An Adoption Poem

AN ADOPTION POEM
Once there were two women
Who hardly knew each other
One you do not remember
The other you call mother
Two different lives shaped to make yours one
One becoming your guiding star
The other became your sun
The first gave you life
And the second taught you to live in it
The first gave you a need for love
And the second was there to give it
One gave you nationality
The other gave you a name
One gave you the seed of talent
The other gave you an aim
One gave you emotions
The other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile
The other dried your tears
The age old questions through the years;
Heredity or environment - which are you the product of?
Neither my darling - neither
Just two different kinds of love!
Anonymous

It was harder than I thought....

It was...I thought I could do it-and it wouldn't bother me at all...but I was wrong. I threw the shower on Sunday and I came home so sad. Mike could tell right away but he said he was proud of me for doing it. It was just so hard to see all of those women there-most are mom's already-and some are expecting...and me thinking-am I ever going to have this? I don't know! I don't know if I'll ever have a baby shower, if I'll ever be a mom-thats what I feel like today...like its never going to happen. In my heart-I love my baby so much already...but in my head I think...what baby!?!?! I don't have one-and I don't know if I ever willl.

I'ts just so hard these days. SOOOO HARD! It's gotten worse-I thought it was supposed to get better! I thought I would grieve and move on...now I'm grieving more than I thought I would and the thought of never having my own child is getting harder and harder to wrap my mind around. I just hate this feeling so much!

I ordered the book Hannah's Hope off of Half.com. I'm hoping it shows up today. I think it would do me some good to read a book on coping with IF rather than on adoption and the process and all that comes along with it...but I've never found a really good book. I had recommendations about this one-so here's to hoping.

There was one very good thing about yesterday...when I got home from the park with the pups there was a bouquet of flowers, a card and a yummy dessert that Megan ( I thres the shower for her on Sunday...and she knows about ALL of our IF issues)made for me and dropped off. It was the sweetest card and the most uplifting message I've heard in a long time. God truly blessed me with a friend like her!

Another Day...

Well I'm throwing a Baby Shower on Sunday for a good friend of mine who had a baby girl about 3 weeks ago. I'm excited about it..everyone hanging out will be a lot of fun-but I think its going to be a tough one to swallow. Watching her open all of these great baby gifts and seeing a beatiful baby girl in front of me all day will be tough-but I'm so happy for Megan. She's such a great mom.

I look forward to the day when there will be a baby shower for Mike and I and our little one that we will be bringing home. We are talking more and more about adoption lately. Mike is becoming much more open about the situation. Which is good for him. Hearing him talk about it means that he is starting to accept things a littl more now. We do have another appointmen with the urologist on the 11th of september...but we both know what the outcome will be-at least in our hearts we feel we know. So we are just preparing ourselves for that..and if some miracle happens before then...then it will be a nice surprise ;)

I've been praying so much lately for peace. Peace for so many things and strength for acceptance. I know that God has softened my heart and has allowed me to grieve and is still allowing me to grieve. And for that I'm thankful. I know now that without My God I would be nothing...and without faith I would be lost.

Thank you Lord for Prayers Answered.

A New Day

I woke up yesterday just bitter....it happens and I allow myself to have those days. Today-wasn't much better. I woke up angry and frustrated. And while it has nothing to do with us not being able to have a baby directly...it was just an added stress.

Today however....well since about 1:00 its a new day. And I feel so much better about my life....HOW? One may ask that...and the only thing I can say is that the power of prayer is a wonderful thing. I've been angry the past few days at a situation I'm in-Not IF related at all. But regardless-I've been angry and bitter. I asked God for peace...for strength-but most of all for peace of this situation. I just needed to be able to let this baggage go....and just say I can't change anything now-so there's no point in dwelling on it- but regardless it was hard for me to do that...and I really wanted to just move on...but again I was angry. This morning I sat at my desk and just bowed my head and prayed. I said the Lord's prayer and just asked God at the end for Peace.... That leads me to this part of my day.

Today at work we had a luncheon outside...it was a fundraising luncheon for an organization called the COLLEGE CARING FUND. Since I was asked to be on the committee I went and helped serve some food-I visited with other staff members and before I left I saw a fellow staff member that I was an acquaintance with. We have a mutual friend and I knew they had adopted a few months ago. She had the most beautiful baby girl with her. I went and talked to her and congratulated her....we talked for quite awhile-and eventually we started talking about adoption. I told her that Mike and I were planning on adopting in the future and we went from there...before I knew we were both crying about our IF issues...but it felt sooooo good to actually physically sit and talk with someone about it! And to see an end result felt...and such a GREAT RESULT was so amazing. They did 3 IUI's and had one failed adoption attempt....but now they have this beautiful baby girl. And they know it was all worth it.

That conversation today was the best thing for me! I need to send her a little baby gift and maybe something for her. She's was so amazing to talk to. And I hope to spend more time with her and her husband. They are such a young couple-our age...and to FINALLY meet someone that we can physically talk to and relate to-is such a blessing.....

That brings me to now. After that conversation I was at such peace with my life. I am happy for the first time in a long time...and I feel as though it can happen for us. I feel like this is just the beginning of so many great things for us. Of course we still have a ways to go...but in the mean time-I'm just going to go with it and see where God takes us.

Tomorrow is another day and I may feel upset again-and I've learned to let myself feel these ways...but I've also learned to offer these things up to the Lord. If I do....as I've seen so often in the past...he will take care of them. I have a new Bible Verse that has become my favorite. A dear friend of mine wrote it in a card..and I cherish it:

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you

and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11

I hate Days like Today

It's just a day. A day when I feel down, depressed, sad, angry, bitter, pissed off at the world and stressed. I know its just a day-and this day to shall pass, but I hate it. I hate that everyone around me seems to be pregnant. Although I know its not true-thats just how I feel today.

When I started this blog I never thought it would turn into a total IF blog. Did I suspect troubles yes-but I would have NEVER thought about this. So now as I sit here writing my 100th post...I realize how much my life has changed over the last few weeks. And how when I look into the future-I don't know what I see. I think about the financial stress this adoption is going to have on us-and our hopes of having a big family seems to be fading in front of me. I think about how this is going to be such a long process-but yet I'm not ready to fully jump start it and start the process because I'm so overwhelmed that I don't know where to even begin with it. UGH!! I just want to cry and scream at the same time!!

I don't even know what to do with myself today. I would love to go home and crawl into bed with my 2 dogs and watch TV for the entire day-take a few naps and just relax...unfortunately-thats not going to happen. So I guess I should try and be productive in one way or another.

I LOVE MY BABY!!

I do not know where you are, who you are, where you are coming from, or if you are already born, but I LOVE YOU ALREADY, and I can't wait to meet you.

***************************************************************************************

The past few weeks as I have been thinking aboud about adoption and all that lies ahead I've been doing a lot of research. I have a playlist of inspiration songs set up on YOU-TUBE. (I KNOW! I thought that site was just for people who wanted to upload videos of themselves.) But as I was listening to the songs, I thought about what adoption video's would be on YOUTUBE as well. Well if you are looking to adopt or if just want a good HAPPY cry....type in "Gotcha Day" on You Tube...you will cry your eyes out. I've watched a few of them and they are so moving. I long for that day when I can hold my baby in my arms...and say: I love you...you are my baby. One day...I will have that. I don't know when...but until then I know I love my baby with my whole heart already and I don't even "know" them. But in my heart I know them...he or she is my child...and I Love them!

My Mom...Always Says it best...

She reminded me:

"WHEN GOD CLOSES A DOOR, SOMEWHERE HE OPENS A WINDOW."

Thanks Mom!
I LOVE YOU!

I guess I know it's "Over"

Mike didn't want me to go to the dr. with him yesterday-and I honored his wishes-although I was sitting on pins and needles at work waiting for an update. He came to my office after and told me about it. Gave me a brief rundown...and then went on his way. (Referring to yesterday's post.)

Then last night we started talking about it again. I've learned not to push it to much with him. He'll talk about it when he's ready-and as hard as it is for me to not want to force him to talk to me-I didn't. I just let him bring it up...so when he did I started asking further questions. Like what does he think the cause was. He's fairly sure that it is attributed to the surgery he had when he as younger. He was a premie (5 weeks early) and one of his testicles didn't drop. They tried hormone treatments (which we didn't know about until last night when his mom told us on the phone...would have been nice to know....GRRR) and eventually at the age of 2 he had surgery to fix it and then he also had a hernia fixed as well.

The urologist is leaning towards the possibility of damage being done during that surgery. Basically the "tube was cut" as he put it. He won't know for sure...but he's leaning towards that as a strong possibiltiy. Which if that was the case....he can "try" and fix it but he was already talking about invitro. Mike told him that wasn't an option for us.....and he said that does make his job easier-because even if he does fix it-the chances of us getting pregnant are still quite slim. So in a way..I'm relieved-and I feel like we have some answers....but we won't know definitively until the appt. in September.

I was telling Lish yesterday-the reality of it all i setting in a bit more these days. I find myslef crying a bit more about it then I did before. I find myself thinking about our travels to the baby when he or she is born...and feeling very strongly about adopting from Asia. All of these emotions are so new to me. Instead of keeping them bottled up-we are learning to express them to each other...but we still take it a day at a time.

Appointment...

Well...from what Mike told me it was not a very pleasant experience. :( I feel bad for him.

The urologist didn't have a ton of answers for us...and he did bloodwork and is doing a repeat SA. He sees him again on the 11th of September. If the bloodwork shows nothing abnormal in hormone levels and the SA shows the same...then he will go in for surgery to see the cause. Regardless...he didn't want to give us false hope. He didn't feel any kind of abnormalities...which is a good thing. Typically a blockage can be felt as well. So I guess its just a wait and see. I have a feeling that the next few weeks and months of testing are going to be quite long and stressful. UGH...I HATE THIS!!

Urologist Appointment Today...

And Hopefully we will have some kind of answers. I know I should be patient-and he could tell us that he needs to do much more tests blah blah blah...but I just one ONE solid concrete answer to one of these questions: What caused it? How long as it been this way? Is it in anway partially reversible?

Mike is absolutely terrified. He doesn't want to hear "its not reversible." But I think after this appointment regardless of the outcome....he will be able to move on in one way or another. Its going to take time for both of us-but I think the hanging in limbo makes things worse on him and us in general. So...here's to hoping and praying for some kind of answer(s)!!!!

My Dear Wonderful Loving Husband

I love Mike with my entire heart and soul. He is the 1 TRUE LOVE OF MY LIFE! I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with anyone else but him. Marriage is so wonderful like that...."TILL DEATH DO US PART" FOREVER!! I love knowing that! Forever seems so permanent-and I LOVE THAT!

Mike and I have had our fair share of rough times in our relationship. Our marriage in and of itself has been good...but Mike's life thus far has been anything but easy. I feel so blessed to grow up in the family that God Blessed me with. I know Mike has said over and over that he wishes his memories were as good as mine. His parents divorced when he was quite young. He was never very close with his dad, but for a few years they worked really hard to rebuild there relationship-and it was getting much better. But....His Dad died suddenly in a fire about 9 months after Mike got married. (almost 7 years ago)6 months later he was divorced. His relationship with his mom is stable-although he feels as though there is distance between them. He's not as close to her as he'd like to be.

Mike and I started dating...and dated for 4 years before we were married. He has always said that he found God again when he met me. He felt so alone and that he didn't know what to do with his life...God helped him through some of the toughest times in his life. And now-he's helping us through this. With that said...I will say this.

Mike is so strong for me. He's always there. Always someone for me to lean on for support in my job, in my everyday decisions, in EVERYTHING! I do the same for him....but Mike told me something last night that made me so sad...that he felt so alone. He feels like he is going through this alone. He knows he has me...but I'm his wife. There are times you need someone to talk to besides your spouse when it comes to things like this. He has friends-and many good friends....but some of those friends that he has told-just don't seem to get it. It's like..."hey that sucks" and then change of subject. And guys are different like that-but Mike is an emotional guy. He'll cry at a movie, and he'll cry when he's sad....don't get me wrong-he's about as manly as they come...but he can wear his emotions on his sleeve. Last night I just held him and he cried and cried. I felt so bad for him-because he feels so alone. He can only really talk to me about it...he needs someone to talk to. His brother doesn't get it...and just kinda blows it off like its not a big deal.

I just want to fix it all....I know we aren't meant to have biological children of our own...and we/I can deal with that...but I want to make him feel better-and healed emotionally. But I can't do that. I don't know how or what to do. He's my rock-and my strength...but I feel like I can't do the same for him. He knows I'm always here for him...but I just feel like I should be doing more-but I don't know what.

So for those of you that pray...we need prayers. For both of us-but especially Mike. He needs strength to get through this. Strength that no one but God can give him.

Why should I expect any Different??

So over the last week and a half for the first time in a long time I realized I didn't know when AF was supposed to arrive. I was thinking about it over and over and I realized when I looked at my calendar that I thought it was due last Monday. But I guess in reality I had just lost track of the days. One would think that any TTC woman would know when AF is supposed to arrive. And I probably would if all that went on over the last few weeks hadn't actually gone on. I had quite paying attention to my calendar and my weeks when my life felt like it stopped about 3 weeks ago. I kinda freaked out a bit....thinking WHAT!! SHE'S LATE! And I didn't realize it! Of course I didn't rush out buying an HPT but I thought what if? What if my some miracle I was PG. It would truly be nothing short of a miracle. But who was I fooling. There was no way that could be possible.

And then reality set in and I realized that I was looking at the wrong month and I was a week off. She was due today and she she showed up on Saturday-2 days early...lucky me.

I guess I will always think as a TTC woman-even though I will never be pregnant. Such is life I guess.

Tears...Tears...more Tears....

Thats how I feel today. Today at least I have some emotion.....sadness...extreme sadness. I woke up this morning just sad. I feel like I could cry. And now that I'm sitting at my desk at work typing this-the tears are starting to fall...

I got to work and I checked my email and facebook and the first thing I see are the baby pictures I've been trying to avoid for a few days. I honestly feel like I've been robbed. I will NEVER HAVE THAT MOMENT! I will never ever have the moment of a grueling painful awful labor, to give that final push and have my baby set on my stomach.... I will never have the moment of feeling the baby for the first time in my stomach. WHY!?!?! What did I do to deserve this! I just don't understand. I feel like I'm being punished. I know I shouldn't feel like this-but honestly-I do. I know God has his plans I just need to wait and find out what those plans are, but I really just dont' understand why we have to go through all of this pain and heartache, sadness, frustration, anger, bitterness, and hurt to have a baby. When there are women out there who don't want a baby and get pregnant without any trouble. I just don't understand.

I hurt so badly-and I don't like to hurt. I want to crawl in a little ball and just cry. I know I can't-but I want to so badly.

Parts of this honestly come from the lack of support we have felt from some people around us. MOST HAVE BEEN SO WONDERFUL!! Others it seems almost go to that extra mile to talk about there pregnancy in front of me or directly to me. They talk about all of the annoying pulls and uncomfortableness that comes along with it. I just want to shake them and say-WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME THIS!?!?!? Don't you think That I would give anything to feel that uncomfortableness and have those "annoying" kicks in the middle of the night keeping me awake-and being able to take Mike's hand and put it on my stomach and say-"hun-that's your baby." I Won't ever be able to do that! And you are telling me that you are uncomfortable! People just don't get it!
It hurts alot to have people that you think/thought are your friends to be that insensitive about your feelings. These are the people that you rely on for strength-and they are the ones that are being the most hurtful. And these are the people that I'm being forced to separate myself from because it causes me more pain to be with them-then to not.

I wish I could just explain to people-that I hurt-and its not something that I'm just going to get over-over night. Its going to be a long time before I can do what you call...."Just adopting." So bare with me if my emotions don't quite fall into happiness and jumping for joy all the time over the pregnancy that you seem to be throwing in my face....or on a completely different note...sympathy for the thought that you "may one day of trouble trying to conceive." Because although I hope and pray that you never have to go through the TTTC phase...don't tell me you know how I feel because you may one day experience TTTC-which is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT then NEVER BEING ABLE TO CONCEIVE!

I'm Numb

That's the way I've been feeling the last few days and even into late last week. I mean I know I hurt in a lot of senses and I know why I hurt-but the last few days I've felt nothing. No pain, no sadness, no happiness...I'm just numb. I don't know how to feel right now. How should I be feeling? Sad, angry, confused, I have no idea, because I just feel numb to the world.

Don't know if thats normal...but its just how I feel...so this isn't going to be a long post of emotions...because I really don't have any.

It Hurt's Today...

My heart hearts it aches...it's falling apart and crumbling into small pieces. Some people talk to me and say-we'll you seem pretty happy and upbeat so you must be taking the news pretty well. Really? I am...well its ALL AN ACT. Because on the inside I'm dying. I woke up this morning thinking it was going to be a good day. I only work until noon and then I'm off to Fargo to meet someone who used to be in my position who is going to give me a few ideas on some events she used to coordinate. I'm going to do a bit of shopping and then stop and say hi to Dana-since I have not seen her for awhile and her birthday is on Monday. I thought....today is going to be a good day! But I got to work checked my email....and logged on to facebook...and there it was....a classmate of mine had a beatiful baby girl last night. It hit me all over again. I'm never going to have that. I know we will have our own excitement of adoption and I will love that baby with all my heart-I ALREADY DO....but it's different and anyone dealing with IF who's chose to go the adoption route knows what I mean.
So while some people say-your holding up pretty well...don't let the smile fool you. On the inside I feel like dying but I'm slowly picking up the pieces in hopes one day it will be whole again....but I don't think it will be until I hold my sweet baby in my arms for the first time.