought our lives were over....but in reality that was God's way of closing a chapter in our lives and starting a new one. A new chapter on adoption-one that is going to be open for a long time-as we continue to build our family this way.

So-as I remember that day-I do feel a bit of sadness in my heart because I remember how much sadness we felt-but then I look at it and tell God thank you...without that day-we would never have been given the most amazing gift of all....our son.

Jeremiah Paul....Part III

2010-02-05T10:02:00.003-06:00

I'm sorry-life is crazy busy right now...but here is the final excerpt to Jeremiah's "entrance" into our lives.

We were driving to Florida-it was about a 5 hour drive from where he had flown into. Traffic was horrible...and all I could think about was why weren't we called and is this a sign of what is to come-i.e BM will change her mind. Eventually around 9:00 after we had been in the car for a few hours and I realized that we weren't going to get to FL until about 1:00 am if not a little later-I called J. I asked her what we were supposed to do...go right to the hospital-or wait until morning. Of course I wanted to go-but we hadn't met "E" yet-and I didn't know if Jeremiah would be in the room with her or in the nursery or what. She said to wait until morning-that E's social worker would meet us there first thing. Ok....so we drove...the LONGEST drive EVER. We got to our hotel in FL at about 1:30 in the morning...unpacked a bit....and crashed. I was surprised-I slept-but I did-hard. I was emotionally drained...but I woke up early the next morning-waited for E's social worker to call me.

She called and said she would meet us at the hospital at 10:00...perfect...Mike and I got to the hospital a bit before we had picked up a bouquet of flowers for E and we waited....and waited..and waited...and her social worker walked in at 10:45!!! 45 minutes late-and acted like it wasn't a big deal!!! UM-WE ARE MEETING OUR SON...COULD YOU AT LEAST TRY AND BE ON TIME!!! (I didn't say it-but wanted to). She gave me some crazy excuse and we got in the elevator. We got to the L&D suites. My heart was pounding. Jeremiah was in the room with "E". "L"-the social worker turned to us and said-as much as this is emotional-focus on "E" not you or the baby. Ok-don't misunderstand-I know this is about her...but I'm about to meet my son for the first time-and you are telling me to not focus on that...WHAT!?!!? UGH! So in we went....E was in bed watching TV and Jeremiah was sleeping in his bassinet.

We looked at "E" and my eyes started to fill with tears. I didn't know what to say-or how to act. We had talked on the phone many many times-but seeing her was different. "E" picked up Jeremiah-and held him for a few minutes....I didn't ask to hold him-I wanted her to give him to me when she was ready. She started talking to us...and after a few minutes-it was like we had known her forever. "L" was there for a bit-and "E" handed Jeremiah to "L" who then handed him to me....and I immediately started crying. I looked down at this beautiful baby boy and couldn't believe that he was finally here. I remember asking "E" if I could take his hat off...and she looked at me and said "hun-he's your baby...you can do whatever you want!" I took off his little hat-and there in front of me was thick black curly hair....LOTS OF HAIR!!! I couldn't believe it! I just stared at him....he eventually woke up a bit and just stared at me. After a bit I handed him to Mike-who of course started crying as well...he was holding his son....the one he had waited for for SO LONG.

After a bit-"E" went for a walk around the hospital and left us alone with Jeremiah...and then the tears started flowing. I cried and cried and just held that little boy in my arms and just told him how much I loved him. He looked at me with his big brown eyes and I said...."I'm your mommy." The amount of love I had for him was unbelievable. I didn't know it was possible to love someone SO MUCH SO FAST!! But I did.

We got to spend the entire day with "E" in the hospital. Talking with her-getting to know her better-taking lots and lots of pictures with her and Jeremiah together. It was so wonderful to spend that time with her. We talked about her other children and her family. She is so amazing! I love her so much!!!

After her social worker left...the entire story about her L&D came out. Here's a brief summary:

Friday night-her contractions started-about every 45 minutes apart. Nothing to be to excited about. She went to bed-woke up on Saturday-they were about every 20-30 minutes apart-again nothing to exciting. She had called her SW on Friday to let her know that she was having contractions because in case anything happened during the night-her SW had agreed to come and pick her up and drive her to the hospital. Sat. morning she called and told her SW that they were 20-30 minutes apart-and she would keep her posted-if they got any closer throughout the day. At 2:00 on the dot-they hit every 5 minutes....so she knew it was time. She called her SW to ask her to come get her-and her SW told her to call her dr. "E" was pissed. She knew it was time to go-and her SW said she had stuff going on-so that she should call her dr. to make sure he wanted her to come in right away. ARE YOU SERIOUS!!!!!!!!! UGH!! I'm fuming as she's telling me this. (Mind you...we still haven't been called or told she is having contractions-even though-"E" wanted me there for L&D)

E gets ahold of her dr. her dr. says YES-COME IN-NOW! (Her previous labor was 5 hours...so he knew she didn't have much time.) By this time its shortly before 3:00. She calls her social worker 5 times....and SHE DOESN'T ANSWER!!! WHO DOES THAT?!?! So at 4:00 she calls a cab. "E" gets in the cab-gets to the hospital at 4:20 and Jeremiah was born at 4:32. Yes-he was a stoplight away from being born in a cab! "E" social worker didn't even get to the hospital unti 6:45 that night-Jeremiah was 2 hours old. So not only did she take a cab to the hospital...but she was lone during Delivery. BROKE MY HEART-and let me tell you-I WAS NOT HAPPY! "E" had called her oldest daughter to tell her that he had been born-around 5:30. Hence why when I called her house-we were told he had already been born. When we got the call from "J" that he had been born-that was because her social worker had just gotten to the hospital and confirmed that-yes indeed he was here. She told us all of that after her SW left. My mind was racing and I was so irritated. They made her feel like she was nothing and not important! I was NOT IMPRESSED AT ALL.
Fast forward...

After we were there most of the day-we told her we were going to let her get some rest and I wanted her to spend time with Jeremiah. I wanted her to take the time she needed with him. She had told me that hindsight-since I wasn't there for the delivery-it was kind of good for her because she was able to spend the night with him and tell him everything she needed to say. She said she knew he didn't understand-but it gave her peace. So for that-I'm grateful. God works in mysterious ways-and he knew what "E" needed-and so he provided her with that time. Am I said I missed the birth of my son-Absolutely-but am I grateful that she got that time with him-DEFINITELY. I wouldn't take that time away from her at all.

We left around 4:30-and we told her we would come back around 6:30 and bring her dinner. By this time our SW and the director of the agency had called and said they were going to be there at 8:00. (That was after they were supposed to be there at 2:00 and called at 4:15 and said they were coming at 8:00 instead.) So we left-went and did some shopping for food for the week and went back to the hotel...made a few phone calls. We went back to the hospital around 6:30-and "E" decided what she wanted for supper. Mike went to get it and "E" and I got some time together. It was really nice-we talked a lot-and she kept telling me how grateful she was for us. (SERIOUSLY!AMAZING!!) After a bit Mike came back and soon the Dir of the agency and our social worker came in. The dir. brought with her 13 year old son...WEIRD and he proceeded to eat most of "E" dinner...RUDE! Ugh-that was rude in and of itself...but whatever. After they left "E" said-was it weird to you-that he came with? Umm...yes-definitely.

We said our goodbyes shortly after-the dir. of the agency told us that papers would be signed at 10:00 am the next morning. So...we left after kissing our little one goodbye and hugging "E". We told her we would be back in the morning-and we could bring her breakfast-since she has stated hospital food-was terrible. We got to the hospital at 9:30..."E" had been moved. (Minor panic attack-when we get to her old room and its empty!) They directed us to her new room-we went down there and talked with her for a bit. We had about 20 minutes before they were supposed to be there to sign the papers. We talked with "E" for awhile-and told her how much we loved her and that Jeremiah was ALWAYS going to know about her and how much she loved him. We gave her the diamond necklace that we had bought her-and for the first time since we had met her-she started to cry a bit. Not much...but a little-very rarely did she show emotion-instead-she kept me strong...because she knew-my heart was breaking for her-while it was bursting for joy at the same time.

This is when the day goes down hill.....

Jeremiah hadn't been circumsized yet. The dr. had come up earlier in the morning...but couldn't do it because Mike and I weren't there to sign off on the procedure since our ins. would cover it etc. (legalities legalities.) So they told us that he would come back around noon to do it-sounds good. The nurse told "E" that even though papers were going to be signed-she could stay at the hospital until Jeremiah was discharged if she wanted...PERFECT!

10:00 rolls around...they aren't there yet....11:00...nothing....finally I call-they said they are running a little behind-but they will be there shortly. I said ok-well he is going to be circumsized shortly-and then he has to stay for 3 hours after. So "E" wants to leave the same time he does. So that would be around 3:30. Her social worker said-oh...let me call you back. Keep in mind-that knowing they were supposed to be there at 10:00 "E" couldn't have any pain killers for her pain. She calls back and tells me-that won't work-that those in the office have personal things going on-and if she wants a ride home from them-they have to come around noon and than do the papers. "E" is not happy-RIGHTFULLY SO!!! All she wanted was to leave the same time he does. She said "I came in with him-I want to leave with him." That was her one wish! So to make things easier-Mike and I decided we would just have him circumsized later in the week-at the clinic. Not ideal-but it was better for "E". (Although-I was SO PISSED AT THE AGENCY AT THIS POINT-I ALMOST LOST IT!) So we call the agency back and say-come at noon-we can do it then-and "E" is ok with that. So fine-it's settled-we'll be there at noon. "E" looks at me and says you know....this is the devil. This is supposed to be a good day for you-and a day for me that is hard-but good-because I know he is going to a good loving home. This is the devil trying to ruin our day. (AGAIN-AMAZING! She has so much love and trust for God!)

Noon comes and goes....
1....
2....
I call-no answer
3....nothing
4:00.....nothing
4:15 here they come walking through the door! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?!?!! And they all walked in like there sh** didn't stink. They never apologized for making us wait....even though poor "E" hadn't had anything for pain since 4 am-because they were going to be there at NOON! Not to mention-we could have had Jeremiah circumsized there-but no-we rescheduled when in reality we didn't need to.

At 4:30 we were moved to separate rooms. My heart began to race. While at the time my gut was telling me she would sign....I was scared. What if she couldn't do it. What if she decided she was going to try to parent. I was shaking...sick to my stomach-ready to puke.

About 15 minutes later...Our social worker came in and said..."Congratulations." I cried...and I cried...and Cried in Mike's arms. A bit later-we signed our papers...and walked across the hall and gaver "E" a hug. Jermiah was sleeping in his bassinet peacefully. She was looking at him. I picked him up and told her that she should hold him for awhile. So she did. She held him and talked to him...I was standing next to her-and pretty soon she stood up from the bed and came over to me. She looked at him and said "You be a good boy. And always know how much I love you." Ugh...my heart broke. I just started crying and crying. I told her that he will always know how much he is loved by her and that he will ALWAYS know who you are. She hugged me and said thank you.

We packed up our things-strapped Jeremiah into his carseat..and started walking down the halls and out the door. They had "E" get into the car first...we got into our car shortly after. At about 5:30 we got back to the hotel...and I cried...I just looked at this beautiful baby boy and cried-I was a mommy. FINALLY. He was ours.

We spent the next 4 days wondering when ICPC would go through. On Friday afternoon we got the call at 4:30 that we could go home. PRAISE THE LORD!!!!! We were so excited to go home!!! Even though we had only been there a week-we were so excited. BUT...I wanted to see "E" one more time. I called her-to see how she was doing and asked if she wanted to meet for supper on Friday night-she said she really wanted to. And was glad I called. So we met for supper Friday night...took a lot more pictures...cried a bit more and we said our goodbyes.

Saturday morning we packed up the hotel and made our way out of state. Sunday we flew back and Jeremiah was greeted by a lot of family and friends. He was so loved by so many already...the little boy that we had been waiting for-was finally home.

Jeremiah Paul...Part 2

2010-01-06T18:58:00.003-06:00

I've been told I've left you guys hanging! So here you go-part 2:

I sat in my sisters room sobbing. Uncontrollably crying-I was so sad. I had such a bad feeling overwhelm me. I took a few minutes to try and gather myself and then remembered that I had our social workers cell number. I knew she was out of town for thanksgiving-but there was no way I couldn't call her to find out why they hadn't called us to tell us what was going on. So at about 6:40 pm. I called "J."

"J": Hello....
Me: J it's Erin...I just called "E's" house and was told she had the baby!!! WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?!!?! You were supposed to call as soon as she went into labor and I have to call her house to find out that she has already had the baby! J what is going on?!?! (Yes-I was borderline screaming)
"J" Wait? What? She already had the baby? I'm out of town-and No one has called me. Erin-take a breath-and try and relax-I'll call you right back after I make a few phone calls.
ME: OK-please hurry.

About 5 minutes later-she calls me back. Trust me that 5 minutes felt like an ETERNITY. She says "E" didn't have the baby-but she is in labor-get in your car and start driving. She said she would call me if she delivers before we get there. I knew we were about 5-6 hours away-I knew if she hadn't had the baby-I was going to miss the delivery. She said everything was ok-but that she is labor-so get there as soon as we can. So-we repack the car we had just unpacked a few hours prior....drive to the nearest gas station.....fill up and hit the road.

At 7:14 pm We got the call I will never forget. "Erin this is "J" Congratulations You have a beautiful baby boy. Everyone is fine, baby is perfect and beautiful and "E" is doing great! I sobbed. Poor Mike was driving and didn't know right away what was going on. Eventually I managed to ask J a few other questions-and hung up. We were in the middle of crazy traffic and all I wanted was to hug Mike. But-we waited until we made a stop to get gas. :) In the back of my mind though I'm still wondering why weren't we called? What happened that there was confusion on her having delivered or not delivered? After all-wouldn't the person at her home know if she had had the baby???? One would think!

To Be Continued.....

Jeremiah Paul.....Part 1

2010-01-02T21:17:00.002-06:00

I want to start this post with an apology-I have not posted in quite sometime-as I have been extremely busy taking care of a beautiful baby boy. Yes-I am now a mommy. A mommy to the most amazingly beautiful little boy that I have ever seen. This is going to be a lengthy post-so I'm going to break it down into a few parts.

Here are the important facts:
Name: Jeremiah Paul
Born: November 28th
Time: 4:32 PM
Weight: 6 Pounds 15 ounces
Length: 20 inches

Part 1

Thanksgiving at our house was eventful....we were hosting thanksgiving dinner as well as packing up for our what could be 2+ weeks to meet and bring back our beautiful baby boy. So in between preparing a turkey and all the fixings, I was packing onsies, socks, sleepers, bottles and all that one would need to take care of a baby. We were leaving the next morning to drop off our pups...which let me tell you-was hard. I cried-won't even lie. We drove a few hours to an airport to save BIG $$$$ on airline tickets. So Friday afternoon we get to my parents house-hang out with them-attempt to get some sleep although I was VERY EXCITED for the next day. We flew into Atlanta where my wonderful sister lives-her and her husband let us borrow there car for the what was going to be a few weeks. We get to the airport-get through security with out to much trouble....board the plane and fly out. We get to my sisters at approximately 4:00 pm on the 28th. (If you were paying attention to the Time of Birth-you will see that Jeremiah would be making his appearance shortly there after.) "E" had asked me to be in the delivery room with her-and so the social workers had strict instructions to call us AS SOON as there were any signs of labor-or as soon as she called to say she was in labor.

We settle in for the night-throw a pizza in the oven at my sisters and start visiting. Mike and my brother in law take their dogs for a run and I told him-when you get back I'm going to call "E" and see how she is feeling. At this point-it's about 5:30. (We still have no word that "E" is in labor, or even close to going into labor.) Around 6:30 Mike gets back-I told him we should call "E." I go into the spare bedroom-call her house-and is told "E" is at the hospital. I say-Oh-is everything ok??? (Meanwhile-my heart is racing and yet sinking at the same time.) Is she in labor?" What I hear next completely stopped my heart I think: "No ma'am-she already had the baby-a few hours ago." I paused-and said ok-thank you-and hung up. I immediately went hysterical-called Mike into the room-and just cried. My mind was telling me-she had the baby and she had decided to keep it-and they hadn't called to tell us yet.

To be continued....

A year to be thankful for...

2009-11-26T08:40:00.002-06:00

It's been a month since my last post. Mainly because my life has turned upside trying to get prepared for baby. My photography business has taken off and I've been busy shooting weddings, and family shoots for the holidays. I'm very blessed God has given me the talent. I love doing it and eventually it will be my only job. So...all that aside....today is Thanksgiving day..and of all the days in the year-today is a day that I look back and reflect on what a year it has been. I have so many things to be thankful for this year. My list would be endless, but I will say that I am most grateful for: God, my husband, our birthmother, families, friends, and of course my little furry family. God has blessed us beyond words this year, and I have more to be grateful than I could ever imagine!

Mike and I are leaving in 2 days for a trip of a lifetime. A trip to meet our son. This journey has been nothing short of amazing. However, along with amazing it has been stressful, frustrating, exciting, sad, and scary.

When we started on this journey back in April when we turned in our initial application we went along with the theory they told us. The homestudy will take 8-12 weeks to completely finish (meaning written and approved by our social worker) and than we would begin our waiting period. Average waiting time with the agency is 6-9 months before there initial matach and than however long it is until the birthmom is due. (Typically birthmom's come in sometime towards the middle/end of 2nd trimester.) So-in all-she said plan on waiting about a year. PERFECT! That would be great for us because that would put us into march-through june of next year. Mike would be on summer vacation and work for me is pretty quiet. You know the saying..."If you want to make God laugh tell him your plans." God had an entirely different plan for us. On, Monday, August 3rd we got our homestudy in the mail-read it signed it and dropped it in the mail.

Monday afternoon our social workers calls us with a situation. We ultimately said no to this situation for many reasons. There were a lot of medical issues that we weren't comfortable with, and baby was due a week later. The hardest part of it was saying no-and wondering if anyone would say yes. I hope and pray that baby has found his forever home.

On Tuesday we got another phonecall from our social worker regarding another potential situation. We were asked if we wanted our profile shown, and we said we just need to think about it and pray about it. Ultimately we said yes-after thinking about it for about 12 hours....we both said if this is God's plan than it will be, but if not we are ok with that. On Thursday we got the call we had been matched. Waiting of just 3 days...AMAZING.

As I sit here this thanksgiving morning I think a lot about our birthmother. My heart truly breaks for her in so many ways. I hurt for her because as much as I already love this little boy she loves him so much-and yet she is giving him to me. And than again-as much as I love him, if she said she couldn't give him up, as sad as I would be, I don't know if I could be mad at her because that baby is hers first, and she loves him so much!

I talk with our Birthmom every few days. She's so wonderful. Always sweet and polite, always asking how we are doing. I can't wait to meet her in a few days and just give her a big hug and as much as I won't want to-I'll probably start crying right in front of her. There has been so many emotions running through me the past few days and weeks. I cry so easily and when I listen to the radio and hear certain songs I just cry. They are tears of joy and excitement and sadness for her. I was telling a friend of mine the other day-that as excited as I am for us, my heart just breaks, and its hard to have so many emotions and try and sort them all out-because I can't.

This holiday season is extra special for us. We have so much to be thankful for! I hope and pray that all of you have a happy and blessed thanksgiving as well. Give thanks for all of those you love, and for those of you who have adopted, don't forget to say an extra special prayer of thanks for our birth families.

So with all of that said keep watch for updates on Baby Ro....I've been told our lives are just beginning.....if thats the case-its going to be one heck of a ride!

Please tell me I'm normal.....Please....

2009-10-27T13:46:00.003-05:00

2 posts in one day...I know you guys are about falling off your chairs...but I need to vent and get a few things out...and I just need to be reassured that I'm normal...and if I'm NOT NORMAL...than please just tell me so I can figure out-how to become "normal" (What is that really) in the next few weeks.

I'm going to be a mom....in just a few weeks-if all goes as planned...which my heart and mind believe it will-but let's be real-many things could change....regardless mommyhood is around the corner. I'm petrified. I was thinking early about when we leave the hospital....after baby is born...The vision...of "here you go!" here's your kid...be on your way came into my mind. And then...I thought "NOW WHAT?!!" Now what do we do? How do we know when he's hungry, hurting, happy, content, sick.....I'd like to think I have a ton of maternal instincts-but with my own child are they really going to come out? Am I going to have any clue how to take care of this child?

Than of course the emotional side of things comes out-and I think-can I emotionally handle this child?? I mean-I'm emotionally stable....but this is going to be a HUGE life change for us...a PERMANENT LIFE CHANGE!!! Are we ready?

Financially?!?! Can we afford this child? We're not destitute...don't get me wrong...but let's face it-kids cost money!!! And while I will give him everything in my power plus more....I'm worried...I would be lying if I said I wasn't.

So please tell me this fear is normal. I feel like the Devil is totally working on my heart to lack peace of mind...and I hate it....but I also want to know....are these fears/worries normal???

What is that you say...A Due Date?!?!?!

2009-10-27T08:46:00.002-05:00

Holy Wow!!! A DUE DATE!!! FINALLY AN ACTUAL DUE DATE!!!! Now anyone who knows babies knows that baby is going to come when baby wants to come. However, up until this point we had no idea exactly how far along BMwas. When we had first been matched we were told she was about 27-28 weeks-which put an EDD date of Nov. 10th. When she had her Ultrasound-they said she was more like 24-25 weeks-and due Dec. 2nd. Now to the average person-3 weeks isn't a big deal...but when you are trying to plan the trip of a LIFETIME 3 weeks is a very big deal.

Last week "E" got word that all of her insurance stuff was taken care of and she was able to get back into her clinic of choice and see the doctor she wanted to see as well as deliver at the Hospital she wants...PRAISE GOD!! So she went back in yesterday-got another ultrasound...and the tech confirmed....DUE DATE DECEMBER 2ND!!!!!! PRAISE THE LORD!! Again-baby is going to come when baby wants to come....But-with "E's" other kids she has delivered with-in 2-3 days of her due date-plus or minus. So knowing this-helps a ton.

Today happens to be "E's" birthday. I'm going to talk to her this afternoon. I mailed a package for her last week-had a few things for her in there as well as her other kids. I also put a disposable camera in there. She said she would take all of the pictures and mail the camera back...so that I could have those pictures to show Baby when he gets older. I want him to be able to see what his BM looks like, what she looked like while pregnant with him and what his siblings look like. She seemed very happy to take the pictures and she was thankful that we were going to show them to him.

So...this puts "E" at right around 35 weeks. As a girlfriend of mine said yesterday when I told her the due date...."MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU!!" She couldn't be more right. This will truly be the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!!

Breakdown....

2009-10-13T08:37:00.003-05:00

The last few weeks have been nothing short of insanely busy-but at the same time insanely boring on the adoption home front.

We are still waiting for an exact due date! I know-crazy isn't it. I at one point but myself into a panic mode and wondered-are we getting scammed? Is this agency for real? Are they just telling us the problem is medicaid and in reality they aren't even trying? Is "E" going to change her mind? It has been emotionally breaking to say the least-and last night-I lost it. I just fell apart and cried in mike's arms...cried and cried and cried myself to sleep. Why does this whole process have to be so difficult? Why is it that something so great has to cause "E" so much pain? Why is it that medicaid can't get their stuff together and get this poor girl into the clinic where she belongs during the 3rd trimester!?!!? AM I ASKING TO MUCH!?!?! I eventually called our social worker here last week and just told her that I was beginning to have doubts and that I think something is going on that she needs to check into it. And she did-right away. She called the agency-not letting them know that I had called voicing concerns-but to get an update on the situation so that she could put it in our file. (yea-I'm sure the social worker at the agency saw right through that one-but I didn't even care!)

Our social worker emailed me the next day calming my fears and making me feel better about the situation. She told me that she honestly feels they are doing what they can-they just weren't as proactive about things from the beginning-therefore dragging this process along a lot longer than it should be. All the while-stressing "E" out about not getting to the dr. and not knowing when baby is coming.

Of course the financial strain of this whole process is a burden as well. It's hard to comprehend the fact that we have to pay so much to adopt-and we have accepted it and are trying to move on...but the realization I think is harder on me than mike because I pay the bills and balance the checkbook every month. I know we will be fine...but I just hate the whole concept of it! But I understand....

Than of course there is the nursery-not even close to finished yet-but that is a story for another day...as of right now...the door is closed-with a stockpile of goodies that have yet to be unpacked, washed-or even put away.

Throw work in, my photography (which I have to admit-is going amazingly well-and I'm blessed beyond comprehension that God has given me this amazing talent), Mike being sick (H1N1 ...NOT FUN-JUST LETTING EVERYONE KNOW!!), trying to book travel plans....trying to start thinking about packing for baby for the trip....SO MUCH!!!!

I should add that some very dear friends threw me a baby shower on Saturday. It was so much fun! And we got some amazing things. We are so blessed to have such wonderful family and friends in our lives!

I'm trying so hard to offer it up to God....and I pray so hard everyday for peace, strength and wisdom.....I know God will provide for our needs-it's just the process is so stressful.

Disconnected...

2009-09-23T08:55:00.002-05:00

Disconnected...

That's how I feel the past week or 2 disconnected. From what? Everything. It seems so crazy and unbelievable to me that my life is going to change drastically in the next few months. And not in a small way-in such a HUGE way I will probably forget what its like to not have a little one. (At least thats what I'm told.)

I was watching the news this morning and they interviewed a couple that had their embryo's implanted into another couple. (Horrible horrific story-for all involved.) When the biological mother was talking about how she felt-she said disconnected. And it clicked with me-that's exactly how I feel about this whole situation. As a mother (which I think I kind of am at this point) you want what's best for your child. And as much as I love my little boy already, I feel so disconnected from him. And I hate it. I don't know if I would feel differently if I were closer to BM, and could talk with her more, and if I could feel her tummy and him kicking, and know how she was feeling. Or if I could go with her to her dr. appt's to hear his hertbeat and to see the milestones that he reaches every week. I don't know what would make it better-but I hate feeling like this. I know how I would take care of myself if I were pregnant. Is she doing the same things I am? (There are a few things-I know she's doing differently-but she could be doing MUCH worse-so I try not to dwell on it to much.)

I think another reason-I feel like this is because we have YET to get a definite due date. Her medicaid situation has not been taken care of yet-so because of that-no dr. will see her. ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS!!! Some clerical error is not her fault-and she is getting very frustrated and annoyed by the fact that she hasn't had her 2nd ultrasound to get a definite due date. So when we talk about going to get baby we get frustrated because we don't know when it is going to be. Is it November 10th, or December 2nd. Granted baby is going to come when baby is going to come-but BM has delivered within 3 days of her due date with her other pregnancies-so I'd like to think that we have an OK chance of making it for the delivery if we have a better idea of when that is going to be. So right now our BM is somewhere between 29 and 34 weeks pregnant....how's that for UP IN THE AIR!!

Please don't misunderstand the feeling of disconnected and not loving our little one. Because I do love him. SO MUCH. And I know that no matter how much I can say that now-the amount of love I'm going to have for him in a few months or weeks when he gets here is more than I can ever imagine. But I'm being honest in my feelings today...something that I need to do....after all its all part of this journey.

Sometimes Reality Hits...

2009-09-09T14:22:00.003-05:00

And the realization that I'm going to be a mom just overwhelms me to a point of tears. Good tears that is. I feel like we've waited so long for this little boy. And the excitement of expecting him is overwhelming at times.

We talked to our EMom last week...and again-I have to say she is absolutely AMAZING!!! I Love her so much! When I tried to explain to her how grateful we are at the gift she is giving us, she in turn said thank you for giving her the gift of a wonderful home for her little boy. SEE-AMAZING!!! She asked me again if I was going to be in the delivery room with her. Of course I said I was going to and that we are going to do everything in our power to get there in enough time to be there for the delivery. I'm hoping we can fly down a few days before her due date if her dr. thinks she will make it that far. I want to be there for her every second that I can and supporting her in every way that I can. She is so unbelievable that I really can't put into words how great she is.

Her due date has been moved as of now to December 2nd. Which puts her at 28 weeks. WHAT AN AMAZING CHRISTMAS GIFT!!! BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!!!!! I'm so excited to have a little one to share Christmas with and I can't wait to give Mike a Christmas present from his SON!!! (Whom he is affectionately calling Baby Tiger and Baby Ro).

So instead of reposting baby Ro's development milestones-which I already did 2 posts ago...(please see below) I'm going to leave you with a few pictures of our little man....we got his U/S pictures in the mail on Saturday...and I have to say-I'm truly in Love!

If you guessed GIRL you are....

2009-08-27T13:03:00.003-05:00

WRONG!!!

IT'S A BOY!!!!

"Baby Ro" has he is now called, is definitely a BOY! We got the call yesterday from our social worker. Unforutnatley BM couldn't talk to us yesterday, but we are hoping to talk with her today or tomorrow. But she told the social worker that she could go ahead and tell us. We are THRILLED!! Obviosuly we would be thrilled with either, but hearing the words its a boy makes it so much more definite and real! CRAZINESS!!! I'm going to be a MOM to a little BOY in just a few months!!!

All looked great in the ultrasound. Mom and baby look healthy-of course thats all we want! The only thing that is still up in the air is the due date. Due date may have now changed to the beginning of December vs. November 10th. Baby is measuring fine, but BM guessed on last MP, so she was a few weeks off. In reality we are bummed that we could potentially be waiting another few weeks to meet Baby Ro, but we are ok with having a few extra weeks to prepare...and baby will be here just in time for the Holidays! I can't think of a better present!

We are over the moon ecstatic!! This is the first grand baby on Mike's side and the first boy grandson on my side.

SO EXCITED!!

WEEK 29!!

2009-08-25T16:29:00.003-05:00

Once again I'm in awe that baby will be here in around 11 weeks!! WHOA!!! Here is what baby is doing now:

WEEK 29:

How your baby's growing:Your baby now weighs about 2 1/2 pounds (like a butternut squash) and is a tad over 15 inches long from head to heel. His muscles and lungs are continuing to mature, and his head is growing bigger to make room for his developing brain. To meet his increasing nutritional demands, you'll need plenty of protein, vitamins C, folic acid, and iron. And because his bones are soaking up lots of calcium, be sure to drink your milk (or find another good source of calcium, such as cheese, yogurt, or enriched orange juice). This trimester, about 250 milligrams of calcium are deposited in your baby's hardening skeleton each day.

In Other exciting news-we get to talk to "E" again TOMORROW!! I'm so excited!! Now that my emotions are more under control I think I will be able to talk to her without crying-or actually sobbing!! I'm so excited to get to know her better and find out more about her so I can pass things on to Baby R. She had a dr. appt yesterday so I'm excited to hear all about that-and she also had her sonogram!! She wants to tell us what baby is so our social worker told her that she would wait and let her tell us tomorrow over the phone.

So Tomorrow is it!!! Please Vote along the side of the blog for your guess!!! :)

Week 28

2009-08-18T13:43:00.002-05:00

By this week, your baby weighs two and a quarter pounds (like a Chinese cabbage) and measures 14.8 inches from the top of her head to her heels. She can blink her eyes, which now sport lashes. With her eyesight developing, she may be able to see the light that filters in through your womb. She's also developing billions of neurons in her brain and adding more body fat in preparation for life in the outside world.

WHOA! TIME FLIES!!

Life would be SO MUCH EASIER...IF

2009-08-17T13:38:00.004-05:00

I remembered that I'm NOT in control-but GOD is!!! Seriously! Why don't I remember that-instead I just stress over things and worry about things that I have NO CONTROL OVER!!!

If there has been one thing I have realized more than ever before it is how incredibly blessed Mike and I are. I mean so INCREDIBLY BLESSED!!! We have the most amazing family and friends and we are continuously amazed at God's great works.

So let me start this part of the post with an update on Baby and our BM. BM is 27 weeks along...wow!!! SEEMS SO CRAZY! She has a dr. appt next week after that she will schedule her sonogram-and from there we will find out if Baby R is a boy or girl!! SO EXCITING!!! :)

Baby R is about the size of a head of cauliflower.

This week, your baby weighs almost 2 pounds and is about 14 1/2 inches long with her legs extended. She's sleeping and waking at regular intervals, opening and closing her eyes, and perhaps even sucking her fingers. With more brain tissue developing, your baby's brain is very active now. While her lungs are still immature, they would be capable of functioning — with a lot of medical help — if she were to be born now. Chalk up any tiny rhythmic movements you may be feeling to a case of baby hiccups, which may be common from now on. Each episode usually lasts only a few moments, and they don't bother her, so just relax and enjoy the tickle.

Now on to the miraculous works of GOD...who I owe so much to!!! When we got the call about Baby R we knew all about the costs that we were going to incur. We were fine with it and we had budgeted for that amount. I think over the weekend though it just hit me at how much money this adoption is really costing. BUT SO WORTH IT!! WE KNOW THAT!!!

We've been praying so much that we would come up with enough "Extra" money to pay for our travel expenses. (Being that the match happened so quick, we didn't have a lot of time to prepare and save anything additional). Yesterday while I'm at home and editing pictures my phone rings. A bride was calling to ask if I would shoot her wedding!!! While I have a lot of jobs booked between now and end of October, we were still going to come up short on travel. However, this one wedding will COVER OUR TRAVEL EXPENSES!!! GOD IS SO GOOD!!!!!

Than....it gets better :) We have been applying for grants. Any grant that we think we could qualify for-we apply for. On Thursday I turned in our first application. I heard from them right away-thanking them for my application. (in reality-We should be (And DID) be thanking them for even giving us the opportunity to even apply for a grant!) She said we fit the criteria and that she will be in touch with us after she gets back from a trip to discuss the grant further! WONDERFUL!! VERY PROMISING!!! Than this morning I get another call from a grant agency that we have applied for. She called me for a brief phone interview. She set up a face to face interview and said that we fit all qualifications perfectly and that they are excited to help us anyway they can!!! WONDERFULLY AMAZING!! AGAIN-GOD IS SOOOO GOOD!!!!!!

Now-on to my amazing family! Ok-so my family is SO EXCITED about this adoption! I mean seriously-SO EXCITED!!! I will say though-they don't know how much it is costing us. We have never come right out and said-mainly because its private information. They just know it's A LOT. And on top of the costs the travel is going to be a lot. So while talking with one of my sisters she offers us something wonderful. Here's the deal: They live about 5 hours from where Baby will be born. We have decided to fly to her-then her and her hubby are going to give us their car for 2 weeks along with their car seat and any other baby gear we need (since my neice has outgrown it)!!! THIS SAVES US ABOUT $1000!!! The car rental alone for 2 weeks was going to be between $600 and $800 plus gas! Plus my wonderful Brother in law-has offered to pay for gas from where they live to Baby R! SERIOUSLY! I HAVE THE MOST AMAZING FAMILY!!! Again-SO SO BLESSED!!!!

So again...if I would just remember that I'm not in control-but God is...I would be so much less stressed. And honestly-I have to say that since last Friday-my stress has decreased SO MUCH. I have offered it all up to God knowing that He will provide and that all will be well. God is truly good...amazing...and wonderful. He has truly blessed us and we are eternally greatful for his wonderous deeds!!!

I'M GOING TO BE A MOMMY!!!

2009-08-07T10:53:00.003-05:00

HIS TIME HAS COME!!

Wow-my heart is truly full....with so many emotions. This week has been nothing short of amazing and stressful and nerve wracking.

This will get long-but I need to put everything down so I can look back and remember how this all happened.

On July 15th we had our last homestudy visit. We were told we were approved right away-but we had to wait for it to become official until we signed it and our social worker signed it etc. We get our homestudy via email sent to us last Monday-the 27th. We read it and make the few changes and sent it back-we were "officially" approved on the 29th.

On July 31st our SW called us and told us to look at the list of agencies she was sending us so that we could decide where we wanted the rest of our profiles sent to-since they work with so many agencies around the country. We decided on one and we mail our newly printed profile books to our agency on the 31st in the afternoon-she receives them Monday morning.

Monday Afternoon around noon our SW calls us with a "situation." Our profile fit the criteria for a BM-and she wanted to know if we wanted our profile shown. For personal reasons we decided not to. There was a lengthy list of medical issues with mom and mental issues as well, and as much as we wanted to say yes, we felt we would be selfish in doing so-because we knew that we couldn't provide for that baby in the future with the mental and medical issues that could arise. So after thinking and praying about it for 24 hours I called her back on Tuesday morning and told her no. We start talking about the agency we had chosen and she told us that the director of the agency was going to call us and give us all of the info we needed to officially make our decision.

Fast forward to noon on Tuesday-the director of our agency calls us. She informs me that another situation has come up this time with the agency we chose to have our profile books sent to. She gives us the background on mom and afer a lot of thinking and praying-we said YES! So we sent our profile book down via email to the agency-since BM was coming in sometime on Wednesday. I emailed the book down, get a phone call on Wednesday morning from SW at new agency stating BM is now not coming in until Thursday....all this time-I'm calm and thinking no biggie. We weren't getting our hopes up.

The SW with the new agency calls me Thursday morning and says BM is coming in Thursday afternoon to look at the books and she will call me after and let me know how it goes. My phone rang yesterday at about 2 pm...and my heart began to race. I will never forget those words!!! "Erin....this is Jennifer with ___________ I have some exciting news for you!! You have been chosen!" I immediately began crying. Sobbing actually. Than the SW started crying...so it was one big sob fest!! Good tears of course!! I told her I had to go home and find Mike and tell him. She asked me if we ever had any wishes of talking with BM. I said of course we'd love to...so she says-well she's still here...my response...oh you meant TODAY!?!? :)

So I went home....a sobbing mess and I told Mike...luckily not a far drive. I sobbed when I told him...than he sobbed....and we sobbed some more. SW called me back and said BM was there and if we wanted to she would put us on a conferece call. So we did....crying and all-we talked to her on the phone. She is TRULY AMAZING!! That's all I can say...AMAZING!!!

We talked to her for about 20 minutes on the phone and at the end she asked if I would be in the delivery room with her. WOW!! I TOLD YOU SHE WAS AMAZING!!! Of course through tears I said Yes-and that I would be honored. She asked if she could talk with us more on the phone before D Day-which is NOVEMBER 10th! We said of course! So we plan on talking with her many more times before then! And we are so excited to get to know her more!!!

GOD IS GOOD! AND HE HAS TRULY BLESSED US!!!!

One Year Ago Yesterday....

2009-07-21T08:10:00.003-05:00

It's truly amazing how much can change in a year's time and how much a heart can heal. One year ago today, I was preparing for my lap which was scheduled for Monday morning. I was at home with Mike when the phone rang-it was Dr. Z....immediately my heart raced-what would he be calling me for-and why is he calling me from his home? Pre-op question...my gut told me something was wrong.

He had the results of Mike's SA and the news of finding out that Mike was sterile are words that I will never forget. Really I think more than anything it was the fear of how am I going to tell Mike. My heart was breaking for us-but not knowing how I was going to tell him scared me more than anything. But-I mustered through the tears and told him....and we cried...and we cried...and we cried some more. Thinking about that day brings a lot of those feelings back, but in no way the magnitude of what I felt that day. The feelings I have are more so remembering being sad for us...knowing that our future with kids was unknown.

Who would have thought that almost a year to the date later we would have found out that we are Home study approved and that we are officially waiting for our first baby to come home. Who would have thought that our hearts could heal themselves and allow us to be excited for the future and what is in store for us. I surely never in my wildest dreams thought that our lives were ever going to be happy again after we got that news. God however, had His plans, and of course we are thrilled and beyond excited for how our family is going to grow.

I have never been one to doubt God's plan. However, I would be lying if I said that there wasn't a time in my life where I was angry at God and asked him WHY? Why us, why do we have to go through all of this? What are you trying to prove? Now I look at us in this situation and say "Thank you for giving us the amazing gift of Adoption." Thank you for blessing us and allowing our family to grow. I coined a phrase that I have put on this blog a few times-but it is one that I tell myself quite frequently:

"There are very few people that get to experience the miracle and joys of adoption. We have been chosen to receive this beautiful miracle. We have been chosen because we are special."

So as hard as it is to not think on that day with great sadness, we look ahead with joy and excitement. My heart still hurts but in a different way. We are beyond excited for our little one to arrive, and we are sad for what he had to go through, but we know that it is all part of His perfect plan for us and we have learned to accept that.

HOME STUDY APPROVED!

2009-07-16T09:49:00.002-05:00

I Know I have been an awful blogger...I think I have said that before...many times...truth is-time flies during the day-and at night-I'm busy doing other things-that I just forget to blog!

ANYWAYS!!! Our last Home study was last night-and we are HOME STUDY APPROVED!!! WHAT A RELIEF!!! OH MY GOSH!!! I never wanted to let myself think we couldn't be approved..but the realization is that everyone can not be for one reason or another. But regardless-WE ARE APPROVED!!! We officially are waiting for BABY R #1!!!

It's crazy, exciting, stressful, emotional time-but we are so happy....so so happy! It was almost 1 year ago to the day that we got our dx of infertility (azoospermia). It was July 21st. Who would have thought that almost a year to the date later we would be "expecting" our first miracle. God's plan is truly AMAZING!

Homestudy Number 2

2009-06-16T13:01:00.003-05:00

It went very well. I can't say enough good things about our agency and social worker. She is truly awesome. I can't imagine going through this with someone cold or not very pleasant. Honestly when we talk with her its like visiting with friends over coffee. It's great. We made her tear up when we started talking about "E" It was a hard day for Mike and I, and we knew we couldn't fool her by pretending that we were ok. When she asked how we were doing-and how are day was-I almost broke down. Luckily Mike had it together-so he told her. She of course apologized....and said how sorry she was. We made it through without totally breaking down.

She dropped off another 16 pages of paperwork. SERIOUSLY 16 pages! I COUNTED!!! I wasn't even finished with the last 12 that she dropped off! Ugh! Luckily we've got a few weeks before the next home visit-so we can finish them. Those "essay form" questions are a killer!! She also dropped off a few sample profile books for us to look at. That was a big relief. We had no idea how to start that-so that helps a lot.

As you can see from my previous post-yesterday was a rough day. Sweet "E" went home to Jesus. It was a really hard day for me. "E" was such a sweet soul. So precious....so sweet, loving, caring, his smile could light up a room. I miss him so much. I know where he is-so I can't help but be happy for him-but so sad for us who are left behind. Mike and I said he probably ran through the gates of Heaven with those new legs of his. He ran-pain free into the arms of Jesus. I talked with his mom this morning-and she said before he died she told him that he needed to communicate one way or another that he was there with Jesus....and that he was so happy. She told me he smiled at her-a big big smile. A few hours later he was gone. My heart breaks for the family. Parents shouldn't bury there children. THAT'S NOT THE WAY IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE!!!! I know God has his plans, but sometimes its so hard for me to understand. "E" was put on this earth for a reason-and durig his time here he taught me SO MUCH! SO SO MUCH!!! More than I ever thought I could learn from a 2 year old-all the way up until he was 9!!! That little boy was so special to me-I can't imagine going to see his brother now, and not seeing "E" with him . My heart aches, but I know he's happy now, pain free, and with Jesus.....so for that I Need to be happy for him. That doesn't mean-I'm not going to miss him I will.....so incredibly much.

Last night we laid in bed-and I just cried and cried. Mike held me and I cried some more. He knows just how to console me....he's so amazing. "E's" parents called us last night. They asked Mike to be a pall bearer. Of course he was honored and he said yes. That is going to be a tough day. The day when we have to really say not goodbye but "I'll see you later." I dread it-but sometimes those days help me move on. But it still is going to be a VERY VERY HARD DAY.

Rest in Peace "E" I love you and Miss you

Rest in Peace

2009-06-15T10:14:00.003-05:00

Rest in Peace"E".....You are now an Angel in Heaven looking down on us. I Love you and Miss you....

It's not goodbye....It's I'll see you Later.

"I look at life as a gift of God. Now that he wants it back I have no right to complain."
---Joyce Cary

"Give me Jesus"

2009-06-12T13:26:00.004-05:00

7 1/2 years ago on September 11th, 2001 was a day that I will NEVER forget. Not only was that a day that will go down in history for our country, but was also the day that I walked into the best most rewarding job that I have ever had. It was the day I interviewed for a position as a CNA at home for children with special needs. Working there was never something that worried me-however, I would be lying if I said I was never nervous. I was very nervous, not knowing how to take care of some of the kids, especially being that I was working in the medically fragile unit.

I started working there 3 weeks later on October 1st. AMAZING. I loved it, I loved every second of it. Those kids touched my life in a way that I have never been touched before. They tought me about strength, about love and about faith. They tought me that life is truly what you make of it. And that every day is a gift from God.

My first day wasn't exactly scary-but nervewracking. I had never worked in the healthcare field directly. However, I was going to school to become a nurse so I felt that certain things just came natural to me. I remember someone telling me, try and not get to attached to these kids. Many of them move on to group homes, or move out of our direct care area, and unfortunately some of them die. I wish not getting attached was easy.....it's not.

My first day-I walked in and was greeted by a beautiful little 3 year old boy. He melted my heart. His smile was contagious and his eyes just melted me. I sat and rocked him.....he was the first child I ever held when I worked there. He was the first one that held my hand....and he was the first one that I can truly say I fell in love with. That little boy, whom I will call "E" was the one that I looked forward to working with everyday when I went in. I looked forward to seeing his smile, to crawling into bed with him and reading stories and listening to his Christian music. "E" is non-verbal....so he could not talk to me using "actual words." He had certain cues he would do to let us know what he wanted or didn't want. Our favorite song of all time was "You'll Be In My Heart" by Phil Collins. WE LOVED THAT SONG!!! We would put it on repeat and listen to it for hours....boy did that make that little boy smile. His other favorite....
"Barbie Girl" by Aqua. Oh gosh that song would make him so exicted he would practically come out of his wheelchair. Those are the memories of "E" that I will treasure forever.

5 weeks ago "E" was sent to the hospital for a major surgery. That surgery was going to drastically improve his quality of life. Unfortunately, after several post op complications "E" will be going home with Hospice care. He will not be going back to be with his twin brother, who will miss him SO MUCH, but instead he will be leaving this earth, and going to walk with Jesus in Heaven. My heart is truly breaking. A few weeks ago we stopped at the hospital to see him when we were visiting my family. He was in the children's hospital not far away-and Mike and I both wanted to see him. (Mike took care of "E" to...that's how Mike and I met-was working there.) When I left there I gave him a hug and kiss and told him how much I loved him. I had no idea, that that will more than likely be the last time I would see him.

This weekend I will spend looking through pictures of him and putting them to a video for his mom and dad. I don't know how much time that sweet amazingly beautiful little boy has left on this earth, but I know he is going to live in the heart of Mike and I forever. I will never forget that beautiful smile or those big blue eyes. He is truly the most amazing little boy ever.

So, if any of you readers have any wonderful Christian songs that would be good for a video, please pass the names on to me. I have a few picked out, but I need a few more.

Please keep "E" and his family (Mom, Dad, Twin Brother and 3 other siblings) in your thoughts and prayers. They need A LOT of strength to get through the weeks, months, and years ahead.

Ugh...If there were only more time...

2009-06-11T16:03:00.002-05:00

In a day. I would have more time to blog! My poor blog is so neglected sometimes! :)

Well Homestudy Number 2 is on MONDAY!!! As a very good friend of mine says: HOLY CRAPSACK!!! I'm beyond excited about it!! I'm really not nervous-but that could change come Monday afternoon. I'm just excited to start the waiting process. There is a classic adoption saying: "Hurry up and wait!" Thats where we're at right now....

My first wedding 2 weeks ago....well that was interesting to say the least. I had a blast taking pictures-and honestly-for my first wedding-I'm not to disappointed with how they turned out!! I took about 1000 through out the day, and my husband's cousin who came for about 2 hours to get 2 camera's during the ceremony-took about 200. So we have A LOT of pictures to pass onto the bride and groom. Hopefully they are happy with them!! They were very excited with the sneak peak that I gave them.

I'm hoping to start a photography blog in the next few days...We'll see if it happens. I have a mound of paperwork to finish and a family session to edit and a maternity session tonight. So, we'll see what happens! No promises! :)

Homestudy #1

2009-05-26T22:46:00.002-05:00

Well considering it was a week ago-I figured I should update! I'm such a slacker!

Our homestudy went awesome! SO GREAT!! I love our social worker....she's so amazing! So sweet and caring, compassionate-and truly someone that wants us to be parents-not someone who is going to try and prevent us from being parents. She really is awesome. We talked a lot about our family histories. How we were each raised, what our relationships are with our families-things like that. It was about 2 hours long-but in reality-it really didn't feel that long-like I said it went really really well.

Our next one will be either next week or the week after!

We're on our way!

Overwhelmed with Emotions...

2009-05-18T13:23:00.002-05:00

Ugh! That's how I feel today....plain and simple...UGH! I had a good weekend. One of relaxation, some cleaning, and some time with great friends.

Last night however, reality set in...and I realized this week was going to be stressful and overwhelming.

Tomorrow is our first homestudy. And suprisingly I'm not at all nervous about that. I actually feel totally calm and collected about that. Which is a BIG surprise. Typically I'm one who freaks out and stresses about that kind of thing. So the fact that I'm not-is a pleasant surprise.

However, the end of the week is a BIG HUGE ENORMOUS event of mine. One that I'm more nervous for than anything else I've done in a long time....My first Wedding. No-not my wedding-but a wedding that I'm shooting-meaning photography.

This is a subject that I haven't blogged much about-not really sure why-maybe because I've been so focused on the adoption...that I really haven't had a lot of time to think about it...but in reality-some of my personal goals, dreams, and ambitions in life are happening right in front of me and if I don't stop and enjoy them-they are going to pass me by. A little background....I've always LOVED photography. I was that girl who took pictures of everything-and I was THAT GIRL who always had a camera with at every event. As I got older, it just manifested into a glorified hobby. Than over time, people have been asking me to do their baby pictures, family photo's, pet's, some candid (behind the scenes) wedding photography. Well about 6 weeks ago I got a call from a coworker of my husband. Her daughter had just gotten engaged-and decided to do a wedding in a very short amount of time....meaning this weekend. (Man I give that girl credit. I had a hard enough time planning a wedding in a year-let alone 2 months!) She needed a photographer. My first response....kindly decline-and thank them for the offer-but....before I could even get those words out of my mouth-she said-she trusts me-and she knows this will be my first wedding, but she'd be honored if I would do it. Ugh...how could I say no! Than my next response-do it for free...than I will feel better. However, as I'm telling her how flattered I was that she would ask me-she tells me that she will pay me....she HAS TO...It's only right that someone gets paid for there job. So I told her-you give me what you think I'm worth....let me tell you-she must think I'm worth a heck of a lot of money! Cause I was floored when I got the first check that said 1 of 2 in the memo line.

About a week later-I get a phone call from an acquaintance. We worked together a few years ago-but I haven't talked to her since my wedding-cause her now fiance was a groomsmen....they are getting married in July-and asked if I would shoot there wedding as well....EEK! Are you serious?!?! So-I decided-I would do it. Than over the weekend while I was shooting a babies 6 month shots-the mom asked if I was available August 15th for her cousins wedding. She was having a heck of a time finding a photographer.....SERIOUSLY! WHERE DOES THIS KIND OF THING COME FROM!?!! I've always wanted to stay at home when we had kids...ALWAYS...Just never knew if it would be possible....I'm beginning to second guess those thoughts.....and I'm realizing more and more that God does provide...and that God does honor those wishes that are heavy on our hearts. So I have a lot of praising to do over the next few days as well as a lot of praying for guidance and strength to use the talents that he gave me to the best of my ability!

God is Good!

Did You Miss Me....

2009-05-14T16:28:00.002-05:00

Cause I've missed myself...I feel like I'm nothing short of a chicken running around with her head cut off. But....now....I can relax.....at least a little.

Ok-an update on the last few weeks.....

First our Homestudy.

We had talked with our social worker-whom I love by the way-seriously one of the sweetest girls ever. We had it all set up for tomorrow evening at 6PM. That way neither Mike or I had to take time off of work. (although I did anyways-cause I figured I wouldn't be able to concentrate at work.) Well today she calls me...and she has to reschedule...DOH! For a completely understandable reason-a birthmom came forward-and she is due in a week. While I don't know details-I know that some parents are going to get the amazing news this weekend that they are going to be parents. So I have to be totally honest-I'm not in the least bit upset, but rather THRILLED for those new parents to be. I'll be saying a specail prayer for them tonight and thanking God for the fact that there dream is coming true. So we rescheduled for next Tuesday. No Biggie.

Moving on to other things....I'm hoping to paint the nursery this weekend, or at least get it started. We are acquiring a few things here and there-so I decided that it was time to get going. We are picking up our crib next week....which is coming from Mike's grandma....kind of. When his grandma died a few years ago-he was told that she had left him some money. We had no idea how much or anything-and in reality-we really didn't care....it's always hard inheriting money-cause money isn't going to bring the person back-at least thats how I feel. Anyways, the other day I was in the bank and I was told that my husband has a separate savings account there. Hmmm...weird-this is a new bank for us-we've never banked there-how can he have an account there. Turns out-thats where the money from his grandma was left. So...while it wasn't "much" according to some...it is enough to buy us a VERY NICE beautiful crib-and we are SO GREATFUL.

So hopefully I'll get a few pictures posted this weekend of before and after...and then once we get our crib set up I'll take a few more!

I need some opinions...

2009-04-30T21:31:00.003-05:00

Mike and I are going back and forth on a few things. We are starting to adjust our monthly budget now so that we can be prepared when our loan payments come due for the adoption. We know its going to be awhile...but might as well prepare ourselves now.

So we're trying to think of ways we can save money. A very very good friend of mine cloth diapers. I never thought I would cloth diaper. NEVER! SO NOT ME! However, I'm all about saving money...a lot of money! Since breastfeeding isn't an option for us, we will be spending A LOT of money on formula every month-we thought this would be a good way to save some money. We really like the bum genius. They are great! When we've taken care of our friends little peanut-she wears them-and they are GREAT!! "M" was the one who first got me thinking about it-and when her and I went baby shopping last Friday-we looked at them for awhile-and i started thinking more seriously about them. They aren't very cheap to start off with, but in the long run they will save money. And on top of all of that-its good for the enviornment-which is obviously a big plus as well.

So I want opinions...pros and cons for cloth diapering and not. Your experiences....is cloth diapering worth it? Not worth it? Easier? More work?

FINANCING APPROVED!!!

2009-04-28T11:53:00.001-05:00

PRAISE THE LORD IN HEAVEN!!! ALL OF OUR FINANCING IS APPROVED!!!

WAHOOOOOO!!!!!!

I Have To Remember....

2009-04-28T10:53:00.002-05:00

That God is in control here. Not me-but God. And let me tell you-right now, that is the hardest thing for me to do.

The application part-piece of cake, now we are heading to the finances part of this-I'm impatiently waiting for a phone call letting us know about the financial aspect of all of this. I've been telling myself, God is in control-God is in control, and I've been praying so hard for peace about this. Praying that he will calm my heart and help me to relax. Its so hard though. I have no control over this part of it right now and anyone who knows me-knows that I like being in control. I'm not a control freak-but this is a HUGE part of our life right now. HUGE. I know that Adoption is something that I really don't have a lot of control over-esp. the timing of it all. Anything could happen after our homestudy is completed. ANYTHING AT ANYTIME!!! But its hard for me to remember that God's timing is the most important. It will all happen when its supposed to happen.

The financial aspect of it is more stressful than most things I think-only because EVERYTHING hinges on this. We've already talked about different fundraisers we can do. And I'm looking into every grant imaginable. It's all just so overwhelming sometimes to think about.

But again...God is in control here...not me. I'm not in control of what is going to happen-but God is. God is in control of every step of this. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.

We're APPROVED!!!!

2009-04-24T22:57:00.001-05:00

Just because this deserves it's own post....

We're APPROVED!!!

Our initial application with our agency has been approved!!!

Next step is the homestudy which will be in the next week to 2 weeks!!

EEEEKKKKK!!!!!! NO TURNING BACK NOW!! :)

Whew.....it's been awhile!!

2009-04-24T22:43:00.003-05:00

WOW! I feel like its been FOREVER since I posted last. Well-it has been a long time-but it feels like FOREVER. Work should calm down a lot now. My major event for the year is done, and it went great!!! We raised a lot of money, broke a few records, and had a lot of fun! It was a great night!!!

The flooding here is insane. I've never seen anything like this in my life. The national gaurd has set up camp here in town and they are everywhere. They are patrolling the dikes, 24/7 and laying sandbags constantly. It's just so crazy to me. We've plugged our sewer drains in the basement hoping and praying we don't ever have to plug the toilet-but we bought that plug to-just in case. We're waiting to do the bathroom in the basement until we have to. Until then...we'll just hope and pray we don't need to.

Here are a few pictures....this is a local park...about 1.5 blocks away....

These pictures don't really do it justice, but let's just say this is very scary stuff. There is SO MUCH WATER HERE!!!! Say alot of prayers for everyone in this area!! It's only going to get worse before it gets better!!

Hmm...it's been awhile

2009-04-04T11:35:00.002-05:00

Whew....a brief break in my life to blog. It seems like forever.

Not much is new here really-at least I don't feel like it is. Work is keeping me extremely busy-but in a few weeks that will all be over and my normal life can resume. The flooding is getting better, but we are still not out of the woods yet. I will spend most of the afternoon sandbagging and some of next week as well. Just say some prayers, that this water subsides!! It's going to be a scary few weeks.

In other news....we've MOVED!! YAY!!! We are all moved and settled and LOVING our new place. It's cozy, but much bigger than where we were at, with much more room! So much storage and the perfect room for a nursery. :) We are very excited to get going on that. We have the bassinet set up in there-and it made me kind of choked up when I looked at it full of baby clothes. Sigh....that will be our baby's room someday. SO EXCITING!!

On the adoption front, not much new. We are waiting on our application approval-then we will start the homestudy. We are now contemplating foster/adopt as well. But I think that will require a lot more thinking and praying....but we will see where God takes us. After all, it is HIS Plan that we have to follow. :)

PURE CHAOS!!

2009-03-25T22:09:00.002-05:00

Seriously-that's how I feel my life is right now-pure chaos.

First of all....work-insanly busy. It's by far the busiest time of year for me...so what the heck-why not throw a move in, an adoption, a sick dog, and now flooding. Yes-flooding. I won't say exactly where I live-but I will say the upper midwest and we are in water-a lot of water. It's been a crazy few days. We've been vacumming water out of our basement for about a week, trying to move into our new house, while painting a few rooms in that house, pack up the old house, and help out where ever we can with others who need it.

So-I'm still around but extremely busy....I'm going to try and get some pictures taken and upload them-because seriously if you're not here-and if I describe it-you won't believe me....

Just a few random things....

2009-03-17T09:17:00.002-05:00

Nothing of real importance....but the excitement of moving has really set in. We are so excited to get into our new BIGGER AND BETTER place. We are waiting to find out how early we can get in. We are hoping to get the keys over the next few days so we can get in over the weekend and start painting.

I think the room that I am the most excited to paint is our nursery. Right now it is a very neutral color-beige I believe. I thought about leaving it but I think I will change it to either a yellow or green. Mike wants a Curious George theme-I'm not totally convinced. We'll see.
It excites me to start setting things up in there. To get our crib, and our glider, and all of the other fun decorations that come along with it.

Our paperwork is just about finished-and will be sent out at the end of the week. After that-we will get our homestudy started and we were told that-that should be finished in about 2 months. So we are on our way.....EEK! So many exciting things happening and I finally feel like they are happening for us instead of against us. It's a nice change!!

Oh-and as far as my previous post.....I'm much happier now. Days like that can really drag a person down... but I'm a much happier person now.....thank goodness for a loving and understanding husband! Gotta love a man who can deal with a rollercoaster of emotions!

Do you ever have those days....

2009-03-15T21:13:00.002-05:00

When you have a knot in your stomach, edgy, crabby, and pretty much feeling like yelling at anyone who comes in front of you????

That's me today. Who knows why-maybe due to the lack of sleep last night, maybe its cause I'm due to get my period this next week....I think....I sometimes lose track since I don't really have to keep track anymore.....or maybe its cause my stress level feels like its going through the roof because this time of year is crazy stressful at work....whatever the reason is I hate feeling this way. I HATE IT!

I'm thinking of taking a tylenol PM and going to bed.....we'll see how far I get with that thought.....off to get back to work....

I'm still here! :)

2009-03-10T11:25:00.002-05:00

Just in case anyone missed me! :)

I've been oh so busy these days. But thats a good thing....I think. We were in Wisconsin for a wedding this weekend and had a great time! It was SO NICE to get away and go on a little mini vacation. It was much needed and appreciated!

On the adoption front...our paperwork is almost finished-and will hopefully have it all mailed off in the next few days. Once that is taken care of then we will just wait for our approval and then get our homestudy scheduled.

On another note...WE ARE MOVING!!! YAY!! PRAISE THE LORD!!! We like our house...but we outgrew many many months ago. With Mike and I and our 2 lovely furbabies we need more space. We found a very cute 3 bedroom 2 bath house, double stall garage, finished basement, and within walking distance of a park. Its adoreable. It's not our dream house-but for the time being it will work great. We had looked into buying-and after we went back and forth with our bank between our adoption loan as well as a mortgage and with the economy the way it is-we opted to rent for another year or 2 and save up some more money to give us a much better down payment. While of course we would much rather own then rent-for us right now its the best decision. And we're ok with it....we are just SO EXCITED to have more room. It is going to be about 3x as much room as we have now! Its going to give us plenty of room to grow and have a baby-and it will give the baby the space he or she needs. It's going to be great!!

On the work front...this is the busiest time of year for me at work. My biggest project of the year is a huge benefit auction. It takes place the middle of April and I've been in full swing planning mode since last years event...but of course it takes full speed the 5-6 weeks prior. So many many things going on-and many things keeping me busy....that's definitely a good thing!!

And it Officially Begins!!!

2009-02-25T09:33:00.003-06:00

Our Official Adoption start date.....February 24th, 2009. Well at least thats what I would say-is official. I started filling out our application last night-Ugh! It's LONG!!! I mean I knew it was long-but I had no idea simple questions could bring on such long complicated answers!!

We made the decision to adopt back in July, when we got the original dx of Mike's Azoospermia. We knew Mike would have surgery eventually-we just didn't know when. When November came and went-and we got the official dx...we decided we would move on with adoption in the spring. So...Spring is a few months away-but we decided to get the ball rolling-and see how far it goes!

We are still in "touch" with our potential birthmom. But we are much more gaurded about the situation then we used to be. We are getting many conflicting reports...so just kind of take things as they come. If it works out-GREAT...but if not-we are prepared for that as well. I just hope whatever her decision is-she makes it for herself and the baby-not for the rest of her family.

I'm hoping to finish the initial application in the next few days....and send it in with our application fee. I had started one a few weeks ago-and then after we got word on the potential birthmom and the many contacts I had with my agency-they were in the process of updating there application-so to save time in the long run-I waited until we got the new packet in the mail.

So...it begins....and the stress levels rise! Ugh! It's a crazy whirlwind of emotions! But every day brings us one step closer!!!

Sometimes My Body Annoys Me.....

2009-02-23T08:41:00.002-06:00

Ok a lot of the time it annoys me....but right now-its really annoying me.

This maybe TMI for some people so if it is I apologize.....

Since last Sunday night I've been fighting flu like symptoms. (As you can see from my previous post.) Headaches, nausea, exhaustion, and just feeling simply like crap. Well I tossed it up to just that I caught a bug and that I was supposed to see AF on Friday. Well Friday came and went-and nothing. But I thought for sure on Saturday....nothing....well surely Sunday....nothing. Well definitely I'll have it Monday when I get up....Nothing. UGH! Seriously! Just show up already!!! I know I'm not pregnant...cause really-how is there any way. But I'm not going to lie and say that I didn't think of buing an HPT yesterday when I was at walmart and walked by them. I then reminded myself-oh yea....not possible. And continued walking.

Ugh...why does a body insist on playing tricks on me. It's like salt in the wounds sometimes I think.

If I Didn't Know Better.....

2009-02-19T10:17:00.003-06:00

I could honestly be convinced I was pregnant. But since that really isn't a possibility I will just go on and say that I think I've got the touch of some nasty stomach virus.

Since Sunday I haven't been feeling all that great. Headaches, waves of SEVERE nausea, exhaustion, and just plain not feeling well. Monday I stayed home from work-hoping some sleep would help with the headache that was turning into a migraine...luckily-I caught it before it was full blown....but ugh-was that painful. But since Monday-even through last night-I've been so sick to my stomach. Doesn't matter what I eat, or don't eat-I'm ready to lose it about 20 minutes later. I fell asleep last night expecting to be throwing up all night thinking I was coming down with the flu. But instead I woke up this morning-feeling OK..not great-but ok. I brought a pack of soda crackers to work today thinking I was going to need something to calm my stomach. In not to long-I'll be eating some I think.

I know I shouldn't do this to myself because the .00000000001% chance that my husband would have 1 or 2 swimmers to make it through is so slim that its basically impossible-but hey there is still that .0000000001 chance. :)

We babysat last night for some very good friends of ours. There little girl is such a doll-and Mike had the time of his life with her. He's going to be such an amazing dad. I think it was hard for him to hold her, play with her, and feed her-and then to sit back and think that we aren't there yet. But-we will....sooner than later hopefully.

PCOS Lucky Me

2009-02-14T10:13:00.003-06:00

It's been a busy time....work has been swamped, I've spent a lot of time doing a lot of random things that aren't typical in a week....but oh well...such is life.

My results FINALLY came in after I called the dr's office 2x. He said he was going to call me with the results....but instead he sent me a letter-which I'm a little upset about-but not much I can do.

Turns out-after all of this time and after all of the times I've talked with my OB/Gyn about my endo...it's not endo. It's PCOS. Thanksfully it's not the insulin resistant form-as of yet-but from the research I've done based on my fasting glucose levels-I'm wondering if it may turn into that over time. Turns out my LH hormone as well as my FSH hormone levels are way off. They are opposite levels of where they are supposed to be. He said that basically the only treatment one can do in my situation is hormone treatment. And at this time I'm not to convinced I want to go that route-but I know probably should. So next week I'll call and make an appt. and see what he recommends. Guess we'll see. Hormone treatments don't make me very excited. Esp. if it requires a shot....not to excited about that option.

So such is life.....guess now I have answers and can kind of change my diet, life accordingly...but it still sucks. regardless.

Dr. Appt's

2009-02-04T09:55:00.003-06:00

Any woman knows that the that one appt. per year that she should "really" go to...is about the farthest thing from fun that one can imagine. I felt like a freak parade...nurses, dr.'s medstudents....akward-to say the least....oh well..I guess I'm ok with being a learning experience to what will hopefully someday be a great dr. (And she really was nice-I will say that.)

But I degress.....I visited with Dr. Z at length about my pain....we talked about many different options, and after my exam he told me that he's no longer 100% convinced that I have endo. Excuse me?!!? Then what is going on? Am I just one of the lucky ones who has extremely painful periods and ovulation pains and cramping etc??? Not exactly...he's thinking PCOS...for the non medical minded....Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.....GREAT(insert sarcasm here)!! So I went in for lab work...and I swear I got lightheaded after they took the 8 viles of blood. Whew...that was A LOT of blood. But at least the tech was good-got it after the first poke...no bruising-barely felt a thing. So now I wait for all of those lab tests to come back.

When he was talking to me about PCOS.....everything he was describing was me a T. Every charachteristic, every symptom, everything! Scary business!! I'm not sure if I would be relieved or pissed if I find out I do have it. I mean-it would give me A LOT of answers....but it would also make me crabby that I will be taking medication for the rest of my life.

I'm getting pretty good at this waiting game. He's hoping that they results should be back within a week. So I wait...

Delayed Reactions

2009-01-31T08:46:00.002-06:00

I feel like I'm having a delayed reactions to all of my feelings. I feel like these things should have been fealt along time ago-but instead of feeling them now.

I tell myself sometimes that I'm numb...that nothing really phases me. I don't always feel like I'm feeling as sad as I should about a situation, or like I feel as happy as I should. I don't consider myself depressed-becuase usually I'm a fairly happy person all things considering.

But the past few days I just can't shake these feelings. The feelings of sadness, grief, anxiety, lonliness, a fear that I'm/we're being punished. I know we're not-but there are times when thats the only answer I can give myself as to why this has happened to us-is that we are being punished-although I know in my heart that doesn't make sense-but in my mind it does.

When I sleep-I sleep really well-but I wake up every few hours and start thinking about our baby. I think about him or her all the time it seems like. I think about our birthmom and I wonder who she is and what she is doing. I think about how lucky I am to have all of the blessings I do in my life....but is it so wrong to want a baby to be one of those blessings.

I feel like I should have moved on from these feelings by now. We were dx with IF back in July-I find myself as a person who deals with things quickly...and then I just like to put those feelings away somewhere....but IF has been different. Everyday lately has been a constant reminder that we don't have children yet, and that we might not for awhile.

One of my favorite quotes in the world comes from Mother Theresa....."I know God has a plan, I just wish he didn't trust me so much." I know God trusts me....I just wish he moved as quick as I want him to with the plans he has for us. :)

Feeling Kinda Down Today....

2009-01-29T10:20:00.002-06:00

Don't know why in particluar. I mean-nothing new has come up. We are still in limbo with our Birth Mother....we have no idea where she stands-and I think I'm just letting the possibility that could have been a mom in just a few months go. But I have been for a few weeks now-at least I think I have been.

Infertility is truly a rollercoaster of emotions. There are days when I feel on top of the world-and I don't let infertility bother me. I stay positivie and I try and keep the thought in my head that I will be a mom, someday I will be. Then there are days like today when I just feel upset and bothered and angry at times that 2 people who want children more than anything can't have them. It just doesn't seem fair to me. I know God has his plan-but it is still frustrating to not understand it.

Mike has been down the past few days. I know he is feeling the sadness, anxiety, and stress of the fact that we were so close to being parents-at least we felt we were close by everything we were hearing, and everything she was telling our friend...that we really thought this might be it. I think the reality has kind of set it-that it might not work out.

I feel more bad for him I think than anything-because I know he feels responsible for how I feel and my sadness at times-when he shouldn't because its not his fault. It's just a matter of time before I have a lap to remove my endo. So even if he was fine-I'm still not-and I think we would still be trying to conceive...

Another aspect of my sadness comes from the fact that people tell us....just adopt then you will for sure get pregnant. I think over the weekend I heard that about 5 times. What don't people understand?!?! WE CAN'T GET PREGNANT!!! There is no way-besides a true miracle from God that we will ever get pregnant.

I'm also tired of hearing the well I know how you feel...we struggled for 3 months to get pregnant, or I know how you feel because we might have trouble getting pregnant one day, or the ever famous-pregnancy really isn't all that great...your not missing out on much. Really....I think having a baby is pretty great....you of all people should know-you already have a beautiful child in front of you.

I know unless you are truly struggling with Infertility you really don't know what it is like. To be told that you will never have a biological child of your own-is not something you ever want to hear. I want nothing more then to look at someone who says-I totally know how you feel and say..."Really?! When were you diagnosed? When did you get that awful gut wrenching news? How many times have you and your husband cried yourselves to sleep over it? How many times have you held your husband as he's cried in your arms because he feels responsible? How many times have you gone to the dr. with your husband just to have him humiliated by having to give a Semen analysis?" That might seem so harsh-but it's days like today when I really honeslty would love to shake those people who say things like that.

I know its days like today when I just need to sit back and pray for strength, wisdom, understanding not only for myself but for all of those who are ignorant" for lack of a better word when it comes to talking with people dealing with IF. I would rather have someone look me in the eyes and tell me they don't know what to say to say those words. Ugh.....

I just need a good cry....and maybe a good hug from my husband.....and a little extra strength from above today.

Stressed, Overwhelmed....and Exhausted

2009-01-23T08:50:00.002-06:00

I've been thinking about posting something this week-since it has been quite the rollercoaster, but could just never force myself to do it, even though I spend about 90% of my work day at my desk.

This week....ugh-what a week. Let's have a brief recap....although I'm sure this one is going to turn into a short novel...

Last weekend...woke up with a sore back-nothing to alarming-I've had back problems my entire life. I've just grown with the fact that I always will.

Woke up on Monday-could barely move-and my left arm was numb-I figured it was time to call the chiropractor-made the call-couldn't get in until Tuesday-DOH!

Tuesday-go to the chiropractor-find out I have 3 vertebra (sp?) out and my hips are out by 3/4 inch. My chiropractor says-child birth will be a breeze-because these injuries don't just happen....you've been like this for awhile-you must have an extremely high pain tolerance if you haven't been in here sooner-you'll be that girl with no drugs! If you only knew lady-if you only knew....child birth won't ever be happening for me....but oh well-just make my back not hurt. I wasn't going to get into that conversation today.

Tuesday night-we get the news. Our BM is having reservations about the situation. Well let me rephrase that....she's not-but her family and the BF are not supporting the decision. She knows that she can't keep this baby, but her family is trying to convince her otherwise-all the while knowing that it will be her responsibility-not theres. BF says he's going to help-but he's not taking care of the several (yes several) children he already has. And he's a felon-and in and out of jail. Why he is going to take care of this child-if he hasn't taken care of the other ones. Plus-he lives in a different state-so if she moves to his home state....she will be leaving any sense of stability that she does have. She has still said that she wants to meet us...but we are much more gaurded then we were before. We know this may very well not turn out the way we want it to. But my heart aches for her. I can't imagine what she's going through....I just wish she could find the support she needs.

Wednesday.....my work load increased by two-fold. It is our busiest time of year-and while my mind has been with the BM-I'm finding it tough to focus at work and be the productive person I know I need to be.

Thursday...went with Mike to his work for Family night. All I see all over-BABIES. Many many babies. I know everyone of those women and men-love there children with there whole heart, but sometimes I wonder if the realize just how blessed they are. They are able to have children, more than one even-maybe even 4 or 5! Do you realize how blessed you are?!?!?! That's what I wanted to say when I hear a few of them was complaining about the lack of sleep they got the night before-because some of there babies woke up a few times to eat. I would give anything for that-but please don't complain to someone who want's more than anything to wake up to hear that baby wanting nothing more than there mom or dad to feed them and hold them...because feel blessed that you are a mom and that you have the baby that needs you. (and yes-they know about our IF.)

That leads me to today-it's going to be another busy day-but at least it's Friday-and I have the weekend to relax.

I do want to add something...by reading this-some may think that I am angered or upset by the average person who can conceive naturally without any trouble-like most of my friends are. I'm not saying that at all-because I WOULD NEVER WISH IF ON ANYONE!!! NEVER!!! What angers me-are those people that can get pg very easily.....and who do not appreciate what they have. They don't appreciate how lucky and blessed they are. As tired as you may be at 3:00 am when your baby wakes up for the 4th time-praise GOD THAT YOU HAVE THAT HEALTHY CHILD!!! PRAISE GOD THAT YOUR CHILD HAS THE FOOD TO EAT!!! GIVE THANKS THAT GOD BLESSED YOU WITH THAT CHILD!!! Do I know a Mother's Love? No-not yet, but the love I have for my child that I don't even have yet is only a fraction of what I will feel later when I'm holding him or her in my arms for the first time. But the first thing I will be saying is PRAISE GOD FOR THIS MIRACLE.

Our Birthmom.....I Wonder Who She Is...

2009-01-19T09:19:00.003-06:00

I think about our birthmom a lot. I wonder who she is, what she looks like, what she likes to do. I think about how she is feeling (if she is pregnant yet), I think about how old she is and what her favorite color is. I wonder what color her eyes are, her hair....I think about her a lot. I pray for her everyday and I really hope that where ever she is she knows how much I genuinely care about her and love her already-even though we have truly never met.

If she's pregnant right now what is she thinking about? What is she feeling? What are the thoughts that are going through her head. Is she being kept up at night by the kicks of the baby? Or is she going through morning sickness and the stage of pure exhaustion? I think about this a lot-and I wonder....just for a minute-if she's already made the decision to give her child up, does she think about us?

I don't know how you can ever show appreciation to someone who is going to give you the most amazing gift anyone could ever give. It amazes me the amount of pure unconditional love she will have for this little baby. To look at this beautiful little child and say-I love you so much that I'm giving you to someone who can take care of you the way that I want to but can't. Ugh...my heart breaks for her as it leaps for joy for me. Does that make sense?

How can something so unbelievably happy for us, be so devestating to others? That just doesn't seem fair!

Brrr.....and other ramblings

2009-01-15T12:39:00.002-06:00

So I wake up this morning to watch the Today show-and get ready for work-normal routine for me. They are updating my current weather-and what do I hear....-57 BELOW!!!! CRAZINESS!! That has to be wrong! It can't be THAT cold out....yep-sure is....BRRR. That's all I can say. I don't remember in my life ever being as cold as it is today. Such is life I guess...makes me very thankful for HEAT!!

Other ramblings of mine include....well not much. This weekends project-our portfolio. I'm going to attempt to make a scrapbook for our potential BM to look at when we meet her. What will it all include-I HAVE NO IDEA...but its gotta be done. Everything I've read and everyone I've talked to has said to bring this with when we meet her so she can see what we are like. She can see pictures of our family, and see who we really are. So I will start that this weekend...let's hope and pray it goes well...I'm not a very artistic person. And this sounds crazy-but I really don't know how many pictures Mike and I actually have together. I mean-we have a fair share-but I'm usually behind the camera. So that will prove to be a bit challenging.

Other than that....not much new to report! :)

I've been Tagged!

2009-01-12T16:13:00.004-06:00

So here we go....

The Rules: Go to your My documents or where ever you store your photo's. Go to the 6th folder and pick out the 6th picture. Tell us a story about that photo.

This is my Monster Man...or My Menace to Society....or Sigamonster....or little man....or my Little Love....my Naughty little puppy or Sig. Any of the above will work.....

His real Name-Sigmund....yes as is Sigmund Freud....and yes-he is a Mommy's boy-like NONE OTHER! :) This has to be one of the first days we got him. On Daisy's pillow....can you tell we have 2 black dogs??? He looks sweet and innocent...but let me tell you....HE'S NOT!!!

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I feel the need to tell a little bit about my Sigamonster. He's honestly a sweet little puppy. He really is.....MOST OF THE TIME....he may be sweet-but he's not so innocent. :) Sig came to us in July of 08. We already had Daisy-our 1 year old black lab. We were NOT in the market for another puppy. Daisy was trained, and we were getting ready to start her therapy dog training. (Which she has completed!!) We were totally content with just having her. AGAIN-WE WERE NOT IN THE MARKET FOR ANOTHER PUPPY!! However, Mike had heard about a yellow lab that had been dropped off at the local humane society-about 6 months old. Mike has always dreamed of having a yellow lab-named Duke. So Daisy was a comprimise-because I wanted a black german shepherd. So we got a Black Lab and named her Daisy Duke. :) We call her the ultimate marital comprimise.

Anyways...when we looked at the human society website-that cute little yellow lab was already adopted out..thankgoodness! I hate the thought of poor innocent little puppies or dogs in general living in a shelter. However, connected to the humane society webpage was our local animal rescue page. Mike and clicked on that page-just to take a look-thinking maybe that little pup was on there....nope no such luck. BUT staring at us off of our computer were those big dark eyes that you see in the above picture. They looked so sweet. Then we read his story-and I got teary eyed. Sig was found on reservation within the state that I live in. A woman was driving through and stopped at a gas station to see 6 teenagers stoning this little puppy. She could hear him whelping with each stone and stick that was thrown at him. She went over-picked up the pup and told them she was taking this puppy. She couldn't bare to watch him die like that. He was shaking-and crying-after all he was only around 6 weeks old! They argued...and she said she would pay them for the dog-they didn't want the money-what did they want instead-Cigarettes...so she bought a few packs of cigarettes and she took the dog-so we affectionately call him Sig...short for Cigarette. :) Only seemed fitting.

We originally were only going to foster him-but after a few short days-we knew that we couldn't give him away to another family. He was SO ATTACHED to Daisy-and Daisy was to him. So we kept him. And he's been with us ever since. :)

But a little info on Sig..he's a quick little thing. He can destroy a box of kleenex in a matter of seconds. A roll of toilet paper-NO PROBLEM-Destroyed to shreds in a minute or less. Socks HIS FAVORITE THING! He has a habit of digging into the laundry basket and finding every sock he can-and bring them to his kennel or pillow. Not to chew on them...only to keep them close to him. Shoes...HE LOVES SHOES. I've lost a few pair to his puppy teeth. If you have seen the movie Marley and Me or read the book-Sig is Marley in a different color. They are one in the same. Couch cusions, pillows, blankets, chewed through them all. But yet-I love that little thing so much. How....somedays I wonder-but regardless....I love him. I can't imagine my life without him :)

I Tag:

Kristi & Erica

Kind of a rut....

2009-01-10T00:03:00.004-06:00

Why is it that things in life that really shouldn't bother you do....and the things that should bother you don't....I've been pondering that one a lot lately...here is why.

I find myself in a rut lately. Not a rut where I'm down and depressed-but more of a rut with the world around me. I find myself dwelling on things that really shouldn't bother me. Things that I can't control-and things that really shouldn't matter-but for whatever reason in my mind lately-they do matter.

For example-why do I care if someone doesn't like me. I'm not a perfect person-and I need to remember that not everyone is going to like me. But I think what is frustrating-is that in my heart I do try to be a very good person. I try to be a person who is loving, caring, and there for her friends anytime, anyday. A person who prays for her friends just because I want to....a person who loves life and tries to get those around her to be happy. So what is it about me that some people don't like? I don't know....and I can't control there feelings-so why is it that at times it bothers me and others it doesn't? It shouldn't-and I know that-but in reality it does-but I wish it didn't.

I know this is something I really really need to pray about-and I do. But it still seems so hard on me sometimes-and I really don't like feeling like this. I don't like feeling negative or seeming like a negative person so how do I tell myself that others opinions don't matter? It seems so much easier said then done! I really do try to be a good person, and in my heart I know that I'm a good person-perfect-absolutely not-but a good person yes.

So this is something I need to pray more about.....pray for knowledge on how to accept these things, pray for peace, pray for wisdom, and pray for acceptance of these difficulties....and even more than that-no matter how bad these people can make me feel-I need to pray for them. Because maybe they need prayer just as much as I do. God can do amazing things....if we just ask him for a little help along the way.

UPDATE :)

2009-01-05T15:40:00.002-06:00

I stopped to see Mike over my lunch break...he just got done visiting with "T."

BM wants to meet us in about 3 weeks!! Her therapist has recommended that she completes her 4 weeks of counseling and then takes the next step! Since she knows that adoption is the path she wants to go on....she knows she wants to meet us-but would feel best if she finished her counseling. I'm so glad she is going through the counseling. As far as we know-she's not meeting with any other couples....It is such a relief to me that she is going to counseling and that she has knows what is best for her at this point in time. I can't even imagine how she is feeling...but I know that I love her so much already. If she chooses us, I can't even begin to imagine the amount of love and support I will have for her. She's giving us the most amazing gift. And she's giving her baby the most amazing gift-the gift of life...and love.

Ugh...I get teary eyed just thinking about this. I could be a mommy!

A POSSIBLE MATCH!!!

2009-01-02T14:34:00.003-06:00

A POSSIBLE MATCH!!!!

In my previous post I mentioned something about how a GREAT thing happened the last week of 2008. I hesitated to blog about it...but have decided to do it. It is none the less part of our journey to our baby...so I feel that it is only appropriate that I "write" it down to remember every step of the way. So yes....you read that correctly-we have a POSSIBLE match.

Any of you have been following my blog know that we have yet to send in all of our paperwork for the agency, but have rather been enjoying our time together and looking forward to the year ahead and all that it will hold. So you may be asking...HOW CAN THIS BE!?! Trust me-I've asked myself that question many many times.

This is what we know:

A friend of ours whom we will call "T" approached my husband about 2 weeks ago and said she had been thinking of us for a few days....a co-worker of her husband was in a bind. Her daughter who is 20 years old is pregnant and wants to give the baby up for adoption. She had moved across the country not long after highschool...and as "T" put it...made a few bad choices, and is now pregnant. Knowing that abortion was not an option, she swallowed her pride and called her mother for help. Her mother immediately told her to come home and welcomed her with open arms. "T" after talking about the situation for quite sometime told her that there are many many couples in the world who are waiting to adopt and that she would get the names of a few good agencies...since obviously we had researched several. Her daughter is hesitant to use an agency for several reasons, and the grandmother mentioned that. She said that her daughter would much rather not use an agency, but rather just a lawyer. Immediately "T" thought of us..but didn't want to say anything until she got the OK from us. So she talked to Mike at work the next day. OF COURSE WE SAID TELL HER ABOUT US!!! So the next day she saw BM and grandma....and told her about us. BM was VERY EXCITED. She said she was so glad to hear about us. And that she knows she can't keep this baby and she can't expect her mother to help....AND THAT SHE WANTS TO MEET US! My heart leaped out of my chest when I heard "T" say those words.

BM said first though she wants to finish her counseling that she has put herself in. While she knows that adoption is the path for her she needs to know that all of the emotions she is feeling right now are totally normal and she needs to get some of those thing off of her chest first. Which I'm really glad she is. Through a lot of the reading I"ve done....every book says that counseling is best for birthmothers. We wouldn't even go with an agency that didn't provide counseling to the birth moms....we think its very important.

So the birthmother said that she wants to meet with us...after a few more weeks of counseling. But she kept saying over and over how excited she was to meet us. When Mike called to tell me I was shaking. Crying, smiling, laughing...EVERYTHING. COULD THIS REALLY BE HAPPENING!!!! She's around 12-13 weeks along-and due mid July.

Of course in my mind I'm trying to let myself get attached...but if any of you have been through this you know its hard not to get excited and attached in some way. But again, we know that this might not work out and she may not choose us, or she may decide to parent herself...but at the moment-we have hope-and we have a POSSIBLE MATCH! The situation itself PERFECT!!! It would require no travel, she would like a semi-open adoption, with pictures and letters. (She plans on flying back to the state she moved to after the baby is born.) Again-a PERFECT situation...I just hope its not too perfect.

Since we've started the adoption process I've been praying for our birthmother. Praying for her to make the right decisions for her health and her babies health, and for strength, and for her to have acceptance for what God wants her to do. I know God is hearing my prayers...now the question is-is this the birthmom I've been praying for???

Goodbye 2008...Hello 2009!

2009-01-01T14:39:00.003-06:00

Now that 2008 is gone....I can honestly say that it was probably the worst year of my life. Every year I start the new year with such high hopes that it will be a great year of many happy exciting things...but in 2008 I can honestly say-nothing great wonderful and exciting sticks out in my mind...except for one thing last week-and we will touch more on that in a later post. Obviously there were good things that happened-and I'm not saying nothing good happened-but for the most part it wasn't a good year.

But with that said we have decided that 2009 is going to be a great year. We are buying a house in the next few months....and starting the adoption process in the spring-and maybe, hopefully adopting our first child. It has to be a good year with all of those things happening! DOESN'T IT?!?!?! Yes it does! I'm not allowing myself to think that 2009 could be as bad as 2008. Since I'm putting 2008 to rest....I will say it was terrible, awful, and stressful, and nothing could have made it worse...so 2009 is sure to be a GREAT YEAR!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Merry Christmas!!!

2008-12-25T23:35:00.003-06:00

OK....so first off....MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!! Christmas is truly my most favorite time of year. I love it! However, I will say that this year it has seemed as though Christmas has come and gone and it doesn't seem like I really knew it was here. But it is...and I do really enjoy the Holiday Season. This year however, there has been a damper on the typical Holiday feelings....We are going to a funeral tomorrow for Mike's aunt. She passed away on Monday-and the funeral is tomorrow. With his dad passing away 6 years ago at the same age....it's been a rough week for him. But-he's done his best to put on a happy face for me-although I know he's very very sad on the inside. He was very excited to give me my present this morning.....and after I opened it-I was very glad to have received it. My beautiful diamond necklace-totally made me cry like a baby. It is SO BEAUTIFUL! So while I remember that this holiday season is not about the presents-but more about the love.....I remember over and over again-how much I truly love my husband. He is the most amazing man I know.

Greetings from the Arctic....and other ramblings...

2008-12-16T14:21:00.003-06:00

At least thats where it feels like I am...BRRRRR!!!! We got the worst storm in 10 years over the weekend. Complete with 9 inches of snow-40 mile an hour winds and temperatures creeping to -50 with the windchill...BRR!!!! IT IS FREEZING!!! But with that I will say this....

This weekend gave me a perfect opportunity to do some cleaning, baking, wrapping of Christmas presents and spending some time with my husband. It was a good weekend-minus the weather-but everyone loves a good snow storm once in awhile. :)

There really aren't to many exciting things going on in the life of Erin right now. And for a change-I'm TOTALLY OK WITH THAT. I think thats what this "Break" is really about for Mike and I. MANY MANY MANY people have asked us why we don't just "jump right in" to adoption. Yea-if it were really that easy! I'll just start right up....no worries right.??? There isn't any emotional baggage that comes along with it. There isn't the fear of the failed matches that we will more than likely experience, there isn't the fear of how we are going to pay for all of this, I don't have the thoughts of...what if we're lucky and blessed and placed right away-and don't hae anything ready for the baby...and then with the same breath I say to myself what if we are waiting for a year or longer for our little one. YES-with all of those things running through my head-I will just jump right into adoption.

Here is the thing...adoption isn't an easy journey. Now to many people-they would think well duh. Of course its not easy. But to others..they will give you this dumbfounded look like-what? You mean it's not like filling out a few pieces of paper like when you adopt a puppy from the humane society? Seriously! I wish I could scream at the top of my lungs that adoption is a LONG HARD JOURNEY. One that will not come easy to us. But we are willing to walk into this journey hand in hand and God by our sides and no that our baby will be waiting for us at the end of it. So many people say-you can't have a kid-so what..just adopt. Well if it were that easy-why don't you "just adopt." Cause really...everyone would do it if it were that easy. Truth be told adoption is just as much of a rollercoaster as IF is. There will be the ups the down, the "endless 2WW" and the joyous day of find out you have been matched. But until then...please don't tell me to "just adopt."

So yes-this break period before has been really good for us. It's the calm before the storm so to speak. Beacause we know once this all starts....its going to be one heck of a ride! One that will be long, sometimes painful, sometimes frustrating, angering, saddening, and scary. But we know this-and we know that in God's time our little baby will be handed to us in a little pink or blue blanket...and we will love that baby because that baby is ours.

On Days Like Today...

2008-12-08T15:48:00.002-06:00

When everyone around me seems to be on a mission of annoying me....there is only one thing that will make me feel better....

Baby Shopping.... :)

Must go....TONIGHT! :)

There is one coworker-seems to be a Pompass A**. I don't get frustrated really easily with coworkers-cause really I do love my job. I'm very lucky to be able to say that-but this guy speaks and I would rather listen to nails on a chalk board. Then my to-do list keeps getting longer....and really I"m just a bit overwhelmed...not to mention when you have pneumonia and you are antibiotics and predisone....I'm just asking for it. Predisone is a killer! It's awful!!! I HATE IT!!!!

Ok...rant over...off to look at baby stuff online....then maybe I'll go buy a little something tonight when I go Christmas shopping.

Thinking about it already makes me feel better....Ahhhh.....

Strength from Above

2008-12-02T11:28:00.004-06:00

Days like today-are days that I relish. It's days like today where I look at my future and am so excited about all the things are going to happen. It's days like today where I look at myself and say how blessed I am, and how lucky I am to be where I am in life. It's days like today when I get up in the morning and look at my husband and fall in love with him all over again...and know that I love him more than I did the night before.

How do I get days like today when its seems as though my life has been filled with sadness, anger, frustration, hurt, and cold, harsh comments-things that can totally break a girl down? There is one way and one way only-and that is by knowing that the strength to have these days and to realize that I'm having one of these days is coming from Above. I know in my heart of hearts and I can feel it in my soul that God has given me the strength to get out of bed every morning for the last 4 and half months and say that there are BIG things in my future...and there is a baby out there for me-somewhere.

I feel as though today-is a new day..and the start to a whole new part of my life. I look at our infertility and know that it is something that we HAD to go through. Why...I think it was
for 4 main reasons.

1. To realize that power and will of God, is stronger than anything I could ever have imagined.
2. To realize that God knows what is best for us
3. To know just how much I love my husband and how I truly know now that our marriage can get through ANYTHING
4. That my faith is stronger than I ever imagined it to be.

Of course I could add to that list...but when I think about the things that I have realized since July 20th 2008 when we first got our diagnosis, those 4 things stand out in my mind. I know we will have days that are hard, and that hearing the pregnancy announcements, and seeing all of the babies around us-will be hard at times, and I know that God is allowing me to have those days for a reason. I truly believe that when I hold our baby for the first time-the joy I will have...will make all of that pain seem so minimal. And I will look back on this journey and say-it was worth it-every step, every penny, every tear, every prayer...made it all so worth it.

And I know that there is only one way that I could truly feel this way today...and this is by the strength that I'm receiving from Above. God has truly blessed me in my life...and I know the blessings will continue to fall from Above..becasue there truly is no other place they could come from.

What NOT TO SAY....

2008-12-01T14:29:00.003-06:00

To a woman who just found out that she will never be able to have a baby....

"Well pregnancy has a lot of con's....so really-you're not missing out on anything."

Um...coming from someone who has had a baby....I really don't think you can honestly say that I'm not missing out on anything. Seriously! Who says that kind of thing.

Luckily-it was said on a good day....and I just kind of blew it off-but WHO SAYS THAT?!!?!!

A Good Day! :)

2008-11-28T22:41:00.002-06:00

Surprisingly-even after the news we got on Tuesday...we really have had a good few days. Yesterday we went to Mike's aunt and uncles for Thankgiving. It was a good time....we came back and played a few games...and just enjoyed sometime with each other. We talked a lot...and really listened to what each other was saying. (Not that we don't any other time....but last night we both knew that there was a lot to talk about, and a lot of emotions going through our hearts...so we both really listened.)

Today we spent together....taking the dogs to the park for a few hours, doing a bit of shopping, running some errands....and doing what every other couple does in a situation like ours.....Went shopping for baby stuff! :) Seriously! It was soooo fun! We went to a few places...looked at cribs, strollers, car seats, diapers, formula...it was fun-and it made things seem real...like wow-we are actually adopting...and we are actually going to have a BABY!! I didn't know how I would feel once we got there-but we really did have a good time. Mike even picked out a toy-that he felt was a MUST have for the baby....a pair of plastic keys. :) Then I picked out something....a cover for a car seat....for the spring and summer months-to prevent bugs from biting or stinging the baby. (I know...nothing very fun...but hey-it was clearanced...and I'm practical. :)) Then we walked around for a bit longer....and just looked at all of the fun stuff that we get to buy. A bit overwhelming....but fun. :)

So yes...it was a good few days. We had a lot of fun...a lot of good quality time we were able to spend together-which was really nice. It seems like it had been forever since we were able to do that. Some people would say that what we did today-wasn't the smartest thing for us to do....but for us it felt right. We've known for a long time that we more than likely were never going to have a biological child of our own...but of course we were still hanging on to that hope...that maybe-maybe there would be a miracle. But obviously God has different plans for us. So we are accepting that...and just trying to move on...we know that days might not always be this good...but today was a good day-and I'm going to enjoy today and worry about tomorrow when it gets here.

The Results We've Been Waiting For....

2008-11-25T20:57:00.003-06:00

Just NOT THE ONES WE WANTED....

The urologist called today. MUCH earlier then we were expecting. But the results were not what we were hoping for. Mike has Azoospermia. It is definite. He is completely sterile.

I guess I don't really know what to feel. I'm worried about Mike. He's obviously devestated....we both are. But I think in a way-God has been preparing me for this. Giving me the strength to know the path that we need to go down. But it seems so surreal to me to know that I will never be pregnant...and carry a child and give birth. How does one wrap there mind around that? I can't! But I think in a way thats a good thing. Because in a way-I don't know what I'm missing-because I've never been pregnant. But of course I've always longed to be-what woman doesn't? (well none that I know.) So I guess in the grand scheme of things...I'm doing OK....Not great....but OK.

We'll get through this.....we know we will. But it's still hard...it will be for a long time. But now the path we must go down is clear. We'll just take it a step at a time....and we'll get to our baby.

Food for Thought.....

2008-11-25T09:25:00.003-06:00

I'm so in love with my husband. While I would NEVER wish our situation on ANYONE-even my worst enemy, I know that I would never be able to go through something like this without him.

He feels terrible though that I more than likely will never be able to experience pregnancy "because of him." While I have NEVER thought it was his fault-or placed blame on him-he still feels responsible. Much in the same way I did when I got the dx of endo, and was told it would be difficult to conceive. Now multiply that times a million-when you are told that you more than likely CAN'T conceive...and thats how he feels. I feel the same pain he does-but I know he in a sense feels worse-becasue he feels responsible. Last night when we were lying in bed he rolls next to me and says he sorry that we didn't get better answers after his surgery. Of course I told him there was nothing to be sorry for-and that these were the cards we were dealt. But again-he feels responsible.

While I don't claim to be prophetic at all...these are the words that came out of my mouth....and I think he maybe was able to look at things from a different angle.

"Millions of people get to experience pregnancy...every day. Women get the amazing feeling of having a child inside of them and growing. Men get to watch there wives glow with excitement with every move the baby makes. But there are very few people that get to experience the miracle and joys of adoption. We have been chosen to receive this beautiful miracle. We have been chosen because we are special."

Again, I am not a prophetic person.....but for anyone who is struggling with IF.....and the ups and downs of adoption....I look back on those words-and think....yes....we are very special indeed.

Surgery Day...

2008-11-21T17:40:00.001-06:00

I sent this to my friend Rachel...and it summarized it all pretty well...so I'm just C&P here....
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WOW! What a LONG day!! Mike's surgery was supposed to start at 8:30....but got pushed back to 9:30 for some reason-I'm guessing they got behind with one surgery-and a domino effect. He told us that it would take anywhere from an hour and half to 3 hours...at 3 1/2 hours-I was getting REALLY nervous. He finally came out to talk to me!

This is what we know. His tubes are clear. Which is a GOOD thing. That means that if he is producing sperm-there isn't a blockage and that will prevent them from getting through. HOWEVER, that does mean-that if he is producing them, there is a blockage in the testicle itself....which is just as serious of a problem as if there was a blockage in the tubes. However, that isn't a for sure thing. The only way they will know that is when all of the pathology reports come back-which could take anywhere from a week to 2 weeks. The main report he ran-was just to test the biopsy that he took to see if there were any sperm present. If not, then we know that is just the way he was born...and we move on. However, if there are-then we go back to the dilemma-on whether or not the blockage in the testicle itself is fixable. The dr. said it's a tough call-and just as invasive of a surgery as the orginal BIG one of the tubes that we had originally thought we would need. But before he talks about all of that he wants to get all of the test results back.

So once again we are left wondering and questions unanswered...but at least in the next few weeks we should have some kind of an idea as to what is going on.

Ugh...what is THE WORST thing that can happen when traveling....

2008-11-19T11:21:00.002-06:00

FOOD POISONING! Wait...how about altitude sickness and FOOD POISONING! Ugh....Shoot me now!
I had to cancel one of my meetings this morning-which I felt terrible about doing...but there was just no way.

I'm feeling slightly better-keeping water in me YAY so I'm hoping with a nap and some gatorade I feel better in time for my 4:30 meeting.

I HOPE!!!

Work...Surgeries....and oh yea...Work

2008-11-18T22:58:00.002-06:00

Work has kept me SOOO busy lately! I'm in Denver now-until Thursday.....luckily-the weather has been GORGEOUS-at almost 80 degrees and Sunny. I was told not to get used to it or expect it next year when I come back-because this is very out of the norm. So far-Denver is good...I've never been here before-I'm hoping on Thursday I'll be able to go do some sightseeing. I haven't done much of that yet-so I'm excited to finish all of my work stuff tomorrow night-and spend all day Thursday-just seeing what this city is all about.

Friday early morning....is Mike's surgery. Ugh....it seems like it's taken FOREVER to get to this point. But Friday we will have answers. Our insurance company never agreed to pay for the full surgery. So we are just doing the first part of it. The biopsy and the "vasogram." Basically that means-checking the tubes to see where the blockage is-and if it is worth fixing. (basically is the risk of doing the surgery-greater than the benefit-since we know that even if it is fixed, our chances are around 25% or less of ever conceiving.) So-at least on Friday we will know. And we will know if we will want to go ahead with the BIG surgery in a few years-after we could save up.

I feel so out of the loop these days-like my life is just SO BUSY that I don't even have time to breathe. But I do have to say-that I really enjoy my job....it's just that sometimes....I'm soooo busy and that can take a toll on me. But like I said-I really love my job....so it is worth it. And these busy times are only a few times a year...so it's really not so bad. :)

Why is it?...?...?

2008-11-05T09:57:00.003-06:00

That when you don't feel good-and you know you look like crap because you feel like crap that people insist on telling you look like crap. I love my husband-but sometimes...he just doesn't know what to say...so he says whatever he's thinking.

I'm home sick from work-migraine, fever, stuffy nose, cough, the whole shebang...and what does Mike say to me this morning...oh..you look terrible!

Gee thanks honey! I love him so very much-but sometimes....I wonder about him! :)

Today....should be a HAPPY day...

2008-11-02T16:43:00.002-06:00

Afterall-it is my birthday...but I find myself so sad today.

I miss my family so much! We spend all last weekend with them-and it was amazing. My parents came up last night to drop off there dog.....so we could dog sit/nurse her back to health. (She got hurt last weekend when we were there....and they decided to have her have surgery here vs. there regular vet-cause the surgery was $2000 cheaper...go figure!!).

But saying goodbye to them was really hard this morning. I didn't cry in front of them....but once I came inside and they drove away I cried. Now tonight-Mike went to the store and bought all the supplies to make a beautiful supper for me...to try and make things better. And I know he'll do a great job....I just miss my family so much....

We're back...rested....relaxed....oh wait...nevermind

2008-10-29T11:30:00.002-05:00

Ok...well first of all I should say this-I feel so out of touch with blogland lately :) I mean-my life has been insane the past few weeks with work, traveling, my computer crashing 4 times and getting over 15 viruses and countless spyware files...my phone dying...I feel so out of touch with the world. But regardless....I'm back now-and hoping to be blooging more lately :)

Well we had a great weekend with my family. It was so nice to see them. We had a very nice talk with my aunt and uncle who adopted there youngest from South Korea about 20 years ago. It was SO NICE to talk to people who have been through it. Who know how it feels and who can relate to the ups and downs of adoption. I was a bit nervous as this was the first time I had seen my family since we found out about our IF issues. But, it was a really good weekend. Everyone was more supportive of our decisions than I was originally expecting. And now I feel bad about thinking they would think otherwise. I Love my family!! It was so hard to leave on Sunday. My neices made me cry. When we told them we had to leave, my oldest one looked at us and said she didn't want us to leave cause she didn't get to spend enough time with us. It broke my heart. (The night before she told us she wanted a cousin. I told her maybe next year...and she said-that was ok-she could make it work. :) She's only 4!!!)

Then the ball dropped when we got back....at least thats kind of how it felt. Turns out the insurance company was much quicker than we were expecting in processing our appeal. We had a letter waiting for us. Turns out they will cover Mike's surgery...but only up to $20,000. To bad it's going to cost between $30,000 and $40,000!!! I called them on Monday because I had a few questions about the letter and she said that $20,000 will go towards the lifetime maximum IF credit. So if there are any other appts in the future that are related to IF they won't be covered. Then she proceeds to tell me that if there are any complications, and if he ends up back in the hospital for an infection, or anything related to the surgery it wont' be covered because the surgery is elective. So at $2500 a day (minimum) for a hospital stay...we said we just couldn't do it. We can't afford that type of procedure when it might not work-and we are risking a lot of money on something that isn't gauranteed. However, we are going to go along with a biopsy. The biopsy will tell us 2 things. 1-that either he was born with or without sperm, and 2 if there are sperm present in the biopsy, then we know that there was definitely a mistake made during the surgery when he was 2. A biopsy is much less invasive and usually can be done under a local anesthetic vs. general.

So that's where we are at....it's all so weird to me. I asked Mike the other night-what ever happened to just having sex to get pregnant? He asked if that actually works? :)

We are really excited to be moving on to adoption. I mean-that is one thing that we feel we have some control over in our lives right now. In a lot of ways we have no control over it-but in some we do-and in the end-we know that we will have a baby-one way or another we will have a baby. And that is exciting.

I know God has given me the strength the last few months. I know I couldn't get through this without him. And for that-I'm eternally greatful for my faith. It is such a blessing to know that he has a hand in this. It might not be our plans, but they are his...and I know his plans are better than anything I could ever imagine. He has the perfect baby in store for us. It's just a matter of when we get to meet him or her.

Leaving Town...

2008-10-23T08:25:00.002-05:00

For a long weekend. We are really excited...but I'm nervous to. We haven't seen any of our families (they live about 350 miles away) since our dx with IF. That may seem crazy since we are so close with our families...esp me with mine...but it just hasn't fit into our schedules...and when my mom asked if we wanted her to come up once we found out-I told her no...there wasn't much she could do...and we knew it was important for Mike and I to have time together.

We don't want our IF to be the center of conversation-but we know they will only ask questions because they care. We are trying to not think about it much over the weekend....but we know it will obviously come up a lot. But regardless-I'm excited to get home and see my parents, siblings and nieces. Sometimes-your mom and dad know just what to say-and sometimes just getting a hug from them makes things a bit better. And I know seeing my nieces will be therapeutic in a way. Something about how sincere little kids can be-just melts my heart. We will get good quality bonding time with them tomorrow. We are really excited about it.

So we're off for a long road trip with 2 dogs in the back seat...and a great weekend with the family. YAY FOR VACATIONS. (Even if they are small ones.) :)

What a Week...and Weekend...

2008-10-20T11:37:00.002-05:00

Well last week wasn't a good week....thats an understatment I guess. I think for us-this had to be the toughest week since we found out about our IF.

We found out that Mike's insurance won't pay for his surgery. Why? Well-there is a clause in the insurance that says they won't cover any type of sterilzation reversals. Even though the original sterilization wasn't an elected procedure-they still won't cover it. So-yes we are appealing it-but the appeal could take up to 2 weeks....so we basically sit, wait, and hope. The woman at the insurance company didn't sound hopeful...only because she says that they can be strict when it comes to infertility coverage...but there is always a chance...so we are hoping that we here good news.

On a much BRIGHTER AND HAPPIER note...WE FOUND OUR AGENCY!!! :) We are really excited about it. We met with them on Saturday afternoon...and they are such nice people. The social worker of the agency met with us-and since her husband was in town with her, she asked if it was ok for him to come along to the meeting. I said of course! So the 2 of them met with us, and for me-it felt like we were talking to 2 friends of ours. It was such a relaxing conversation. They are a very young couple, she is the social worker for the agency, and they adopted a little girl about a year ago.

Of course the conversation was a bit overwhelming when she started talking about EVERYTHING that was involved, but for me-I feel so much better about having that HUGE thing out of the way! It's stressful to think about-esp. in the financial aspect of things...cause we are really trying hard to save money...but everyone knows that adoption is expensive. So now is the time to start researching grants....gotta find the money somewhere. :)

So yes...while last week was upsetting and depressing-the weekend was good. It's hard to really wrap my mind around the fact that all of that hope we had been given is gone. I mean, we knew that it was going to be a small chance of conceiving after the surgery, but we did have that hope. But now its gone. I feel much worse for Mike then I do for me. He was hanging on to that hope with every thread that he could find....and now it seems like its gone. But, I have to remember, that God has his plans for us. And I have to trust him that he knows what is best for us. And he knows there is a baby out there for us...somewhere-and that when we have that baby in our arms, we can look back and say-this was all worth it.

OH MY GOODNESS!! :)

2008-10-14T08:52:00.002-05:00

We are meeting with an agency on Saturday!! I'm so excited....and yet absolutely terrified!! :) I filled out a contact form on their website...and they called and emailed me yesterday asking if it would be possible to meet us on Saturday since one of their directors was going to be in our area. I was shocked! :) At first I didn' t know what to say....cause here we just wanted a packet of information....but after talking to Mike about it we decided we would meet her and talk with her. She said in her email that it may be easier to explain everything in a face to face meeting vs. us reading a bunch of paperwork, and emailing and calling back and forth. Since she is going to be in our area she said she would love to see us.

OH MY GOSH!!! This is so crazy!:) We are so excited.....and yet I'm really nervous! I mean-what if she doesn't like us? We really like everything we know about this agency so far....and a friend of mine adopted through this agency in May-and she had nothing but a good experience.
So here we go.... It's all happening! WOW!!

Hello Envy.....Please leave

2008-10-12T19:44:00.002-05:00

I'm crushed. I can't even lie. I'm looking at the pictures of my new niece and I'm having a really hard time being happy right now. I'm never going to have that. Never going to experience child birth, I'm never going to experience having a baby inside me, I'm never going to be able to call my family and tell them they are going to be granparents, aunts, uncles, cousins.....I'm never going to have that. Yesterday I was ok...but I hadn't seen pictures. Now-I saw the pictures of the hospital-and it broke my heart. Instead of feeling joy inside, my heart is breaking.

I'm so sad today....I'm envious-I can't even deny that. I never thought it was going to be this hard. I thought I would be ok when I found out the baby was born....but I'm dying inside. My heart is brekaing and I feel like I'm so incredibly alone....Mike is trying to be supportive, but he wants me to be happy for them-since it is there time....not ours. But it is so hard for me to be so happy when I'm so incredibly sad for us.

I feel like part of me has died....the part that always dreamed of becoming a mom-the "normal" way. I will never have that. NEVER. And I'm angry-I'm sad, I'm bitter....and I want to know what we did to deserve this?!!?!

The other part of me feels like people have forgotten about all we are going through. They talk about the baby and the birth like it doesn't effect me at all....like they have forgotten that we will never experience that. Or they feel like we are over it...and that we have moved on. No...we haven't moved on....we are still grieving, still mourning the realization of never having a biological child of our own....and we will be for a long time. But how do I explain that to people. We aren't the same people we were 6 months ago, or even the same people we were on July 19th....before we found out. We are still sad....just because we are smiling doesn't mean we aren't crying inside.

Ugh....Envy...please leave now....I really hate having you around...

I Am an Aunt Again....

2008-10-11T09:41:00.004-05:00

My sister had a beuatiful healthy baby girl last night. While I'm so happy for her...I'm so sad for us. (megan if you ever read this....please know that I'm so incredibly happy for you and ben, but I'm extremely sad for us.....)

I knew this day was coming-but I guess I had just been dealing with pregnancy, I hadn't really thought much of the day when the baby was born. I know when they got married, I told myself, I would be a mom before I was an aunt again. When I wasn't pregnant when she told me she was pregnant I was sad, but when we found out about our IF, the realization was true that I may not be a mommy before I am an aunt....cause it may be a very long time before I'm a mommy.

So today is a day where I look back and reflect on everything we've gone through. I have a new addition to our family and that is very exciting! But it makes me really wonder....when is it truly our turn.

I hate feeling anything but pure joy in a situation like this. So this is a day when I need to ask God for strength, for wisdom, and guidance. Because I obviously need it....

We are REALLY doing this!!!! :)

2008-10-09T14:12:00.002-05:00

We are REALLY adopting! That seems so crazy! I mean-I've known we are...but today it all seemed so much more real to me! Why? Well we've been looking for different agencies...and today-I've actually started calling them and requesting information-so Mike and I can look further into ones that we have a "good" feeling about.

Honestly-when I picked up the phone to call the first one today-it was so weird....WE ARE ACTUALLY DOING THIS! We are actually going to adopt a baby! I'm going to be a mom!! I'm crying here at my desk..I'm just so happy!! This could be the last Christmas without a baby! This is all just so surreal to me....yet-we are so beyond excited!!!

I'm still alive...In case you were wondering :)

2008-10-07T11:25:00.002-05:00

I'm still here...very much alive-and very much exhausted.

The last week had to be the busiest week of my life for work. Homecoming was this past week and we had so many alumni back it was insane. Not to mention all of our regular events we had planned, the socials, the trustees....so many people!! But its all done-and one more major event tonight-and I can breathe a HUGE sigh of relief. Poor Mike-he feels like he hasn't seen me in forever-and I feel the same way with him. Now he leaves town tomorrow morning-won't get back until Thursday night...and then he leaves again on Saturday...and then next week I start traveling. UGH! Such is life I guess.

Nothing else is super exicitingly new...oh yea...my computer completely crashed this morning-so for the time being I'm working in a computer lab on campus while they try and retrieve my hard drive....here's to hoping and praying they can....

WIll it EVER be our turn???

2008-09-28T20:59:00.003-05:00

Seriously?!?! EVER?!?!?! I'm usually a patient person...one who knows that God has his plans, and that his plans trump anything I had in mind...but right now I'm feeling very impatient. Random comments from the weekend don't help anything either though.

Last night Mike and I went to meet up with a friend of mine.....we haven't seen her and her husband for about 8 months...and she recently emailed me telling me she was PG. She had no idea about our IF....and I didn't want to rain on her parade and tell her last night-so we agreed we wouldn't-unless we really felt that the time was right....well....it didn't go as planned....

We saw an old co-worker of ours at the same place...and as "T" is talking about how she is a little over 10 weeks pg....the old coworker looks at me and says....Erin...you have to be ready to pop a baby out pretty soon-when are you gonna get knocked up? Um-really?! Did you honestly just say that? So I politely look at her and tell her that we are planning on adopting. And that we are starting the process in the spring. She then asks--WHY? Feeling a bit violated I look at her and just said this is the path God has taken us on. "T" in the meantime is looking at me shocked and wondering why I hadn't told her. My old coworker continues to pry and she asked why we are adopting. It's not like we are ashamed of our situation-but its a private situation-not something I just share with everyone I know IRL. (Keep in mind by this time-Mike "went to the bathroom.") So-I open up a bit-and just say that Mike and I found out we more than likely can't have kids. So we are choosing to adopt. Old coworker proceeds to say...."well is this one of those situations where they tell you-you can't have kids-and you end up pregnant anyways?" I was shocked. I say: "well if that happens-great....but we aren't going to count on that happening." She says-well what kind of situation can be that bad where you can't have kids ever....I look at her and say having no sperm along with severe endometriosis is a sure fire way not get pregnant. Thanks for asking. She says-oh...well can't Mike have surgery to fix it....I said he is-but even with surgery-our odds are stacked against us about a mile high. So we aren't counting on it. She says oh...and walks away.

I was dumbfounded and so upset after that. I haven't been that upset in a long time-but seriously....who says comments like that-so cold, insensitve, and harsh. I was crushed when I went home.....absolutely crushed and it felt like salt was poured into the wounds all over again.

Days Like Today

2008-09-24T12:55:00.002-05:00

I've realized that if I don't allow myself to have sad/bad days then I'm just penting up all of those emotions inside of me.

Today is a day where I'm just sad....angry, frustrated, confused, lonely, and just plain pissed. I allow myself these feelings, but while I'm feeling them I'm praying for God to take them away. I don't like feeling this way, but I know God has done wonders with me since I'm no longer feeling the intensity I was a mere 65 days ago when our lives turned upside down, and my heart was ripped apart and stomped on and then ran over by a freight train....at least thats how I invisioned it. It's a day when I look back on our wedding day and remember how happy and excited we were to be husband and wife and how excited we were to start a family together. Now that all seems so far away....

Part of today is the realization that a few friends of ours are due in the next few months as is my younger sister. I remember when she got married that I told myself that I will be a mom before I'm an aunt again. I was wrong.....VERY WRONG. While I love being an aunt to my 3 beautiful nieces, and the one on the way, I long for the feeling of love for my baby. I know in my heart that I love my baby where ever he or she is. I love them already...how that is possible-to me is a true act of God, but I long for holding him or her, rocking them to sleep, and watching Mike hold them, play with, cry with them, and be the best dad in the world.

There are days when I feel like its never going to happen, but then I step back and think it will and that I'm being allowed to feel like this so I know how much I will truly love my baby when they do come into our lives.

If there was one positive thing that I can say has come out of this situation it is that God has truly done amazing things to our (Mike and my) relationship. I have never felt more in love with him then I do these days. I sit and think about how much I love him and get excited when I realize that I get to see him in just a few short hours. I look at him when we are together and think how lucky I am to have someone who loves me as much and as unconditionally as he does. I know in my heart that I have always felt that way, but I truly believe that God has done things to our relationship over the past 2 months that are so amazing. We are closer now then ever before, and I know that in situations like this-its not always the case. I know I'm blessed when it comes to Mike...and I know God has allowed me to have these feelings to remember things like this...

Yummmmmm..........Sugar Free Mocha

2008-09-23T10:05:00.002-05:00

I forgot my coffee this morning at home...so I went to our coffee shop here at work. And I now have a new favorite coffee....Sugar Free Chocolate Carmel Mocha. Oh MY....SOOOO GOOD!!

I was thinking it was going to be a bad day with no coffee...but now I'm set-and its SO GOOD! :)

Just had to share! If anyone is looking for a good coffee beverage.....try it out-you are not going to be disappointed. :)

Why Us????

2008-09-22T08:27:00.002-05:00

I saw this on Pep's blog this morning....she saw it from someone else's and now I found out it :) First-who ever wrote this....WOW!! I would love to give you a hug and say-YES!!! EXACTLY!!! Secondly...Thankyou for putting the words down so we can all read them-and share them with those around us....

***************************************************

"Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "Adopt and you'll get pregnant." Of the most painful from those who think they've got the goods on God's plan, "Maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never fails to amaze me.

"These same people would never walk up to someone seeking treatment for cancer and say, "Maybe God never meant for you to live." However, because I am infertile, I'm supposed to get on with my life. It's hard to understand that people can not see infertility for what it is, a disease for which I have to seek treatment.

What if Jonas Salk had said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of our children to be cripples, live in an iron lung or die." What if he'd never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that that was God's plan?What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and me to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper.

I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less traveled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let Him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when He handed me infertility. I already know."

NAUGHTY NAUGHTY PUPPY!!!

2008-09-18T16:53:00.006-05:00

Sig, my sweet little rescue puppy...he's such a naughty naughty puppy sometimes....

Not only can he shred an entire box of kleenex in a matter of seconds, he can empty a small garbage can and spread it all over the entire room in a very short period of time, practically open the refrigerator if it is completely closed, if not completely closed he can wedge his nose in to keep it open to find whatever he can to eat...carrots are his favorite...AND HE CAN JUMP ON A BED AN PEE ON IT-WITH NO ONE KNOWING ABOUT IT!! (That was a nice gift he left us yesterday-and I was so happy to find it at 10:30 at night....ALL OVER MY NEW SHEETS AND DOWN COMFORTER!!) And...he can wait until we are sound asleep to jump on the bed....so he can sleep in "comfort." Since the pillow on the floorwith the blanket that he drags all over the place aren't enough.

I was so ready to send him back to where ever it is that he came from last night...then he looked at me-gave me that little head tilt with the big brown eyes and came and licked my face.

Yet-I love him anyways....but sometimes I really wonder how?!?!?!?

Reason 1,243,569 Why I LOVE my Nieces

2008-09-18T16:53:00.005-05:00

My nieces are the cutest little girls ever. I'm not biased at all!!! :) They are seriously so adorable! I don't get to see them nearly as often as I want to as they are about 350 miles away with the rest of my family.

My sister who is a hair stylist told me this story awhile back-and I just saw pictures today-so I had to "write" it down so I don't ever forget it.

My younger sister Katie (the stylist) was talking to one of my other sisters about Locks of Love and how she had someone come into the salon and cut of 12 inches for locks of love. My niece the 4 year old wanted to know what locks of love was. My sister explained to her that it was when people cut there hair to give it to other people and kids who don't have hair because they are sick. So my niece (who has been PETRIFIED to cut her hair because she thinks it will hurt) asks why people lose there hair when they are sick. So Katie tries to explain to a 4 year old without scaring the crap out of her that sometimes big people and little people get very sick and they need medicine and some medicine they get makes there hair fall out. This is her response:

"Well thats so sad...Auntie Kiki (what they call her) cut my hair. I want all little girls to have pretty hair. They can just have mine. Mine will grow back." My heart melted.

Then my 3 year old niece who does everything her 4 year old sister does-was inquisitive as well-so Katie explained to her as well how kids sick and sometimes their hair falls out... etc etc. My 3 year old niece says..."Ok-you can cut mine to-I don't mind. My hair will grow back."

HOW AMAZING IS THAT!!! I know grown adults who can't do that but 3 and 4 year old nieces will cut there hair to give it to complete strangers who are sick!!! Ugh...I'm tearing up all over again thinking about it!! So both of them did it!! I guess when they are kids Locks of Love doesn't need as much hair.....but my nieces hair grows so fast-so they each took about 10 inches off....and off it was sent-for a beautiful little girl to have. Because as my nieces said-"Mine will grow back."

Our Decisions are OUR DECISIONS

2008-09-16T08:31:00.002-05:00

I was reading another blog this morning and it weighed on my heart because what she is feeling is very similar to what Mike and I are going through. So I feel compelled to write about it.

When Mike and I found out in July that his SA contained no sperm we were devestated. Cried a lot, and then cried some more. Mike immidietly made an appt. with his urologist and we went through all of the tests that he had to go through. When the dr. suggested surgery to see if there were any sperm present through a biopsy, and if so, to repair the damage that was done, at first we jumped on the wagon with high hopes that it would work. Then when we found out the chances of it working were extremely low-we stepped back and re-evaluated everything. We are still going ahead with the surgery-but still going to pursue adoption. We know that our chances are low so we don't want to sit back and do nothing....but we know that if we don't do it-we will always wonder what if....

One of the hardest parts for me and him has been explaining to certain people in our lives what our plans are. We feel compelled to tell them because obviously we want support, but when the responses are unsupportive or rude, we wonder why we even said anything at all. People don't understand that we may still change our minds and not do the surgery (unlikely-but that's why we are waiting until November, to give us plenty of time to think about it.) They don't understand that the chances of this working are VERY LOW and that we more than likely will never have a biological child of our own....AND WE ARE COPING WITH THAT! We don't understand why people act as if our adopted baby will not be as much of our own child as a biological baby will be. We don't understand why people can't just understand that our decisions are OUR DECISIONS and that regardless of what you say, or the horror stories you FEEL INSISTENT on telling us regarding adoption, we still are going to pursue it. We don't understand why you must tell us to go through more treatment to pursue our own biological child before going forward with adoption. For Mike and I, its not just about being pregnant, its about becoming parents. We know in our hearts that adoption is a path we must take. We know there is a beautiful child out there that will be ready and waiting for us when the time is right. But please, do not tell me to pursue all of the IF treatments in the world so we can have a biological baby. Those treatments are not for us....we have agreed to do the surgery and let God work and do what he wants to do. He has his plans-and we have accepted that.

Our decisions are Our decisions. You may not agree with them, you may not understand them, you don't have to. All we ask is for your support and encouragement along the way. We know that its going to be a very LONG road. A road that is going to be painful at times but overwhelmingly joyous at others. Regardless of the time, we need our family and friends to support us. Please don't question every decision we make. After all-they are OUR DECISIONS.

I LOVE MY TRAFFIC FEED! :)

2008-09-14T17:19:00.004-05:00

Ok...I know that I'm not reading everyone's blog that is reading mine.....

So post here...I'd love to know who you are!! There are a few in my neck of the woods who I'm interested to find out exactly who you are. So if you would like an extra reader...post here and let me know! :)

Our Plan

2008-09-12T19:44:00.002-05:00

Or lack there of....or kind of plan...or whatever-I guess it's "kind of" a plan...

Mike and I have talked a lot -about all of the different options. We are in such a tough spot and we really don't know what to do. But regardless-this is where we are at....

Mike is unsure about having the surgery-for a few reasons-but this being the main point-it more than likely isn't going to work. We will be taking a pretty big chance and just kind of HOPING that it will work. For the simple fact that the dr. gave us significantly less than a 50% chance of conceiving has just made us really wonder if this is just the way its is supposed to be. (I've gotten a lot of crap for saying that-so please remember-this is my blog-and I'm entitled to feel the way I do...hence why I'm writing it.) And even if it does allow for the sperm to make it through...we have no idea what the motility, morph or count will even be. More than likely at least 1 if not all 3 will be effected.

Here's the next dilemma....the emotional strain/rollercoaster that this will cause. We were told 2 months ago that we couldn't have kids. So we've been dealing with that-but really started to get excited about adoption. Yes we are still dealing with the anger, frustration, and sadness of infertility, but adoption was really becoming exciting to us. We had begun researching agencies, and grants, etc. And it was something that we were excited about-not to mention HAPPY about! Now with this-it's like it gives us some hope again...hope that we had taken away...hope that we rely on-and then live month to month again wondering if this is the month that we get pregnant. Neither one of us really knows if we want to basically feel like we are starting TTC all over again! It's such a rollercoaster when you know from the get go that the odds are against us.

But that brings me back to "the plan." Mike will more than likely go ahead with the surgery-at least as of now. The scheduler actually called us today and it may not be as long of a wait as we thought..but its still gonna be a little while. She said we could do it at the end of the month....but Mike needs more notice for work since he'll be out for about a week. So we're thinking October or November. But that's gives us time to think about it-and if we change our mind-we change our mind....BUT-in the meantime-we are going ahead with adoption. We will continue researching agencies and requesting info...etc. This way-since we're looking at probably at least the end of the year before we would know the surgery worked (via SA) we don't just sit back and waste the time. Neither Mike nor I are ones who can just sit back and do nothing nor do we want to have faith in false hope. We want to feel productive and we want to feel like we are moving closer to becoming parents.

So that's the plan...

I'm Angry...

2008-09-11T11:30:00.003-05:00

I'm not even going to deny it. I'm angry. I'm SO ANGRY! Why us? Why!?!?! What did we do to deserve this? I'm so hurt and confused and frustrated! I want someone to give me one good reason why it is so hard for us to become parents. I feel like we are being punished for something! But yet-I don't know what!

Everyone that knows about our IF has told us that we'll be great parents one day! That's great-but how come people who can become great parents can't have a baby-but the meth addicted stripper, or the mom who drinks her entire pregnancy, just to have a baby that will grow up in a neglectful and/or abusive home can have one without any trouble! I just don't get it!!!

I WANT ANSWERS!! And if one more person tells me-Just adopt then you will get pregnant for sure! I will probably come completely unglued. I mean if by a miracle that happened-fine-we would be beyond thrilled-but honestly-that is NOT something you tell someone when they are going through such a rollercoaster of emotions!

Today is just a hard day-a very hard, very bad day.

Moving on to Surgery

2008-09-11T10:20:00.002-05:00

Mike's appt was this morning. Dr. has decided that he wants to do surgery. His 2nd SA came back the same as the first-none. Hormones were fine. So the dr. has decided that he wants to go ahead with surgery. He'll do a biopsy right away to find out if there are even any sperm present-if not-the surgery will end there. If there are-he will see what he can do to repair the damage that was done.

The dr. thinks that basically something was cut when his hernia was repaired during his surgery when he was 2. If he can fix it-there is less than a 50% chance that we will ever conceive. But even if he does "fix" it-its up to biology to see if things are going to work.

I can handle that I guess-it's this waiting game that I absolutely hate. The dr. was honest and said that his surgery schedule is quite full and it could be a few months before he is able to get him in. A FEW MONTHS!!! WE HAVE TO WAIT MONTHS!!! I almost fell over when Mike told me that!! Now-maybe it will be sooner-we'll find out the beginning of next week. His scheduling nurse wasn't in today-and he told him that she would call next week-but to plan on it being a few months out.

So here we sit-still not knowing where are lives are going to lead us. We were hoping for more definitive answers today. Thats what we were told at the last appt. Guess we'll stop believing that. I just want to move in one direction or another. Even if they do the surgery-and he "corrects" it....there is still less than a 50% chance. So we do take that chance...and TTC for another few years-or move on to adoption right away. UGH!! I HATE THIS!!! I hate IF, I hate the unknown. IT SUCKS!!!

7 Years Ago Today....

2008-09-11T08:22:00.002-05:00

I was told by my parents that 9/11 would be our equivelent to where were you when JFK was shot....both events that you will NEVER forget. So where was I? I was a sophomore in college. I got up for my 9:30 ethics class-and turned on the tv-to see the 1st tower on fire. Literally about 20 seconds later I watched as the 2nd plane hit. I thought I was watching a replay, when in reality I was watching the 2nd tower on fire. I remember thinking-oh my gosh, those poor people-and praying so hard that as many of them as possible would make it out alive. Not knowing the extent of what was going on in the world I went to class. Only to hear more and more that this was the start of war. We had been attacked by terrorists. I was angry, scared, and sad. My ethics professor brought in a tv and felt that it was an appropriate time to try and have us focus on learning about ethics when something that catastrophic had just happened. He said if we wanted to go back to our dorms we could-or we could watch the coverage there in class.
Most of us didn't move-we just sat glued to the tv. Not long after-the first tower fell. Tears streamed down my face. Those poor people. So many of them you knew couldn't have made it out alive. Then, a short while later-I went back to my room-and again was glued to the tv. I didn't move for hours. I called my mom-just to tell her I loved her, then I called my dad and did the same thing. I was so scared. I was 350 miles away from my parents-but felt as if I was a world a part. My mom was at work-and she hadn't seen any of the coverage yet. She was to scared to look at things on the internet for fear of what she would see.
My boyfriend at the time called me-him also being 350 miles away just called to see how I was doing. Knowing me-he knew I would be scared and upset. We talked for awhile...said our goodbyes....but I remember thinking that I wanted nothing more than to be at home with him and my parents.
I watched as the 2nd tower fell and I remember the news breaking in to tell us the pentagon had been hit and then the other plane that crashed in a field in Pennsylvania. Is this it? Is the world ending? What is going on!!! I was so scared! Classes were cancelled for the rest of the day. An email was sent out to the students saying that we needed to stay in our dorms and pray. I did. I don't know how many rosary's I said that day-but prayer was comforting.
In the days following I remember sitting at my desk in my dorm looking out the window to see fighter jets flying pretty low. I forget that this state has missle tanks. Great! What's next! They flew over head for months. I will never forget seeing the airforce emblem on the tails and thinking of my dad. He retired as a sargeant just a few short years before-and 1 week before 9/11 he received a letter in the mail asking if he would come out of retirement and work on base in to train. He had decided he would. He called the Lieutenant-couldn't get through-and never heard back. THANK GOD! I don't know what I would have done if my dad would have gone to war. He was activated for the first Gulf War-I couldn't comprhend him going again.
Now 7 years later I sit in my office...right across the hall from where I watched the tv of the towers falling. It's eary. 7 years have passed, but honestly-I remember the details of it all as if it were yesterday.

Tomorrow is it...

2008-09-10T16:39:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow we will find out FOR SURE which direction our life is going....It's going to go 1 of 2 ways....

Surgery to repair the damage
or
Adoption

It's scary to think that tomorrow is the day we've been waiting for-for 2 months! But honestly-I'm so ready to not live in limbo anymore! My heart is already with adoption...so I feel as though God has already taken me there. But I know Mike's heart is still holding on to the hope that maybe it can be fixed-whatever the problem is. We have our theories...but we'll find out tomorrow for sure.

So say some prayers....for peace, for acceptance, for strength. Cause tomorrow-I think I'm going to need all of it-but Mike more so than me.

I'll update after the appt. It's in the morning....so we should knowbefore noon.

"hail mary" Appt on Thursday

2008-09-09T17:13:00.002-05:00

It will probably be the last appt. with the urologist unless Mike's SA comes back differently (highly unlikely) or the dr. wants to run more tests. Since we were completely up front and said that IVF wasn't an option for us it limits what he can do. Since in reality, based on what we've read, the chances of anything being reversed are so slim, we are thinking this will be the last appt. Who knows, miracles do happen and maybe there was some HUGE lab error-oh wouldn't that be one for the books, but again, we aren't holding out hope. We are even contemplating going to an adoption seminar this weekend. So it seems as though the realization that I will never physically carry a child is becoming more and more realistic. It still hurts, actually its gut wrenchingly painful, but we are dealing, a day at a time we are dealing.

But until Thursday-we are still thinking...Maybe....Maybe one day there will be a baby....our own biological baby. After Thursday-we will more than likely think something else...but until then-I at least have hope-not much hope-but some hope.

Sick puppy....

2008-09-08T10:24:00.003-05:00

When we got Sig we knew he was a rescue-and that he came from an awful situation...brief history:
He was rescued from 4 teenagers who were in the process of stoning him to a point of unconsciousness, once he was unconscious they were going to hang him. When the woman who whitnessed this told them she wanted the dog-they said no-she insisted and asked what they wanted for it...they said Cigarettes...so she bought them a pack of cigarettes-and she took the dog. Hence his name--Sig. (Short for cigarette-we felt that since in his case cigarettes saved his life-they should be his name sake. :) ) THANK GOODNESS SHE FOUND HIM!! Cause we wouldn't have him now and we LOVE him dearly!

Regardless, when he was found-he was about 7-8 weeks old-and was very tiny..only about 7 pounds, very dehydrated, very weak, and needed food and a good bath. Who knows how long he had been out in the "wild" for. He had been abandoned-probably because he was the runt-at least we think. He was full of ticks and had a bad case of worms.

***Warning..weak stomachs do not read on***

Fast forward to now. Sig has turned into a happy and healthy puppy! He's fattened up (in a good way) and his a complete love! (that's what I call my pups-my little loves.) Well this weekend-I noticed something wasn't quite right with him...he was more tired than usual-and while he would eat-he wouldn't drink...and honestly-this dog would drink the well dry if I let him. Then Saturday he had a few vomitting episodes...that continued into the middle of the night when he started vomitting up worms. YES WORMS!! My poor puppy has a terrible case of worms. Luckily I was able to get him into the vet right away this morning to get him a dose of dewormer. Where one might ask did he get these worms-who knows!! We just had him at the vet 10 days ago to get neutered and the test she did then was negative-so somehow over the past 10 days he got them from somewhere. Hopefully the dewormer does the trick and I won't be cleaning up worms anymore. Ugh...to make matters worse I was sick all weekend-and with a weak stomach-seeing that did NOT help me at all!!

Here's to hoping that I have a worm free puppy in a few days!!

This is the picture of him a few weeks ago...how could anyone hurt this little guy!!!

And now-him and Daisy....Friends for Life!! :)

More Tests.....

2008-09-05T12:29:00.005-05:00

Well we made the 180 mile (round trip) travel for another SA and more tests. The urologist wanted Mike to have 1 more round of tests done just to make sure that we are actually dealing with the results that we first got. Which I guess I'm ok with...but the $$$ aspect of it kinda sucks. We got the insurance statement yesterday for the first round of bloodwork and SA and office visit and it was well over $400. He meets with him next week for the results-but we aren't expecting anything different-nor is the urologist. Since the urologist believes that the damage was done when he was so young (around 2) he really doesn't feel that he will be able to reverse anything or do anything for us. So we are starting to deal with that-and actually having that finalization in a sense or at least a feeling of finalization is making things a bit easier. Granted next week maybe we'll get some drasitically different news-but we really aren't expecting it.
On the way home today we started talking about baby names. It was kinda fun-we haven't really let ourselves do that for awhile. So agreed on a few....but of course they will change-cause they always do. :)

Realization..

2008-09-02T12:37:00.002-05:00

This will be yet another childless holiday season...

Ugh...I hate today...I wish I would have just stayed in bed...

Alone...

2008-09-02T10:28:00.003-05:00

I feel so alone these days. I don't mean alone in the fact that no one is with me-I feel emotionally alone. A little over a month ago when Mike and I got the devestating news about our inability to conceive a child on our own we were just that-devestated. We didn't tell a ton of people right away-but we did tell some within a week or so after. We told those that were closest to us...so mainly our family and a few of our VERY close friends.

Lately though it just seems like no one cares though. I mean-I don't expect the pity party-nor do I want it..but is it so hard for someone to ask-How are you guys doing? How are you holding up? Instead I hear about all the babies in there life-or in there tummy and how uncomfortable they are and how miserable the heat is on them. Then I hear about how awful it is they are due in the middle of winter and how they won't be able to leave the house. Or I hear about how there best friend or sister or neighbor-or who ever just had the most beautiful baby. Gee-thanks!! I needed to hear all of those things. Not that I want people to completely sensor there conversations around me-but when its a one on one conversation-how about steering away from the baby talk. How about not telling me how uncomfortable you feel when I would absolutlely give ANYTHING to feel the way you do!! I would love to feel uncomfortable if it meant being able to have a baby with my husband.

I feel like since its been about 6 weeks since we got the news people expect that we should be over it and have dealt with it-and just have just moved on. Ummm-no-not even close actually. We still cry at night when we think about not being parents "the old fashioned way." We still get sad and depressed when someone talks to us about there pregnancy, we still are upset when someone tells us they are pregnant while on the outside we are acting happy for them. IT SUCKS!! Someone actually told me-be thankful you don't have to go through the uncomfortableness of pregnancy. REALLY?? Be thankful!! How about you being thankful for that life growing inside you and being able to experience it. Cause really-I'd be a lot more thankful than you are acting right now.

Ugh...it's a day-a bad day-on the outside I appear fine-but on the inside I'm just being torn apart. My heart has been broken. And piece by piece I think one day it will get back together. But even after we adopt-I still think that we will long for the children we never had.

An Adoption Poem

2008-08-27T11:18:00.001-05:00

AN ADOPTION POEM
Once there were two women
Who hardly knew each other
One you do not remember
The other you call mother
Two different lives shaped to make yours one
One becoming your guiding star
The other became your sun
The first gave you life
And the second taught you to live in it
The first gave you a need for love
And the second was there to give it
One gave you nationality
The other gave you a name
One gave you the seed of talent
The other gave you an aim
One gave you emotions
The other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile
The other dried your tears
The age old questions through the years;
Heredity or environment - which are you the product of?
Neither my darling - neither
Just two different kinds of love!
Anonymous

It was harder than I thought....

2008-08-26T16:57:00.003-05:00

It was...I thought I could do it-and it wouldn't bother me at all...but I was wrong. I threw the shower on Sunday and I came home so sad. Mike could tell right away but he said he was proud of me for doing it. It was just so hard to see all of those women there-most are mom's already-and some are expecting...and me thinking-am I ever going to have this? I don't know! I don't know if I'll ever have a baby shower, if I'll ever be a mom-thats what I feel like today...like its never going to happen. In my heart-I love my baby so much already...but in my head I think...what baby!?!?! I don't have one-and I don't know if I ever willl.

I'ts just so hard these days. SOOOO HARD! It's gotten worse-I thought it was supposed to get better! I thought I would grieve and move on...now I'm grieving more than I thought I would and the thought of never having my own child is getting harder and harder to wrap my mind around. I just hate this feeling so much!

I ordered the book Hannah's Hope off of Half.com. I'm hoping it shows up today. I think it would do me some good to read a book on coping with IF rather than on adoption and the process and all that comes along with it...but I've never found a really good book. I had recommendations about this one-so here's to hoping.

There was one very good thing about yesterday...when I got home from the park with the pups there was a bouquet of flowers, a card and a yummy dessert that Megan ( I thres the shower for her on Sunday...and she knows about ALL of our IF issues)made for me and dropped off. It was the sweetest card and the most uplifting message I've heard in a long time. God truly blessed me with a friend like her!

Another Day...

2008-08-21T09:00:00.003-05:00

Well I'm throwing a Baby Shower on Sunday for a good friend of mine who had a baby girl about 3 weeks ago. I'm excited about it..everyone hanging out will be a lot of fun-but I think its going to be a tough one to swallow. Watching her open all of these great baby gifts and seeing a beatiful baby girl in front of me all day will be tough-but I'm so happy for Megan. She's such a great mom.

I look forward to the day when there will be a baby shower for Mike and I and our little one that we will be bringing home. We are talking more and more about adoption lately. Mike is becoming much more open about the situation. Which is good for him. Hearing him talk about it means that he is starting to accept things a littl more now. We do have another appointmen with the urologist on the 11th of september...but we both know what the outcome will be-at least in our hearts we feel we know. So we are just preparing ourselves for that..and if some miracle happens before then...then it will be a nice surprise ;)

I've been praying so much lately for peace. Peace for so many things and strength for acceptance. I know that God has softened my heart and has allowed me to grieve and is still allowing me to grieve. And for that I'm thankful. I know now that without My God I would be nothing...and without faith I would be lost.

Thank you Lord for Prayers Answered.

A New Day

2008-08-19T16:19:00.002-05:00

I woke up yesterday just bitter....it happens and I allow myself to have those days. Today-wasn't much better. I woke up angry and frustrated. And while it has nothing to do with us not being able to have a baby directly...it was just an added stress.

Today however....well since about 1:00 its a new day. And I feel so much better about my life....HOW? One may ask that...and the only thing I can say is that the power of prayer is a wonderful thing. I've been angry the past few days at a situation I'm in-Not IF related at all. But regardless-I've been angry and bitter. I asked God for peace...for strength-but most of all for peace of this situation. I just needed to be able to let this baggage go....and just say I can't change anything now-so there's no point in dwelling on it- but regardless it was hard for me to do that...and I really wanted to just move on...but again I was angry. This morning I sat at my desk and just bowed my head and prayed. I said the Lord's prayer and just asked God at the end for Peace.... That leads me to this part of my day.

Today at work we had a luncheon outside...it was a fundraising luncheon for an organization called the COLLEGE CARING FUND. Since I was asked to be on the committee I went and helped serve some food-I visited with other staff members and before I left I saw a fellow staff member that I was an acquaintance with. We have a mutual friend and I knew they had adopted a few months ago. She had the most beautiful baby girl with her. I went and talked to her and congratulated her....we talked for quite awhile-and eventually we started talking about adoption. I told her that Mike and I were planning on adopting in the future and we went from there...before I knew we were both crying about our IF issues...but it felt sooooo good to actually physically sit and talk with someone about it! And to see an end result felt...and such a GREAT RESULT was so amazing. They did 3 IUI's and had one failed adoption attempt....but now they have this beautiful baby girl. And they know it was all worth it.

That conversation today was the best thing for me! I need to send her a little baby gift and maybe something for her. She's was so amazing to talk to. And I hope to spend more time with her and her husband. They are such a young couple-our age...and to FINALLY meet someone that we can physically talk to and relate to-is such a blessing.....

That brings me to now. After that conversation I was at such peace with my life. I am happy for the first time in a long time...and I feel as though it can happen for us. I feel like this is just the beginning of so many great things for us. Of course we still have a ways to go...but in the mean time-I'm just going to go with it and see where God takes us.

Tomorrow is another day and I may feel upset again-and I've learned to let myself feel these ways...but I've also learned to offer these things up to the Lord. If I do....as I've seen so often in the past...he will take care of them. I have a new Bible Verse that has become my favorite. A dear friend of mine wrote it in a card..and I cherish it:

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you

and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

I hate Days like Today

2008-08-18T09:20:00.002-05:00

It's just a day. A day when I feel down, depressed, sad, angry, bitter, pissed off at the world and stressed. I know its just a day-and this day to shall pass, but I hate it. I hate that everyone around me seems to be pregnant. Although I know its not true-thats just how I feel today.

When I started this blog I never thought it would turn into a total IF blog. Did I suspect troubles yes-but I would have NEVER thought about this. So now as I sit here writing my 100th post...I realize how much my life has changed over the last few weeks. And how when I look into the future-I don't know what I see. I think about the financial stress this adoption is going to have on us-and our hopes of having a big family seems to be fading in front of me. I think about how this is going to be such a long process-but yet I'm not ready to fully jump start it and start the process because I'm so overwhelmed that I don't know where to even begin with it. UGH!! I just want to cry and scream at the same time!!

I don't even know what to do with myself today. I would love to go home and crawl into bed with my 2 dogs and watch TV for the entire day-take a few naps and just relax...unfortunately-thats not going to happen. So I guess I should try and be productive in one way or another.

I LOVE MY BABY!!

2008-08-15T14:35:00.002-05:00

I do not know where you are, who you are, where you are coming from, or if you are already born, but I LOVE YOU ALREADY, and I can't wait to meet you.

***************************************************************************************

The past few weeks as I have been thinking aboud about adoption and all that lies ahead I've been doing a lot of research. I have a playlist of inspiration songs set up on YOU-TUBE. (I KNOW! I thought that site was just for people who wanted to upload videos of themselves.) But as I was listening to the songs, I thought about what adoption video's would be on YOUTUBE as well. Well if you are looking to adopt or if just want a good HAPPY cry....type in "Gotcha Day" on You Tube...you will cry your eyes out. I've watched a few of them and they are so moving. I long for that day when I can hold my baby in my arms...and say: I love you...you are my baby. One day...I will have that. I don't know when...but until then I know I love my baby with my whole heart already and I don't even "know" them. But in my heart I know them...he or she is my child...and I Love them!

My Mom...Always Says it best...

2008-08-15T09:28:00.002-05:00

She reminded me:

"WHEN GOD CLOSES A DOOR, SOMEWHERE HE OPENS A WINDOW."

Thanks Mom!
I LOVE YOU!

I guess I know it's "Over"

2008-08-15T09:04:00.003-05:00

Mike didn't want me to go to the dr. with him yesterday-and I honored his wishes-although I was sitting on pins and needles at work waiting for an update. He came to my office after and told me about it. Gave me a brief rundown...and then went on his way. (Referring to yesterday's post.)

Then last night we started talking about it again. I've learned not to push it to much with him. He'll talk about it when he's ready-and as hard as it is for me to not want to force him to talk to me-I didn't. I just let him bring it up...so when he did I started asking further questions. Like what does he think the cause was. He's fairly sure that it is attributed to the surgery he had when he as younger. He was a premie (5 weeks early) and one of his testicles didn't drop. They tried hormone treatments (which we didn't know about until last night when his mom told us on the phone...would have been nice to know....GRRR) and eventually at the age of 2 he had surgery to fix it and then he also had a hernia fixed as well.

The urologist is leaning towards the possibility of damage being done during that surgery. Basically the "tube was cut" as he put it. He won't know for sure...but he's leaning towards that as a strong possibiltiy. Which if that was the case....he can "try" and fix it but he was already talking about invitro. Mike told him that wasn't an option for us.....and he said that does make his job easier-because even if he does fix it-the chances of us getting pregnant are still quite slim. So in a way..I'm relieved-and I feel like we have some answers....but we won't know definitively until the appt. in September.

I was telling Lish yesterday-the reality of it all i setting in a bit more these days. I find myslef crying a bit more about it then I did before. I find myself thinking about our travels to the baby when he or she is born...and feeling very strongly about adopting from Asia. All of these emotions are so new to me. Instead of keeping them bottled up-we are learning to express them to each other...but we still take it a day at a time.

Appointment...

2008-08-14T15:43:00.003-05:00

Well...from what Mike told me it was not a very pleasant experience. :( I feel bad for him.

The urologist didn't have a ton of answers for us...and he did bloodwork and is doing a repeat SA. He sees him again on the 11th of September. If the bloodwork shows nothing abnormal in hormone levels and the SA shows the same...then he will go in for surgery to see the cause. Regardless...he didn't want to give us false hope. He didn't feel any kind of abnormalities...which is a good thing. Typically a blockage can be felt as well. So I guess its just a wait and see. I have a feeling that the next few weeks and months of testing are going to be quite long and stressful. UGH...I HATE THIS!!

Urologist Appointment Today...

2008-08-14T08:18:00.002-05:00

And Hopefully we will have some kind of answers. I know I should be patient-and he could tell us that he needs to do much more tests blah blah blah...but I just one ONE solid concrete answer to one of these questions: What caused it? How long as it been this way? Is it in anway partially reversible?

Mike is absolutely terrified. He doesn't want to hear "its not reversible." But I think after this appointment regardless of the outcome....he will be able to move on in one way or another. Its going to take time for both of us-but I think the hanging in limbo makes things worse on him and us in general. So...here's to hoping and praying for some kind of answer(s)!!!!

My Dear Wonderful Loving Husband

2008-08-12T14:16:00.004-05:00

I love Mike with my entire heart and soul. He is the 1 TRUE LOVE OF MY LIFE! I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else but him. Marriage is so wonderful like that...."TILL DEATH DO US PART" FOREVER!! I love knowing that! Forever seems so permanent-and I LOVE THAT!

Mike and I have had our fair share of rough times in our relationship. Our marriage in and of itself has been good...but Mike's life thus far has been anything but easy. I feel so blessed to grow up in the family that God Blessed me with. I know Mike has said over and over that he wishes his memories were as good as mine. His parents divorced when he was quite young. He was never very close with his dad, but for a few years they worked really hard to rebuild there relationship-and it was getting much better. But....His Dad died suddenly in a fire about 9 months after Mike got married. (almost 7 years ago)6 months later he was divorced. His relationship with his mom is stable-although he feels as though there is distance between them. He's not as close to her as he'd like to be.

Mike and I started dating...and dated for 4 years before we were married. He has always said that he found God again when he met me. He felt so alone and that he didn't know what to do with his life...God helped him through some of the toughest times in his life. And now-he's helping us through this. With that said...I will say this.

Mike is so strong for me. He's always there. Always someone for me to lean on for support in my job, in my everyday decisions, in EVERYTHING! I do the same for him....but Mike told me something last night that made me so sad...that he felt so alone. He feels like he is going through this alone. He knows he has me...but I'm his wife. There are times you need someone to talk to besides your spouse when it comes to things like this. He has friends-and many good friends....but some of those friends that he has told-just don't seem to get it. It's like..."hey that sucks" and then change of subject. And guys are different like that-but Mike is an emotional guy. He'll cry at a movie, and he'll cry when he's sad....don't get me wrong-he's about as manly as they come...but he can wear his emotions on his sleeve. Last night I just held him and he cried and cried. I felt so bad for him-because he feels so alone. He can only really talk to me about it...he needs someone to talk to. His brother doesn't get it...and just kinda blows it off like its not a big deal.

I just want to fix it all....I know we aren't meant to have biological children of our own...and we/I can deal with that...but I want to make him feel better-and healed emotionally. But I can't do that. I don't know how or what to do. He's my rock-and my strength...but I feel like I can't do the same for him. He knows I'm always here for him...but I just feel like I should be doing more-but I don't know what.

So for those of you that pray...we need prayers. For both of us-but especially Mike. He needs strength to get through this. Strength that no one but God can give him.

Why should I expect any Different??

2008-08-11T11:25:00.002-05:00

So over the last week and a half for the first time in a long time I realized I didn't know when AF was supposed to arrive. I was thinking about it over and over and I realized when I looked at my calendar that I thought it was due last Monday. But I guess in reality I had just lost track of the days. One would think that any TTC woman would know when AF is supposed to arrive. And I probably would if all that went on over the last few weeks hadn't actually gone on. I had quite paying attention to my calendar and my weeks when my life felt like it stopped about 3 weeks ago. I kinda freaked out a bit....thinking WHAT!! SHE'S LATE! And I didn't realize it! Of course I didn't rush out buying an HPT but I thought what if? What if my some miracle I was PG. It would truly be nothing short of a miracle. But who was I fooling. There was no way that could be possible.

And then reality set in and I realized that I was looking at the wrong month and I was a week off. She was due today and she she showed up on Saturday-2 days early...lucky me.

I guess I will always think as a TTC woman-even though I will never be pregnant. Such is life I guess.